Not coping with life well right now.... some comments would be groovy! - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 8 Old 08-20-2013, 01:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm so hesitant to even type away on the subject...

 

I find myself becoming embarrassed on the subject of mental health. My professional background had involved working with higher-needs children and understanding human development and some of the ins-and-outs of mental health in children, so I just feel like an even larger walking-talking failure when I'm in a bit of a low place like this.

 

I'm a simple person, I really am. And so, feeling so swamped by life just feels so, so unneeded. I recognize I'm overwhelmed, though I mistake it for even more and am at a bit of a mental breaking point right now. I've struggled with mental health issues of my own in the past anyway... ongoing depression and anxiety problems since/stemming from childhood (Sob-story, forgive me!) and lately I've been showing symptoms that more resemble bipolar disorder with periods of hypomania. But I'm overall healthy, I "look" fine, given how I'm percieved in my own community, me going through some form of dramatic mental collapse would seem out-of-place or character. But what I'm feeling right now, and what my poor spouse is taking on (on top of greater care of our children) is a very down, down, down version of myself.

 

So I'm feeling this shit, and yet I can see in moments too that I'm just plain effing swamped. 

 

We bought a house we really couldn't afford on a whim and totally switched gears from our norm to move to the country and be close to our families when I was 35 weeks pregnant with our twins.

 

The pipe dream was to really fix up this old, time-piece of a home and utilize it's commercial space, developing a child care/community space, allowing me to continue work in the early childhood education field but for myself and raise our children while doing it.

 

Ironically, there lies a whole-being, wellness centred philosophy centred in this space that I'm still trying to get off the ground for work two years later, and I'm so over-my-head I feel like jumping ship.

 

Right now I use our home/space to provide child care on my own until the business plan kinks can be worked out and we can expand, have more staff, etc. And I'm in a place of taking on too much for the sake of making financial ends meet, which leaves me feeling depleted, practically crawling to my room crying at the end of the day and not enjoying family time we could be having because I need a good cry or need to continue trying to work out bills, books, etc. 

 

Still pushing to get my business more off the ground, mainly because I miss the supportive environment of working with others- having a child care facility with a cook, and resources, etc. I'm socially unstimulated, emotionally spent, and honestly all I want to do right now is get rid of this house, scrap it all and work a job that I can just leave at the end of the day so I can have actual quality time with my children where I'm not being the objective, child care provider version of mom through the day. 

 

Cheers! Thank you, thank you.


 

"Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you."

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#2 of 8 Old 08-21-2013, 03:05 PM
 
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I don't have much professional advice for you but as a fellow depression/anxiety sufferer who works with children all day long and "looks fine" in the community, I REALLY sympathize with you.  I just came off a 50 hour weekw ith the bulk of it being with a high needs 3 month old along with my own 3 children and my depression issues have been creeping in more and more over the last 3-4 months and I'm starting to lose it.  I'm currently not medicated or seeing anyone and I'm starting to think that was really poor planning on my part.ROTFLMAO.gif  To be completely honest I really don't think that the mentally ill can maintain the illusion of normality all the time.  I feel like you can tread water for a little while depending on the severity of your illness and then eventually you'll get too exhausted and lose it and need help.  And it sucks.  But I don't think that it's avoidable, even if you manage your stress levels well.  I'm not sure how to help you other than to tell you that I'm not surprised that you are in over your head.  Working with children all day is HARD.  And add to that the fact that you have a lot of your life up in the air right now and you have a lot of stress on your plate.  Acknowledging your high stress levels and how understandable it is to everyone else might help you accept them.  But I'm not sure you'll be able to pull out of it without seeing a therapist or getting on some meds for a while.  I don't know you but it's pretty unlikely for most of us.


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#3 of 8 Old 09-22-2013, 09:08 PM
 
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I couldn't read and not respond although I have no help. :Hug


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#4 of 8 Old 09-22-2013, 09:17 PM
 
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Sending hugs to you!
I have twins abd a 4 year old and that alone has me emotionally unstable. I think it is great your getting it out I wish I could help. My only advice is if your truly unhappy abd no linger want to pursue this career path then talk to your husband and sell the house, you deserve to be happy!
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#5 of 8 Old 10-08-2013, 07:28 AM
 
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Hope things are looking up. Thinking of you
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#6 of 8 Old 10-17-2013, 06:02 AM
 
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It's important to remember that you always have a choice.  There are many different choices that you can make that can help to change things for you.  Just telling yourself that you always have a choice can help! 

 

I began having panic attacks and anxiety so debilitating that I was on the verge of a breakdown.  I didn't know what to do I was so fearful of being put on medication that I stayed away from the doctor and tried to handle things on my own for a few months.  It got the the point where it was getting so much worse I was calling my sister and bf crying daily, I could barely eat, I was sleeping more and more I was not doing household chores.  My kids saw me falling apart.  My husband saw me falling apart and it scared the crap out of him.  He was doing everything around the house and I was just barely getting through each day.  My support system had a heart to heart with me and asked me if they could call my doctor and set up an appointment.  I agreed because I was desperate for any help at that point.  I discussed my fears with my doctor and she reassured me and we both agreed that trying medicine would be a wise decision at that point.  I began feeling better the first day and within a month I was myself again.  I feel normal again, not sedated or emotionless or any of the things that I feared.  I still experience some anxiety but it is at a level that I can tolerate and manage.  

 

I'm not saying that medication is the answer for you or that it's a cure.  For me I consider it a crutch.  I'm now in therapy trying to learn better ways to manage these feelings. 

 

You can change your original plan if it isn't working for you.  You have to find ways to make life bearable and feel better.  Do you have anyone that you talk to about your struggles?  I had 2 key people that had both been through something similar and without them I don't know where I'd me!  Beginning at your physician's office might be a good place to start?   Thinking of you!    (((HUGS)))


Giving Love serves as a wonderful reminder that we already have an abundance of Love within, "it is in giving that we receive."
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#7 of 8 Old 12-28-2013, 07:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all for responses back when I posted this. I've been completely unrealistic about my own limitations while mothering- this is an old, pushing-too-hard and becoming emotionally erratic along the journey habit pre-motherhood that I'm really trying to see for what it is and let it go.

It's been a rollercoaster of a year, and it would've just plain been reasonable to let things go anyway in terms of work, though it took me stressing my body into a completely anxious and unbearable state to do it. I'm currently home with my children, have let child care as a business go for now and work very casually at a job I do care about though is task oriented, working in a kitchen, and is without the pressure that comes from working with young children or youth that I've experienced before.

So the structure of my life is much more conducive to being well. I have some emotional releasing to do to let that happen all the more- I do still hold onto sadness for no longer having connections with the families I was working for, and my spouse and I have a long way to go- which is what brings me the most sadness. He's had a lot of negativity in his life this year even aside from the stress I've been bringing in, he's been involved in an accident that's left him functioning but obviously in pain and I so often forget what an emotional process he's going through with that alone. And he's a wonderful person, and would encourage me to do anything to just be and find myself in a content state, though the logistics of that sometimes mean he's working more through a lot of pain, and just not emotionally available. Our relationship had always been so geuwine, obviously loving, and now we're by times considerably cold versions of what we used to be. I'm sad over this, though in feeling that way try to release expectations, and time even. I feel we'll have the connectedness we used to someday, it's just a process of us each becoming stable and healing in our own ways, and then growing together. We're happy with our children and we're really good, fairly grounded parents (him moreso than me I think!), and so riding out the rest is what it is. Sometimes I put on a great face and  am up for this, and lately maybe once a week or so I catch myself sobbing to my spouse, outwardly expression how much I miss what we used to have, which isn't helping- so healthy outlets for all the various mothering emotions going forward will be beneficial.

Thanks for having me vent here- it feels good to feel like I'm putting this out there to someone, though not someone directly in my circle who will feel effected by my emotions. As I said, the structure of my life is much simpler now. It came with a lot of abrupt letting go, counseling, professional help, and a whirlwind of emotions on my end that months later I'm still working through. Ahh. 

Letting go and accepting what is.

 

"Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you."

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#8 of 8 Old 01-15-2014, 05:39 AM
 
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Andrea, it is so good to hear that you are doing better now and have found balance. I'm guilty of overloading myself to the point of breakdown at times as well. I'm glad you were able to find perspective and a solution that works for you and your family.


Mom to ds 10/12 and dd 2/05 ribbonrainbow.gif

Blogging about living with xeroderma pigmentosum at www.pacificnights.org/ and about life in general at http://livingavibrantlife.blogspot.com/
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