Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Flyover Country
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My DH took a 1 1/2 yr hiatus from work to stay home with me a my son b/c my BPD was out of control. After much hard work, therapy, doing what the doc tells me, etc. I began to stabilize a few mos ago to the point we felt DH could return to work and I could return to being a SAHM. Everything was going great.
Then, my bipolar (unmedicated, untreated) gpa was dx with terminal liver cancer. He and my gma live a few houses down and I was doing my best to care for them and my family. Things reached a boiling point when my gpa refused to drink anything for two weeks (he is very delusional right now). The rest of my family (all in town) was too scared to intervene b/c my gpa has an explosive temper and can be very mean. I finally insisted on calling 911 and gpa was admitted to the hospital for dehydration. I stayed with him for 4 days in the hospital. I then talked him into going to an assisted living facility to "build himself up so he can go home". The first night in the facility, he went ballistic. He insisted we take him home and spewed all kinds of hateful things at us. Taking him home was NOT an option; he requires 24 hr nursing care and we had nothing in place to address this. I tried to get him to calm down and explain this to him, but he was over the edge. Finally, on the advice of the nurse, we told him he had to stay and left the room. He screamed my name and continued to yell as we walked down the hallway. It was *very* traumatic...I felt as though my heart had been ripped out and I was plagued with fears that I wasn't doing the right thing. (Again, I'm "family spokesperson"; my mom is also bipolar and very unstable herself right now). We called the nurses that night to ensure that he had calmed down, which he had. I visited the next day and he was very sweet, thanking me for leaving him there b/c it was for his own good.
My problem now is that I'm a wreck. My thoughts are very obsessive and I can't seem to get my mind to stay off my gpa for more than and hour or so. I've gotten pretty good at redirecting my thoughts, but I still feel depressed and very anxious. I dread going to see him b/c I know he'll ask me about leaving the facility (which he won't...he probably has less than 6 weeks to live). He also is very delusional and talks about how great he's doing and that he doesn't have cancer. And he continues to be moody and often is mad at the staff.
I feel such an overwhelming responsibility to "make everything right" (which is an integral part of my personality regardless of the situation.), but I know it's going to set me back mentally. I have to find a way to separate myself from these intense emotions and be realistic about what I can and can't do. I keep telling myself he's in a different part of his life than me, I can't place my emotions on him. And my mom and brother live here so they can help with visiting and some of the other responsibilities. My mom also has a brother 3 1/2 hrs away who has come twice to visit, but has pretty much "checked out" emotionally.
Thanks for reading this. I would love any advice you can give as I simply cannot backslide.