At what point would my family be better off without me? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 121 Old 10-03-2004, 09:13 PM
 
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Hey! Look what you said:
"I will do it. I will make it. "
What a good attitude!
You're headed the right direction- keep going!
((hugs))
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#62 of 121 Old 10-04-2004, 04:58 PM
 
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HL...just letting you know I'm still here and listening...completely un-phased.
I might be wrong, but I'd guess that just being able to tell someone the wrongs of your past must be a huge step towards being able to forgive yourself...???
I get this sense that you're on the brink of really getting better...like in a few months (or sooner) you'll be able to look back and say..."Wow! I was a really messed up teenager! So good to be older and wiser now...."
You'll be able to have a list of things you're not proud of, but are simply part of the "things I did once that I'll never do again" list.
It's kind of like you've had a metaphorical cockroach infestation in the basement you've been trying to ignore...whacking them one by one when they've escaped into the house...and now you're really ready to go down there and set off a bug bomb and kill the little fu**ers.
It almost seems like the fantasy with DH's best friend was kind of like someone with a roach problem telling themselves they're just going to sell the house and move somewhere new...ignoring the fact that a roach infested house is very hard to sell.
Does that make sense?
And yes, depression can take on a life of its own, with its own survival instinct.
Ever seen "the Exorcist"?
LOL...well, that's kind of what depression was like for me. A demon that did not want to be told to leave...a snarling monster that felt quite entitled to live in my head...
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#63 of 121 Old 10-04-2004, 05:47 PM
 
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I am proud of you! You go girl!
P.s~ I am in Canada. If you need a friend to talk to that wont cost on outragous amount in long distance just PM me and I we can exchange numbers Only if you want to,please don't feel pressured to do that! Just kmow I am willing to talk to you on the phone anytime k?
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#64 of 121 Old 10-04-2004, 06:15 PM
 
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I'm so happy to hear that you can see a bit of light at the end of all of this - be strong, sooooo much calmness & joy is waiting for you, we all feel it too

I just read your new over-the-weekend posts & you really seem to be breaking your boundaries. This stuck out to me when reading...

Quote:
Originally Posted by horrid-lurker
This has been such a surreal week – I’ve gotten such a blast of insight and perspective from all the things said to me here, and by my dh, that things are looking, well, do-able. Daunting, but something I can wrap my head around. A bit like I’m standing at the foot of a ridiculously big frickin’ mountain, that should only have been a medium-sized hike…

It's funny b'c I was just saying this weekend how "nothing worthwhile comes easy"! We had one of our ceilings come close to falling in, loooong story - shoddy a/c installation before we bought the place - arghh, it wasn't even on our list of home-care things to do. Ugh, "this too shall pass, if we work hard to repair it correctly" was the final thought from my dp & I on the whole thing... hmm.

Anyway, 'nuf about our troubles

Did you get to get out & breathe some air this weekend? I'm not sure how your weather has been - but here the scent of burning leaves was in the air & at night it felt cooler - we live in the tropics so it doesn't change all that much, but this weekend was gorgeous. I love fall, makes me feel cozy. Ahhh, going to see what else is new around here... glad you stuck around! Have you posted anywhere else yet? Sometimes I just come here to read about what other people are doing today - especially when I'm procrastinating paying bills or cleaning or something! This group of people is definitley unique & wise & hilarious all in one easily accessible place.


"When the external begins to define the internal, instead of the internal defining the external, one begins living as a mortal rather than as a universal being." ~ unknown
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#65 of 121 Old 10-04-2004, 06:20 PM
 
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Notice my new sig line, btw?? It was resuscitated by you! Thanks, I'd forgotten how much I liked it

"When the external begins to define the internal, instead of the internal defining the external, one begins living as a mortal rather than as a universal being." ~ unknown
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#66 of 121 Old 10-04-2004, 06:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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kellyb – you gave me the giggles! Thanks! Since I read your post, I’ve been whacking every cockroach of an excuse that tries to scurry across my mind : ‘that counselor sounds really nice but she’s not available, and…’ – WHACK! ‘I should go for a walk with my son, but my neighbor has the day off, and gasp! she might say hi or even invite us over if we see her…’ – SPLAT! ‘I want to keep coming here and posting here, I like the people I’m meeting here, but – ’ SQUISH! SQUELCH! SCRUNCH!

As long as I remember to look first, before I squash anything, and find out if it’s a troublemaking excuse, coming from some of me I don’t need to listen to, or if it’s an impulse or a suggestion from someone else with its heart in the right place that I do need to listen to….I feel like I’ve been spending too much energy killing things that matter to me, and letting more poisonous critters multiply wildly in here.

I maybe have a small problem with wanting to befriend demons and snarling monsters, and make them feel loved and human enough to live peacefully with me in here?! Maybe not such a terrible idea in itself, but it’s important that I keep myself strong if I’m going to mess around like that, fight those heavy battles – you know? Which gives me another idea – that perhaps I’m more like a too-recently-recovered ex-junkie, trying to convince everyone that I just want to be of help volunteering at the needle exchange…maybe I should leave all those bugs, monsters and bad stuff the heck alone!



PS – I’m trying to figure out how this works, getting my name changed (and trying to make up my mind on a ‘real’ username).
I really feel like I want to ‘come in the front door’ here, and meet you all properly. (And then I can post elsewhere without sounding like a creepy stalker or something!)

Thank you again and again and again to everyone telling me to keep at ‘er.
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#67 of 121 Old 10-04-2004, 08:58 PM
 
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PM one of the mods, explain your situation and that you'd like a name change or fresh start or whatever it is you want, and they will help you.
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#68 of 121 Old 10-06-2004, 05:44 PM
 
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How ya doin' HL? Have you come out with your new name yet? Thinking of you

"When the external begins to define the internal, instead of the internal defining the external, one begins living as a mortal rather than as a universal being." ~ unknown
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#69 of 121 Old 10-11-2004, 01:10 AM
 
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I just finished reading this entire thread and I wanted to give you a and support. I hope you will check back in and let us know how you're doing.

When I first started reading this thread, before anyone else had commented on it, I too thought you had an incredible talent for writing. I think creative writing could be a wonderful outlet for you.
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#70 of 121 Old 10-11-2004, 03:34 AM
 
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Where are you, HL?
We're still thinking about you...
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#71 of 121 Old 10-11-2004, 05:30 AM
 
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HL, I just wanted the thank you for this thread, and thank all the people who gave such insightful and thoughtful replies. I have been sitting here with tears running down my face because I am dealing with some of the same feelings and many of the comments just cut to the core of me. I am not exactly where you are, but I am in the same building. I punish myself in other ways.

I also wanted to mention that you might consider joining the writing group that has just been started here. It might be really healing and since you have such a fantastic writing style, it would be worth nurturing.

Mom to 10yo Autistic Wonder Boy and 6yo Inquisitive Fireball Girl . December birthdays.

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#72 of 121 Old 10-13-2004, 08:41 PM
 
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HL ... Hey! Ive been looking for you! Hope you have found a new name (and see this). Feel free to PM me . Id like to continue correspondance.

:
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#73 of 121 Old 10-15-2004, 12:52 AM
 
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Just got back from vacation and wondering how you are.
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#74 of 121 Old 10-15-2004, 01:20 AM
 
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I'm so sorry I have nothing insightful to add as it's beyond bedtime, but I wanted to add my Welcome! to everyone else. And, please, I encourage you to spend more time here. Wander around, meet people, and realize you're not alone. We may be cyber friends, but our hugs are sincere.
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#75 of 121 Old 10-15-2004, 02:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi guys…

I've been gone to my IL’s for a few – we’re even more isolated, there, but there’s lots of hard physical labour to make up for lack of socializing!

Still no new username…I hate to admit I don’t even have the measly $2.50 to do it & I’d feel like a chump asking for a free one just because we’re broke right now…and somehow, just signing in with a new email addy just seems like cheating…

Finding a counselor has also come to something of a roaring halt – I’m not desperate enough for free counseling (and I don’t feel right abusing that option just so I can have someone to whine to about my problems) but paying for it just isn’t possible right now.

That makes these boards one of the most therapeutic places for me to go…which is why I’ve been hiding out! I’m such a chicken!

Actually, all the compliments about my writing abilities have helped HUGE to encourage me to keep trying – I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make some extra cash doing that, but I won’t know til I try, right?

At least I don’t feel like I’m about to fall right apart…I’ve been concentrating on baby-stepping it away from that edge…trying to establish some normalcy to our days, cleaning and cooking more, playing with my son, talking even more openly with my hubbie.

I saw DH’s friend a few days ago…couldn’t help but wonder if things could’ve been any different if I were confident instead of mortified. I wish so badly we could be better friends, that I didn’t have these overblown feelings in the way of that. Somehow I insist on feeling that even if they (him & his gf) liked us enough to spend more time with us, it would be wrong for me to conceal these unwelcome feelings. I feel like what I ought to tell these people is RUN and do not ever answer your phone or door!!!! I wish they could know I like them more than I should, and just take that as a compliment, and not think less of me for it. It eats at me to think they’d be disgusted with me for having these thoughts, if they knew.

See, I wrote a lot of bad poetry in the days when I was pining for such impossibilities, and a way-too-long story, too – a sort of what-if thing. Boy, do I ever wish it wasn’t, but it’s crap. I’d harboured such beguiling fantasies about writing so well and so convincingly that I could seduce these impossibilities into reality…or at least achieve some kind of catharsis for my feelings in the process. In truth? I just wasted a LOT of time and energy that would have been so much more wisely spent upon real relationships instead of imaginary ones. I wish to write something I can feel proud of, not ashamed.


Anyway, I’m babbling…again! But you sweethearts seem to be willing enough victims for my sniveling…that’s what you get for being so nice! Seriously, though, I wish I had something more pleasant to offer in return.
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#76 of 121 Old 10-15-2004, 02:37 PM
 
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Thanks for checking back in with us.

Quote:
Originally Posted by horrid-lurker
I’m not desperate enough for free counseling (and I don’t feel right abusing that option just so I can have someone to whine to about my problems) but paying for it just isn’t possible right now.
That is what it's there for! You're not whining, you're working on improving your life. Take advatage of it! YOU DESERVE IT!

Quote:
Originally Posted by HL
Actually, all the compliments about my writing abilities have helped HUGE to encourage me to keep trying – I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make some extra cash doing that, but I won’t know til I try, right?
Right! Try a few different things. Try poetry, try writing a short fiction story. See what suits you best. There is a writer mamas tribe in the Finding Your Tribe forum. Go join it. Maybe you can also join a writers group somewhere in your area.

Glad to hear things are going OK. How is your son doing? I hope he is well too.
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#77 of 121 Old 10-15-2004, 03:29 PM
 
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Glad to hear from you, HL!

I strongly second MamaAllNatural's opinion that you should get the free counseling. Struggles such as yours are *exactly* what such counseling is there for. I cannot think of a more appropriate situation in which to get counseling than the one you describe.

I will also add that, IMO, not only do *you* deserve the help that counseling can provide, but your husband and child deserve for you to get that help, as well. I truly believe that, as hard as counseling can be, it can make life better for you, and your entire family (they love you, and want you to be well, and to savor life with you).

I suspect that your resistance to counseling (the voice that says you don't deserve it) is the voice of depression--the one that tells you you don't deserve anything good. Remember, that voice lies.

But--and I am saying this with compassion and in the spirit of gentleness--I have to wonder if downplaying your feelings (by labeling them "whining") and saying that they do not rise to the occasion of deserving therapy are a way of avoiding what will undoubtedly be the difficult and sometimes painful work that counseling involves. So I am going to ask: Are you afraid of therapy? If so, what about it makes you afraid?

Life can be better than what it is right now. Believe it. But you have to keep taking the steps (like you are with writing) to make it so.
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#78 of 121 Old 10-15-2004, 04:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ouch, again! Man oh man, you folks are good! Am I afraid of therapy? YES!!! Why? Oh, lots of ‘reasons’, but they seem mostly to involve that pesky darned ego again… asking for help requires admitting that a) I have a problem, or a pile of ‘em, and b) I can’t handle it all by myself. Hate to resign myself to being a mere human!

It builds itself into precarious layers, too – when I was younger, I pulled myself through all alone, without any human or chemical assistance, and ooh did I feel proud of myself for having done that…so now, I also have to admit I didn’t do a very good job of it then, either. Not a good supporting argument for my thinking I can do it without help now.

But either way, you’re right – on my own or with help, the important part is that I divorce this slumpiness and choose a healthier frame of mind. And that’s what I’m really scared of. Getting ‘better’ and then, if I don’t do so well (at being a mom, wife, friend, human), what will be my excuse then? I will have to admit imperfection and inadequacy – how that is harder than hiding under this rug of depression, I simply cannot explain!

Sometimes, I see this block not as something evil, lying to me to keep itself thriving, but as something which means well, that tries to be my protection, something to prevent me from going out and taking risks and possibly making connections but possibly also getting harmed.

The catch is that I’m not doing myself (or my family, you’re right again) any favours by protecting what is, essentially, just my ego. My overbig fear of rejection. This shell ‘might’ keep me safe, but boy, is it lonely in here!

I’ve been seeing correlations like that because of something I said to my DP lately – because my parents divorced when I was a kid, and his didn’t, we look at relationships fundamentally differently. In his mind, we can work through anything. In mine, I ‘know’ that if do something wrong enough, I risk losing his love. I live in fear of messing things up. He’s not even worried about that.

See how I can dig nuggets like that outta my skull? ‘Therapy? Vee don’t need no steenkin’ therapy!’ (I’m kidding!)

…But what if I wasn’t? I mean, if I keep making strides, is it at all realistic to hope I can ‘help myself’ better this time? Is it even theoretically possible to dodge those particular clinical bullets, or would that mean I’m just avoiding every opportunity for healing? Am I just plain silly to not take advantage of free counseling? Is this whole ‘debate’ just more procrastination? Do I really have to ask? (Yes!)

Okay, so…When I ask myself what I really want to do, when I really listen to my heart, it tells me: sure, I could struggle through alone, but what will that prove? And could counseling be that bad? And if it is, stop going – find someone else. If there’s really no connection, find somewhere where there is.

It can’t be too much of a mistake to listen to such voices as that, can it? They sure seem to mean well! ‘Other people? Vee don’t need no other people to talk to, vee can talk to ourselves!’
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#79 of 121 Old 10-15-2004, 05:06 PM
 
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I think there is a really protective piece of you that is very important. First of all - there are a lot of really lousy therapist. You can't really make a committment to therapy until there is an offer on the table. I would go in very cautiously. A lot of what you are doing/ have done does work. Don't let anyone take away the functional, survival skills that you should cherish. You are acting like therapy is a marriage when you are at the first date stage. What can go wrong with one date? If you hate it, don't go back. I think that any therapist worth a damn should be able to give you an offer you can't refuse. But let them convince you, not us. Some of your cautiousness seems very appropriate. Be cautious but keep moving.

So proud of all your hard work. So- what new name are you wishing for? Might be able to work something out. Can we baptist you and be your fairy-godmothers?

Maureen

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#80 of 121 Old 10-15-2004, 05:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow – this place really blows my mind…I think I have to come spend time here in measured doses only. A person can only take so much kindness at a time!

Thank you for the offer, Maureen (and meco, for the PM!). I feel like quite the knob for not even having a couple bucks to treat myself to a new name.

I do have something in mind, and it doesn’t look like anyone else has it…Rivermouth. Hey, it’s not overly brilliant, but then again, it’s not hard to do better than ‘horrid-lurker’! I’m feeling much less so, thanks in no small part to all the cyber angels here listening so patiently to me pour my little heart out.

BTW, Maureen – I’m so glad to remember I don’t have to ‘commit on the first date’! Hee hee! Seriously, though, it's good to feel like I'm not totally sabotaging my efforts at getting happier if I'm not liking the first therapist I meet....

Now, for the hard part...getting out there and meeting someone!
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#81 of 121 Old 10-15-2004, 05:46 PM
 
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AHA! You just said a very important truth -

"And that’s what I’m really scared of. Getting ‘better’ and then, if I don’t do so well (at being a mom, wife, friend, human), what will be my excuse then? I will have to admit imperfection and inadequacy – how that is harder than hiding under this rug of depression, I simply cannot explain!"

That is exactly how I felt, and once I acknowleged that, (and boy, was that not the hardest one to confront) I had to learn to gain the strength to be "not good enough" or "lazy" or whatever other label i was afraid of FOR NO REASON. When we are ill, depressed, we are finally free to just be. No one asks much of us, and when we fail, we can put it down to our state of affairs and get instant forgiveness. Even self-forgiveness comes much easier with our title - "depression".

To this day, when I get angry or sad, I still revert back to my depression, and my excuse is "I am having a rough spot today". It is our cover-all excuse. Our "get out of jail free" card. People literally get away with murder under the umbrella of "mental illness" - in all its forms.

You are allowed to mess up - for no reason. You are allowed to have bad days, to feel down, to be lazy, to cry, to isolate yourself, to scream, to wither - FOR NO REASON!!! You are ALLOWED. Embrace the totality of your being - all the flaws, all the crap and all the smiles. The perfection of life lay in its imperfections. Passion is "suffering", literally, and what good is life without passion?

You will be hiding your happy moments, you will be veiling your smiles, you will be hampering your joy - simply to make sure that others are aware you are suffering, that "it isn't over yet". If you are caught laughing, or even smiling, do you get the urge to say "hey, this doesn't mean I'm ok now."?

Let me just say it one more time - you are allowed to be a total being, you are allowed to be all the things you have always been, without being depressed. It is your right. You are not required to tiptoe through the tulips picking flowers singing and laughing with joy. You are not required to do anything. So how about starting by dropping your label - depressed. I am depressed. No!
"I am." Period.
I am, I was, and I always will be.

With love.

Hunger is political.  Wherever there is widespread hunger, it is because people with guns are preventing other people from bringing in food.  
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#82 of 121 Old 10-15-2004, 05:46 PM
 
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So- since you are obviously doing amazingly much better than when we all first met you, would you mind my hijacking your thread for a bit?

This post (and many others) has gotten me thinking. If I were to open a family therapy center in my neighborhood (something I actually think I could do) how would I make it supportive and easily accessable to mommas like you? (BTW- real name?) And how do I get mommas IRL the kind of support that they can get here? I mean as brave as you are, I can't imagine you could have walked into a room full of us and said what you did. Even I can't do that and I am a total blabbermouth.

Wonder Mommas of MDC- give it some thought- what would you want in a community drop in center with parenting/mental health support that in any way could be what we get here?

Maureen
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#83 of 121 Old 10-15-2004, 07:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay, one more time today, and then I’ve really gotta POST-and-RUN! This is overwhelming – I’m soooo slow to absorb all of this (uh, all 2 posts!) and respond!

Calm…(you know, your posts always reduce me to rubble & tears!)

Our "get out of jail free" card.

Oh yeah, you know it baby! Heaven forbid I should get my act together and actually have to put some effort into living, like everyone else. And what the hell forbids me from enjoying the possible rewards of such effort? Only me – I want to keep telling myself that what would make me feel much better is that kind of all-embracing, unconditional love...from other people. But guess who I really could use it from? Duh – oh yeah, me. How can I let myself forget that? Crap, it doesn’t matter if every atom in the universe adores you, if you don’t at least like yourself.

You will be hiding your happy moments, you will be veiling your smiles, you will be hampering your joy - simply to make sure that others are aware you are suffering, that "it isn't over yet". If you are caught laughing, or even smiling, do you get the urge to say "hey, this doesn't mean I'm ok now."?

Yet again, bang-o, right on the mark! The way you word it, makes me see all this as a (rather despicable, or at least desperate) ploy, trying to discover – at first – whether anyone else (one poor unsuspecting guy in particular) cared about me enough to try to intervene, to express at least some basic human concern for the harm I’d been dishing myself. Turns out that even if anyone does happen to notice you’re unhappy, unless they’re already close enough your friend to speak up, they either don’t want to intrude, or don’t know how. Whatever. It only marginally matters. What’s more important, and worse, is that it turns out I didn’t have that ‘basic human concern’ for my self. I, apparently, care very little how much I harm myself. And that’s not a very nice thing for my self to have to discover. In trying to see if anyone would feel sorry for me, I found out I don’t even feel sorry for me!

You are not required to tiptoe through the tulips picking flowers singing and laughing with joy. You are not required to do anything.

Thank you! You have this way of making me feel better than ‘normal’ or ‘okay’…better than believing someone else might just be capable of loving me, warts and all…you make me feel capable of loving (and maybe even – gasp – having some respect for) myself, warts and all…thank you!




And Maureen…I remember one post where you pointed out how many views this thread has had – well, now it’s at like 1300 (and I must account for only about half of those!) So, hijack away, please! I want to say I wish I lived in your community – but that just makes me think ‘what could I do to make my own community more enviable…?’ So, along with trying to answer your question, can I also pose one of my own – what would make this awesome-sounding idea possible here, for me, too? I can’t be the only less-than-happy parent in town, who would feel a heckuva lot better to at least commiserate over a cuppa…

The only thing I can think of, right now, is that the more I am in need of socializing, the more I feel like I’m gonna scare everyone away…that, and you’re right about the anonymity of the web making it much easier to bare all…but I don’t suppose many people are going to go for wearing paper bags to the meetings, or be warmed over by ads calling for All Freaks, Come One, Come All! (ok, so there’s your first ‘idea’?? from one of the Blunder – Mammas of MDC, lol!) Seriously, someone will have better ideas (not difficult), and who knows? I might even have some for you too!

And, btw, (I can’t believe I’ve managed so far to omit this!), my name’s Melanie (thanks for asking!).
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#84 of 121 Old 10-15-2004, 07:37 PM
 
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Rivermouth! Thats so awesome... and so you! Great summation of your inner character.

*glad to see you back with us, keep swimmin'

"When the external begins to define the internal, instead of the internal defining the external, one begins living as a mortal rather than as a universal being." ~ unknown
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#85 of 121 Old 10-15-2004, 07:43 PM
 
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I don't know why, but I got chills reading your name. I wish we could be friends in real life. I would jump at the chance. I am in Australia more often than America, but I hope we can keep in contact anyway.
I am enjoying your journey...

Hunger is political.  Wherever there is widespread hunger, it is because people with guns are preventing other people from bringing in food.  
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#86 of 121 Old 10-17-2004, 11:17 PM
 
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HL, Did you get the PM I sent you?
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#87 of 121 Old 10-18-2004, 12:18 AM
 
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I like "Rivermouth"- it reminds me of canoeing.
Your first appointment might be easier if you print all these posts out and present them to your counselor. You could highlight some of it, if you'd like.

You say you are "in need of socializing". So say hi to the stockperson at the store as you pass by. Wave to a neighbor. Say "Hello, Cutie!" to someone's little baby. Tell a cashier or mailcarrier, "Thank you- have a good day!" Be bold and PM a member you haven't contacted here yet, whose post you liked, and say hi and tell them what you liked about their post.
Reach out just a little bit.
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#88 of 121 Old 10-18-2004, 09:53 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wonderfulmom
You say you are "in need of socializing". So say hi to the stockperson at the store as you pass by. Wave to a neighbor. Say "Hello, Cutie!" to someone's little baby. Tell a cashier or mailcarrier, "Thank you- have a good day!" Be bold and PM a member you haven't contacted here yet, whose post you liked, and say hi and tell them what you liked about their post.
Reach out just a little bit.

Those are great suggestions! If people would take a few baby steps- do what you can to be the person you want to be, fake it till you make it, I would be out of business. I wouldn't mind a world where we didn't need to hire a stranger to guide and support us but got all that we needed from our family, friends and community.

Maureen
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#89 of 121 Old 10-18-2004, 12:32 PM
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First, Welcome and hello!
I was just reading the thread where you admit to being an awful, horrible, nasty women. My, my. Do you really think you're the worst? Get a grip, you're only mediocre at being terrible.

Look, life is hard. They should tell us that sooner so it's not such a surprise. It's really hard. We suffer. We screw up. We hurt others. There are a few people here at Mothering who believe they are perfect. Don't believe them, for they are the true liars, we are all imperfect.

I never was unlucky enough to be put in the position of aborting or giving up a baby. I ddi adopt one though. He was in foster care for 9 months after his teen mother had him, I was the foster mother. She was a mess, poor girl.

He's 22 now. Went to find her when he was 19, with my blessings. He sees her on holidays, though they didn't hit it off, he does have a close relationship with his bio brother and sister. He's not scarred or ruined by the loss, though it is a loss. He had love and caring and was protected and adored.

You expect too much of yourself.

I have fought depression. For many years. I've stood holding the knife against my arm, dreaming of the peace I'd find on the other side of the pain.

Know what? THings change. YOU change. I'm stronger now. I understand my depression and have found new ways to deal with it. I think they are mine alone, and I doubt they'll help you, but I'm willing to share.

First, what have I done for ME today? A hot bath, a glass of wine, a hot cuppa and a favorite tv show, a good book, a trip to the library, a new bottle of fingernail polish. Do something YOU enjoy. Of course, alone isn't always possible, but the kiddo will like a trip to the dollar store, and you can afford $2, one each, right?

Next, I consider all those depressing thoughts: my sisters death, losing my siblings (Long story, posted on the Grief and loss board, ain't goin' there now!), my son's cancer(he's fine but the trauma still makes me sob), etc, all live in a special place in my head. I think of that place as the 'black hole'. All thoughts that bring me to tears and are in the past, can't be fixed, are consigned to the black hole. I visualize myself putting them in there, and walking away to the bright sunny side of my brain. I slam closed a big door, lock it. I occassionally sense that I'm walking around the edge of that hole, and I move myself away. I don't dwell there, because I know the monster depression lives in that hole, waiting to drag me back in.

When feeling the monsters reach, I truly do fake it. Put a pencil between my upper lip and nose and curl my lip to hold it there. Really. It makes your foolish body think you're smiling and helps to release chemicals that improve your mood. I go to the store or mall, and strike up conversations with strangers in line. (Ha, they have the dog-faced baby or the cover of the Enquirer, wonder why we never see those kids out and about huh? My goodness, did you notice the price of butter?) I take a walk, play something physical with the kids, tag or hide and seek, or frisbee. It's hard to cry and run.

Every night as I close my eyes, I think, Ohh, tomorrow is going to be a good day! I'm going to....(take that walk and watch the leaves fall, make bread, buy a magazine, something)

If I wake up to use the bathroom or because I hear a kid, I remember to think, hmm, what's fun about tomorrow? What's good? Oh, yeah, I'm going to....When I wake in the morning I repeat it. It helps me start out on the right foot

Counseling helps if you find the right person. I understand the small town part. We don't even have a doctor, or a priest or a freaking stop light. THere are 900 people here. If I want privacy, I drive a few towns away.

My cousin wrote a book, it helped me. It's called The Day Room by Kathleen Crowley, about her time in a mental institution and her way back to mental health. She had two small kids at the time. She also has a website, Procovery.com She has a rather unique view on getting well.

When will your family be better off with out you? Never. That just doesn't happen, it's a cop out. Your family will only be better when you are. Hmm, and I was raised a guilty Catholic (no offense to anyone!) I thought my fantasies were perverted. Then I read the Joy of Sex and I think the other was called a Woman's Garden. NOt sure if that's the right name, all about women's sexual fantasies. Mine were so DULL by comparison. And innocent.

One last thing, the best way I found to get over one of those bizarre crushes has been to get to know the guy. After a bit, you think, ewwwwww! All guys have enough gross habits in my opinion, to make them hard to love more than one at a time. Just think of all that spitting and burping and belching and farting! They blow their noses like foghorns, and never clean up after themselves. What the heck would I want two of them for!!!

That said, I believe there are some poly relationships here. No offense to them either!

Head up, Honey. Your among other real world, imperfect women, trying their best to make it better. Good for you for realizing what the problem is and that you need some help. Hang out often, Give your son a hug today and tell him you love him. Then do the same for yourself!
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#90 of 121 Old 10-20-2004, 06:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I sat down and made a list of any and everything I could do, right now, any time. (Including sticking a pencil between my lip and nose - how can you not laugh when you're doing something so silly?! Thanks, Red...for all the things you said...) Thought this would be an easy task – wow, was I wrong! Shows me how much I’ve been clinging my focus onto what I can’t do. I haven’t seen my son this happy since he spent the weekend at my mom’s (she plays with him tons). Scary how little it has taken to improve things around here – another indication how poor they were!

Right now, I feel like I have to run screaming from every depressing thought that tries to work its way into my awareness. But, sooner or later, I have to sort them out. I have to listen to what they are trying to tell me. I have to make some sort of peace with them. Because they aren’t going away, no matter how long I ignore them, or how tightly I lock ‘em up. To me, every thought is from me – I don’t want to block them or destroy them, I want to hear them.

How on earth have I let one spoiled feeling, the loss of one potential connection, drop my confidence so low? I think so little of myself, lately, it’s awful. I suppose I just need to pick a few small things I feel capable of doing, do them, then pat myself on the back for doing them. Good girl, have a bone. Keep my eyes to the immediate task only, because when I step back even an inch, and see how far I’ve fallen from what I wish I could be, I crumble into tears.


Reminds me of a lyric – “when I look down, I just miss all the good stuff…when I look up, I just trip over things”!



MamaAllNatural, I did get your PM, thank you…I think I’m procrastinating changing my username, b/c once I do, I won’t have that puny excuse for not posting elsewhere on MDC…

…same reason even though I say hi to people, and am dying for more than that, I still keep a wall up, so that I appear unapproachable. My little shell.

When I was younger, I was wonderfully oblivious to what an annoying, dorky chick I was. Now, every time I attempt to interact, I see much too clearly what a horse’s patoot I am, and I can’t stand it. I read the things I write here, and I just cringe ! (Although maybe if I posted more often, I wouldn’t have a zillion things I want to say each time??)



PS – Maureen, post your question in a new thread, so it can get the attention it deserves! All my ideas are so obvious…offer ‘bribes’ like babysitting & coffee…to make it more like MDC, could you invite or attract parents who have made it through hard times and have their own advice to add to the mix?…if I picture a place like the one I think you’re imagining, it’s much more like a big living room than an office, an atmosphere you can’t help but relax in, you know?

Like I said, I don’t have anything brilliant for you…
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