Is there a Bi-polar support thread? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 572 Old 11-24-2008, 01:06 PM
 
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I have a question - does anyone here "see things?" not like a true hallucination but more like shapes moving in your peripheral? (For example, I was reading a book the other day and i saw soemthing fly past me just above the book on the floor.) I thought it was a rat or something. Sometimes I see people. (Not really people but I think I sense a large someting in the room and see a blob or soemthing. Then I turn to look and its not really there.

I havent been getting help at all for this so I have no idea what this could be.

I also smell things that arent there like perfume, fire, etc. and hear things.
Oh this is interesting territory. Is it mental illness or is your house haunted?! I believe in both.
And I do notice things around here like that but my DH does too and he's not mentally ill.
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#62 of 572 Old 11-24-2008, 01:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh this is interesting territory. Is it mental illness or is your house haunted?! I believe in both.
And I do notice things around here like that but my DH does too and he's not mentally ill.
heh. LOL. Then I am haunted. cause its everywhere, not just at home. (And we just moved here from another house.)

paranoia is a symptom of bipolar. LMAO. I definatly have that one!
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#63 of 572 Old 11-24-2008, 05:05 PM
 
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I have in the past seen images like you're describing. It happened mostly when I was a teenager, and I was too afraid then to say anything for fear I'd be labeled as schizophrenic. I do hear music pretty often and occasionally hear voices. I've mentioned it to my current pdoc, and she didn't seem concerned. I know that a common issue is hyper-senses. I get that with smell. I don't eat a lot when I'm really up or really down because our plates smell strong to me. DH said they don't smell at all to him, so I think there's a sensory issue.

It's us: DH , DS ; DD ; and me . Also there's the . And the 3 . I . Oh, and .
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#64 of 572 Old 11-24-2008, 05:17 PM
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yeah, i see things and hear things and smell things when im not medicated. i dont tell many people that. itn would send me into full on panic mode. all of this talk is reminding me why i am so happy to me on meds. i was such a mess before i was on meds. for so many years. its so nice to feel normal.
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#65 of 572 Old 11-25-2008, 12:40 AM
 
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Yeah lots of discourse going on here!

Meds: For clarification, my long winded post wasn't anti-meds so please if you are on meds DO NOT STOP TAKING THEM! I only shared my story because I got to the end of the med trail and my doctor very worriedly told me "We're really at the end of the road, I don't know what to give you". I shared in case someone else is in that boat, or maybe someone on here is hurting and can't afford a doctor and meds. That was me.

So that is how I ended up where I am now, which is a happy ending story, but I do still sometimes fantasize about having insurance and being able to go to a doctor and address issues with meds- like the ADD I still haven't totally licked it, and I still get depressed and uber hibernatory/procrastinatory.

I also am in the mixed state mania club. I have had a few happy manias or hypo manias. They seem to not necessarily revolve around anything a human would call productive, but we can't all have Martha Stewart symptoms. I feel jipped, but oh well. I know I'm manic because I'm an introvert and when I'm manic I want to be out around people, but I still don't possess the suave skills to jump into a random social circuit so that was always super frustrating. I would just spin my wheels or end up in the hands of male predators. Ug. It might be good though otherwise more damage would have been done.

I do get shopping fetishes when I'm manic where I feel I can buy my way into happiness and perfection. It starts with a purse, which leads to an outfit, which leads to a perfume, a hairdo, shoes, darn it the purse maybe doesn't match enough stuff, another purse, another outfit, booze.....giving people stuff and money I don't have etc. Bad news. It's also a really bad manic habit to get into because once you're not manic the habit of buying when you feel iffy continues. I've stopped (I have no money and no longer use credit thank god!)

Hearing/seeing/smelling stuff I have this, but I think a lot of times it's just an intense sort of memory/trigger thing. I mean I think sometimes my subconscious is doing all that stuff. I've never like seen Jesus, or thought I was the Queen of Sheba, but I've heard scary voices, warning type stuff, or I'll smell someones perfume that is dead, or see something move in my peripheral vision, and when I look it isn't there, but I did truly see it. Maybe this is a 5th sense? Or maybe I'm just making myself into something fancy, when I'm really just mental. I'm fine with it either way. The fanciful interpretation is nicer though.

And Lamictal worked excellent for me, but I got the damned rash.

Right now my biggest worry is the brain damage that bipolar does. (Has anyone else seen these scientific articles about that?) It makes me sad, and I'm experiencing it and know it is the truth. I wish it was reversible.

And sunshine and exercise do work abundantly well, espcially for the downers. When your manic exercise can burn off some of the nervous energy, but sometimes it just exacerbates it. I was a fitness ninja when I was manic.

Well keep talking, I love that we aren't alone here, it's pretty amazing to read myself in so many other people.
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#66 of 572 Old 11-25-2008, 02:33 AM
 
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Yeah lots of discourse going on here!

Meds: For clarification, my long winded post wasn't anti-meds so please if you are on meds DO NOT STOP TAKING THEM! I only shared my story because I got to the end of the med trail and my doctor very worriedly told me "We're really at the end of the road, I don't know what to give you". I shared in case someone else is in that boat, or maybe someone on here is hurting and can't afford a doctor and meds. That was me.

So that is how I ended up where I am now, which is a happy ending story, but I do still sometimes fantasize about having insurance and being able to go to a doctor and address issues with meds- like the ADD I still haven't totally licked it, and I still get depressed and uber hibernatory/procrastinatory.

I also am in the mixed state mania club. I have had a few happy manias or hypo manias. They seem to not necessarily revolve around anything a human would call productive, but we can't all have Martha Stewart symptoms. I feel jipped, but oh well. I know I'm manic because I'm an introvert and when I'm manic I want to be out around people, but I still don't possess the suave skills to jump into a random social circuit so that was always super frustrating. I would just spin my wheels or end up in the hands of male predators. Ug. It might be good though otherwise more damage would have been done.

I do get shopping fetishes when I'm manic where I feel I can buy my way into happiness and perfection. It starts with a purse, which leads to an outfit, which leads to a perfume, a hairdo, shoes, darn it the purse maybe doesn't match enough stuff, another purse, another outfit, booze.....giving people stuff and money I don't have etc. Bad news. It's also a really bad manic habit to get into because once you're not manic the habit of buying when you feel iffy continues. I've stopped (I have no money and no longer use credit thank god!)

Hearing/seeing/smelling stuff I have this, but I think a lot of times it's just an intense sort of memory/trigger thing. I mean I think sometimes my subconscious is doing all that stuff. I've never like seen Jesus, or thought I was the Queen of Sheba, but I've heard scary voices, warning type stuff, or I'll smell someones perfume that is dead, or see something move in my peripheral vision, and when I look it isn't there, but I did truly see it. Maybe this is a 5th sense? Or maybe I'm just making myself into something fancy, when I'm really just mental. I'm fine with it either way. The fanciful interpretation is nicer though.

And Lamictal worked excellent for me, but I got the damned rash.

Right now my biggest worry is the brain damage that bipolar does. (Has anyone else seen these scientific articles about that?) It makes me sad, and I'm experiencing it and know it is the truth. I wish it was reversible.

And sunshine and exercise do work abundantly well, espcially for the downers. When your manic exercise can burn off some of the nervous energy, but sometimes it just exacerbates it. I was a fitness ninja when I was manic.

Well keep talking, I love that we aren't alone here, it's pretty amazing to read myself in so many other people.
Oh I won't go off of my meds. And yea wow if I ever doubt that I am bipolar all I have to do is read here for a bit. I hibernate and procrastinate and spend (and eat).
What's this about brain damage? I didn't know this
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#67 of 572 Old 11-25-2008, 04:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I was just diagnosed. Again. Except this time I believe it is actually a valid diagnosis. (I tend not to trust allopathic doctors ----> I am committed to 6 months of pharma drugs (OMG! Can you even believe it? Moi?!?!) And therapy. And maybe a little acupuncture.

I know, it's like "duh. My blog goes from nasty bashing conservatives to homemaking and Mormons. wtf?" It's the bipolar. Yeah.

1. I am way way sensitive to noise, smell, touch, and taste. (Which is probably one reason I love love love to eat.) But at times, I freak out on my kids when they are overstimulating me. If someone waves something around my face - I jump and get agitated. When there is ongoing, loud noise - I tell them "It hurts my body." And it does, only that makes them do it louder.

2. I am Jekyll and Hyde. One moment I can't get off the couch, and the next moment I am canning 50 jars of strawberry jam, which I drove 2 hours one way to get the strawberries in Plant City for. Or one moment I am in agonizing pain (remember the commercial "Depression causes physical pain?" and the next I am deciding to oh, say, become a professional body builder? Or telling my husband I'd like to strip (not kidding! LOL) or whatever.

3. People think I am lazy. Because I have up's, no one really understands I am depressed (And even I am hard on myself!) and people just think my house is messy because I don't clean it. On Purpose.

4. I cannot string together thoughts into actions. I look around my house and think "I wish it were clean" but I often have no clue on how to get from here. To There.

5. Every time I am depressed I "come out of it" and think "Ok, I am alright now." Instead of realizing that is just me transferring from depression to the "mania" part of bi-polar.

6. I feel hopeless. All.the.time.

7. Constant Brain Fog.

9. I loose my keys on a daily basis. Sometimes I ask my husband a question 5 times in a row before I remember his answer. And then forget it 1 hour later.

Its really hard to live this way, as long as I have, with absolutely no intervention. I wished someone had just made me get help, but my friends and family just thought I was crazy, or lazy, or I don't know what - no one really knew what was going on.

I feel really hopeful now that I know treatment is right around the corner. And also really nervous that I won't be able to follow through because I will think I am "better." I can remember when I was about 2 months in to talk therapy in 2004, with no access to medicine, marching in to my wonderful counselor and stating "I am cured because I got saved. Yep, Jesus is talking to me and I am healed." Then I smiled at him, shook his hand and left the office.

That's bipolar, baby.
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#68 of 572 Old 11-25-2008, 12:07 PM
 
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I know exactly how you feel. So many things that you just listed describe me very well. Especially the part about not trusting doctors! I have Eastern practitioners in my family and I also come from hippie "stock" (so to speak). I have a firm grasp on the evils of big pharma, their relationshp to doctors (also have a pharma rep in the fam) and the western practice of treating symptoms (harshly at that) never addressing causes, or the whole person. I don't think Western medicine is all evil though. It's just sorely lacking. It seperates parts from the whole. But it has its uses and this is sure one of them!
(Sorry didn't mean to go off on a tangent.)I just wanted you to know that it was extremely hard for me to decide to take artifical chemicals. very hard. So you're not alone.
I never thought that my hypersensitivity stuff could be related to bipolar. Wow.
Anyway just post here if you are ever thinking of going off your meds
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#69 of 572 Old 11-25-2008, 12:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i will! LOL. I am not on meds yet though. my apt is the 4th of dec.
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#70 of 572 Old 11-25-2008, 07:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night, and I was just wondering what a normal mom would be able to accomplish on a day like today with 3 kids, who wasnt depressed?

So far I have been online allmorning or laying on the couch unable to move. I have let my kids trash the house all day. (I mean, they dumped out bowls of smoothis on the table, i didnt clean up, cheereos in a pile by the front door, and thats in addition to the clean laundry that is strewn across the floor.)

I am just too freaking tired to function.

Everyone has been fed, and diapers changes. My ds has been hanging in the bathtub for about 30 min.

What would I be able to do if not depressed?



I want to have realistic expectations when I start treatment.
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#71 of 572 Old 11-25-2008, 07:07 PM
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I got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night, and I was just wondering what a normal mom would be able to accomplish on a day like today with 3 kids, who wasnt depressed?

So far I have been online allmorning or laying on the couchunable to move. I have let my kids trash the house all day.

I am just too freaking tired to function.

Everyone has been fed, and diapers changes. My ds has been hanging in the bathtub for about 30 min.

What would I be able to do if not depressed?



I want to have realistic expectations when I start treatment.

i am like the opposite of you. lol. i took my meds late this morning on purpose because i really really really needed to clean my house and get a some laundry done, and start packing for our thanksgiving road trip. i get a lot more accomplished un medicated, because my "default" is so manic. lol
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#72 of 572 Old 11-25-2008, 07:43 PM
 
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You can google "bipolar brain damage" and get some articles.

Transformed, I think you need to give yourself a little credit here. Once you're meds are doing there thing you can just do what you can do kwim?

When I was at my very sickest I was kicking myself every second of the day for all the things I wasn't doing- as a mother, a wife, a woman, a citizen etc. I mean ridiculous stuff. I was just angry that I couldn't "get it together" like everyone else.

So then I decided, made a conscious decision not to give up on striving for stuff, but to only concentrate on me being well.

Me being well doesn't include stressing myself out, or trying to meet some expectation. Healing has to take center stage.

Take EVERYTHING off the table that you can and then slowly add things back after you get your health going.

What do I do in a day? Sadly not a whole lot, but I am protecting my health. I consider any added burdens carefully because I cannot handle much stress/stuff going on in my life.

A normal average week day for me looks like this: I cook, I load and unload the dishwasher once during the day. I make coffee for the mr, I drink tea, I get my youngest off to school, and my oldest does her own hair and stuff I just drop her off at her school. Then I feed my dogs, I maybe write some checks for bills, I read, I sit, I think. I walk my dog for short walks some days. I do laundry (sometimes I even fold it, and sometimes I even put it away before we use it lol). I get my kids from school, I let them yammer for a while at me, and then I have to kind of have some quiet again so I retreat slightly (staying in the same room usually) and then I think about dinner. I generally get dinner on the table pretty on time, not always. Then 50% of the time I do the dinner dishes, sometimes I just let it be till morning. Every few days I find stuff to get rid of, this has been really key for housekeeping, but it's ongoing not a one shot deal.

That's my day. It is extremely low key. All I'm working on right now is building back healthy habits and routines. I never had them before. I winged it all the time. Disaster.

Transformed right now you are sick, you have to get better. Concentrate on that. Don't be afraid of saying no to anyone to protect your health.

And the insanity of the children (they do get crazy when we are sick, it seems to just magnify) will simmer down once you do. They just seem to know when we are even the littlest bit "off".

You are doing good, I'm excited for you to start feeling better!
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#73 of 572 Old 11-27-2008, 04:05 PM
 
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omg i can sooo relate. i recently became born again-Again. i think it was to appease my ex fiance (father to my son). i don't know what to believe. i never have...i just want to belong...somewhere...to someone...i'm all messed up. i just lost my job...i could take my kids there and now i'm broke and w/out work. i feel like a failure. i feel discriminated upon. i can't help the way i am. i am at a low. i love reading how you mamas feel/live cuz i too feel like i can't even get the simplest things done...like other 'normie' moms can. it amazes me how much they can do in one day...or hour.

maybe i should start a new thread about bfing and bipolar...don't want to hijack but i saw this one post about nursing and meds for bipolar so i figured i'd chime in...i'm feeling sooo scared and alone! but oh i'm sooo glad i found you mamas!! i desperately need to be on something else. i have tried so many antidepressants over the years and to no avail, i still struggle and suffer from rapid cycling bp and bpd. its just awful. its affecting my life greatly in so many ways and in so many of my relationships...i don't want to live this way anymore...nor do i want my 6 yo dd to either. she must be so confused by my actions. i'm so sad.

so tell me mamas...which mood stabilizer type of meds are safe for bfing?! i want to keep bfing my son who is one year old now. i don't want to wean him if i can help it. it makes me so sad...b ut i need help. so tell me what meds are safer than others. the one i've been on recently is zoloft. blah. doesn't help me. i still rage. i still get set off too easily and get so mad. i still get so tired and so depressed. i'm in a funk. i have tried lexapro. blah. makes me too apathetic. still got depressed and was impulsive. please forgive my ramblings....... my poor dd...she must feel so unloved and confused about me as her mama...i've tried to explain to her when i go off on a tangeant that its my brain not working right...but it still hurts her when i yell and throw a fit and yes, i've spanked her. which is sooo not what i even believe in. i feel like an awful mother. sometimes i think i should find another home for her. but i know that'd hurt her worse off...i need help. i need better medication and therapy for this. i have had dr's say yes, you are definitely bipolar. then others sending me off as i gallop off into whatever sunset i just conjured up for them saying ah, you are fine...you can do it! they are such fools...don't know what they are dealing with for sure!

so which ones ARE safer than say, lithium, for nursing? thank you mamas.

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yes!!! I wrote a blog entry about that. i totally agree. its so frustrating.

as far as meds go, i get samples from my pdoc for topamax, since its crazy expensive, and im also on buspar and zoloft, which are both $4 at walmart. i also take klonopin which is fairly cheap (like $20ish, i think?) as needed. i don't have to take it very often when my other meds are correct though. ive heard lithium works really great and is really cheap, but im nursing so i cant take it. depakote is nursing safe and super cheap though. i was going to try that next if topamax didnt work.
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#74 of 572 Old 11-27-2008, 06:02 PM
 
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Oh my goodness!
So sorry that you are having such a rough patch. I know that so many of us can relate.
I am not sure what mood stabilizers would be ok for breastfeeding but I would consult Dr. Hale.
I have to regularly go to my psych to make sure I am on the right med and get adjusted etc (because I am just starting new ones). I am doing Abilify and Welbutrin.
I'd worry if you are going to oversee your meds yourself.
Anyway this is a great place with lots of support so welcome!
You CAN do this, just not alone.

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omg i can sooo relate. i recently became born again-Again. i think it was to appease my ex fiance (father to my son). i don't know what to believe. i never have...i just want to belong...somewhere...to someone...i'm all messed up. i just lost my job...i could take my kids there and now i'm broke and w/out work. i feel like a failure. i feel discriminated upon. i can't help the way i am. i am at a low. i love reading how you mamas feel/live cuz i too feel like i can't even get the simplest things done...like other 'normie' moms can. it amazes me how much they can do in one day...or hour.

maybe i should start a new thread about bfing and bipolar...don't want to hijack but i saw this one post about nursing and meds for bipolar so i figured i'd chime in...i'm feeling sooo scared and alone! but oh i'm sooo glad i found you mamas!! i desperately need to be on something else. i have tried so many antidepressants over the years and to no avail, i still struggle and suffer from rapid cycling bp and bpd. its just awful. its affecting my life greatly in so many ways and in so many of my relationships...i don't want to live this way anymore...nor do i want my 6 yo dd to either. she must be so confused by my actions. i'm so sad.

so tell me mamas...which mood stabilizer type of meds are safe for bfing?! i want to keep bfing my son who is one year old now. i don't want to wean him if i can help it. it makes me so sad...b ut i need help. so tell me what meds are safer than others. the one i've been on recently is zoloft. blah. doesn't help me. i still rage. i still get set off too easily and get so mad. i still get so tired and so depressed. i'm in a funk. i have tried lexapro. blah. makes me too apathetic. still got depressed and was impulsive. please forgive my ramblings....... my poor dd...she must feel so unloved and confused about me as her mama...i've tried to explain to her when i go off on a tangeant that its my brain not working right...but it still hurts her when i yell and throw a fit and yes, i've spanked her. which is sooo not what i even believe in. i feel like an awful mother. sometimes i think i should find another home for her. but i know that'd hurt her worse off...i need help. i need better medication and therapy for this. i have had dr's say yes, you are definitely bipolar. then others sending me off as i gallop off into whatever sunset i just conjured up for them saying ah, you are fine...you can do it! they are such fools...don't know what they are dealing with for sure!

so which ones ARE safer than say, lithium, for nursing? thank you mamas.
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#75 of 572 Old 11-28-2008, 05:04 AM
 
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NEED support, but will have to come back to write more.

Single mama to Alex(13), Maddy(12), Sam(8), Violet(6), and Ruby(3). fly-by-nursing1.gif
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#76 of 572 Old 11-28-2008, 05:31 AM
 
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well, after being diagnosed for the fourth time by four different doctor's, I have recently come to admit that I am bipolar. I am on lamictal and doing well. It's funny because Dr.'s always ask if I have racing thoughts. I always said no. Now, being on Lamictal, I realize that I have always had racing thoughts, I just didn't know it. I thought is was normal. I feel like I have a long row to hoe. I have spent my family into over 100,000 dollars of debt. I have gained weight, and jeapordized my job on occasion. I am so tired of being different. I feel like if I have to have this, couldn't I just be manic all the time? At least then I felt better and got stuff done instead of bemoaning the fact that I don't do anything. Can you tell I miss the mania?

Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were a minute old, I would have died for you. That is the miracle of life. ~Maureen Hawkins~
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#77 of 572 Old 11-28-2008, 12:43 PM
 
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Gossamer thanks for sharing It's not easy! Glad you are doing well with Lamictal. I had horrible joint aches with it that got progressively worse so I had to go off. I was disappointed because I had high hopes for it.
I never get truly manic. I always thought that might be nice too but I know that it can be particularly difficult for people Welcome! I hope that it helps you being here with us. I know it's helped me.
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well, after being diagnosed for the fourth time by four different doctor's, I have recently come to admit that I am bipolar. I am on lamictal and doing well. It's funny because Dr.'s always ask if I have racing thoughts. I always said no. Now, being on Lamictal, I realize that I have always had racing thoughts, I just didn't know it. I thought is was normal. I feel like I have a long row to hoe. I have spent my family into over 100,000 dollars of debt. I have gained weight, and jeapordized my job on occasion. I am so tired of being different. I feel like if I have to have this, couldn't I just be manic all the time? At least then I felt better and got stuff done instead of bemoaning the fact that I don't do anything. Can you tell I miss the mania?
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#78 of 572 Old 11-28-2008, 04:19 PM
 
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i was reading an article online about a woman whose mother is bipolar and schizo. it made me sad-and scared, for my dc and i...i could relate to the mom and the woman (dd/

ie. how the mother favored the younger child, the son, and how she'd fly off the handle at her dd...it was like dd could do nothing right...it was like the mothers rage and insecurity got taken out on the dd...i find myself doing this w/ my dd. i think my bipolar is getting worse or i'm in a major major funk this last year. i am scared. i don't want my kids taken from me. i love them...i know i do. but sometimes i feel utterly apathetic when it comes to my dd. its so strange...i can't explain it except its a brain thing. it isn't me. i am so sad because i know in my heart of hearts i adore my dd...i hate how i've treated her at times...

i called my ex fiance (my sons father) a loser the other day as we instant messaged. he wants me back and wants our 'family' back together...yet he isn't willing to move here to my state and wants to stay in his comfort zone imho, of a 10 mile radius he's never left. i think he's scared. he says he doesn't like it here. well then why are thousands of people every year moving here...its beautiful. i think he's just scared. it just makes me infuriated because i deserve to be adored and he should prove himself to the kids and i as the godly man he claims he is now...

i could go on and on. the mood swings are utterly controlling me and my dc's lives...i'm scared my dr. won't know about meds. one dr. tried to put me on wellbutrin xr (or is it xl?) and i didn't do it...i was too scared to while nursing. so i went w/ the zoloft. not helping... i rapid cycle and i get very depressed. i don't get too manic...at least not real high. i have my moments that last maybe a few hours at most but they are few and far between.

well my son is crying, he is sick as am i so i better go lay us down again...
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#79 of 572 Old 11-29-2008, 12:32 PM
 
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i was reading an article online about a woman whose mother is bipolar and schizo. it made me sad-and scared, for my dc and i...i could relate to the mom and the woman (dd/

ie. how the mother favored the younger child, the son, and how she'd fly off the handle at her dd...it was like dd could do nothing right...it was like the mothers rage and insecurity got taken out on the dd...i find myself doing this w/ my dd. i think my bipolar is getting worse or i'm in a major major funk this last year. i am scared. i don't want my kids taken from me. i love them...i know i do. but sometimes i feel utterly apathetic when it comes to my dd. its so strange...i can't explain it except its a brain thing. it isn't me. i am so sad because i know in my heart of hearts i adore my dd...i hate how i've treated her at times...

i called my ex fiance (my sons father) a loser the other day as we instant messaged. he wants me back and wants our 'family' back together...yet he isn't willing to move here to my state and wants to stay in his comfort zone imho, of a 10 mile radius he's never left. i think he's scared. he says he doesn't like it here. well then why are thousands of people every year moving here...its beautiful. i think he's just scared. it just makes me infuriated because i deserve to be adored and he should prove himself to the kids and i as the godly man he claims he is now...

i could go on and on. the mood swings are utterly controlling me and my dc's lives...i'm scared my dr. won't know about meds. one dr. tried to put me on wellbutrin xr (or is it xl?) and i didn't do it...i was too scared to while nursing. so i went w/ the zoloft. not helping... i rapid cycle and i get very depressed. i don't get too manic...at least not real high. i have my moments that last maybe a few hours at most but they are few and far between.

well my son is crying, he is sick as am i so i better go lay us down again...
My uncle is paranoid schizo. Very sad.
About your meds, they aren't working because those meds alone aren't enough for BP and could worsen it. Welbutrin and Zoloft are antidepressants. They should be used in conjunction with mood stabilizers.
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#80 of 572 Old 11-30-2008, 03:03 AM
 
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Many mood stabilizers are safe for breastfeeding, there IS something out there to help you, don't let anyone tell you you can't nurse AND get treated! Fish oil of course is good for the nurseling. Depakote is ok while bfing.

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#81 of 572 Old 11-30-2008, 04:31 PM
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i have a copy of hale's if you want anything specific looked up, pm me anytime.
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#82 of 572 Old 11-30-2008, 05:30 PM
 
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really??? DEPAKOTE is safe while nursing? is it safer than lamictal? god i need help. i spanked my dd last night and i swear i feel like a rageful monster...like someone else. when really...normally (what is normal anyway) i would not even think to hurt her that way. i've said some horrible things to her the past year too. i'm afraid what to tell my dr. and what not to for fear of losing my dd but sometimes i think maybe having a mom whose bipolar is worse for my kids...this is just awful. not to mention i'm alone. i can't do this on my own. i have been beggin my mother to help me out and live w/ us cuz i just can't do this alone. my dd is hurting i can tell...and the guilt is just killing me. i don't believe in spanking. but i have spanked her because time outs, consequences don't seem to work. the spanking just makes her heart ache and she acts out/tests me more due to that. its a vicious cycle. i think she is going to grow up and hate me. she is now 6. this pains me. i love this girl yet i'm someone else when i'm angry. god i hope the dr. puts me on...something. i'm so scared this will hurt my son while nursing if i go on a mood stabilizer. so scared of not going on mood stabilizer. don't want to hurt ds in the long run w/ any med...yet don't want to hurt my dd anymore not being on them. please help. i need advice by my appt tomorrow. what are the ratings on depakote, lamictal...etc. and what if depakote makes me even FATTER. i remember it giving me cankles back in like '98. i don't remember it helping me. i took it briefly...
sigh. i'm freaking out. i need mood stability. stupid docs.:STUPID!!!!!! you can see that most have NO CLUE how to treat rapid cyclers/moody women. here take some lexapro. makes me apathetic. here, you are fine...go off and chase those dreams...yeah, you are ok...pfff. yeah right. don't they know anything. don't they know us mamas are terrified of losing our kids if we disclose it all. don't they know anything about BPD and how we feel better sitting in therapy and feel better about ourselves while in there?! crazy docs...they don't seem to know much. all i know is at this point i'm willing to go on a mood stabilizer but i don't want it to harm my son. i've read things about lexapro being bad for pregnancy and nursing babies but i've been on that w/ my dd and with my ds and there is no problems i can see. they are actually happy beautiful healthy babies!

sorry.rambling. just so upset and i'm at my wits end. seems there is a lack of help for moms like me...single, jobless (now), lacking help w/ the kids...not willing to be w/out my son while i work... i am just pretty much f*cked as it seems/feels. my last job allowed me to be w/ my ds/dd. now i feel so limited and pissed off about that fact. i don't even know if i will get unemployment. i'm sick and don't feel like checking my mail. uh oh my son is pulling out babywipes from the baby wipe thing. yikes! ah gotta love it though...

another thing i must add is that since my ds was born, i have become quite apathetic towards my dd whom i ADORE...disassociative/detachment disorder??? emotional numbing...its so weird. its just awful. well i must go for now. i look forward to hear from some of you soon.
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#83 of 572 Old 11-30-2008, 05:39 PM
 
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Oh honey.

Yes, Depakote is pretty safe while breastfeeding, yes, it will probably make you gain weight (I went from 200-250 up to 350 while on it, then dropped back down to 275 after getting off, and seem to have stabilized there), and yes, it sounds like you need SOMETHING even if it's not ideal. And yes, doctors are notoriously bad at dealing with women with mental/emotional disorders, especially if they're not white and rich and married and in every way advantaged. Please keep trying to get help; you deserve it, and your kids need it.
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#84 of 572 Old 11-30-2008, 05:47 PM
 
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Oh!
Take a deep breath......
You are seeing a regular MD tomorrow? I think you need a referral to a psychiatrist asap. And see the previous post in this thread. PP has the Dr. Hale (bible for breastfeeding women needing meds).
I am sorry you are going through this. You can get better and you will but you need to get the right kind of help and fast. Hook up with the PP and or check this. Maybe Lamictal, Depakote or something else but get a script and a psych referral tomorrow. Ok?


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really??? DEPAKOTE is safe while nursing? is it safer than lamictal? god i need help. i spanked my dd last night and i swear i feel like a rageful monster...like someone else. when really...normally (what is normal anyway) i would not even think to hurt her that way. i've said some horrible things to her the past year too. i'm afraid what to tell my dr. and what not to for fear of losing my dd but sometimes i think maybe having a mom whose bipolar is worse for my kids...this is just awful. not to mention i'm alone. i can't do this on my own. i have been beggin my mother to help me out and live w/ us cuz i just can't do this alone. my dd is hurting i can tell...and the guilt is just killing me. i don't believe in spanking. but i have spanked her because time outs, consequences don't seem to work. the spanking just makes her heart ache and she acts out/tests me more due to that. its a vicious cycle. i think she is going to grow up and hate me. she is now 6. this pains me. i love this girl yet i'm someone else when i'm angry. god i hope the dr. puts me on...something. i'm so scared this will hurt my son while nursing if i go on a mood stabilizer. so scared of not going on mood stabilizer. don't want to hurt ds in the long run w/ any med...yet don't want to hurt my dd anymore not being on them. please help. i need advice by my appt tomorrow. what are the ratings on depakote, lamictal...etc. and what if depakote makes me even FATTER. i remember it giving me cankles back in like '98. i don't remember it helping me. i took it briefly...
sigh. i'm freaking out. i need mood stability. stupid docs.:STUPID!!!!!! you can see that most have NO CLUE how to treat rapid cyclers/moody women. here take some lexapro. makes me apathetic. here, you are fine...go off and chase those dreams...yeah, you are ok...pfff. yeah right. don't they know anything. don't they know us mamas are terrified of losing our kids if we disclose it all. don't they know anything about BPD and how we feel better sitting in therapy and feel better about ourselves while in there?! crazy docs...they don't seem to know much. all i know is at this point i'm willing to go on a mood stabilizer but i don't want it to harm my son. i've read things about lexapro being bad for pregnancy and nursing babies but i've been on that w/ my dd and with my ds and there is no problems i can see. they are actually happy beautiful healthy babies!

sorry.rambling. just so upset and i'm at my wits end. seems there is a lack of help for moms like me...single, jobless (now), lacking help w/ the kids...not willing to be w/out my son while i work... i am just pretty much f*cked as it seems/feels. my last job allowed me to be w/ my ds/dd. now i feel so limited and pissed off about that fact. i don't even know if i will get unemployment. i'm sick and don't feel like checking my mail. uh oh my son is pulling out babywipes from the baby wipe thing. yikes! ah gotta love it though...

another thing i must add is that since my ds was born, i have become quite apathetic towards my dd whom i ADORE...disassociative/detachment disorder??? emotional numbing...its so weird. its just awful. well i must go for now. i look forward to hear from some of you soon.
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#85 of 572 Old 11-30-2008, 10:57 PM
 
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I have always had racing thoughts, I just didn't know it. I thought is was normal.


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I have spent my family into over 100,000 dollars of debt.
I haven't added it up, but I've spent us to the brink of financial ruin, too. It's better now - not fixed but better. I have to deal with the guilt from that, but I'm just getting to it.

It's us: DH , DS ; DD ; and me . Also there's the . And the 3 . I . Oh, and .
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#86 of 572 Old 11-30-2008, 11:01 PM
 
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And yes, doctors are notoriously bad at dealing with women with mental/emotional disorders, especially if they're not white and rich and married and in every way advantaged.
This makes me sad because I know it's so true. I'm the "in every way advantaged" woman. I'm white, college-educated, and married to a husband with an excellent job. We look like a picture-perfect life, and I see that I'm treated differently than other patients at offices & the psych hospital where I was. And I know how sh!tty the "good" treatment made me feel; I can't imagine being mistreated because of my race or sexual orientation or marital status, too.

It's us: DH , DS ; DD ; and me . Also there's the . And the 3 . I . Oh, and .
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#87 of 572 Old 12-01-2008, 02:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I think I am manic right now (either that or just finctioning better due to not having internet at my house for the last 5 days)

I have my first therepy on tues and pill apt on thurs.

I have to stay the course!

(I always get manic and think "Oh, I am ok now!")
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#88 of 572 Old 12-01-2008, 02:12 AM
 
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Oooo, I know that feeling. Maybe fortunately for me, though, I mostly got the manic-but-knew-I-was-about-to-crash feeling. Not nearly so fun.

I try to remember that it's not about how "good" or "bad" my mood is at any given moment, but how stable I am over time. Stability is the name of the game.
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#89 of 572 Old 12-01-2008, 02:14 AM
 
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Stability rocks!!(may be tad boring, but soooo better than the alternative)

~Autumn~   Mama to whistling.gif (2001) and hearts.gif(2005) partners.gif madly in love since '99 
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#90 of 572 Old 12-01-2008, 08:32 AM
 
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I am fairly sure I am bipolar. I don't have an official diagnosis (I was diagnose as cycolthymic when I was 15 or 16) but it seems to fit. I am seeing a doctor on wednesday as I think I need treatment and I am terrified.
I hate the thought that I am bipolar because that would mean that all those times in between depressions when I loved everything about my life, was full of energy and just bursting with happiness weren't real. That I can't take an antidepressant and feel like that all the time. But another part of my brain is telling me that I don't always make the best decisions then, that I don't think things through. And I remember those times when my mind has been going so fast I can't breathe. Those were not fun.
Please tell me that medication can help. That it is worth it. The idea of being on medication scares me and when I am not in a depression I talk my self out of it - that I don't really need it. But I think my kids need me to take it. I get so angry sometimes. I just snap and freak out at them over nothing. I don't want them to be afraid of that. But I am also scared that the medication won't do anything. That I still won't be able to cope, to hold down a job, finish a course etc.
Would I be better weaning my ds2 if I go on medication? He is 20 months and only feeding once or twice a day so it wouldn't be a huge trauma. I would like to continue feeding him as I know I'd feel guilty for not feeding him as long as his sister (who was bf until she was 3.5).
This is turning into a total novel so I'll shut up now. But is it worth it?

Ruth, mum to B (9), P (8) and T (5)

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