I was actually came to this forum to ask about if I could be mildly bipolar (the only thing I could think of, and it sounds familiar to me as both my grandfather and uncle are severly bipolar)
Before posting, though, I was lurking through a few of the other posts here and I noticed the term "borderline personality disorder" mentioned frequently. Curious to know what it was, I googled it... reading the description has me in tears right now because that is EXACTLY how I feel and what I've been going through for the past several years.
The intense mood swings, the going from one extreme to the other. I can be on top of the world in an awesome mood. And one little thing (sometimes I can't even pinpoint what) will set me off and I'm horribly aggressive, can't stop thinking negative thoughts, yelling at DH and even the babies (yeah, I know, I'm a horrible mama). This "funk" will last for a few hours, even a few days, and then just as instantly, I'm back to normal. Or higher- as I've noticed immediately following these downs, I start planning all these projects, buying new craft supplies (that I never touch again), talking a mile a minute to DH, telling him how much I love him (like over and over again in the course of a single conversation).
Speaking of DH, our relationship is so strained and it's mostly due to my moods. When I'm feeling down, I get SO mad at him for ignoring me. Yet if he dare tries to hug me, or even talk to me, I yell at him to leave me alone. And when he does that, I start thinking how much he hates me and how he must not care. I feel SO guilty for treating him that way and how I don't deserve him... horrible, horrible cycle. I'm suprised he's stayed with me this long.
At first I thought it was just depression... but that wouldn't come and go like this, would it? I feel fine about 3/4 of the time... it's just the other quarter of the time, I wish I could crawl away and die. (Not so much because I want to, but because I hate how I treat my family. They don't deserve that. I want to be the loving, supportive, attatched mama/wife that I really am inside, not this horrible monster of a B. that lurks inside me.
I guess it doesn't help that I'm pretty anti-social. (I only get out of the house about once a week, and that's just to go to the library and the grocery store). DH just doesn't understand. I've tried explaining depression to him (which I had as a teenager, as well as PPD) and he doesn't understand how I can be sad "for no reason", that I should
be happy- why aren't I? My mom was recently dxd with breast cancer and is having surgery (possibly a masectomy) in a couple weeks. So, I really don't have anyone to talk to about this and the way I'm feeling.
ANYHOO, that felt kinda good to get out. So, now what? Call the doctor? What kind of doctor? Anything I can do at home ie naturally?
Thanks for reading if you made it this far...