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#1 of 19 Old 10-18-2006, 10:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Let me start by saying that I am not suicidal. I don't want to die.

I can't take it any more. Yesterday, I tried to run away and realized I had nowhere to go. finally got to a friend who put in in a cab to go home 4 hours after I walked out of my house

I do not have another job lined up

DH is profoundly unhappy

I just scan't take it anymore. I feel like something in my has broken. I have cried for 13 hours straight and still keep going.

I just can't do this anymore

I want to go home to nyc

I want someone to take care of me

I want my mommy, but she reeally and truly doens't want me

I feel so broken and sad and pained and I just can't take it.

I honestly feel like I should check myself into a hospital. DH wnts me back at work today
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#2 of 19 Old 10-18-2006, 10:31 AM
 
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I'm so sorry.

That is a very hard place to be.

Personally, I would skip work today. Going to work while in crisis usually causes more problems.

Does you DH expect you to go to work when you have a cold? Well, that might be a typical episode of lower-level depression.

Does your DH expect you to go to work when you have double pnuemonia? That is more analogous to the situation at hand.

If it seems like a hospital is your brest bet for staying safe, then it probably is.

Trust me, it can and likely will get better. I've been there, plenty of us have. It's not ok now, but it can be in future.
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#3 of 19 Old 10-18-2006, 10:35 AM
 
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I am so sorry you're depressed right now. Depression sucks. Is this chronic or situational? Does your situation suck and you're trying to figure that out--how to fix it, or are you depressed and can't get up?

Do you have loving friends who can help you right now? Does your husband understand?

Can you go to a counseling center just to talk to someone right away?--that really can help immensely.

I'm sorry I can't offer more than a cyber hug and encouragement to hang in there. That can seem so Polly Anna, but I used to be depressed and got healthy and OK and happy. It must seem very dark right now. But, you can get help and be OK.


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#4 of 19 Old 10-18-2006, 10:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lauradbg View Post


I am so sorry you're depressed right now. Depression sucks. Is this chronic or situational? Does your situation suck and you're trying to figure that out--how to fix it, or are you depressed and can't get up?
Chronic at a low level, but between mychronic pain and life sucking I can't cope.

Is this what a nervous breakdown feels like?

I'm so scared that the hospital won't let me leave or see my almmost 3yo nursling.

I'm so scared of everything right now.

My heart hurts so much
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#5 of 19 Old 10-18-2006, 10:55 AM
 
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Oh mama, I am so sorry to hear you are having a hard time. Take it minute by minute, hour by hour if you have to. Breathe deeply (as useless as it sounds, it does work). You are not alone, many of us have been there, and you WILL come out the other side. Do you have a therapist/counsellor you could call? If not, and you are really feeling badly, there is no shame in going to the hospital. I'm sending peace and serenity vibes for you, and I'll light the candle beside my computer for you. Take care of yourself, mama.
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#6 of 19 Old 10-18-2006, 11:53 AM
 
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sending lots of hope, positive thoughts, and strength your way, RubyV. I don't know your situation and wouldn't presume to know any answers, but sometimes a breakdown is actually a breakthrough-and I hope you emerge renewed from this difficult space.
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#7 of 19 Old 10-18-2006, 12:10 PM
 
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Yes it sounds like a nervous breakdown. I had one at age 17 (was later diagnosed bipolar). My mother had 3 throughout my childhood and it sounds like exactly what you are going through. If you feel you need to be hospitalized you might want to do that. If its voluntary they cannot keep you there if you want to leave. They might say you can't but they are lying. I'm not sure if you will be able to have your 3 year old come visit. You would be in the psychiatric ward and I think they might have an age restriction for visitors. Try and make DH understand how serious you are, don't let him just brush this off and tell you to go to work. I hope things get better for you.

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#8 of 19 Old 10-18-2006, 01:31 PM
 
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I am so sorry things are tough on you right now. I would not go to work. Your dh sounds like he is being insensitive. The pp's have some good suggestions for finding some counseling ASAP. Is there some sort of mental health facility or women's shelter near you? They may know where you should go for help. And if you give them permission, they should be able to talk to your dh about being sensitive to you right now and work as a mediator.

Is there any way that you can get away and take a trip to NYC for a night or two with your 3 yo in a hotel, maybe? Just to get away. That way you have someone else to clean the room and do the cooking, etc.? Like a mini vacation?

I know the feeling of wanting my mommy. I have been the grown up since I was little, and I wish I had a mommy to take care of me or to lean on once in awhile. Mine never wanted me and is now in jail. Do you have an aunt or grandma or older female friend you can go spend the day with and lean on? Maybe rent some flicks and eat chocolate and cry together?

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#9 of 19 Old 10-18-2006, 02:12 PM
 
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I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time. You're an amazing woman. Please do whatever you need to get through this. The details will work out, just take care of yourself.
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#10 of 19 Old 10-19-2006, 11:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I got an emergency script of atian for a night. Today I will see someone in the urgent care clinic for short term meds and Friday for therapy.

They are trying to get me a medical leave of absence until my last day next friday.
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#11 of 19 Old 10-19-2006, 11:01 AM
 
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I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. I hope you can find some restful time off, and I am sorry you're going through this. You're in my thoughts!

Flowers, fairies, gardens, and rainbows-- Seasons of Joy: 10 weeks of crafts, handwork, painting, coloring, circle time, fairy tales, and more!
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#12 of 19 Old 10-19-2006, 11:33 AM
 
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I am keeping you in my thoughts. I am glad that you have been able to get some help, and I hope they get you the medical leave of abscense. Take care of yourself.

 
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#13 of 19 Old 10-20-2006, 01:33 AM
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I'm sorry you're having such a bad time. I checked myself into hospital a few years ago; I had a severe nervous breakdown, you sound a lot like I did then actually. I just ..... snapped. Everything that sucked just caved in on me and I crumbled. I was a voluntary patient, and I had absolutely no probs seeing my toddler, no one tried to take her away or mentioned CPS. If you feel in your gut that you need to be in hospital then that's where you need to be. Some areas have a less formal place; it's reserved for people who aren't in serious condition, as in suicidal, and it's like a sort of B&B/halfway house - I stayed in one for a few days (they're only short term places), when I didn't qualify as serious enough for hospital stay, and it helped to be where a counsellor was down the hall 24/7 and I could just THINK. Or not think, whichever felt better. I know right now you probably feel like you want to hand over all the responsibility to someone else, and just curl up and shut it all out. I've been there, and it hurts, but you'll get out of that bad place eventually. I wish you all the best. (((hugs)))
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#14 of 19 Old 10-20-2006, 09:53 AM
 
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I hope you are feeling slightly less hopeless, RubyV. It sounds like you're taking good care of yourself--it's so good you went for some help. Sometimes depression can be so paralyzing. The fact that you're getting help for yourself says so much about your ability to turn this around--you really can!

I agree about the breathing. Also, cut out all sugar and eat whole foods. If you're too drpressed to cook, don't. Eat whole grain bread, whole milk cheeses, fruit, salads. Maybe you could scramble an egg or two? Drink tons of water. Get some fresh air--move your body. Take your kid to the park. Can you get to a park?

Try not to have all-or-nothing thinking. Easy, right?! But, it really isn't always all black or all white. Give yourself some wiggle room to feel easy in the places where you can.

Crunchy check list:  2 homebirths (one accidental UC!), co-slept, no CIO, cloth diapers, home/un school, raw milk drinker (!) I am a walking cliche!! I even blog and knit...
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#15 of 19 Old 10-23-2006, 10:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I just wanted to say that i'm hanging on. I'll post more later
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#16 of 19 Old 10-24-2006, 02:20 PM
 
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Ruby, I have been there and I know how scary it can be. You've done the hardest first step--getting yourself some help. I hope that things start improving soon.

You are in my thoughts.
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#17 of 19 Old 10-24-2006, 02:24 PM
 
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Ruby,
I've been tinking of you. I'm glad to hear that you're hanging in there.

 
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#18 of 19 Old 10-30-2006, 07:10 PM
 
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keep hanging in there sister! if you can't get the medical need of absence, or if DH's worry is $, can you work from home? sometimes it helps to be in a safe place. take care of yourself. remember, you have your dc, that's the most important thing, right?
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#19 of 19 Old 10-30-2006, 07:55 PM
 
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Ruby, have you called A? You know our family history, and you know both she and I have dealt with PTSD and she with depression in many forms. Call me, too, if you ever need anything.

We love you, babe. Take care of you.

Sarah - Mama to Vic (1/19/00), Syd (4/06/02) Sam (4/20/06-born at 30wk2d), JackJack (2/14/07) and Charlie (4/30/10)
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