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#1 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 03:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I've been losing track of how many times this has been said to be recently, today was particularly densely filled with such comments.

I think it's more a case of having her needs recognised and responded to, though she does have a sunny personality.

DD is 7.5mths, my choice at the moment is not to have her in any kind of daycare, I'm a SAHM, so that means not using facilities at the gym or at church, which means I don't go to the gym and she stays with me in service at church.

I get the feeling that people were suggesting I was lucky to have such a good baby that I was able to keep in church with me. Which to some extent I am, her personality does help, but I worked very hard too, she was fed and changed, when she wanted to "talk", this is the one hour of the week when that isn't allowed and I'm working on indicating this and redirecting her, when she wants to play with my pen, I distract her, when she wants to eat my bible, I give her another book to eat, when we're all done, I think I need a nap as much as she does!

I don't need recognition that I'm meeting my baby's needs, that's my job, but I'd prefer people to be aware that I'm not neutral in this, after all, they noticed she in church, but didn't disturb anyone, but perhaps I was under an invisibility cloak!

Anne, Christian mummy to Nathanael 05/28/03, Ada 06/10/05, Grace 05/24/09
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#2 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 01:03 PM
 
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I think it's wonderful that you have a great, sunny disposition baby, and as has been discussed in many threads here it's probably a combo of your hard, attentive work... and serious luck!

Just wanted to say though, don't assume not having her in daycare is such a huge component of her disposition. My DD is in daycare - wish she didn't have to be but I don't have a choice about staying home right now. She's been in daycare since she was 6 months, and I get exactly teh same comments you do ALL. THE. TIME.

I appreciate it, and it makes me very happy, but I always tell people it's hopefully a combo of our parenting style, her personality, and sheer luck/blessings. But being in daycare has actually made her even more social, talkative, lots of things, so don't assume daycare hampers that bubbly sunny personality. Bad daycare probably does, but good daycare may even enhance it for some babes.
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#3 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 01:49 PM
 
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I get the 'good baby' comments as well. DD is very smiley and I think people appreciate that a baby is responding to them. In a world where people are praised all the time with "good job!" it is not surprising that they use 'good baby', they don't have the vocabulary at the tip of their tongue to describe their appreciation that a baby is content, well taken care of, and not disruptive to them. I find that people who are not interested in babies are the most likely to make this remark, after all a child should speak when spoken to

We create our own reality.
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#4 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 02:13 PM
 
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My little brother kept making these comments when he met my DD over the holidays. He said multiple times that I should write a book. And while I appreciated that he recognized that I worked hard to give my daughter every chance to be happy-in-the-moment, I spent several days reminding him that when a baby has all of his/her needs met he/she is likely to be a pretty pleasant little creature. Babies are not, by nature, as angry and vindictive as we had been led to believe.

Congrats on keeping your little one with you during the service for so long. My DD LOVES to 'sing' along during church but doesn't seem to notice when everyone else stops. Luckily, we go to a small service in a small church and everyone pretty much thinks babies (and their noises) are the best. Still, I'm not sure I'll still be entertaining her by 7.5 months.

Sarah. Married to my Mirus, raising my DD1 (Aug. '09) and my DD2 (March '11) and waiting for my newest (April '14)!
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#5 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 02:20 PM
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I get a lot of the same kinds of comments, and I just try to take them as compliments for us as a mommy/baby pair. After all, she is doing really well. I like to think of my parenting style as empowering her. There are some people who think that it is 100% her disposition, but every once in a while, I'll hear from somebody who did some work in Africa where all the women wore their babies and nursed them every time they wanted to and how happy all the babies were and how more people should parent like me. Then there are some people who have seen me in church on bad days when I've left the service multiple times with a screeching baby.
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#6 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 03:41 PM
 
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I parent all my kids the same way, and they all have various temperaments and levels of "good" behaviour.

So no I don't think it is just your parenting.

Oh nd I know just as many "good" day care babies as sahm babies. Not a factor at all.

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#7 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 03:42 PM
 
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Originally Posted by annekh23 View Post
I think it's more a case of having her needs recognised and responded to, though she does have a sunny personality.
Sorry, but it has more to do with your babies personality.

I responded 100% to my dd's needs and she was still fussy around other people. She never was away from me for more than a couple hours until she started pre-school right before she turned 5. She's just harder to soothe when upset or when she's around new people. And that's okay.

My second child didn't get as much attention as my first and sometimes had to wait long periods of time for mommy (depending on what was going on with dd, who was 2 when he was born.) He was a much happier baby in general than dd and still is.

Congratulations on having an easy baby. Not all of us are as lucky!

Mama of three.
 
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#8 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 04:15 PM
 
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Really? I had the total opposite experience. Well other than my first was a really easy baby. I knew that from day one, I was freaking lucky. Come to think of it I had an easy pregnancy with that one too...hmm. In any case no matter where we went from the time he was a week old until today (he's going to be 6 next week) people are always commenting on how I'm doing such a great job as a mother and it shows because he's such a joy to be around. Secure in himself, polite, compassionate, he was a great church baby and now that he has some his teachers all adore him. I get really annoyed at people giving me all the credit for that. I understand that they are just trying to give me a compliment on my son, but really it gets tiresome to have who he naturally is as a person dismissed. He's his own person, I've never considered him to be anything other than his own autonomous self. And I really like the person he is. For me to take any credit for that I feel would be taking something away from him.
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#9 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 04:15 PM
 
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Sorry, but it has more to do with your babies personality.


Congratulations on having an easy baby. Not all of us are as lucky!
Sorry, but there is a BIG difference between having an easy baby and a happy baby. Not all easy babies are happy, and not all happy babies are easy.

OP, your work absolutely gives your daughter every opportunity to show off her sunny personality and without it, she (even with the same personality) would seem very fussy. My DD is one of the most difficult babies I've ever been around, but she's also one of the happiest. I've seen her around people who don't work as hard as I do and she very quickly sours.

Not everyone who has a happy baby got to that point out of luck. Not by a long shot.

Sarah. Married to my Mirus, raising my DD1 (Aug. '09) and my DD2 (March '11) and waiting for my newest (April '14)!
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#10 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 04:55 PM
 
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I parent all my kids the same way, and they all have various temperaments and levels of "good" behaviour.

So no I don't think it is just your parenting.

Oh nd I know just as many "good" day care babies as sahm babies. Not a factor at all.




My child has always been happy and he goes to daycare. And all babies are fed and changed yet they certainly have varying temperments. It's nice that people are complimenting your baby. Be happy about that!
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#11 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 05:05 PM
 
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Sorry, but there is a BIG difference between having an easy baby and a happy baby. Not all easy babies are happy, and not all happy babies are easy.

OP, your work absolutely gives your daughter every opportunity to show off her sunny personality and without it, she (even with the same personality) would seem very fussy. My DD is one of the most difficult babies I've ever been around, but she's also one of the happiest. I've seen her around people who don't work as hard as I do and she very quickly sours.

Not everyone who has a happy baby got to that point out of luck. Not by a long shot.
Do you only have one child? My easy baby WAS my happy baby. He was easy because he was so happy where ever he was or whatever was going on. My first was easy in the sense that if there was a boob in her mouth, she was happy. Any other time and she was grumpy. Get her near someone other than dh or my mom and she was crying. It's just how she was.

Mama of three.
 
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#12 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 05:20 PM
 
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I got that comment all the time with DD, my 1st baby. She was a "good" and super easy going baby, definitely. My next 3 were similarly calm and happy, but not in the same exact way as DD was. I think I have just gotten lucky, and agree it doesn't have so much to do with parenting approach (I was more AP in some ways with my subsequent children, TBH), but more so personality and situational. I say I was lucky, b/c, for example my LO's never have been hard to get back to sleep at night (even though the last two took years to sleep through the night, they were easy to nurse back to sleep), and I can honestly say I have no idea when any of them were teething except when I saw a tooth poke through - so I can't relate to those who have an awful time due to teething.

Anyway, I'm rambling - but mostly wanted to say all babies are different, even if they are raised in the same exact environment (wait, is that even possible? additional kids changes the environment alone). It can be a combo of factors like being prepared, in-tune to your baby, lots of help/support BUT the biggest thing is def individual baby's personality and/or any special needs they may have (ie allergies, sensory issues, etc.,).

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#13 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 05:29 PM
 
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Sounds like it is more an issue of you wanting a pat on the back for your parenting. Personally I am thrilled whenever anyone makes a kind comment about my child (even if it may be one that I perceive as a tad bit ignorant, IE a baby that sleeps a lot is a "good baby" or whatever). Most people are simply trying to be kind. That never bothers me.

I have two kids who have different personalities and I am the same mother to each of them. I don't take either personality as being indicative of how awesome I am as a Mother ~ More as awesome opportunities to learn to be an even better mother as I get the opportunity to parent children with different personalities/needs what have you. I feel lucky to have happy babies, and don't waste a lot of time looking for pats on the back for my parenting, I personally feel that joyful, attached, well adjusted children are praise enough. That is the point of it all, to me, anyway. FWIW I stay home with my children as well, and love to leave them in the nursery or our fantastic childcare program at our gym. They have not been sullied by these experiences, and actually I feel that they are the better for them as they learn to be "Happy babies" with other people, not just me. I also have several friends who do have children in daycare who have some of the most pleasant, "happy" delightful little babes ever, for the record.

Anyway, artgoddess said what I wanted to say really well, that is EXACTLY how I feel about my children and has also been my experience with comments from strangers or friends re: my parenting. I DO feel lucky.
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#14 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 05:42 PM
 
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not to be a downer, but my easy babies have turned into very challenging toddlers.

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#15 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 05:47 PM
 
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Both my babies have been "good" babies, but my DD turned into a holy terror toddler, her disposition is sweet, but she's very ornery at times. One thing I noticed between my son and her was the differences in the womb, she constantly was on the move, my DS is mellow and a very easy baby. He was major mellow in the womb.

I think much of it is personality-not necessarily being a SAHM.

Me Wife to T (14 years)Mama to Princess(4) and Monster Boy(my 1 year old ):
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#16 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 05:48 PM
 
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not to be a downer, but my easy babies have turned into very challenging toddlers.
That's so true with my DD, she is a total PITA and such a joy too. Easy baby. My son is easy as long as he's held-I wonder what kind of toddler he'll be.

Me Wife to T (14 years)Mama to Princess(4) and Monster Boy(my 1 year old ):
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#17 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 05:50 PM
 
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I could have wrote this post with my first too, OP. Then I had my second! His needs were always met, I am a SAHM, I don't go to church or the gym, so yeah I can count on 1 hand the times I have had to leave either boy and yet...he was a terror. He's finally starting to mellow out but he did nothing but yell and glare at people for the first 1.5 years of his life. He's only 20 months old so, we're finally starting to enjoy his new found happiness.

I'm glad you have such a sweet baby and that you enjoy taking care of her so much. That's awesome!!
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#18 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 06:19 PM
 
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not to be a downer, but my easy babies have turned into very challenging toddlers.
Maybe the OP will get lucky and hers will stay easy and happy. Mine did.
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#19 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 07:33 PM
 
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I don't think it is fair to assume/suggest that just because someone may have a baby with a difficult personality, that that means the baby's needs weren't/aren't met. Every child has a mind of their own, with a personality of their own. Some are more willfull, stubborn, and independent than others. Some are easily obedient, others are harder to 'train'.

Now, my baby is a difficult one. I can't imagine the toddler years if he remains this difficult and strong willed! Lol. However, he has his moments where he is just such a ham, and when he gets nice little comments of approval ("what a good baby!" etc), I tend to just be proud of HIM for who HE is. I don't try to take that compliment and turn it around on me.
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#20 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 07:51 PM
 
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OP, you claim that the following actions on your part are responsible for your easy, sunny child:

- recognizing needs
- responding to needs
- feeding
- changing

Please tell me you aren't implying that those of us who followed the same program ("parented" in other words) yet whose babies were less placid than yours, were somehow responsible for the temperament of our children?
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#21 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 08:11 PM
 
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OP, you claim that the following actions on your part are responsible for your easy, sunny child:

- recognizing needs
- responding to needs
- feeding
- changing

Please tell me you aren't implying that those of us who followed the same program ("parented" in other words) yet whose babies were less placid than yours, were somehow responsible for the temperament of our children?

Thank you for this ds was born screaming and didn't stop at 8 he is still far more challenging than both other kids combined. I'd did everything "right" and he was still that way. I'd hate to think I made him that way.

DD2 is a very "easy" baby and is so far a pretty mellow toddler, if I were to take credit for that I'd also have to blame myself for how ds was.

Mom to ds 9 dd 7 : and dd 3/08 : if I can I go to
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#22 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 08:26 PM
 
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2 babies, 2 different temperaments and personalities, though they are parented the same (well, you know what I mean, their various needs attended to in the way they prefer)

I often get "What a happy baby" and "What a good baby" about the baby because she loves to be out and loves to see new people. She is engaged by new faces and smiles a lot.

I didn't get that as much with DD1 even though she also loves to be out - DD1 was a more serious baby than DD2 and more cautious.

It has nothing to do with me (though of course both prefer me to just about anyone else at all times and want me near, and both prefer/red to be held or carried by me than anyone else), whether I'm a SAHM or they are in daycare or not ( how did that even factor in at all? Why does it ALWAYS have to be brought up?) and much more to do with their temperaments.

Strangers and acquaintances commenting on their "behavior" is nice, but at the infant stage, it's not behavior, it's baby's temperament and the parent's damage control (and the parents level of comfort with whatever disruption baby may be making).
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#23 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 08:26 PM
 
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Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
OP, you claim that the following actions on your part are responsible for your easy, sunny child:

- recognizing needs
- responding to needs
- feeding
- changing

Please tell me you aren't implying that those of us who followed the same program ("parented" in other words) yet whose babies were less placid than yours, were somehow responsible for the temperament of our children?
Thank you -- you put into (gentle) words exactly what I was thinking when I read the first post.

I fully believe it's LUCK when you have an easy baby, and nothing to do with parenting.

Cristina
CPST and mom to Toby 6/06 and Caleb 8/09
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#24 of 46 Old 01-04-2010, 10:16 PM
 
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I think there is no such thing as an "easy" or "good" baby. All babies are challenging in their own ways, just like all babies have their "easy" times, too. It IS a LOT of work to meet each and every baby's needs - whether or not it is readily seen by the rest of the world.

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#25 of 46 Old 01-05-2010, 12:09 AM
 
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My boss said he and his wife thought they were perfect parents until their second baby came along. He said they would look at other parents with more difficult kiddos and felt they knew all the answers and then God sent them their second daughter. Both are now amazing kids and great big sisters to their little brother.

Our son was always a happy baby and loved to go out but he was high needs and colicky. He needed so much more of us. Our daughter is as happy but soooo laid back. As much as I wish to take credit for it I know their personalities are ingrained.

Having said that I also know that if we weren't AP parents our sons high needs would turn into anxiety issues for him. The style does allow him to move into independence at his own comfortable pace.
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#26 of 46 Old 01-05-2010, 12:53 AM
 
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After reading all the replies - I went back and re-read the OP first post and I don't really think she is saying that by

"- recognizing needs
- responding to needs
- feeding
- changing"

she is globally responsible for her baby's disposition. Or that by being a SAHM she is responsible for her baby's disposition.

What I understood her to be saying was that IN church she had put a lot of effort into getting her baby ready to be 'good' by making sure she was changed; fed etc and that she felt that her efforts / work that went into preparing her baby as well as focussing her attention on the baby during the service to keep the baby happy were being written off by the various observers who credited it all to a "good baby", without taking into account what she had done to ensure that her baby cooperated during the service.

When the OP said: "I think it's more a case of having her needs recognised and responded to, though she does have a sunny personality."

I understood her to mean that her baby wasn't 'good' in church just because she is so sunny and happy, but also because OP put some work into it. Obviously her baby's personality and disposition come into play, but I'm guessing if she had ignored her baby's needs during the service her baby wouldn't have appeared so 'good.'

OP - enjoy your lovely baby and try to take others comments as they are likely intended: a pretty common way for people to try and connect with / compliment someone with a baby.
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#27 of 46 Old 01-05-2010, 06:53 AM
 
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I got that all the time as well - what they meant was 'Your baby pleased me because they are quiet and not crying or fussing'. and it still makes me chuckle when people ask 'Is your baby good?'...What they really want to know is 'Have they comformed yet to mainstream standards such as sleeping through the night yet?'...and they ask it at like...birth! lol I mean - what are you supposed to say? 'No, my baby is horribly bad...antichrist this one!' ...lmao!

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#28 of 46 Old 01-05-2010, 06:58 AM
 
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I agree with emma as well - I don't see the OPs post as claiming that she has such a 'good' baby because she is doing everything she feels is right. In fact, I hate conclusions like that - because inadvertantly you could be saying that how we parent our children doesn't matter. Yes, all children are different and they all have different personalities and temperment. But how we parent then does matter or make a difference at all. So many of us strive to be the parents we are here. We educate ourselves, we read books, articles, mothering magazine, follow our instincts, etc. If she, for example, never breastfed, went back to work when he was only 2 months old, left him to CIO, spanked, etc...same child, same temperment...that child probably would come across as a very differnt baby (perhaps a very unhappy one - in a way that people didn't refer to him as 'good'). This isn't saying that if you have a fussy child or a child that cries or doesn't come across as 'good' to the mainstream public that you have done something 'wrong'. Such conclusions as many made here are falacies - A=B doesnt necessarily mean that B=A.
My son is the way he is because of the way I parent. I have many close friends and some do have 'fussy' babies who cry a lot. But I can tell you, it would probably be 'worse' if they didn't parent in an 'AP' style (recognising, responding to needs, all that good stuff). I'd take a crying baby getting his needs met as best as his mother could any day, over a quite baby who was that way out of neglect.

Mummy me : > Thats Ann! and my beautiful SONS Duncanand Hamish 19/09/05 & 22/04/10!
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#29 of 46 Old 01-05-2010, 08:30 AM
 
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I know how you feel! I get that all the time. I might make some people mad by admitting this but I really do believe the difference between my happy baby and someone elses not so happy baby is at least in part parenting. I have this forum to thank for my knowledge though.. without mothering.com My husband and I would have very different approaches to parenting, and I know my baby would not be as well off. I know it goes against social correctness to admit, but I really do feel like if other mothers knew what I knew, their babies would be happier too. Just to be totally honest.
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#30 of 46 Old 01-05-2010, 10:34 AM
 
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I have done the exact same things with both of my kids, and one was happy and sweet natured and well behaved, and the other was the complete opposite. On the "nurture vs nature" thing, I'm in the nature camp. It's great you have a sweet natured baby, but don't assume those with difficult babies aren't doing "all the right things" too.
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