What do you do/don't do with your 2nd, but did with your 1st? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 01-22-2004, 02:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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This thought came to mind today. Thought it would be interesting to compare notes.

DON'TS:

I don't use a breastfeeding pillow.

I don't have a change pad (use the bed, floor, etc.).

I don't have a diaper genie.

I don't use a swing.

I don't get up to nurse, I stay in bed and fall back to sleep.

I don't refer to "what to expect the 1st year" obsessively.

I don't drop everything to pick the baby up when it starts to fuss.

I don't worry about noise in the house.

DO's:

I have the baby on a regular schedule, such as bed at 9:00.

I am more confident and relaxed with my baby.

I'm not as tired this time around b/c I sleep with the baby.

I leave the baby with hubby more this young (5 mo).


Hmmmm...will have to think of more...but the baby is crying.

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#2 of 12 Old 01-22-2004, 10:17 AM
 
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We have a lot of the same answers -- I love your thread. While I do a lot fo things the same (slinging all the time, bf on demand, cosleeping), we've changed some of the rules.

I introdiced a "lovey" early on (musical giraffe) and we use that as the first line of defense when she wakes, and nursing as the second -- with my first, I WAS the lovey

With my first, we didn't realize the importance of schedule until it was lamost too late. I am such a free spirit I tired to raise a free spirit. DIdn't realize that babies like predictable routines and she can be a free spirit later in life: So with this baby, we run our evenings (and much of the day) on a specific timetable of events. She is a much better sleeper.

We don't go gallavanting around town so much this time. Maybe it's cuz there's two of em and we can't

I also leave this baby with hubby and friends more (more = once a week which is pretty funny, but still...) I didn't leave my first with my dh until she was 11 months old, and after that -- well, we still haven't left her with anyone but family or my best girlfriend. This baby has already spent an evening with a random girlfriend and a few afternoons with my mother/sister. Plus every Friday night, the kids stay wioth dh and I go to the movies.

We let her fuss herself to sleep. With my first, we were in holding her and nursing her every time she winced in her sleep. This baby is allowed to whine, fuss and yell herself to sleep. I understand her cries -- if she is genuinely upset, we get her immediately, but her noises have meaning. With my first, every whimper was interpreted as "screaming".

Thanks for asking, DOmestic Goddess -- this really made me think!
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#3 of 12 Old 01-22-2004, 05:05 PM
 
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There is really only two major things I've done differently with my
second.

I get to be at home with her and
I get to AP and BF

I didn't know enough about being an AP mom with my ds and I feel he missed out. I am using it now, but it is a little different when he's 7!

I didn't eat well enough to really feed him well while BF'ing though I did try. I was too young and wish I had known about this magazine then!
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#4 of 12 Old 01-22-2004, 05:31 PM
 
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Things I do differently.

Actually my first baby was so easy for the most part She slept and ate on a self imposed schedule and her surronding for doing such things were of no consequence to her. My second was a nightmare. Not so much high needs just high strung :LOL she didn't sleep. period. by the time she 4 months she would sleep 6 maybe 8 hours a day. It was awful. She was misreable. Babies need more sleep than that. It just wasn't a healthy place but I truely believed that if she was tired she would sleep. I have done lots of research on sleep and know differently now. I relized some things with her that I wish I could have had the foresight to do differently and was determined to change with this baby. I can't get over how hard I was making it on myself with the other two.

*We have a routien to our day. babies like routiens but won't nessecarily put themselves into one. I am not talking about military structure here but a predictable flow. I too thought I could raise a free spirit and that that is how you made your child flexable :LOL

*Naps and bedtime come at regularly scheduled time (more or less) I know longer believe that all children will sleep when they are tired. Some children need to be put to bed and encouraged to sleep. And it is a gift to teach them how to enjoy sleeping. It makes me very sad to think about how overtired my Lilyka was and how little I did to help her. She could have gotten more sleep and had a happier infancy if I had know how to help her get to sleep. She was just grumpy all the time unbtil she was about 2 and I started learning all this sleep stuff. She started going to bed at 8:00 like it or not and we had a whole bedtime routien and within a week she was taking regular naps during the day (somehting she hadn't done even since birth) and sleeping 12-14 hours at night. She was a different child. I was amazed by my new sweet, happy caring child. I cryed for what I had lost those first two years by not properly addressing her needs.

*I don't shove a boob in her mouth everytime she whimpers. I never thought this was a good idea but I had been told that nursing cures everything so I did it. We are still reaping the fall out from that.

*She doesn't get attended to every time she whimpers (I too have become better at interpreting her a baby's cries and I now know the difference between whining complaining, fear, pain, panic) It doesn't hurt them to delay gratification a little when the need/desire/preference (which by the way I am also better at distinguishing ) isn't urgent.

* we start as we mean to continue for most things accepting htere will be a weaning periods on the things we let slide

* I give her an oppritunity to put herself to sleep even if she whines a little about going to bed. I was surprised at how quickly her protests ended and she was off to sleep. Fussing for a few minutes is a far cry from cry it out and sleeps better and longer since I began doing this (she had a break in the middle where she outgrew her bassinet and was none too thrilled about it.

*I no longer think that telling my child NO will in any way damage them.

*I was feeling the boppy love!

*I started leaving her with others early and often so that she could get to know them and feel comfortable with them while she was still open to knew things. My MIL commented on much more she enjoys spending time with Ava than she did with Madeline because Madeline always cried. By the time we finally let her hang with other people she was about a year old and the situation was so new and foriegn.

* I wasn't anal about introducing food. She ate when and what she wanted to and what the resat of the family was eating.

* I am no longer child centered. We are family centered. How somehting effects the family as a whole has more bearing than just how it effects the baby.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#5 of 12 Old 01-23-2004, 12:37 AM
 
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similarities:

don't use a breastfeeding pillow.

don't use a changing pad

i don't have a diaper genie.

I don't use a swing.

I don't get up to nurse, i stay in bed and we both fall back to sleep

i don't worry about noise in the house.

I dont do a "schedule"



differences:

i dont have to carry a pump with me everywhere to feed this baby

I am more confident and relaxed with my baby.

i stopped leaking at about 7 mos with this one vs about 15 mos from ds.

dont have a crazy, massive oversupply of milk like last time.

l, <>< wife to my sweetie, proud mama to 3 cubs, 2 who clw & 1 that i i ep for . baby was evicted early by induction due to severe pre-e/hellp syndrome
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#6 of 12 Old 01-24-2004, 12:07 AM
 
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I still use the swing, changing table and breastfeeding pillows. I don't use a pacifier. DD1 used it for a few months. DD2 sucks her thumb a lot. I'm actually using the co-sleeper this time around. I also don't leak or have the same overabundant supply. And I don't use diaper covers part of the time, or even diapers some of the time.

I also feel like I can understand her better than DD1 who cried a lot more.
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#7 of 12 Old 01-24-2004, 12:37 PM
 
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Things I do differently this time around include:

1. Feel confident leaving him with a babysitter who is not my mother - he's such an easy going baby and he loves this older woman who babysits him (I still don't feel comfortable leaving him willy nilly with any babysitter - just expanded to include this woman and my mom now!)

2. Don't have a heart attack every time he cries - I still respond promptly but not with angst!

3. Don't spend tons of time on the floor playing with him (I would like to improve this- not a good change!)

4. Don't change the sheets every other day of our family bed - now I have dust mite covers on the mattress, boxsprings and pillows so feel more comfortable washing the sheets once a week.

5. Let other people hold him - because he seems to enjoy it - unlike his older brother!

6. Don't read the What to Expect Book or really any other book unless he's ill - am confident that he's okay development-wise.

7. Didn't even bother setting up the crib - he's never even seen one!

8. DH and I try to go out every Sunday evening for a few of hours without the kids.
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#8 of 12 Old 01-24-2004, 01:48 PM
 
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I thought of dsomehting else. I don't feel like I have to be her entertainment. With my first I was always playing with her, in her face, bringing her toys, initiating games etc. . . Now if she wants to play she will come to me. She ismuch better about finding what she likes and is less dependant on me to constantly be her happiness. it doesn't sound like a good thing when I type it out but it is. She is much happier because of it.

Also I use an changing table with this one and didn't with my last ones. Its great! So much easier having everything within reach.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#9 of 12 Old 01-24-2004, 06:16 PM
 
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Do:

Co-sleep at night (and so love it!)

Lots more babywearing (4+ hours a day)

Have more confidence in our ability to parent according to Roark's needs

Remain ultimately flexible and realize that what worked for Adia might not work for Roark.

Smile a lot more...I'm generally a much more relaxed new momma this time around.


Don't:

Obsess about bathing - twice a week is fine for now

Carry him around in the bucket car seat

Count diapers or log nursing sessions

Vaccinate on time - space them out

Worry so much about breaking him

Hop up the second Roark wimpers, have to fulfill Adia's needs 1st sometimes

Let others judge how we parent
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#10 of 12 Old 01-25-2004, 06:00 PM
 
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A lot is different this time around, because last time I worked p/t starting at 8w pp. Dd stayed with my mom while I worked. Some of the things I do now, I do to make up for not being able to do them before or I don't do certain things because I had to last time. I don't know if that makes sense or not!

DO (did last time, doing again):

we co-sleep. I've never been sleepless like many moms I know IRL because I just roll over to nurse and go back to sleep.

we did use the Boppy again, until our second one fell apart. now he's bigger so we don't need it anymore.

DO (didn't last time, but wish I had):

a loose routine. when dd was a baby, I worked p/t and some days I worked 8:30am-1:00pm other days I worked 4-8pm so we did not have a regular naptime or bedtime. now, we have a loose schedule, ds takes a late morning nap (somewhere b/t 11-noon) and a late afternoon nap (3-4ish) and goes to bed somewhere b/t 8:30-10pm. we don't have a schedule persay.

DON'T (did last time, but don't now):

vaccinate. dd was fully vax. ds isn't vax at all. (I'm a woman of extremes! LOL)

pump/give bottles. dd never had formula, but she did get bottles of ebm while I was at work. ds has never had a bottle.

baby cereal and foods. we've given ds tastes of some pureed fruits, but we're not pushing baby foods/cereals. he isn't crazy about mashed potatoes etc. he likes organic cheerios, so he eats those, but otherwise we're trying to hold off for more table foods.

leave my baby. I had to leave dd while at work and hated it. I have only left ds for quick trips to the store, for example if he was sleeping or playing with dd and dh.

bathe daily or every other day. now that it's chilly, we just bathe every few days or when they seem sticky/dirty. I have for them to get chilled.

use a pacifier. dd used one sometimes, but started spitting it out before 6 months. with ds, I always comfort him myself by rocking or nursing or dh rocks him.

use the car seat carrier. the thing almost pulls my arm off, bangs on my leg and ds didn't want to be in it anyway. he outgrow it lengthwise long ago, and it's impossible for someone of my height (er, lack thereof) to carry an 18lb baby in it.
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#11 of 12 Old 01-26-2004, 01:13 AM
 
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Doing the same:

co-sleeping, breastfeeding, cloth-diapering, not using random babysitters, expressed breastmilk in a bottle (no formula), cotton clothing, occasionally used Tushies

Did last time, but not this time:

Able to keep her with me 90% of the time until about a year old, used a sling, left the bucket in the car, did not worry about her rolling off the bed, homebirthed, did not feed her jarred baby food, responded to all cries right away (until about 9 months), offered breast as first resort, was very child centered, did not believe in saying no

Didn't do last time, but am doing this time:

Went back to work when she was two months (she stays with my mom), occasionally goes to MDO that dd1 went to, hates the sling, we use the bucket more, or the Baby Bjorn, she was an emergency C-section, eats Earth's Best and Tender Harvest, mostly for my mother's sake, has to be left to cry occasionally, I wait at night to see if she will go back to sleep on her own, she responds very nicely to being told no, although I do continue to use alternative like "not for your mouth", or "not for Ellie", I am much more confident in imposing discipline where our nursing relationship is concerned (no gymnastics while my nipple is in your mouth, no giving Mama bruises with your toenails) whereas last time I suffered a lot of angst as well as "abuse" in order to preserve the sanctity of nursing

ETA-I also worry less about bathing this time around, though am still obsessive about laundry and clothing. I am beginning to see the need for establishing a routine this time around.

SMC to Sophia, age 15, and Eleanor, age 9, and mother hen to too many nursing students to count!

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#12 of 12 Old 01-27-2004, 05:13 PM
 
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Do this time:
Co sleep all the time. This time we didn't even bother getting a crib. Last time the crib lasted for 4 months.

Am able to tell what her cries mean. DD1 is a "spirited" child and all her cries sounded similar - like the world was ending.

Use a sling. Wish I'd known about them with DD1. Then I just had to carry her everywhere in my arms!

Let her see the TV. I was obsessive about DD1 not ever watching TV as a baby. Like it made any difference! She still fell in love with Clifford and Bob the Builder just the same!



Don't this time:
Leave her with as many babysitters. Heck, we can't afford to go out anymore!

Read all the baby advice books.

Use cloth diapers. Just wasn't up to it this time.

Didn't set up a diaper changing area. We just use the floor.

Don't have a huge supply of breastmilk in the freezer.



Same this time: Needed a breastfeeding pillow, and general APing.
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