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Old 05-21-2005, 02:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi all! How is everyone???
I'm okay.
saw the therapist again and somehow he just always see's reasons to suggest we up the dose
Ugggh. And then there i am wondering if maybe he's right, maybe it would help, having no backbone to question this or tell him how i really feel about it.
What IS Wrong With me?
I always think I have such a tough exterior with men and then ...i cave for some reason. I am compliant, believing maybe he does know what i need or that my reasons are less valid.
This is annoying.

~L
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Old 05-25-2005, 01:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Heloooooooooooooooooo??
~L
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Old 05-25-2005, 06:27 AM
 
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Hi laura - i have therapist who is sllloowww. I want to go iff of seroquel and she wants me to wait weeks for me to go 25mg down a month. I just cut it off on totally at a recomended 100 mg dose. I am on lithium and lamictal already so I feel like Im 'covered'. what is it that he (your dr) is increasing? If your not comfortable then dont do it - do you feel stable? Thats more important then what he says. can you find a female therapist? that might help you feel more in control. right now Im feeling like I want to go off meds all together but I 'know' in my head that my sickness is begging to take over so Im trying to maintain my usual doses minus the seroquel (which makes me fat, q25+lbs and dopey). without the seroquel im feeling really depressed which is odd since seroquel is an anti-pshychotic and anti-mania drug, most likely goin off it would make me feel manic not depressed. I have PMS really bad and ive been irritated to an aggro state, so Ive been taking seroquel to sleep at 25 mg a night for only a few days. Ive noticed that I crave drinking more now and that begins a cycle that is probably unhealthy, but I work at a bar so its convienent and accessible and almost excpected by most of my friends. I've been fighting with DH about my feelings of inadequacies, its hard cause hes very stoic about everything including my feelings. Im very vocal about the importance of expressing my self and he falters in reply. In his inability to express himself I assume things that arent true (ie: his feelings) and am hurt by these misconceptions. I try to understand his reluctance to communicate but after years of being married to me I cant imagine he doesnt know that its worse to NOT communicate my/our feelings to each other. I do see that I definately walk all over his feelings but its SO difficult when my feelings are about 20x's the size of his, and he doesnt express his'. He doesnt feel the need to pund his head into the wall when being misunderstood. He doesnt feel the need to cut himself when hes not living up to the expectations society has laid down for us............whose excpectations are they any way? Usually Im beating myself up for expectations that I hold on myself, he never would say to me that Im not doing the 'laundry or dishes' well enough as I would never say that hes not making the money well enough. That doesnt stop me from thinking that Im NOT doing those things to the highest regard. Its definately my own inadequacies that fuel my insecureties in these fights with DH.

blah blah blah its late an I dont know what Im saying cause I got into a huge fight about who cleans the kitchen and how 'they-we' do it differently tonight. I feel un- appreciated and alittle 'SAHM' used. Its all wrapped up with PMS which always loses to the fight with bipolar. I cant just be a normal woman with a twinge of PMS (PMDD) I have to be relapsing into bipolar phycho-bitch state.
( I understand that my sickness was awfull for every one and my being medicated a godsend, but cant a girl be alittle emotional/bitchy/irritated without me being full on episodic?)
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Old 05-25-2005, 01:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Rowantree: i HEAR YA WOMAN! although i unfortunately cant reply with more right now... gotta go take care of my dd. I am sending you big calming vibes........................................
L
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Old 05-25-2005, 04:20 PM
 
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Rowantree I have also had similar feelings and will try to reply with more later. But, I wanted to let you know you are not alone.
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Old 05-25-2005, 04:58 PM
 
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I'm here too.

Just had a visit with my therapist yesterday - he's nor comfortable changing the dose of meds up until I can get some more routine sleep, and get my diet under control. I'm really glad that he is seeing the bigger picture - I think that's a good thing for me. Now to fix the external stuff....

Moodwise though things are sucking. Way too many modswings, too much anxiety and irritability. I need to keep reminding myself that I have made it through this before, and can do it again. I am so grateful for the support I find here - being a mama is a challenge, and being a bipolar mama doubly so.

So, thank you. You have no idea how much you all mean to me - it can be so scary to feel alone.
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Old 05-25-2005, 06:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Rowantree, You sound as if you could use us all gathering around and giving you a big , maybe even one of those 'red-tents' I've heard about. I dont know how they actually go but i could imagine a few of us here sitting about burning incense, drinking some good tea and eating fruit and chocolate!
There are times i do believe that women NEED to work out the sh$% they feel burdened, overwhelmed and almost consumed by in their lives. I believe they come to a head during pms and premenopausal times.
... Okay ladies imagine with me if you will we are there and our energy is profound and sweet and we share openly with eachother tending the wounds with nods and reflective affirmations, knowing and feeling we're in this together not alone.....
~L
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Old 05-26-2005, 01:31 PM
 
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BabyBumblebee, I have been caffeine free for two weeks and my sleep patterns have really improved. This was a change that I was never willing to make before and I suffered with insomnia for too long. : However, I understand it's hard to make changes when you are not feeling well. IMO diet is so important, do what you can.
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Old 05-26-2005, 01:40 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lauraess
... Okay ladies imagine with me if you will we are there and our energy is profound and sweet and we share openly with eachother tending the wounds with nods and reflective affirmations, knowing and feeling we're in this together not alone.....
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Old 05-27-2005, 11:45 PM
 
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Wow Laura, what an incredible and supportive picture you painted - thank you

I have actually been caffeine-free for about 18months....well, almost - the odd chocolate bar just sneaks in y'know : - I definitely noticed that I felt better for a while after that.

I think that the sleeping issues now break down into 2 main reasons:

Dd is still nursing at least once during the night - she doesn't go to sleep until 10.30 or 11, and is usually nursing again at 3, and then up at around 6. We no longer cosleep as the meds have such a heavy sedating effect on me

Once I have woken up in the night I find it really hard to get back to sleep...my mind starts racing. I'd love to know how to calmthings down again....

gotta go - boobie demands!
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Old 05-28-2005, 01:37 AM
 
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A couple tricks on sleep I've found to be helpful:

A "sleep" cd. What works for me is a particular Gregorian Chant disc. Any Gregorian Chant is good, but part of what helps is that it's the same cd, every night and that it's only played when I want to go to sleep. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I reach over and hit play. I have the first two songs completely memorized. The rest of it I recognize, and I know what song is supposed to go after which, but the strains of that very first track are like a narcotic (original def: to lull or soothe) to me now. (I've been listening to the same CD for about 3-4 years now. I'm so glad CDs don't wear out like tapes do...)

Meditation. In particular, I use the Serenity Prayer (God/dess, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference) - sometimes I add the particular things I need help with, like the serenity to deal with insomnia - and my own Insomniac's Version: God/dess, grant me sleep when it is night; wakefulness when it is day; and an appreciative acceptance of life's rhythms and cycles. I also do breath work when saying the prayers; one phrase, or one half-phrase, per long, deep breath. These are my triggers for "it's time to shut down now," and also give me something to "say" during those times when my mind just won't shut up. I just repeat until the urge to have a running conversation with myself dissipates - sometimes I barely make it through one repetition, other times I do it half a dozen times or more in a row, and several sets, before I'm able to sleep. But the more I do it, and the more consistant I am about it, the better it seems to work.

The other thing I do is fantasize. It can't be anything real - it's usually based on some of my favorite scifi books or shows, and it's usually the same few scenarios every night. Sometimes it backfires, and it gets me more worked up, but mostly, constructing the fantasy, so that I'm seeing and hearing and feeling the things in that fake world, help me bridge the gap between conscious thought and dreamland. Again, using the same, or a similar, scenario from night to night works as a "trigger" for sleep.

Finally, I try to go to bed tired and sleepy (and yes, they're different things; tired is physical exhaustion, sleepy is feeling like sleep could come easily), or at least tired. If I'm tired, it's time to get sleepy (which is what the above tricks help with), but if I'm not tired, and I'm sure it's not just the stirrings of hypomaniacal "I'm not tired! Honest! Don't make me go to bed!", then I go do something else first. Like come here . (and yes, that is why I'm up this late tonight; I just wasn't tired yet. I'm getting there, though; I hope this isn't as boring to read as it appears to be to write! :LOL)

Anyway. "Talkative mind" has been the bane of my sleeping existance. Sometimes my brain just won't shut up, and it keeps me awake. So over the years (mostly after I got on the Depakote, which allowed all of this a chance to work - but it's continuing to work so far even off the drugs! : ), I've had a lot of opportunities to practice various sleep-inducing methods. So (I think) I know what you're talking about, and you certainly have my sympathy!
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Old 06-22-2005, 01:49 AM
 
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Hi...
I was replying to a post in "Special Needs Parenting" and someone had a link for here.
I have a son that I think is bipolar. He hasn't been officially dx, but I know. They've dx him with ADHD, impulsivity disorder, ODD. He's not on any med's. He has a severe heart condition and is already taking med's for that. I would like to not put him on any more med's, KWIM? His father is dx with bipolar and they behave very similairly. DS has problems with: being hyper, not listening, lying, stealing, being impulsive, very oppositional defiant, daredevilish...he can be a very sweet, kind, sensitive, and helpful boy too. I had posted in GD about what I could do about his behavior. He has taken money from my (and others..aunt)purse,took fireworks to school, burned things on my stove, climbed out windows, etc....I know that things like artifical colors make him worse...he ends up with a red, hot ear (usually only one) and is 10x more irritable and will have a tantrum like a two year old just because I said "no" to something he wanted (or wanted to do)-He's 9years old! I'm very concerned for him and sometimes my other children...one of which is autistic. One day in the backyard, he put a tall ladder up on the side of the garage and has his brother climb up to the roof of it! I take him to a pyschologist, but I don't feel it does much...he justs tells me about putting him in "time-out" another useless (IMO) technique. We saw one psychtrist and I didn't like his personality at all. He moved his presciption pad around during the visit and then when I told him I wasn't interested in med's it was like oh ok well let me know when you are.. I read some of your posts...looks like most of you are bipolar yourself's? Do any of you have children with this or do any of you remember having these problems as a kid? And do you have any ideas or suggestions on what I could do to help him? I feel like all I do is yell all the time...I'm so frustrated with him. I want us to have a loving, positive relationship, but I feel it's almost always negative It gets to the point where when it's bedtime I'm saying "JUST BE QUIET AND GO TO BED!" when I want to be ...I don't know reading a story and talking about what we're going to do tomorrow..etc..

Thanks for listening...

RayRay

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Old 06-22-2005, 02:44 AM
 
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Hi all-

I am very glad I thought to search for a bi-polar thread here. I was dx'd 10 years ago with type II, Ultra Rapid cycling bi-polar, but probably have struggled with it long before that. I had a lot of very self-destructive behaviors in my younger years. Not a very happy time growing up either (mostly for external reasons).

Anyway, I have been on and off meds, with varying success. About 4 years ago I was in a serious car accident. I had spinal surgery about 2 1/2 years ago, and was consequently on a ton of meds. Neurontin, Lexapro, Verapamil, Bextra, and other stuff I can't remember. Mostly for pain, some for anxiety, etc. Last summer I decided to get off of everything. I could hardly get out of bed in the morning, and we have hoped to have a second child (ds is 4 and 1/2 years old). So, I kicked all meds, and have been med free since. Some things were great, others are just killing me. I have a ton of anxiety, bouts of depression, get to feeling very overwhelmed but seemingly trivial stuff. It's so frustrating. I also have a really hard time dealing with other people. And mostly I can't figure out why.

We have been ttc for about 9 months now, with no luck. It took us 2 years with ds, but don't really have that much time now, as I just turned 40! And mentally I just don't know how much longer I can handle being totally off the meds. I am taking Omega-3's and Folic acid on the advice of my pdoc to control the swings. I definitely think it helps, it just isn't enough if anything comes up. (if life is ripple-free, it's fine, but that doesn't happen).

I have read some past posts, and it's really good to be able to relate to people. I hate how the 'general public' really doesn't understand mental illness. I hate the stigma, the way that most people take you less seriously once they know you have bi-polar, like you don't really mean what you say, it's 'just your illness talking. I hate that I can't ask people to understand and be supportive (except those very close to me) like I could if I had some more 'conventional' illness. I manage to hang in there with my son on a day-to-day basis, but many times this is all I feel I can do. I want to participate more in the larger world, but it often seems that the pressure of taking on more pushes me too far and things kind of fall apart.

I know this is kind of a rant. Not a great intro, I know. Despite that, I am actually a very supportive person myself I look forward to getting to know more mama's that are dealing with similar issues and am happy to find this little community!
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Old 06-22-2005, 02:54 AM
 
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Hi RayRay-

Here are a couple of things my pdoc recommeds- he prefers meds as a last option:

Sleep: try to keep the same sleep schedule. Ie: go to bed and wake up at the same time every day.

Diet: no refined sugar, no caffine (which you probably aren't doing anyway at 9 years old!), try to limit his intake of processed carbs, and try for 5 small meals vs. 3 bigger ones.

Supplements: He recommeds taking Omega-3's and Folic acid (there are studies to support this). He recommends a brand of Omega's called Omega Brite that you can actually buy online. They are supposed to be very pure, and there is zero fishiness (they are capsules). You take 2 caps in the morning and two in the evening (with food). Plus 400 mcg of Folic Acid daily.

Exercise: My doc is very big on this- at least 30 minutes of something a day. Could be walking, joggins, playing a soccer, swimming, biking, whatever. It apparently triggers all kinds of chemicals in your system that help to stabilize moods.

Hope these help. Just try to remember that the chaos he is living with inside isn't something he can control. Asking him to would be like asking a suicidal person to 'just cheer up'. There are some studies that seem to suggest that pyschotherapy can also be as effective in many cases as meds. So, if you can swing it financially, a good therapist might prove helpful. Just getting the thoughts out can be helpful I think, which is why there are all these people posting here . And having someone on the outside tell you that you aren't crazy or 'bad' but that what's happening to you is real, can be a relief that you can't imagine.

Blessings to you both,

Lynne
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Old 06-22-2005, 09:19 AM
 
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Lynnie,
Hi Mama!
Thanks for your ideas
Jio was taking Omega Brite for a while but I ran out and haven't been able to afford anymore yet. His grandmother said she would order him some more but right now her mother is dieing in the hospital
The excercise well he pretty much won't stop moving around most of the time...think I'm the one with the heart condition :LOL
Your suggestion for sleep is interesting...I think Jio has some sort of sleep problem..lets say he falls asleep some where and I have to wake him up so he can go to bed...AHHH he's a nightmare...crying, tensing up his body...sort of like a tantrum of sort, but he won't remember it later. He also still wets the bed every night. I was thinking because of his heart med's but there have been nights were he hadn't had that medication and he still wets. I'm going to try hard for a set time for bed and wake-up.
I know what you mean about him not seeming to control some behaviors...there have been times where I'll say "jio stop moving!" and he'll say"I can't!"
We were advised to make appointments at a different mental health clinic (one that could actually see us once a week instead of once a month) so we'll see how that goes...maybe will get someone better this time.

Gotta gp get Jio up for school...last day! \

RayRay

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Old 06-22-2005, 09:40 AM
 
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I haven't had time to read all of the posts yey bc i hear my DD up upstairs and have to get her bfast, I just wanted to introduce myself.

I'm Kelly and wasn't Dx w/ bipolr until it got pretty severe after the birth of my 2nd child. My son has early onset bipolar and is very artisic, talented too i might add. Over in Special needs parenting, i have a thread on BP children, it has been helpfull for me.

What makes me mad is that noone even thought about BP for me until i was suicidal , almost got hospitalized but backed out at the last minute bc that would've meant ceasing to nurse my 1yo DD and i wasn't willing to cut her off .

I chose to medicate and now i know what it is like to lead a normal life, though i have had some breakthrough hypoM episodes on the meds. I have ruined my marriage and i'm afraid i've affected my DSs opinion of me, bc he saw me through the worst of it and now he is experiencing it.

My meds are basically Gabapentin and Lamictol and Abilify (which has made all of the difference) I hate being on meds and now that the kids are older, i plan to wean off of them (after the fallout of the seperation and the divorce are final and settled)

I'll write more later bc DD & DS need me

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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Old 06-22-2005, 12:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Aunt RayRay> Just wanted to send you a knowing this must be really hard for you. Hang in there mama... Keep searching.. This is so hard to understand and treat with a child who is still developing, Im sure. My niece has been dx and they have lots of trouble , she is violent to other children.
I myself have only been dx now at 37 and i realize i could have always have had it.
I would stick with trying to get consistency in sleep and diet and try an exercise that is repetive that would allow him to focus and get more into a zone-- sort of like meditation. (im a yoga teacher ) Maybe walking with a set of those head-set's with a nice soothing chanting or music. try >> www.toolsforyoga.net--- for resources.
gotta go..
~L
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Old 06-24-2005, 12:22 AM
 
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Laura: I work at a gym and so get a free membership to work out and I have been trying to utilize it. I took a tai chi yoga class at my gym two weeks ago and really enjoyed it...I have heard that Yoga is good for children, but I'm not sure if they have any classes for children around here or how much it may cost(kinda low on cash). You think I could maybe get a video or book from the library and try it with him at home? Some days are better than others (or should I say some moments :LOL ) I think he cycles quite frequently. Today I caught him in the bathroom with a pair of scissors....he had cut his hair (in the front!) and also cut his shorts : !

RayRay

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Old 06-24-2005, 12:58 AM
 
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AuntRayRay....

Believe me, I understand.....I'm with you, sending you calming vibes and healthy vibes for your son.

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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Old 06-30-2005, 03:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey everyone! How are you all? Summer is just flying along.... this is the latest with me: I finally fessed up to my psych who works "with" my therapist about how i really dont feel comfortable with him (the therapist) . It was good that I got this out since it's been a problem now for a while-- him just not seeing eye to eye with me and then me going along with his ideas. So, she give me a number of a new therapist. so cool!
My meds are still at a pretty low dose and i'm coping. I dont want to go up and my levels were sorta close to low but even the psych said i could stay at my dosage if i wanted to.
Im curious about you others and how things are going. Happy 4 th!
~L
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Old 06-30-2005, 07:44 PM
 
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Right now my meds are working, no side effects except slight loss of balance (physically) I feel like i now know how a normal person feels.
One thing about being on meds is the hampering of my creativity, i write and paint. I am in a writers group for women that has allowed me alot of practice in the craft, it has helped immensely.
I now feel like more of my old creative self, though i have to think things through a little more. I just need to get out that easel and paint away, work through it.

My bipolar is very rapid cycling and i have alot of mixed states ...i have to say that Abilify has made a world of difference along with my other ones. I also want to get off meds one day, i need a new DR who will actually remember me (not such a large practice) before i will wean myself off of them. I need them right now so i will be the mother i want to be , because i wasn't before. Basically i put off meds until DD was through BF. I'm afraid i've already scarred my DD and DS by them seeing me go through what i've been through.

Are there any of you out there who have been made worse by being pregnant? Not afterwards, but during..bc that is what i experienced and then after the babymoon period, it just gained on me and smashed me like a train. It was awfull.

I'm so thankfull i am where i am and i wish you all the best.

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Old 07-01-2005, 02:13 AM
 
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Hi

I posted my own thread a while back about cyclothymia. I've been avoiding this thread to a certain extent, mostly because I really felt like I didn't want to accept the possibility that I might fit here. I've had mood disorder trouble for 20 years of my life, starting in my teens. My new psychiatrist put me on Zoloft because I am nursing but she really feels that I should be on lamictal. I started at 25mg and am currently at 175mg. It seemed like it was making a difference originally but I have started feeling worse again since going to 175, too much in my head, starting to turn nocturnal again (and wanting to sleep all day), getting anxious and avoiding life, and irritablity starting up. I am just easily overstimulated, like I can't be at home with the kids and have music on for more than 10 minutes because I can't handle the noise.

I'm also feeling all this grief about my life and trying to come to terms with this not being a passing phase. Feeling really angry at others I see who life seems to come so easily to and feeling like I should be able to be like that. And really resistant to taking my meds, like not remembering them and then putting off taking them later and later.

Is anyone familar with, shoot can't think of the guy's name, some site all about BPII? I've been readin it and feeling like I fit so many of the markers he lists. I just thought I would need to be more wild to be BP, not just angry and unable to complete anything or related consistently to anyone.

Thanks for providing the space to vent.
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Old 07-02-2005, 02:53 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BelovedK
Are there any of you out there who have been made worse by being pregnant? Not afterwards, but during..bc that is what i experienced and then after the babymoon period, it just gained on me and smashed me like a train. It was awfull.
I was fine, a normal-ish girl until.....
I swear the day after conception with my 2nd child I woke up with BiPolar. I cried every day. I threw things. I was so so angry. After the birth I just got worse. Not typical PPD worse, bonded with baby fine, loved her and all that. But Angry, hurting myself, hating DH, wouldnt leave the house. Woke up at 4:30 AM to clean behind the refridgerator....weird shit.


flash foward to today though... Im doing pretty good. Im on 200 mg of Lamictal, which seems like its working swell, along with my usual 1200 Lithium. We got me off the seroquel except for help with sleep and anxiety.



Im starting a JULY thread so change your subscription!!!
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Old 07-02-2005, 08:10 PM
 
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Just a quick response, I'm sorry you went through that and it validates my own experience to know that someone else actually felt that way bc of the pregnancy horemones...my theory is that the 'stress' of the pregnancy brings out anything that needs to be dealt with...physically and mentally.

BP made my experience less than pleasant and put my family through hell...i hate to think what it did to poor little DD, but she just popped out as the happiest baby ever.

I'll subscribe to the July thread.

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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Old 02-05-2008, 05:25 PM
 
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Hi, I have just joined your thread, on Bipolar through seeing it on mothering.com. I am a mother of an eight year old who has Bi-Polar. I have had it for 9 years now and since I have had it presently I feel my best. I have a job and my son has a hearing loss but he's doing well accept for a few difficult behaviours but I think I will be able to get some good advice from people on this site. I think the reason why I am so well is because I stopped fighting Bi-Polar and started to be totally responsible with taking the medications, so I would advise everyone to do the same once you have found meds that work. I look forward to chatting with your forum again soon.
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Old 02-08-2008, 01:07 AM
 
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I was dx'd in 2005. I started with Lithium, took it until summer of last year. Tired of the side effects and I wanted to try something new.

Lamictal. Got the very rare and possibly fatal rash from it.

Abilify. Worked great for a few weeks then I got the shakes, loss of motor skills and talked like a slurring drunkard. Added in a benzo to counteract that side-effect and it only improved a little bit.

Trileptal. Got massively depressed and felt suicidal even though I never told anyone it was that bad- just that I was depressed beyond belief. Added in Zoloft.

Decided I was sick of the med-go-round and went off all my meds around Thanksgiving.

Tried eating healthy, whole foods, tried to exercise, tried to get back into life but it's not working.

I'm raging again. Shutting down. Picking fights over everything. I hate my family, hate my life and just do not want to be here anymore. I'm not suicidal- I have no plan to harm myself. I just would like to go to sleep and not wake up.

I have about 9k available on CC's. I'm tempted to get in my car, fill the tank and drive off into the sunset and start a new life.

On the flip side, I've thought about admitting myself to the hospital. Only problem is with my insurance, you have to be suicidal for an admission. I'm not. And if you know any back history on me, you know my marriage is rocky even at it's best and I live in fear of dh using my illness against me should we split down the road.

I spend every day in my jammies or in sweats and a t-shirt. I force myself to shower and brush my teeth. I can't sleep at night and drink coffee to stay awake. I look at my life and cannot imagine spending the rest of it stuck in this hell.

I'm bored beyond belief, yet nothing interests me. Nor do I have the motivation to find anything interesting.

I'm just sick of it all.

I'm considering going back on meds just so my family will like me again. Nobody likes the raging me. I don't blame them at all.

I just feel dead inside and like I am just putting in my time until I die.

It sucks... It just really sucks...

:
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Old 02-08-2008, 04:12 AM
 
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All I can say is hugs. I'm so sorry.

I've been down so far that it hurts to just keep my head above water and all I can do is tread water. And that is all I do during those periods of time. Tread water. But eventually it does tend to lift, at least for me, and I'm hoping someone will send out a liferaft to you soon.

Right now I'm trying to regulate. Just got a diagnosis in the midst of a major maniac episode. Never had those before October but they've started to rear their ugly heads. I tried Zxprexa (gained 15 lbs in a week) and seroquel which just made me into a very mean zombie. Today the doc decided to try depakote, which scares me but at this point I just want the mania gone.

I'm still researching and am going into a new doc next week (the one I saw today was a crisis doc) to see whether or not this is truly my dx.

To all those out there suffering, peace and comfort.
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Old 02-08-2008, 12:14 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DragonflyBlue View Post
I'm raging again. Shutting down. Picking fights over everything. I hate my family, hate my life and just do not want to be here anymore. I'm not suicidal- I have no plan to harm myself. I just would like to go to sleep and not wake up.

I have about 9k available on CC's. I'm tempted to get in my car, fill the tank and drive off into the sunset and start a new life.

On the flip side, I've thought about admitting myself to the hospital. Only problem is with my insurance, you have to be suicidal for an admission. I'm not. And if you know any back history on me, you know my marriage is rocky even at it's best and I live in fear of dh using my illness against me should we split down the road.

I spend every day in my jammies or in sweats and a t-shirt. I force myself to shower and brush my teeth. I can't sleep at night and drink coffee to stay awake. I look at my life and cannot imagine spending the rest of it stuck in this hell.

I'm bored beyond belief, yet nothing interests me. Nor do I have the motivation to find anything interesting.

I'm just sick of it all.

I'm considering going back on meds just so my family will like me again. Nobody likes the raging me. I don't blame them at all.

I just feel dead inside and like I am just putting in my time until I die.

It sucks... It just really sucks...
I have felt a connection to many of your threads in the past. This post really hit me. I have been threw the same med-go-round in my twenties. Now at 32 I've been on effexor for the past 4 years and clonazepam for sleep. It's calmed me, kept me stable, and I thank God for it, BUT I've also gained 40lbs. Oh well. My insurance is giving me crap about my meds this year, so lately I've been trying to take half of my normal dose so that I don't go into the poor house.

I feel the same way this week, due to life circumstances I need to move, find a new job, and maybe put my dd into a new school next year. I didn't plan this, I'm being pushed this way, and that mixed with half doses of my meds this has been a really hard week.

I can totally understand the not being suicidal, yet wanting to never wake up feeling. That's what I'm fighting right now. Being a single Mom, I'm afraid to admit myself to the hospital, in fear it will be used against me in the future. It's a hard place to find yourself, and I know that there are solutions but right now I haven't found them yet, and it's scary being in this place.

Everything you wrote above was like I wrote it myself. I'm so sorry your in the same place. I wish I had words of wisdom to pass along, but I don't. I take no pleasure in the fact that your in the same boat, yet I feel comfort knowing that I am not the only one.

I feel mad and resentful this week cause I look around at couples or parents and children and I feel like most people in this world have people that have their back. The people I thought had my back have shown it to be an act, and I feel so alone. It's not like I'm asking to be supported with money or given things, just a "well done" or a "how are you doing" would make my day brighter.

I feel like my best (which in my book is pretty damn good) isn't good enough for the world, and I'm so tired of being told I'm not good enough.

J please take care of yourself, and I'll try to do the same.

-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
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Old 02-08-2008, 08:43 PM
 
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I hear you too trinity.

I get pissed off because other families seem so damn normal. I don't know of another family that has had to deal with even half of what we have. My own therapist -who has been in practice for over 25 years - says the same thing.

Since 1998, there has been constant chaos in our home. It never ends. My teens are out of control. My oldest at home teen dropped out, works at the most 5 hours in a two week period. My 17 yo is on a new med that makes her bitchier than a pitbull with PMS and a yeast infection. My 14 year old rarely comes home from school, sneaks out of the house, etc. My 11 yo has anger management issues - who can blame him when his entire life has been chaos. The twins are hellions- normal 4 yo's, but still! LOL

It's been kids in and out of hospitals, suicide attempts, one who did die by suicide. (four kids with BP, three living)

DH and I are either doing very well or ready to divorce. No happy medium.

My oldest is married, has two kids and thinks he has all the answers to parenting- as does his wife and they love to try and tell us what we need to do or are doing wrong.

House rules are really simple. Come straight home from school, do homework and your one job and then you can hang out. Nobody wants to follow the rules. It's a constant battle with them.

What really sucks is that the kids want allowances for their illness, but me? HA! I'm not allowed to be ill. I'm not allowed to have off days. I'm not allowed to have med issues. I'm not allowed to check out now and then. They can. I can't.

I get nagged at for being on my computer. I go nowhere. I have no friends. This is my social life. If I did not come here, I'd have no other adult interaction aside from dh and my mom. (not counting therapy)

I love my family. I really do. But dammit, I want a life too and I did not sign up for this one!

I feel overwhelmed most days...

Did manage to do the taxes today. Getting back about 10k. So between that and my CC's, I'd have a nice sum to run away and start over. What's the incentive to stay?

*sigh*

I just want to be better. I want my kids to be better. I want a "normal" life!

:
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Old 02-09-2008, 02:48 AM
 
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Many of us with BP have been there with the med nightmare, and you are right, it does suck. I had that same reaction to Trileptal, gained 45 pounds on Depakote (still have 'em too), took Neurontin with the Trileptal, became a total zombie, had massive withdrawal getting off of it, became a complete wacko on Zoloft, plus a few other things I can't even remember now. I was dx'd in 1995, and it took me a good 3 years to find something that worked. Had a couple of decent years on it, then got pregnant and had to go off the meds. The story has several more chapters, but I did finally find something that worked. And the difference is something I never could have even imagined, because I had no memory of 'normal' or frame of referance to work with.

The key is to keep trying, even when you don't feel like it, and it just doesn't seem worth it. It is, although you can't see it now. Make sure you have a doc you like, trust, and can be honest with. And keep trying. I take Verapamil now, which is a calcium channel blocker (blood pressure med). It doesn't keep me flatlined, but it is within a managable range. My husband is also dx'd BP, and he takes Depakote, with no side effects, no weight gain. Things can be a little squirrly at our house from time to time :0.

Go back on the meds, not so your family will like you, but because the state you are in now is a rip off. You deserve better, you deserve to live fully. And your kids deserve that too. It's hard to see in the place you are coming from now, but just do it and decide that you will re-evaluate in a few months. You can always quit the meds again if you have to.

Good luck- BP is painful, harsh, and ugly, but not every moment of your life needs to be lived that way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DragonflyBlue View Post
I was dx'd in 2005. I started with Lithium, took it until summer of last year. Tired of the side effects and I wanted to try something new.

Lamictal. Got the very rare and possibly fatal rash from it.

Abilify. Worked great for a few weeks then I got the shakes, loss of motor skills and talked like a slurring drunkard. Added in a benzo to counteract that side-effect and it only improved a little bit.

Trileptal. Got massively depressed and felt suicidal even though I never told anyone it was that bad- just that I was depressed beyond belief. Added in Zoloft.

Decided I was sick of the med-go-round and went off all my meds around Thanksgiving.

Tried eating healthy, whole foods, tried to exercise, tried to get back into life but it's not working.

I'm raging again. Shutting down. Picking fights over everything. I hate my family, hate my life and just do not want to be here anymore. I'm not suicidal- I have no plan to harm myself. I just would like to go to sleep and not wake up.

I have about 9k available on CC's. I'm tempted to get in my car, fill the tank and drive off into the sunset and start a new life.

On the flip side, I've thought about admitting myself to the hospital. Only problem is with my insurance, you have to be suicidal for an admission. I'm not. And if you know any back history on me, you know my marriage is rocky even at it's best and I live in fear of dh using my illness against me should we split down the road.

I spend every day in my jammies or in sweats and a t-shirt. I force myself to shower and brush my teeth. I can't sleep at night and drink coffee to stay awake. I look at my life and cannot imagine spending the rest of it stuck in this hell.

I'm bored beyond belief, yet nothing interests me. Nor do I have the motivation to find anything interesting.

I'm just sick of it all.

I'm considering going back on meds just so my family will like me again. Nobody likes the raging me. I don't blame them at all.

I just feel dead inside and like I am just putting in my time until I die.

It sucks... It just really sucks...
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