I'm not really sure if this is going to come out right. I know I need counseling. I have no insurance and no money though, so I can't get one for a while. I'm hoping either DH will get a job with benefits soon, or I'll be able to get my birth certificate and then get medicaid. Either way, I'm hoping to have counseling soon.
Here's my problem. I already have been diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder by my PCP. I was on lexapro and klonopin until I became pregnant. Now I'm not on anything. It's very difficult. But the risks aren't worth it, I'm very scared of that. In addition I know I'm deeply depressed. When I was 16 I was clinically depressed and through medication and counseling I worked through it. This feels so much worse.
I feel nearly incapacitated now. The thought of talking to people I don't know causes me to break down hysterical. I can't make phone calls without hyperventilating. All I want to do is sleep or hide in a closet. I feel like there is no light at the end of this tunnel.
I ended up leaving my last job because of all this. It definitely got worse after getting off the meds, big surprise. But even before that I would cry all the way to work. I would sit in my car and scream. Pray for a way to get out of having to go inside and deal with people. And that was while ON meds. The klonopin would help a little, but that more made it hard to cry. I still wanted to, but I just couldn't. At least I could get through the day. Once I became pregnant though I was left with nothing to help me cope.
I've been having these issues for years. And they just keep getting worse. Heck, about 5 years ago I hid in a closet (literally) because I just couldn't face what was waiting for me that day. A new job.
I know I need counseling, but considering my anxiety hits hardest when dealing with new people, well, you can see how this would be difficult for me to pursue. And even if I can make myself schedule for counseling, I don't know how I can be *me*. How can I show a complete stranger how I really feel? I'm afraid I'll either hold everything back, and well... that wouldn't help me. Or, I'm afraid I'll go the other way and completely breakdown, and seem like I'm acting.
How can you show a counselor who you are and how you're really feeling? Someone you've never met before.
This entire post has been so hard to write. Even just *thinking* about talking to a stranger makes it hard for me to breathe.