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#31 of 46 Old 01-05-2010, 01:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by emma00 View Post
What I understood her to be saying was that IN church she had put a lot of effort into getting her baby ready to be 'good' by making sure she was changed; fed etc and that she felt that her efforts / work that went into preparing her baby as well as focussing her attention on the baby during the service to keep the baby happy were being written off by the various observers who credited it all to a "good baby", without taking into account what she had done to ensure that her baby cooperated during the service.
Except I did the same thing to try and get dd to "behave" in church from infancy and she was still a fussy little girl. It really DOES have all to do with the personality. With ds, we didn't have to do anything. He was just a happy baby anywhere we went, including church.

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#32 of 46 Old 01-05-2010, 02:43 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley View Post
I got that all the time as well - what they meant was 'Your baby pleased me because they are quiet and not crying or fussing'. and it still makes me chuckle when people ask 'Is your baby good?'...What they really want to know is 'Have they comformed yet to mainstream standards such as sleeping through the night yet?'...and they ask it at like...birth! lol I mean - what are you supposed to say? 'No, my baby is horribly bad...antichrist this one!' ...lmao!


it has surprised me how i get sort of defensive (inside... haven't bitten anyone's head off for a well-meaning compliment...yet) when someone says "she's so good!" or the grandmas say "good girl!" because she picked up a toy or stopped fussing... i don't want her to grow up thinking she's good only if she's quiet and obedient. there are so many better ways to praise a child. my dd is peaceful, happy, and determined... and i hope she grows to be an independent, free thinking, kind hearted, "good" person...
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#33 of 46 Old 01-05-2010, 04:47 PM
 
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I have four kids with all varying degrees of happiness and fussiness as babies - so I get that parenting doesn't create temperament.

What I don't really get is the sentiment is that the OP had nothing to do with the fact that her baby was "good" (such a dumb word) at church. That she has a baby who may be easier to keep content than many people on this thread doesn't negate that it still took effort on her part to keep her baby "good" during church. I think she was just looking for a little acknowledgement of that effort.
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#34 of 46 Old 01-05-2010, 04:55 PM
 
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Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
OP, you claim that the following actions on your part are responsible for your easy, sunny child:

- recognizing needs
- responding to needs
- feeding
- changing

Please tell me you aren't implying that those of us who followed the same program ("parented" in other words) yet whose babies were less placid than yours, were somehow responsible for the temperament of our children?
Sometimes I feel like being so AP has created the cranky temperment my toddler has. Then I remember it is a lot of luck and just his personality.
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#35 of 46 Old 01-05-2010, 05:57 PM
 
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Originally Posted by emma00 View Post
I have four kids with all varying degrees of happiness and fussiness as babies - so I get that parenting doesn't create temperament.

What I don't really get is the sentiment is that the OP had nothing to do with the fact that her baby was "good" (such a dumb word) at church. That she has a baby who may be easier to keep content than many people on this thread doesn't negate that it still took effort on her part to keep her baby "good" during church. I think she was just looking for a little acknowledgement of that effort.
Well you're right she does deserve acknowledgment for that. But the truth is, there are kids out there who if their parents worked twice as hard as the OP did it still would not work. so in that sense the child's temperament has a lot to do with how well s/he responds to all of mom's hard work.
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#36 of 46 Old 01-05-2010, 06:06 PM
 
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The problem is that inherent in the assumption that one baby is better behaved than other babies because he/she is parented well is an assumption that the others are not as well behaved because they are not parented as well. For older kids, the actions of the parents have more to do with it, although still not everything. But for babies I think it's really all or just about all temperament. Those babies who can't stay quiet could have great parents who tend to and respond to every need.
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#37 of 46 Old 01-05-2010, 06:10 PM
 
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I understand what you're saying.. People comment all the time about what a sweet, polite child my 6yo is. I either thank them or say something like, "good parenting makes good children".

I also agree what what a lot of the other posters have said.. Some babies are just happier or easier in spite your parenting approach. I have seen many attachment style parents have fussy babies and vis-versa.

Abra, Married to George, Mother to DS 12/03 & DD1 08/09 & DD2 12/11 + Someone New in May 2015! After years of planning, we are finally living our dream in South America!!
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#38 of 46 Old 01-05-2010, 06:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by LROM View Post
Just wanted to say though, don't assume not having her in daycare is such a huge component of her disposition.
I wasn't, it was really just detail as to why she was with me.

Anne, Christian mummy to Nathanael 05/28/03, Ada 06/10/05, Grace 05/24/09
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#39 of 46 Old 01-05-2010, 06:24 PM
 
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I parent all my kids the same way, and they all have various temperaments and levels of "good" behaviour.

So no I don't think it is just your parenting.

Oh nd I know just as many "good" day care babies as sahm babies. Not a factor at all.
ITA. Sorry, but while meeting her needs is great and probably does keep her happy and more content, it has nothing to do with her temperament. I have known babies with parents who meet their every need one step ahead of the baby that scream constantly for no reason, and babies who were nearly neglected who were calm and smiley every minute. Some of their parents work, some stay at home, etc...

Needs being satisfied does not change a person's personality. If someone did exactly as you do and their baby was always fussy, would you assume they were doing something wrong?

Also, in response to another poster, a 6 year old's manners DO have to do with good parenting. An infant's personality does not.

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#40 of 46 Old 01-05-2010, 06:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Congratulations on having an easy baby. Not all of us are as lucky!
That was exactly my complaint. I don't have an easy baby, she's not a difficult baby either, just somewhere in the middle of the road!

I've had an easy baby, so I know what it's like, I'd have not had to work anywhere near so hard to get the same result with that one in this kind of situation. I was working hard, physically, mentally and emotionally to make the situation work and I continue to have to do that at home, with a bit of tolerance for essentials, like going to the loo!

My easy baby would have taken a long afternoon nap, which I'd have put her down for awake, this one doesn't sleep for longer than 20mins in the day and even then it's usually on me or right next to me.

The tones of voices combined with the words seemed to say to me "aren't you lucky", which though there is a huge element of luck in her personality, I think I find her the hardest of my babies, but at the same time, also the most rewarding.

Anne, Christian mummy to Nathanael 05/28/03, Ada 06/10/05, Grace 05/24/09
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#41 of 46 Old 01-05-2010, 06:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Drummer's Wife View Post
not to be a downer, but my easy babies have turned into very challenging toddlers.
That's been my experience too, so whilst I am finding this one demanding at the back of my mind I'm rejoicing she's not like DD1!

Anne, Christian mummy to Nathanael 05/28/03, Ada 06/10/05, Grace 05/24/09
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#42 of 46 Old 01-05-2010, 06:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by emma00 View Post
After reading all the replies - I went back and re-read the OP first post and I don't really think she is saying that by

"- recognizing needs
- responding to needs
- feeding
- changing"

she is globally responsible for her baby's disposition. Or that by being a SAHM she is responsible for her baby's disposition.

What I understood her to be saying was that IN church she had put a lot of effort into getting her baby ready to be 'good' by making sure she was changed; fed etc and that she felt that her efforts / work that went into preparing her baby as well as focussing her attention on the baby during the service to keep the baby happy were being written off by the various observers who credited it all to a "good baby", without taking into account what she had done to ensure that her baby cooperated during the service.

When the OP said: "I think it's more a case of having her needs recognised and responded to, though she does have a sunny personality."

I understood her to mean that her baby wasn't 'good' in church just because she is so sunny and happy, but also because OP put some work into it. Obviously her baby's personality and disposition come into play, but I'm guessing if she had ignored her baby's needs during the service her baby wouldn't have appeared so 'good.'

OP - enjoy your lovely baby and try to take others comments as they are likely intended: a pretty common way for people to try and connect with / compliment someone with a baby.
Thank you for summing it up so well, I was beginning to feel rather got at!

I never said I had an easy baby, at least not this time around. With my first I couldn't have kept him in church at this age, regardless of what I did. With my 2nd I could have done so with minimal work, literally feeding on demand and changing as necessary, she was so unbelieveable easy that I wouldn't have even needed to provide a toy, to the extent that she was in danger of getting under stimulated and not actually ever complaining about it.

Nor did I say she was like this because I'm a SAHM who doesn't use daycare, that was merely the explaination for her presence in church, I've chosen this winter to keep her out of daycare settings and I'm glad that with hard work I can keep her in church.

I'm not asking for praise for this, just acceptance that I'm not keeping her with me just because of how she is, it would have been an awful lot easier for me to have gone out, found a corner, got out the blanket and toys and played with her for an hour and not concentrated on the sermon. The words might have used good, but the general feeling seemed to express just luck, which wasn't very encouraging at that moment in time.

Anne, Christian mummy to Nathanael 05/28/03, Ada 06/10/05, Grace 05/24/09
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#43 of 46 Old 01-05-2010, 08:49 PM
 
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I get the "good baby" comments all the time with DS. And, I got the "wow, she is hard" all the time with my daughter. They are parented similarly - their dispositions are totally different. I guess I would say that DS is perhaps a bit "easier" than DD was but really they are not all that different when it comes to getting their needs met. They both let you know - he does it quietly while she was vocal about it.

The whole "good baby" thing is totally annoying to me...i get so sick of those comments. Of course he is good...aren't all babies inherently good? COME ON!!! I know what people mean but still, it's annoying. I really dislike the whole "easy baby, hard baby" comparison too. ugh.

When DD was small, I used to say, "no, she really isn't all that hard. the hardest thing for me is dealing with the negative impact of other people's preceptions of her temperment." - and that was quite true!
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#44 of 46 Old 01-09-2010, 02:07 AM
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While I think that recognizing and responding to their needs is important to a baby's emotional development; I think it's a huge -HUGE- misnomer that if you just do everything right your baby will be "easy." Further, it almost insinuates that everyone with a challenging child did something wrong. You should also be aware that an easy baby can turn into a very challenging toddler.

I have three children. My first was a very high needs baby, extremely challenging toddler, and has settled into being a fairly "easy" 5 year old, but she's still pretty high-maintenance. My second was a super easy baby and toddler, very laid back personality. My third baby is the highest needs of them all. They're all different. They come with their own personalities. Not every aspect of which is dictated by your parenting.

Oh, and I responded to all the needs of my first child, and she was a monster in church. So I don't think that has anything to do with it. HTH.
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#45 of 46 Old 01-09-2010, 07:06 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mariekitt24 View Post
I know how you feel! I get that all the time. I might make some people mad by admitting this but I really do believe the difference between my happy baby and someone elses not so happy baby is at least in part parenting. I have this forum to thank for my knowledge though.. without mothering.com My husband and I would have very different approaches to parenting, and I know my baby would not be as well off. I know it goes against social correctness to admit, but I really do feel like if other mothers knew what I knew, their babies would be happier too. Just to be totally honest.
Wow. Try not to judge so quickly. There are a lot of mothers here who "know what you know" and whose babies are still high needs. Sometimes it's due to the baby's personality. Sometimes the baby has medical conditions that make him or her fussy. All parents can do is their best.
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#46 of 46 Old 01-10-2010, 08:51 PM
 
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I know how you feel! I get that all the time. I might make some people mad by admitting this but I really do believe the difference between my happy baby and someone elses not so happy baby is at least in part parenting. I have this forum to thank for my knowledge though.. without mothering.com My husband and I would have very different approaches to parenting, and I know my baby would not be as well off. I know it goes against social correctness to admit, but I really do feel like if other mothers knew what I knew, their babies would be happier too. Just to be totally honest.
Re the bold: I couldn't disagree more. I've had two babies whom I've parented in very much the same way and if you'd met me before my second was 8 months old, you'd probably have found him a very unhappy baby a good portion of the time. Painful acid reflux and laryngomylasia (sp?) will do that to a body but they're not conditions that are evident from a child's outward appearance. Sometimes it has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with parenting.

Mama to Thing 1 and Thing 2.
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