I don't even know where to begin here..
Im depressed, anxious, get suicidal thoughts sometimes..
In the last year Ive been seeing a therapist, found out my dh has relapsed with drugs a few times(not the first i knew of this), really started dealing with issues of incest and other sexual abuse from my childhood for the first time in my life, my little brother died tragically a few months ago(shot & killed by the police, he'd been living with us at the time), a few months before he died he told me he was sexually abused when we were kids also, same time I was.. oh my gosh it just feels like my life's been CRAZY!!
Ive been seeing this psych. since dec. of last year, first he told me I showed signs of bipolar tendencies, but said something along the lines of..I wasn't depressed, just frustrated, I wasn't anxious, just irritable, or something like that
Ive read enough to know that's not true, and I show all the signs of suffering from PTSD.
So, a month or so ago, I went to see the psych., he wanted to give me some other med, an anti-psychotic(to help me sleep, he said) also, Id begun cutting again recently and he knew that.. I asked about it's safety with breastfeeding, and he totally went off on me about how I WAS bipolar, shouldn't be breastfeeding at all while being bipolar and taking meds(even though he's known since day 1 that I was nursing..) He's always told me I shouldn't be on an anti-depressant because of my family history of what he considered to be bipolar-like behavior, and that he thought anti-depressants would cause me to hurt myself more.. So my session ended w/ him saying he felt I should find a new doc if I wasn't willing to wean my baby.
I got a referral to a nurse practitioner thru my therapists office, saw her, she completely disagreed, said she thougth I was depressed, should be on an anti-depressant, but it's the policy of whomever's license she works under to NOT prescribe anti-depressants for nursing moms cause they all say(in whatever they're checking) in black and white...contraindicated for breastfeeding....
Im just so overwhelmed right now. I haven't cut in a week. Last friday my therapist called the police to my house to "check on" me, cause I had cut the night before and when I talked to him that day I was drinking(alone)and Id told him i wouldn't do that anymore.. They asked me a few questions, felt I wasn't a threat to myself and left.. And ever since Ive been feeling like I should have told them to take me for the eval. But Im afraid to leave my kids w/ my dh( so many issues here right now with us, and w/ his family) I don't want to leave my baby overnight without me for the first time.. Plus it seems like everyone is asking am I wanting to KILL myself, as in do I have intent, a plan, etc, and when i say no(cause I feel I could NEVER truly kill myself, for my kids alone; I just feel sometimes like I don't want to be here anymore, ya know??) Then its like it's not enough for the eval., which maybe it's not, but I just KNOW that I need something more!!
This is probably more a vent or something than anything, Im just feeling like I really don't know where to turn.. I KNOW there are nursing-safe anti-depressants out there.. Im on medicaid, finding a doc near me is hard enough, and now Im afraid that I'll end up with another one like the one I just stopped seeing.. I really like the NP, but she can't prescribe anything while Im nursing!! On top of everyting, I have to decide what to do about the meds Im on, Ive called the old docs office asking if he'll extend the scrip til Im done nursing or how to wean off of them..
Thanks to anyone who actually read all of this..... Any words of advice/encouragement/been there done that, ANYTHING will be appreciated!!!!