Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: the land of sunshine and hurricanes
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bumping this...and my story from another thread....
I am a recovering anorexic with purging, but no binging, though officially diagnosed as EDNOS because I didn't get small enough before I was forced into therapy. Talk about the system working against you huh?
My story started in high school, where I worked my butt off in all honors and advanced classes, swim team, and cheer squad, plus having to be the perfect daughter and big sister. I can't even remember when I started because it's been so long ago, though I think I remember it starting at 16, when my bf of 4 years dumped me for not having sex with him (I was a virgin and ashamed to be seen naked). At some point in the spring of 2001, I was 5'5" and I weighed 112 lb. Nobody ever told me that I looked good or looked bad that I can remember, but I still felt incredibly heavy. By that time I had developed a huge fear of being overweight (my mom is) and really thought that I looked the same as she did, even now, looking at pictures of then, I see myself as overweight. This yo-yo'd all through the rest of high school and college, until I was eating the least I'd ever eaten, even though I wasn't at my thinnest. That's when I got pregnant with DS. Before he came, I had had 3 miscarriages and developed hypothyroidism, which I will now live with the rest of my life. I haven't restricted in over a year now, but I say recovering because part of me is still looking forward to DS weaning himself, so that I can finally get my current weight under control. I think I am actually overeating now, and I know it's not good because I have food hiding all over our house and I won't eat a whole lot until DH is asleep. I go to curves, but instead of concentrating on getting healthy, all I think about is "Am I thinner than her?" "Are my thighs showing?" "Can anyone see my stomach through my shirt?" I went from 179 to 173 in one month, which I know is a healthy weight loss, but I am now dreading my weigh-in next week. Some days I do really well, eat 3 healthy meals, and dont' think about my problems at all, other days, it's all I can do to shove food in my mouth, and sometimes I won't eat all day because I know once DH gets home from work I will have to. I have been to see a therapist once, during my pregnancy, she didn't do a whole lot to help with the ED, because I wasn't restricting while I was pregnant, but she did help with my anxiety. She would ask one question about my eating at the beginning of the session, then we would focus on my severe anxiety disorder.
My DH knows, but doesn't understand, and hasn't asked me how he can help. He harasses me about food (what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, how often...) all the time. He thinks he's just making jokes and picking on me.
Also, my parents, sisters, and the rest of my family know nothing. I am too afraid to tell them.What am I afraid of? I don't know. I think part of it is that I am afraid they will try to stop me later if I start again.
Anyways, I just wanted to share my struggles and my story. Big hugs to all of you!
*UPDATE* since last post...I am going to a counselor next week who specializes in EDs. Pray for me please!