Childhood Issues Resurfacing and Weighing Me Down - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-01-2006, 02:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Two years ago in counselling my doctor brought out all my childhood issues and unfortunately didn't know how to help me heal, only cope with them session by session. Needless to say the past 2 years have been hell. My husband has been nothing but the complete opposite of supportive because he is scared sh*tless. I have been on the verge of suicide a lot especially in 2004. The other day after another counselling session that just didn't cut it I got fed up and looked other resources up online.

I found someone in my area who does Core Belief Engineering (CBE) and looked into it. It sounds like it *could* hold the key to healing the source of my pain and helping me to move forward in life. At first I was terrified to mention this to my husband because I knew he would freak out about the financial implications. That being said I know that I HAVE TO DO THIS so I can truly live and be here for my sweet daughter Hope. I hate feeling this way and know that my doctor is limited in what he can do and know I need to heal if I am to live not just survive which is what I've often been doing these past 2 years.

At first Ben (dh) was supportive, he didn't know how we'd pay for it but he said we'd make payments which is okay with the CBE therapist. *sigh* Then of course last night he started to freak out on me because I was too worn out to deliver my Avon orders (I sell Avon full time from home) and how I cost him so much money and money is tight (we are both working from home trying to grow our businesses - very high stress!).

He freaked out going on and on that he would need to spend $2500 on 3 sessions. (Each sessions is approx $300-$600 depending on the time taken, it's $75/hour.) The CBE therapist suggested 3 sessions spaced months apart, Ben is convinced that I will get nowhere with it and that he would have paid out all that money for nothing and we'll be drowning in debt yet again. I tried to explain that this HAS to happen so I will be here for him and Hope but all he could see was the money.

It broke my heart. I feel (and told him this) that by focusing on the money that it feels like he doesn't care if I live or die, that he doesn't value me as his wife and Hope's mother. And all he could say was that I've wanted to commit suicide for 5 years now. Well six to be exact. After my baby died I really didn't see the point of living but I kept going day by day hour by hour minute by minute and here we are.

The thing is I know that by doing this CBE thing it will help. Of course it won't be perfect and I may need to do a bunch of sessions but I HAVE TO TRY!!! I HAVE TO BE HERE FOR HOPE!!!

The thing is when he is so cruel like that it makes me feel like 'What is the point of even trying when my own husband doesn't care if I live or die?' Eventually he told me he loved me and he didn't want me to die but then proceeded to go on and on about the money and how hopeless it was because nothing will heal me. He probably said the word 'money' over 100 times and the word 'love' three times after being prompted.

It makes me so sad and angry. Here I am doing all this work in counselling trying to heal and all he can say is that I haven't changed. The thing is I *HAVE CHANGED* it's just that he doesn't choose to see it! I used to just cry and be overwhelmed with problems and was stuck there. Now I cry and am overwhelmed but then I find solutions!!!!! I try anyways. They may not be perfect but I try!!!! Which is more than I can say for him!!!

I am so angry!!!! His fear of going bankrupt (like his parents almost did) and his fear of facing his own emotional turmoil from childhood is what drives him to do this. I realize I am battling against generations of pain contained in Ben. I want to heal and I want him to heal but the pain he causes with his hurtful comments and concern for the money over me at times makes me want to give up. I don't see the point when my own husband doesn't even love me enough to invest in my healing and therefore our family's healing!

I am so tired of being married to a scared little boy who won't grow up and won't try to make things work! Two years ago I thought for sure I would leave him because of his complete lack of support and cruelty and yet when push came to shove I couldn't do it! The thought of divorce made me feel like I was drowning...all my dreams dying..... :

So here I am two years later, still trying to work on this marriage, things have changed (very slowly) he is starting to respond and through what I've learned in counselling I have been able to help him to break down some of his walls. Sometimes I feel so hopeful like we are getting somewhere and then his fear resurfaces and it comes out as anger towards me for all the money I have spent to help myself cope day to day so that I can be here for him and Hope. The whole thing is so ridiculous!!!! GRRR!!!!

I feel I'm fighting a losing battle and often don't know what to do! All I can ever do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and try my damnedest not to give up! Like I said I was so suicidal in 2004 but my great love and desire to give Hope the best and everything I didn't get growing up conquered the suicidal feelings. They didn't go away but I knew I couldn't do it, I couldn't do that to my baby. She is whole and happy and content. And I want to keep it that way. It's what I've worked for my whole life.

Sometimes I just don't know how much longer I can stay in this marriage with this scared little boy whose trapped himself in behind many brick walls. He wants to act like everything is fine but my childhood issues only trigger his so he tries to shut me down. I can't be shut down, these issues need to be resolved! I'm tired of crying about not having a family, I'm tired of crying about being an emotional orphan all my life. I just want to give the best to my little Hope girl. I want to give her a happy healthy family with two whole and loving parents. *sigh*

I am going to try the CBE and hopefully it helps. I desperately need it to help so that I can heal. I just want to heal and then if I have to leave Ben because of his unwillingness to work on this marriage and himself, I will, but first I know I have to heal.

Maybe he'll never face his own issues, I wouldn't be surprised if he hid behind his brick walls all his life. I hate the idea of divorce! I grew up believing in marriage being for life a true commitment through thick and thin. And yet he is endangering my life with his complete lack of support and cruelty towards me.

I would hate to put Hope into such a messy thing as divorce but I guess I may have to make that decision someday. First I have to heal. First I have to heal.

If anyone has any support they can give me I would greatly appreciate it.
I feel so alone and empty and just plain worn out. Some days I would rather stay in bed then get up.

I do whatever I can to get through day by day whether it's taking noni juice, omega 3 capsules, Rescue Remedy spray, aromatherapy, colour bath therapy, posting on Mothering, crying out the pain, etc. I just have to get through this somehow.

I never dreamed my life would be so painful. I never dreamed my husband would be such an *ss! I never dreamed life could be so difficult and living moment to moment such a daunting task. *sigh*

Any support anyone could give would be most appreciated.
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Old 10-01-2006, 06:34 PM
 
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Wow. I don't know how to respond to that I am so overwhelmed. I don't know much about you situation, but I just wanted to let you know that I had read your post and that I was thinking about you.
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Old 10-01-2006, 11:44 PM
 
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I know how it feels to feel trapped by your depression. One thought I had is have you tried a support group? It's just another avenue that may help. I don't know anything about CBE, so I can't really offer any advice there.

One thing that helped me in the past (when I do it) is journalling. Just reading your post makes me think it might be helpful to you - you have so much to say. What I would do is write down how I was feeling train of thought whatever was coming into my mind and do that for as long as I needed - then I would go back and look at it and translate it into observations (statements of fact), feelings and needs - No judgements. So if I had previously written something like 'All DH cares about is money', I might translate it into "When DH says he is concerned about the cost of my therapy, I feel scared because I need his support. I feel worried because I need to know he loves me. (etc)

I got this technique from learning about non-violent communication. While it is ostensibly a way to communicate with others without judgement, I found it to be a great way to communicate with myself - and to learn about my feelings and needs. Once I could boil down my emotions to a concrete need - it was easier to see how that need could be filled. Also one of the things they talk a lot about is how we all need empathy - someone to listen to us and really understand us - and the best way to get tha tis to have the other person reflect our feelings and needs back to us - it really is refreshing! Anyway, you can learn more about it here if you are interested: www.cnvc.org (there is a book by Marshall Rosenberg called Nonviolent communication which is excellent)

Anyway, I ended up going on more than I meant to - I hope it helps. Remember, you can feel free to vent here, we are always willing to listen, though we may not know the solution!

Mightymoo - Mom to DD (6) and DS (4)
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Old 10-02-2006, 09:32 PM
 
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I couldn't read without sending you

I don't know anything about CBE, but I do know how exhausting it is to live moment to moment. I hope you find your path to wellness.
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Old 10-03-2006, 12:36 AM
 
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I couldn't read and not post.

I have never heard of CBE. I hope it works for you.

If you're ever feeling desperate, you can call 1-800-SUICIDE. Or 1-800-273-TALK. They're toll free and there is always someone there.

I also think a support group would be a good thing for you. If your husband is hurting, he can't be the support you need. You might need to lean on someone else. A support group can give you that.
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Old 10-03-2006, 11:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello and thank you to everyone for your kind responses. I appreciate them!!

I have done journalling in the past at Xanga and for a long time had a good support base there but eventually had to limit my journals to only subscribed friends due to issues with dh's 'family' using it against me.

So I do still have that account and can post and do sometimes but I prefer to have someone respond and empathise with me even if they can't offer a solution.

I wish there was a childhood issue support group in our area!! There isn't. When this stuff all came up and I was drowning with the secretary called all over town and found nothing. I don't even know if any organizations offer that kind of support! I guess I should search online in case something has been missed.

Generally I can journal or cry my way out.... sometimes I just drive and drive and cry and vent. I wonder if those support line numbers would apply in Canada. I have to say I haven't had very good luck with support lines either. The ones I called turned out to be people who had no training and one even put me on hold for 5 minutes while I was feeling suicidal. It was ridiculous!

Figuring out my needs has definitely helped...over time I have been able to figure out what I've needed and been able to find solutions to meet those needs.

I've been doing more reading on EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) which has been interesting. To use EMDR I would need to find a trained therapist but I have been able to use the scripts from EFT myself and they have been helpful which is good. It's just that there is so much I wonder if I wouldn't need weeks at a time to get through it all. Ugh.

The CBE session is coming up on the 19th and will possibly continue into the 20th. I just have to hope that it helps and hang on til then. Even healing one of my core beliefs HAS to help a little if not greatly.

Thanks for all of your posts. I don't mind long ones.

I greatly appreciate the support!
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Old 10-04-2006, 01:41 PM
 
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I have experienced many of the same issues, except my DH is overly-supportive (alomst to the point that I don't understand why he "puts up" with me sometimes.)

I do journaling--just for myself, not for others to read. I find that I can rant and rave all I want. I don't write in an organized fashion. It weaves all over the place, but it is ok. I find that when I reread things, that I find such a sense of resolution.

The biggest thing for me is remembering that I cannot change the past. I cannot be responsible for other people's actions. I am only responsible for my own actions and can only change the now, which in turn can change the future.

My therapist told me that sometimes, you don't need to know the "why," you just need to accept (as in "x happened") and move on.

I don't know exactly what types of issues you are dealing with, but your story reminded me of where I was a little while ago. About 4 years ago, DH was away on business and I was home with our 5yoDD and 10moDS. I called 911 because I was afraid that I might hurt myself. They suggested I call my insurance help line--I talked to a wonderful woman who calmed me down and told me what to do (call DH, go to ER.) She even called the ER and made arrangements that there would be someone there to watch the DC while I was seen. I am confident that she saved my life.

Also, look in your phone book for Catholic Charities. Even if you are not Catholic (I'm not), they offer a wonderful array of services for mental health for free or very minimal charges.

Feel free to PM me to talk.

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Old 10-12-2006, 12:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you vamp127 for your kind reply.
I really appreciate knowing I'm not alone.

Last week I went to see a new RMT and she did some cranial-sacral therapy as well as some energy work and it really seemed to help make me feel clearer.

While I was driving home I suddenly had a vision of myself as pure gold with a heart of orange-gold, the colours of the autumn leaves.

It helped me to realize that all along I've been a happy joyous even silly person but I've been weighed down with so many issues from childhood that covered up that joy with depression, emptiness and darkness.

I feel I am healing and as I said seeing Carol really helped to clear me somehow, I feel like I am more open to healing and more able to fully heal.

I have also been using Z-point scripts and the pink colour energy bath for self love and self identity both of which have helped. I hope that the Core Belief Engineering next week will help lift some of the false core beliefs I have about myself and bring about more healing. I just want to live and be radiant with joy, energy and happiness instead of drowning in pain, emptiness and darkness.

Thank you to all of you who wrote (and continue to write) to encourage me in my journey.
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Old 10-23-2006, 09:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I went to Core Belief Engineering on both Thursday and Friday and found the therapist/practitioner to be very kind, caring, understanding, sensitive, etc. It felt good to get to know and trust her. We talked for 7 hours total which felt great, I think I must trust her or I wouldn't have gone for the second day but now I'm wondering if we will get to the process at my next appt!

I guess the thing with CBE is you don't know how long anything will take, so you book a lot of time and go by how the client is feeling. Made sense to me and it felt right to take breaks as I needed to.

So by the time we had covered all my history and I had said everything I needed to say the practitioner didn't think we'd have enough time to start a CBE process that day so I wouldn't be left hanging!

I didn't want that either but I expected to have done a process by now and am feeling sick and worrying that this practitioner won't be able to give me all I need to heal. *sigh* I left her a message and an email so I'm hoping to get a comforting helpful response.

Our next appt is on Oct 31 (the soonest she could fit it in) so I hope that it's what I expect. In the meantime I've slept an extra 5 hours on Sat & Sun due to extreme emotional exhaustion and today I've felt sick all day, headache-y and like I could throw up at anything.

I am so nervous and just want to get to the process and start to heal!

Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated!
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Old 10-24-2006, 01:27 AM
 
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Reneé, 34 year old mom to Antonin 8/04 and Arianna 9/06  (6 weeks) 5/08. Married to Matt since 6/03 .  
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Old 10-24-2006, 02:38 PM
 
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It sounds like she is very pleasant. I think you are quite lucky. I hope that your treatment starts going well on the 31st. On the road to healing!!!

How is your dh dealing? It sounds like he needs counseling, too. Maybe some marriage counseling on the side?

(((HUGS)))

AP Mom to 5 knit.gifhomeschool.giftoddler.gif
 
  

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Old 10-24-2006, 03:25 PM
 
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I'm so glad to hear that things are moving in a more positive direction. The physical symptoms you describe could very well just be the result of all the emotional work you've already done.

Don't expect miracles all at once. I think it is a good sign that she wanted to get a thorough picture of who you are and where you are before moving on. I hope the 31st builds on that.

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