Letting friends hold the baby? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 14 Old 02-16-2010, 08:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My LO is 3 months old. Up until about 2 weeks ago he cried if anyone other than me, his mama, held him. Then he started to be more comfy with dad holding him for longer than just a few minutes. I gave them space and time. Now the neighbor ladies always want to hold him and I let them out of social understanding. We start to go out more and meet friends - everyone wants to hold him and I let them (but not too long as I do not feel too comfortable). He started to smile at dad and others, and stopped smiling at me... only in privacy he does. Am I too clingy in my feelings? does he respond to that? or should I more often say no if someone wants to hold him. I find myself in situations "offering" him to oihers because I think that is expected although I never wanted to be influenced like that. My DH is very happy with him being held by others and become "social'. Might DS be too young for being "social"? Maybe DS is upset with me passing him to others? Any thoughts?
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#2 of 14 Old 02-16-2010, 09:46 PM
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we have a big community here with lots of gatherings and i always loved how the babies had these awesome social lives...being passed around from person to person around the party...they really get around and they seem to grow up to be really social awesome little kids. i just couldn't wait to have my own babe have the same experiences. so now when we go to a shindig i just pass her off and she gets to enjoy and be enjoyed.

i was also hoping it would help with any stranger anxiety that is so normal in babes. funny thing that seems to be happening is that when we're at our house and a visitor comes, she just melts and NEEEDS mom. but if we're out or have a party type situation going on at home she could care less. strange, these kids.

i think it's good for them to experience alot of people IF they are comfortable with it AND if you are. if you don;t want her passed off you could put her in a sling, people tend to keep away when they are obviously stuck to you.

Reluctant 'Sconie, chassid and mama to sweet toughie Ada Bluma 9/9/09 and loving pittie-mix ("Judge the deed, not the breed!")
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#3 of 14 Old 02-16-2010, 09:47 PM
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oh and p.s.
i really don;t think your 3mo could be upset with you. you are his WORLD!

Reluctant 'Sconie, chassid and mama to sweet toughie Ada Bluma 9/9/09 and loving pittie-mix ("Judge the deed, not the breed!")
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#4 of 14 Old 02-16-2010, 10:00 PM
 
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ours just turned 3 months as well and when I do hand her to others, which honestly is seldom - she's our first so I reserve the right to be selfish! - I let the person know that if she cries, she comes back to me immediately. In our family Mommy and Daddy do the comforting and that's just how it goes.

If I'm going somewhere where I'm not overly comfy with "pass the baby" - she stays in a sling. That really fends off people asking better than anything.
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#5 of 14 Old 02-16-2010, 10:48 PM
 
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I don't like to pass my babies around. On day 1 of my child development class, my favorite early childhood ed professor told us a story of when her son was born and her favorite professor visited. She asked if he wanted to hold the baby. He declined and told her not to pass her baby around, that it was important for babies to bond with their parents. I always think of that. I really don't know how long that should last, but I just do what feels right.

I took my dd's to a neighbor's house for a playdate for my 5 yo, and the mom wanted to hold my 4 mo., I could tell. I needed help at the moment anyhow because I needed to get myself out of the sling and my coat and take off my boots and all that good stuff, so I asked her to hold her for a minute. This turned into 15 minutes or so, and I found myself "on guard" the whole time and so relieved to get her back. I like this woman a lot, but I don't let go very easily.

When we get to my parents' house, the first thing I do is hand her to my mom. That's different. My mom will give her back as soon as she fusses. With dh's family, I hang on to her because there have been times with my older one where she cried and MIL won't give her back and MIL has "allergies" and often visits with us when her health is questionable, to say the least. If I see that MIL is actually healthy, I'll pass her around as much as she will tolerate, for short visits.

Once my older dd was old enough to walk/crawl and wanted to be on the floor more than held, I knew she could get back to me and was more ready to branch out, so I never minded her visiting with others then. Funny thing is that MIL used to act like she was going to be so shy and that I was doing her a disservice by taking her back as soon as she cried, and my older dd is such a social butterfly at family gatherings. Turns out that my hubby and his siblings used to hide behind MIL at family gatherings according to dh's family, so they can't believe how social my dd is. I just smile and giggle on the inside. I think that if you build that bond and that trust early on, they have an easier time separating later on.

Mom to: Honey (6/04) and Bunny (9/09)
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#6 of 14 Old 02-17-2010, 12:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for your replies, they really helped.
Especially this one lifted my spirits
Quote:
Originally Posted by tzs View Post
oh and p.s.
i really don;t think your 3mo could be upset with you. you are his WORLD!
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#7 of 14 Old 02-17-2010, 07:31 PM
 
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3 months is just a very social age. DS is also finally developing an appreciation for daddy and giving him a big smile when he sees daddy show up. He has started to pay more attention to his sister and has started tracking our cats, even. When we go out I put him in a mei tai and he is always watching other people, waiting for them to look at him so he can flirt with them. He loves when people notice him and talk to him!

My DD was the same way, once she got to this age she started to really enjoy other people, loved to do her baby flirting with them. She is still very social and can strike up a conversation with anyone, but also still very, very attached to mommy.

mkksmom, how old was the baby in that story? Because IMO, there is a big difference between a newborn and a 3- or 4-month old baby. A newborn does need to bond, for sure, but at 3 months they know for sure who their parents and regular people are.

Erin, mom to DD (1/06) and DS (10/09)
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#8 of 14 Old 02-17-2010, 08:34 PM
 
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I let friends hold the baby as long as she seems interested/happy. She decides, not me and Im always right there next to her. I think is good for both her and me. She's always with me and only sees other people rarely so I feel is important to let her trust others from her own comfort zone.
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#9 of 14 Old 02-17-2010, 08:41 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mi_LuBelle View Post
If I'm going somewhere where I'm not overly comfy with "pass the baby" - she stays in a sling. That really fends off people asking better than anything.
Yep. This has worked wonders with all 3 of my babes.

Happy mama to DD reading.gif  DS  drum.gif and DD coolshine.gif and married to an awesome DH jammin.gif.  homeschool.gif
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#10 of 14 Old 02-17-2010, 09:20 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraji View Post
I let friends hold the baby as long as she seems interested/happy. She decides, not me and Im always right there next to her. I think is good for both her and me. She's always with me and only sees other people rarely so I feel is important to let her trust others from her own comfort zone.


I have no problems letting other people hold my baby as long as she's happy.

Abra, Married to George, Mother to DS 12/03 & DD1 08/09 & DD2 12/11 + Someone New in May 2015! After years of planning, we are finally living our dream in South America!!
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#11 of 14 Old 02-17-2010, 09:40 PM
 
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DS is 7 months now, but I was always of the mind that he cannot have too many loving hands... as long as he was happy!

mama to DS 7/09 and DS 10/12 and married to DH
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#12 of 14 Old 02-18-2010, 11:13 AM
 
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I think it is fine for others to be holding her, but if you want your baby back, then get that baby back! He is your baby! Also, my baby always has lots of smiles for DH when he is around and not as many for me, I think because he is a change of pace. She smiles at me plenty when he isn't around and some when he is too. So definitely don't worry about that, you definitely are her center!

Katie trekkie.gif - Married to Mike 06/02/01, Mom to Sydney Anne born 11/21/09 and Alice Maeryn & Oliver Thomas born 04/24/13  hug.gif 

 

 

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#13 of 14 Old 02-18-2010, 11:13 AM
 
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I will pass my 3month old around at family gatherings; I really couldn't get away with not, especially as he is such a happy baby. I get him back though if he is not quickly soothed, or is tired, or needs to be fed; because among other people I am the only one can do all of those things. FWIW, my FIL is really great with him, soothing him and getting him to sleep, which surprised me, and my MIL has a harder time doing either one (partly I think, because she can't stop kissing his head which both irks me to pieces -because I would hate someone doing that to me - and bothers DS as how is he supposed to sleep or calm down if someone keeps kissing his head???)

The feeding thing, only I can do, thank goodness, and I don't ever bring a bottle of expressed milk unless I am going to leave him at my mom's or MIL's while DH and I go out. otherwise I wouldn't get to hold him at all!

It is hard to let go, I admit, but since I am a WOHM some days, I need him to be soothed and comforted by people other than me. I don't like it, but I take comfort - and some amount of guilty pride, I admit - that no one soothes him and makes him happier than his mama.

don't you just love that private little smile they have just for you? DS has just started this and it warms my heart!

Katrina - Mama to Gabriel  sleepytime.gif 11/20/2009 and Norah vbac.gif 10/11/2011- married to Wayne - geek.gif novaxnocirc.gifbfinfant.giffamilybed1.gifcd.gif&nbspand now new baby Theodore born 3/11/13 vbac.gif

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#14 of 14 Old 02-18-2010, 01:44 PM
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She may enjoy a bit of other people right now, and it could be different later. My 11 month old is in a very mommy-centric stage. She likes Daddy sometimes, but nobody else will do at all. This was a disappointment to her grandparents and great-grandparents on a trip last weekend because they couldn't really hold her. I leave it up to her how long to be held by someone other than me. At the first sign of upset, she's back in my arms, and I use my own Mommy judgement to decide when it's not a good idea to pass her around in the first place. I only pass her around when both she and I are completely comfortable with the situation. It takes practice to figure out polite ways to say "no," but you'll get more comfortable as time goes on.
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