Two years ago in counselling my doctor brought out all my childhood issues and unfortunately didn't know how to help me heal, only cope with them session by session. Needless to say the past 2 years have been hell. My husband has been nothing but the complete opposite of supportive because he is scared sh*tless. I have been on the verge of suicide a lot especially in 2004. The other day after another counselling session that just didn't cut it I got fed up and looked other resources up online.
I found someone in my area who does Core Belief Engineering (CBE) and looked into it. It sounds like it *could* hold the key to healing the source of my pain and helping me to move forward in life. At first I was terrified to mention this to my husband because I knew he would freak out about the financial implications. That being said I know that I HAVE TO DO THIS so I can truly live and be here for my sweet daughter Hope. I hate feeling this way and know that my doctor is limited in what he can do and know I need to heal if I am to live not just survive which is what I've often been doing these past 2 years.
At first Ben (dh) was supportive, he didn't know how we'd pay for it but he said we'd make payments which is okay with the CBE therapist. *sigh* Then of course last night he started to freak out on me because I was too worn out to deliver my Avon orders (I sell Avon full time from home) and how I cost him so much money and money is tight (we are both working from home trying to grow our businesses - very high stress!).
He freaked out going on and on that he would need to spend $2500 on 3 sessions. (Each sessions is approx $300-$600 depending on the time taken, it's $75/hour.) The CBE therapist suggested 3 sessions spaced months apart, Ben is convinced that I will get nowhere with it and that he would have paid out all that money for nothing and we'll be drowning in debt yet again. I tried to explain that this HAS to happen so I will be here for him and Hope but all he could see was the money.
It broke my heart.
I feel (and told him this) that by focusing on the money that it feels like he doesn't care if I live or die, that he doesn't value me as his wife and Hope's mother. And all he could say was that I've wanted to commit suicide for 5 years now. Well six to be exact. After my baby died I really didn't see the point of living but I kept going day by day hour by hour minute by minute and here we are.
The thing is I know that by doing this CBE thing it will help. Of course it won't be perfect and I may need to do a bunch of sessions but I HAVE TO TRY!!! I HAVE TO BE HERE FOR HOPE!!!
The thing is when he is so cruel like that it makes me feel like 'What is the point of even trying when my own husband doesn't care if I live or die?'
Eventually he told me he loved me and he didn't want me to die but then proceeded to go on and on about the money and how hopeless it was because nothing will heal me. He probably said the word 'money' over 100 times and the word 'love' three times after being prompted.
It makes me so sad and angry.
Here I am doing all this work in counselling trying to heal and all he can say is that I haven't changed. The thing is I *HAVE CHANGED* it's just that he doesn't choose to see it! I used to just cry and be overwhelmed with problems and was stuck there. Now I cry and am overwhelmed but then I find solutions!!!!! I try anyways. They may not be perfect but I try!!!! Which is more than I can say for him!!!
I am so angry!!!!
His fear of going bankrupt (like his parents almost did) and his fear of facing his own emotional turmoil from childhood is what drives him to do this. I realize I am battling against generations of pain contained in Ben. I want to heal and I want him to heal but the pain he causes with his hurtful comments and concern for the money over me at times makes me want to give up. I don't see the point when my own husband doesn't even love me enough to invest in my healing and therefore our family's healing!
I am so tired of being married to a scared little boy who won't grow up and won't try to make things work! Two years ago I thought for sure I would leave him because of his complete lack of support and cruelty and yet when push came to shove I couldn't do it! The thought of divorce made me feel like I was drowning...all my dreams dying.....
So here I am two years later, still trying to work on this marriage, things have changed (very slowly) he is starting to respond and through what I've learned in counselling I have been able to help him to break down some of his walls. Sometimes I feel so hopeful like we are getting somewhere and then his fear resurfaces and it comes out as anger towards me for all the money I have spent to help myself cope day to day so that I can be here for him and Hope. The whole thing is so ridiculous!!!! GRRR!!!!
I feel I'm fighting a losing battle and often don't know what to do! All I can ever do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and try my damnedest not to give up! Like I said I was so suicidal in 2004 but my great love and desire to give Hope the best and everything I didn't get growing up conquered the suicidal feelings. They didn't go away but I knew I couldn't do it, I couldn't do that to my baby. She is whole and happy and content. And I want to keep it that way. It's what I've worked for my whole life.
Sometimes I just don't know how much longer I can stay in this marriage with this scared little boy whose trapped himself in behind many brick walls. He wants to act like everything is fine but my childhood issues only trigger his so he tries to shut me down. I can't be shut down, these issues need to be resolved! I'm tired of crying about not having a family, I'm tired of crying about being an emotional orphan all my life. I just want to give the best to my little Hope girl. I want to give her a happy healthy family with two whole and loving parents. *sigh*
I am going to try the CBE and hopefully it helps. I desperately need it to help so that I can heal. I just want to heal and then if I have to leave Ben because of his unwillingness to work on this marriage and himself, I will, but first I know I have to heal.
Maybe he'll never face his own issues, I wouldn't be surprised if he hid behind his brick walls all his life. I hate the idea of divorce! I grew up believing in marriage being for life a true commitment through thick and thin. And yet he is endangering my life with his complete lack of support and cruelty towards me.
I would hate to put Hope into such a messy thing as divorce but I guess I may have to make that decision someday. First I have to heal. First I have to heal.
If anyone has any support they can give me I would greatly appreciate it.
I feel so alone and empty and just plain worn out. Some days I would rather stay in bed then get up.
I do whatever I can to get through day by day whether it's taking noni juice, omega 3 capsules, Rescue Remedy spray, aromatherapy, colour bath therapy, posting on Mothering, crying out the pain, etc. I just have to get through this somehow.
I never dreamed my life would be so painful. I never dreamed my husband would be such an *ss! I never dreamed life could be so difficult and living moment to moment such a daunting task. *sigh*
Any support anyone could give would be most appreciated.