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Posessive

2K views 32 replies 24 participants last post by  beautifulboy 
#1 ·
I have a nearly 4 month old boy. Family came to visit when he was three weeks old. It was the most painful thing to me when someone else held my baby. I kept getting guilted into it since they are family. I felt like my heart was stolen from me. I've gotten some what better in time with my dad and step mom who are local, but MIL is in town for a week now and I feel the same thing all over again. I'm the mother hen protecting him. She asks every 10 min to hold him. ( I let her once today but she has asked 3-4 times since and it's only 1pm) It drives me nuts! Can't she just be happy to see him with me and not have to hold him to feel fulfilled? When I try to convey her needs to him (he's sleepy, hungry, tired, curious) she acts like she doesn't believe me, like I'm making it up to get away from her. "Maybe he wants grandma". She keeps saying he looks like DH (most people say he looks like me) which makes me think she feels she somehow has her baby boy again.

Does anyone else feel like this? Am I being a royal B for not wanting to share him. Am I reading too much into this? I want him to have a relationship with her as he grows up but I feel at this point since she doesn't live close, he won't even remember her. It's not like I'm keeping her from him, I just want my baby in my arms. I read him best that way and feel connected to how he feels.
 
#2 ·
Your son won't remember being held by his grandmother at 4 months, but his grandmother sure will. I can understand being possessive of your child. But, on the other hand, this is your husband's mother who hasn't seen her grandchild since he was 3 weeks old and only has a week's visit. There's nothing wrong with asking/demanding him back when he's hungry, tired, overstimulated, etc. But there's also nothing wrong with her holding him and bonding when he's not any of the above.

Perhaps there's more to your relationship with your MIL that makes this situation more complicated? For me, we live 2,000+ miles from both sets of grandparents so when they make the trip out to visit I make sure they get plenty of baby time.

And yes, I hear the, "I think she just wants grandma/grandpa." comments, too. Or how DD looks exactly like DH did as a baby from his parents and exactly like I did as a baby from my parents. I can see how that might be annoying, but I think it's just typical grandparent chatter.
 
#3 ·
I'm sure her being the MIL I have less close personal connection to her as I do with my family. I've never hated her at all and have no other complicated feels for her in specific. I've always gotten along with her. I've been with my husband since 2000.

My family is just more relaxed, lets things flow and waits for me to offer him, not demands. I think maybe it's the demanding that puts me off so much. Seriously, demanding! She was the most pushy during x-mas too where as FIL was relaxed. It's like a rerun of x-mas though my husband asked her to tone it down today. I apreciate her excitement and love but I truly feel she isn't putting him and my interests first. (with basic needs, etc.) He already took his nap 2 hrs late since she is here and he's getting overstimulated.
 
#4 ·
Ah, the feelings of a mother! As time goes by, I realize that so much of the "sharing" of a baby is really complicated. When DD was born, I didn't think twice about leaving her in the arms of our good friends who were here to visit. I mean, my arms missed her weight after awhile, but I didn't feel that anxious *need* to get her back. However, with my SIL, who was just here, I really had to restrain myself. I literally wanted to grab dd, and perhaps do some damage to SIL so she could no longer hold the babe. Seriously. Mentally, I know that SIL is a caring, kind person, but my gut just screamed against her having my child in her arms.
In SIL's case though, I really don't respect her as a parent to her own children. Part of this is very valid, but I do need to tone it down as I have never seen her interacting with her children in their own home (always on vacation or at MIL's house, etc). It's weird though, hey?
Are you at ease letting other people hold your son? If you're out for coffee with friends, does it bother you to have your kiddo in their arms? Do you ever pass him around at social functions? If your feelings of "possessiveness" are limited to your MIL, maybe you should just give yourself a break. Give her a bit of time, but don't make yourself excessively uncomfortable. I think, maybe there's a reason we feel the way we do about our children. Maybe there are other ways you can make MIL feel like she has a special connection with her grand-baby (special books for them to read together, etc)? It's all a balancing game, hey?
 
#6 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by selkat View Post
Are you at ease letting other people hold your son?
I let my midwife hold him the whole time she was over with no need to take him back asap. My dad I'm ok with too. I feel a little more cautious with my step mom as well. Maybe it is just certain people I am not close with? I think something in me makes me weary of them.
 
#7 ·
This is his grandmother. She loves him too. I think as parents we have to remember that other people are going to love our children. Some day she will be gone and you might kick yourself for missing out on these moments. Take it from someone who lost their own mother in the last year (and she was only 52!). Believe me, my MIL is bat house crazy (not in a sociopath way
) but I would never keep her grandchildren from her. You need to take a deep breath and relax. Hey, let grandma dote on junior and you might get a nice shower!
 
#8 ·
This makes me


If you have no good reason to keep your MIL away from them, let her enjoy her Grandchildren.

I would be so upset if I had a DIL who didn't let me interact with my Grandchildren, especially during the tiny baby phase. They are only this small for so long, and I can imagine having a grandbaby brings back all those wonderful memories and maternal feelings.... awwwww. It would probably make her so happy to have some snuggle time with the baby. I would let her, even if it makes you uncomfortable.

Of course, if you have a reason not to let her (like she has proven herself untrustworthy in any way), then she looses the privilege and it's just tough cookies for her. Please, though, if this is the case please make it known to her.

I guess my point is, as a Grandmother, how would YOU prefer to be treated?
 
#9 ·
I feel possessiveness at times, like when someone else is holding DD and she starts to fuss or cry and they don't give her right back. But, aside from that I think it's super healthy for other people to hold her. She likes people and I wouldn't want to give her any reason to fear people in general. I think it's a positive experience for her to feel the touch of others. I love holding my baby but I know that her grandparents love holding her too and I would never take that away from them (until she fusses).
 
#10 ·
Do you feel anxious when your husband has the baby?

I think it is a natural instinct to a certain degree to always want to have your child in your arms, but you should really allow your children to be near others, co-dependency is not healthy. One week in the arms of another will not be harmful.
 
#11 ·
I felt like that for a bit, but it got worse when MIL called DS her son, versus grandson.

Looking back (3 yrs later), I realize that it might have been because DS was so new to me, and I felt a responsibility to be there at all times, and also I was just getting used to my new babe. I was exhausted, and trying to take on my new role, and enjoying our son.

I am a little more irrational when I am sleepy... but that may not have been it. It still bugs me when she calls him her son, but I take comfort in knowing that she lives over 200 miles away, and can only do the weird 'son' calling for a weekend. DH has also informed her that it bugs me, to no avail.

But, to the OP, its not strange that you feel that way... I have tried taking a nap when MIL visits and wants to hold DS... or I visit MDC... and type with 2 hands, since I am not typing with the baby, lol. As silly as it sounds, it really helped. MIL really thought I was strange for always being on the comp though...
 
#13 ·
Sit back and think.... Someday YOU will be the MIL. Look at that precious little person and know one day they will choose to also creat a life and Im sure you will want to share in the joy. Ok I have 4 and I still do alot of the holding but would never think of not sharing. New mommy-ing is hard. But its nice to sit back have a cup of tea and watch your little one wiggling on someones lap who loved you or your dh/dp.
 
#14 ·
I really do understand how you feel. My ex MIL grates on my every nerve.

But know this - you are the one and only irreplaceable mommy. No matter who holds him, no matter who loves him, they will never, ever compare to you. MIL or auntie, or nanny, or neighbor can hold him and hug him and love him -and he may enjoy that and it will all be good for him - but at the end of the day there is only one Mommy.

My children have wonderful relationships with their extended family and as they get older I am very grateful for those relationships.
 
#15 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by cjmz View Post
Do you feel anxious when your husband has the baby?

I think it is a natural instinct to a certain degree to always want to have your child in your arms, but you should really allow your children to be near others, co-dependency is not healthy. One week in the arms of another will not be harmful.
Not at all. I trust my husband and he knows his son. MIL on the other hand will not let go if he's hungry, wet, etc. I feel she is being selfish. She also won't let him play,she will take him away from things he is curious about to make him stare at her.
 
#17 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by JBaxter View Post
Sit back and think.... Someday YOU will be the MIL. Look at that precious little person and know one day they will choose to also creat a life and Im sure you will want to share in the joy. Ok I have 4 and I still do alot of the holding but would never think of not sharing. New mommy-ing is hard. But its nice to sit back have a cup of tea and watch your little one wiggling on someones lap who loved you or your dh/dp.
Actually, I'd sit back and respect what the mother wants and go by her ques. By no means am I hiding him from her. She is around 24-7 and there is no avoiding it. It's just the asking to hold him every ten min. then not giving him up when he has a need. She looks at me like I'm lying but I know what my son needs. Isn't that the whole basis of attachment parenting? I need to be in close contact with him to know what he wants.
 
#18 ·
Well I for one don't think you're being unreasonable. I completely understand your feelings, especially being that your MIL won't allow you to tend to his basic needs. My MIL was the same way with my 9 mo DD (who was extremely high needs and going through a serious separation anxiety stage) when we went to visit for the first time. It's not that I didn't want her to be able to hold her or bond with her because I did -- the problem came in that wherever we went she wanted to hold her CONSTANTLY, regardless of the fact that it really freaked out my sensitive and scared daughter and would make her scream bloody murder for "mommy." Instead of respecting my daughter's need for her mommy and my instinct to nurture and soothe my daughter, she would rush away with her and try to actually keep her away from me.


I know she just wanted to "be grandma" but that sort of behavior was really upsetting to me and traumatizing to my daughter. I'd like to think that when I become a grandma I will have have enough respect and understanding that I will let my daughter or daughter-in-law be the one to set the rules as far as what she's comfortable with and not push her or my grandchild into situations that cause them anxiety. At that point I'm not mommy anymore, I don't need to be holding the baby constantly. My role would be support of the new mom and helping her cope. If that means holding the LO, great! But if that means just sitting by and encouraging her to bond and love on her child, helping out around the house, and overall just making life easier for her, that's great too!
 
#19 ·
I don't think you're being unreasonable either if your MIL is not allowing you to attend to your son's needs. That in my book earns her spectator status. Which is sad, but if she's not willing to trust that you know you son and his needs and facilitate your response, then the needs of your son outweigh her need to hold him.

I would not be comfortable with my MIL acting that way, but for some reason she's the opposite. She's come to visit twice for an hour tops and spent the whole time talking about and doing something else that didn't involve her granddaughter. For some reason
Adelh makes it known she's not comfortable with this strange lady.

My parents are very nurturing and Adelh recognizes who they are even though they live a 7 hour drive away b/c they've come to visit so often. Yet even with them she gets over stimulated or just needs some "mommy time". It's hard to say, Um, I just want to hold her right now, but sometimes it needs to be said. I try and say, I think she needs her Momma right now. Or I'll take her in another room to nurse and have a chill out moment. My parents are even totally understanding and it's still hard!

I agree with you that the essence of attachment parenting is responding to your son's cues and needs. I'm not into confrontation, but I'll do it when necessary. I might just explain that she doesn't allow you to respond to him and therefore you don't feel comfortable with her holding him. She might "get it" or she might not, but at least if she doesn't you know you've explained your perspective and if she doesn't care you know you're doing the right thing by not letting her hold him.
 
#20 ·
Thank you two last posters. That is really what I'm getting at. Just in the last two feedings she has said "oh really, he needs to eat already?". I've even been trying to instruct her in what that babys feeding signals are so she doesn't think I'm making it up. The first two days I was a little to gracious with her holding him and he didnt eat as frequently as he usually does. I got to pay for it with 5 night wakings though! These are things she doesn't understand.

In some ways I embrase the challenge to step up for my son. It pretty much reinforces that I do know him as well as I think. (as in, yes, he is sleepy/hungry as I just mentioned and doesn't need you in his face trying to over stimulate him at all times of the day) It makes me a more confidant mamma.

I really appreciate grandma wants the babys attention but she cant expect it at the level she wants yet. If she isn't trying to hold him she is dancing the jig to try to get his attention. He has so many years still to bond and play with her. Her just being here is enough right now.
 
#21 ·
I remember feeling that way when my first baby was small. It was an awful feeling, especially because I knew I didn't have a "good reason" to be feeling that way, and I was acting rude towards people I love, who I knew only had good intentions. But that mama bear/territorial feeling was strong, and it was really hard to suppress.

It dissipated by the time my son was 18-24 months, and I haven't felt it with my daughter -- it's been such a relief this time to just enjoy watching her spend special moments with extended family without feeling like they were somehow taking something away from me.
 
#22 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by littlebabydoll View Post
Actually, I'd sit back and respect what the mother wants and go by her ques. By no means am I hiding him from her. She is around 24-7 and there is no avoiding it. It's just the asking to hold him every ten min. then not giving him up when he has a need. She looks at me like I'm lying but I know what my son needs. Isn't that the whole basis of attachment parenting? I need to be in close contact with him to know what he wants.
One thing that I later regretted when my DS was a little baby was letting certain people hold him because I felt I 'should' even though I didn't want to. It was only a couple of occasions, no harm came to him and I quickly took him back but I wish now that I had just said no. Most of the time I didn't let people hold him unless I was completely comfortable with it, and thought he was too. I would suggest you go with your instincts regardless of who they are and any so-called reasons that you 'should' hand your baby over.
 
#23 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by littlebabydoll View Post
I really appreciate grandma wants the babys attention but she cant expect it at the level she wants yet. If she isn't trying to hold him she is dancing the jig to try to get his attention. He has so many years still to bond and play with her. Her just being here is enough right now.
Emphasis mine.

I appreciate what you are feeling, but keep in mind you have no way of knowing how many years she has.

Your MIL is focused on the baby, of course she wants his attention, of course she wants to hold him as much as possible she rarely sees him. Actually my sister is just like this. Constantly trying to entertain my sons, the result, they find her entertaining and really LOVE being around her because she is so silly (always dancing and singing silly songs etc).

I think you are projecting some. "He needs to eat already?" could just as easily mean "Oh, I wish I could cuddle him just a little longer. I love him so much!"

As far as not letting you have him when he is hungry - that is non-negotiable, for that I suggest being direct and honest. Tell her that it really upsets you when she does that and it makes you feel more protective of him because she is not allowing you to tend to him.

I'd cut her a lot of slack because you only have to deal with her a couple of times a year.
 
#26 ·
I don't agree with statements that the grandparents have rights and it's important to make them happy. It's important to make YOU happy, especially as a new mom. I've been dealing with this a lot, in fact it's part of why I was almost kicked out of my house. If I don't want MIL to hold him, I'll make an excuse, and since she lives here it's very hard. Once a week I would take DS in the shower, tell DH to come get him, and then go from the bathroom to my room and cry because I knew MIL would be holding him. She still asked 10 times a day, and if he was hungry she'd laugh when he started rooting and say ' I don't have any of that' but not give him back. One day he was crying and hungry and she was trying to soothe him, I started getting ready to feed him as DH held out his arms and she said 'oh I don't mind a crying baby'. I said 'Well I do' and took him.
I decided that if FIL and my mom and dad don't get to hold DS more than once a month, MIL doesn't get special privilege. She still gets to hold him every week or so, but she knows now not to ask and not to push.

As far as her not being around that much longer - she's only like 4 years older than my mom, who has a 2 year old. Furthermore, my grandmother is plenty old but I would not let her old DS unless I wanted her to.

MIL does the attention-grabbing thing too, constantly making clicking sounds so he'll look at her. He tolerates her the least though, he actually likes my brother best other than DH and I. The more laid back the person, the more DS likes them.
 
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