OK, I'm officially going downhill.
I've been slipping back into a depression for some time now. I'm trying to fight it, but I'm afraid it's not working.
I was doing so well for a while there. So well. We had a rough year and it seemed like at times the world was against us, but I kept going WITHOUT EVEN GETTING DEPRESSED.
But now it's been too much.
I have some health problems the doctors can't seem to diagnose. They keep looking at my stomach and intestines even though I've told them I don't think that's my problem. It's frustrating, because my doctor usually listens to me. But now I've had a colonoscopy, an endoscopy, and a CT scan, with no diagnosis. I'm beginning to think it's all in my head. (Then again, I keep saying the problem isn't my stomach, and that's where they keep looking.)
I've gained weight even though I need to be losing weight (my husband and I want to have another child, and because of blood pressure issues I need to lose weight before I can safely get pregnant.)
And I was trying to get our finances in order and try to figure out a way that I could be a stay-at-home mom without making us homeless or something equally as bad, and because of the medical thing and some car problems they're actually in WORSE shape since I started trying to reign them in.
It's all I can do to muster up energy to play with my DD (who is 3 1/2). No housework is getting done. It's all I can do to go to work (which is a whole other set of stress) and come home and take care of my child. I'm trying to make things better and it seems like they're just getting worse. On my days off I'm just a slug. The most activity I get is fixing my child breakfast and lunch, and I manage to wash just enough clothes to keep us in clean clothes (barely.)
I want to give up. But I keep fighting. And I hate it that it's affecting my child. The other night I was snuggling with her in bed before she went to sleep, and she suddenly hugged me tight and said, 'Mama, please don't leave me.' (No, I'm not suicidal nor have I talked about it, especially not in front of my child. All the same, she wasn't talking about my leaving the room since I hadn't made a move to get up.)
I am so tired.