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#1 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 12:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am!!! I really really am... and I do not know how to stop myself!

FIRST AND FORMOST, I AM NOT SUICIDAL, I DO NOT WANT TO END MY LIFE, I DO NOT WANT TO DIE!!!

With that said.

I hate my life, I hate my marriage, I hate my husband, I hate myself.. I hate everything about me right now.

-I am in a marriage that I dispise.
-My children are not happy.
-My oldest son is not doing well and is depressed.
-My husband does not help me at all
-My husband REFUSES to talk to me!.. If he had a mouth full of 'poop' he would not even say POOP!!!
-I have no money to pay bills with.
-I recieved my second disconnect notice on my electric ($530).
-We have been eating raman for three weeks.
-My husband will NOT keep his hands to himself, no matter how many times I tell, yell, or scream at him to not touch me, he will NOT STOP TOUCHING ME.
-I lost a baby last year and have not delt with it. ~my hormones are still going ape$h!t over that a year later.
-I lost ALL of my children last year and have not delt with it.
-I was RAPED by the state of FL last year and have not delt with it.
-I am very angry!
-I am very very bitter.
-I am not the type to 'show emotions' in front of others.
-I get angry and lash out at ones around me when I 'need' to cry.
-I yell and get upset with my family.
-My husband will not play the male roll in my children's lives.. and omg, they need a strong male sooo badly!
-I am faced with a HUGE decision of do I put my son on MEDs and pray to the Goddess that they help him and do not do perm. damage to him.. do I just let him go and hope to all hell he does NOT make himself die (his words)
-We have one car that works right now.
-My husband would rather walk away from his family then to live iwth me as roomates and be productive parents.
-My husband has it in his head (thanks to another memeber of this board/friend of mine) that if he runs with our only child together that I cannot do anythign aobut it, cause he is HER daddy.
-My husband has been told by my 'friends' that he should get me drunk, tie me to the bed and 'get laid' cause I wont put out... mind you while my husband is being told this I was standing right there.. he was laughing and so was the person who was saying it.. but the F'd up part aobut it.. they BOTH know that my virginity was physically raped from me as a young teen, and yet, they both thought it was FUNNY to talk about doing this to me.
-I have lost most of our CD, baby has grown out of them
-I have no ambition to sew anymore.. and I have tons of fabric to do so.
-I cannot find a damn job to save my life!
-I do not have the $100. up front for daycare for my baby, and I do not have any $ to put my son into after care.
-My drivers license has been suspended 4 times in the past year cause of failure to pay CS (I am soo behind on that)
-I am suppose to pay $50 a week in CS for the child who LIVES WITH ME.
-I want to be held, but not by my husband!
-I want to cry and fall appart in someones arms, but not my husbands.


OMG, I can go on and on.. I just want it all to stop!

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#2 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 12:26 PM
 
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I'm so sorry. You need to get away from your husband. He is abusive. Is there anyway for you to get therapy to deal with all of the things you've been through this past year? I wish I had more advice for you. More s
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#3 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 12:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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forgot to add..

-I am mean to my husband.
-I yell at my husband a LOT.
-I have no respect for my husband.
-I try to 'talk' to him, but he shuts down, will not say a WORD


-I am the abusive one here in this marriage.

Therapy.. lmao.. yeah, thats almost funny.. I have NO $... and no there is not any free places to go.
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#4 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 12:34 PM
 
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I couldn't read this with posting a hug.

Can you call a parents or women's hotline just to have someone to talk to and/or listen?

Are you still in Florida?? her is a link to a variety of hotlines:http://www.sboard.org/SHELTERS/FL.HTM

Sometimes just talking to someone can help... I wish there was more I could do for you.

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#5 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 12:36 PM
 
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No matter how mean you may be to your husband, joking and laughing about raping you is not okay. He should be more understanding considering what you've been through.
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#6 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 12:49 PM
 
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Check your PM box.

hugs

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#7 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 12:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tracy
Check your PM box.

hugs

I have, nothing new that I have not read alread.
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#8 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 12:53 PM
 
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#9 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 01:18 PM
 
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ok mama, i want you to take a deep breath and write me what is good in your life. it is very difficult to do but i want you to reply to me with just one. and if there is more even better.

let me start right now. i look out of my window and the sun is shining and i see the leaves on my favourite tree are already changing colour. i see some yellow leaves. in one sense yukh i hate the cold. BUT it means crunchy leaves will soon be here and my dd and i will be doing tarzen yells and jumping into the pile of leaves together. i am so grateful for life. i am thinking of sending her to her preschool now though because she will get a much more nutritious lunch there than what i have at home.

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#10 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 01:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Umm.....

My daughter is unloading the dishwasher and clapping. She can bring a smile to my face in the darkest time... as do ALL MY CHILDREN

Umm...
I am leaving here as soon as I get done with this to have a cup of coffee with a couple friends.. new coffee place that is super Pagan Friendly That makes me happy and is good.

I shall return.
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#11 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 01:36 PM
 
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I agree that your marriage sounds abusive. Him ignoring you and then expecting sex is emotional abuse. I understand having no money, but there are shelters available. I know how awful that sounds, but sometimes we've got to do what we've got to do.

PLEASE seek help. Call a hotline. Search for free services, they are out there. There is help for you, but you have to be proactive to find them.

((((HUGS))))
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#12 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 01:38 PM
 
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I have been following your story here on the boards..no advice really, but I can only imagine what you have gone/going through

Blissful Mama to DD-(5), DS-(6) and someone new due in November!
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#13 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 02:04 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tummy


Umm.....

My daughter is unloading the dishwasher and clapping. She can bring a smile to my face in the darkest time... as do ALL MY CHILDREN

Umm...
I am leaving here as soon as I get done with this to have a cup of coffee with a couple friends.. new coffee place that is super Pagan Friendly That makes me happy and is good.

I shall return.
oooh i feel joy just imagining ur dd unloading the dishwasher and clapping. what a joyous moment for her.

i am getting ready to make some oatmeal for the park and then walk to the park with my dd thru this mysterious neighbourhood and hopefully we might meet the birdman who takes his budgrigars for a short flight in teh park. my dd is sooo excited she is not going to preschool and i am so excited i am not stressing out about finding a job or having just $2 in my pocket but will have a great time at teh park. that particular park just feeds my soul. something about it - perhaps the trees just fills me with so much gratitude and deep joy.

will be thinking of you enjoying ur cup of coffee and having a great time with your friends. i miss having that. no friends to just chat with at a coffee shop. that is so my dream.

will check back later.

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#14 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 02:20 PM
 
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there should be some resources for counselling available to you. can you call a woman's shelter or a crisis line? many counsellors have sliding scales. i don't know where you live so i wouldn't know where to direct you. please keep looking for a therapist who is willing to work with you, it is very important.

you need to take care of yourself so that you are available to your kids. have you thought of separating from your dh until you can heal yourself?

Midwifery student , Mama to my 4 amazing kids. treehugger.gif

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#15 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 04:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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meemee, can I have pictures of your park??? It sounds absolutely amazing!
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#16 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 07:29 PM
 
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wish i could tummy. but i washed my digital in the washing machine and so killed it. nothing to share pictures with you. the park was WONDERFUL.

we did meet the birdman and got to listen to him talk about the personalities of his birds. couple of the birds were home as they laid eggs last night. talk about baby fever. i am in the midst of it and even teh birds are having babies.

then there were a couple of mamas enjoying one of theirs bday. my dd has been asking for strawberries for a while but i cant buy them for her. they v. sweetly shared their cupcakes (: red velvet cake with chocolate chips) and my dd got some of their fruit salad with strawberies in them. one of thre moms had a 6 month old that i got to hold. it felt soooooooo good holding a baby. 6 month old who was just so fascinated by my face. and then when i put her in her carseat as they got ready to leave she was kicking her feet and playing with her toesies. awwwwwww....

dd had a great time esp. playing in teh sand. she is a sensory child. u should have seen her face. black from teh dirt as her hands

and i got to contemplate a little, say my prayers and express my gratitude as well as write in my journal

did u have a good time over coffee?

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#17 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 07:36 PM
 
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I'm so sorry Tummy- I can definitely relate to the "falling apart" kind of feeling.

I think you should call a women's shelter/ domestic violence hotline, even if you don't think you're being abused.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18, and Jack, 12
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#18 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 07:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruthla
I think you should call a women's shelter/ domestic violence hotline, even if you don't think you're being abused.
Really, he is the one who is abused.. I verbally abuse him by yelling and screaming at him.. not showing him respect and all, its not me who needs to call its him.:
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#19 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 08:19 PM
 
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Are you serious? No matter how loud you scream, touching you without your consent and joking about raping you is abuse. You need to get out of this situation. I would take my babies and run, go live with a relative, anywhere but there. IT is not good for anyone involved.

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#20 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 08:40 PM
 
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I agree, he is verbally abusing you! and joking about rape isn't cool at all also are you saying he has thought about kidnapping your baby? I don't have any advice really..oh, can you sew diapers at home to sell for $? just a thought. I really hope things get better for you.

Blissful Mama to DD-(5), DS-(6) and someone new due in November!
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#21 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 09:55 PM
 
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ok so u r yelling at him and not showing him any respect.

and what does he do? i am quoting your words.

-My husband does not help me at all
-My husband REFUSES to talk to me!.. If he had a mouth full of 'poop' he would not even say POOP!!!
-My husband will NOT keep his hands to himself, no matter how many times I tell, yell, or scream at him to not touch me, he will NOT STOP TOUCHING ME.
-My husband will not play the male roll in my children's lives.. and omg, they need a strong male sooo badly!
-My husband would rather walk away from his family then to live iwth me as roomates and be productive parents.
-My husband has it in his head (thanks to another memeber of this board/friend of mine) that if he runs with our only child together that I cannot do anythign aobut it, cause he is HER daddy.
-My husband has been told by my 'friends' that he should get me drunk, tie me to the bed and 'get laid' cause I wont put out... mind you while my husband is being told this I was standing right there.. he was laughing and so was the person who was saying it.. but the F'd up part aobut it.. they BOTH know that my virginity was physically raped from me as a young teen, and yet, they both thought it was FUNNY to talk about doing this to me.


and this is how you are as an abuser
-I am mean to my husband.
-I yell at my husband a LOT.
-I have no respect for my husband.
-I try to 'talk' to him, but he shuts down, will not say a WORD


plus these are your problems. YOURS it seems. not his.
-I have no money to pay bills with.
-I recieved my second disconnect notice on my electric ($530).
-We have been eating raman for three weeks.
-I lost a baby last year and have not delt with it. ~my hormones are still going ape$h!t over that a year later.
-I lost ALL of my children last year and have not delt with it.
-I was RAPED by the state of FL last year and have not delt with it.
-I am faced with a HUGE decision of do I put my son on MEDs and pray to the Goddess that they help him and do not do perm. damage to him.. do I just let him go and hope to all hell he does NOT make himself die (his words)
-We have one car that works right now.
-I have lost most of our CD, baby has grown out of them
-I cannot find a damn job to save my life!
-I do not have the $100. up front for daycare for my baby, and I do not have any $ to put my son into after care.
-My drivers license has been suspended 4 times in the past year cause of failure to pay CS (I am soo behind on that)
-I am suppose to pay $50 a week in CS for the child who LIVES WITH ME.


why are these your problems? why isnt he emotionally supporting you even fi they are not his kids. why are you bearing the brunt of this worry. why are you there?

why are you there when :
-I want to be held, but not by my husband!
-I want to cry and fall appart in someones arms, but not my husbands.
-I have no respect for my husband.
-I try to 'talk' to him, but he shuts down, will not say a WORD


it doesnt matter whose fault it is. that is the way things lie. obviously therapy is not going to work according to you. so what are you going to do?

are you there just because he is providing financially now?

can you file for welfare? can you go to court to update the CS order when the child is LIVING with you.

so for right now is a job the only way out for you? finding a job that is?!!!

is there ANYONE who can watch your kids while you work for free or for v. little? is there anyone who can do it now while you go out looking for a job. at least for a few hours a few times a week. maybe even once a week. even to just go to a temp agency?

what do you feel needs to happen first?

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#22 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 10:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
meemee
it doesnt matter whose fault it is. that is the way things lie. obviously therapy is not going to work according to you. so what are you going to do?
WOW, your post is really .... umm... wow!
I have to disagree with this quote though. I know I need therapy.. hello, trama trama trama last year. I KNOW I NEED therapy!!!

Therapy for him and I?.. No, we have already done that, and well, according to my husband I am perfect and the best thing since sliced bread.

but to your post.. WOW!
Thanks!
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#23 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 10:59 PM
 
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sorry tummy now that i look back i think i need to be a little more sensitive to my language on this forum. *whew* wiping the sweat off my brow... yes i meant therapy for him - even for the both of you. not just you. heck if u dont need it who else would kwim?!!!

and i wasnt pointing at therapy for u either. i mean u r not a fool. of course u r gonna go to it/take it. obviously u posted here for more than 'go get therapy' advice.

but remember mama it was all ur words. none of mine. i was just trying to read it and decipher what it meant to me.

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#24 of 29 Old 09-12-2006, 11:48 PM
 
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Tummy- if he won't stop touching you when you don't want to be touched, that's abuse, plain and simple. Maybe it won't hold up in court, but it's still abuse.

Threatening to rape you is abuse.

Threatening to kidnap your baby is abuse.

It's very, very common for abused women to react "abusively" towards the abuser- yelling, acting manipulative, etc, either as a survival technique (if I don't hide money from him I won't be able to buy what I need) or as "lashing out" against the abuse.

Domestic violence coalitions also provide services to abusers- primarily because so many abused women perceive themselves to be the abusers, but also because helping abusers is another way to stop the cycle. If you think you're being abusive towards your husband, they can help you.

Any time there might be abuse involved, the domestic violence coalition provides services, such as counseling, for free.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18, and Jack, 12
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#25 of 29 Old 09-13-2006, 03:11 AM
 
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*hugs*
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#26 of 29 Old 09-13-2006, 04:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh no, I thought your post was awsome.. a WOW, Casey look at how she put that into perspective WOW-awsome

Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee
sorry tummy now that i look back i think i need to be a little more sensitive to my language on this forum. *whew* wiping the sweat off my brow... yes i meant therapy for him - even for the both of you. not just you. heck if u dont need it who else would kwim?!!!

and i wasnt pointing at therapy for u either. i mean u r not a fool. of course u r gonna go to it/take it. obviously u posted here for more than 'go get therapy' advice.

but remember mama it was all ur words. none of mine. i was just trying to read it and decipher what it meant to me.
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#27 of 29 Old 09-13-2006, 04:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you Ruthla.. I appreciate your post so much!
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#28 of 29 Old 09-21-2006, 01:44 AM
 
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. I was about to post a thread on the exact same thing (Literally - I was going to call it falling apart, although totally diff situation) and then I saw yours so I read it and well .... It must be so hard for you Most people have said everything I can think of to say already but Ruthla summed it up by saying:

Quote:
If he won't stop touching you when you don't want to be touched, that's abuse, plain and simple. Maybe it won't hold up in court, but it's still abuse.

Threatening to rape you is abuse.

Threatening to kidnap your baby is abuse.
ESPECIALLY the threatening to kidnap your baby one... THAT is bad.

Maybe he isn't abusive as such, but these are still abusive tendancies... I'm sorry for what your going through, and that you have no-one to hold you and make you feel any better. It just makes me sad cos I understand the feeling totally alone thing.... , I hope things get better.
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#29 of 29 Old 09-24-2006, 02:20 AM
 
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It sound like you need to work on alot of things. First off I know that doctors are expensive but try to get ahold of one through the womens shelter, crisis center or socail services. It sounds like you need to stablize your mind so you are better able to make choices and face what comes. I know alot of mommie think meds suck, and I know you are considering them for your son, but maybe they would help you too. Just a thought.

Good Luck and remeber whata previous preson said, you cant help other until you have helped your self. Please do what it takes to help your self.
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