Am I just being a nervous nelly? / Update - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 41 Old 07-27-2010, 11:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So my mom desperately wants to get her hands on DD! She just loves and adores her so much, and DD LOVES her right back. Recently my mom has been hinting that she wants to take her for a night. I have told her many times that she still nurses throughout the night and I don't think it is the right time etc.

Well, my mom decided that she would "treat" my DH and I to a night on the town and a hotel room for the night as our 5 year anniversary gift. She purposely chose a hotel that was close to her so if any issues arose we could swing by and rescue the babe.

Her motives are obvious to me, but we accepted the "gift" graciously and now that the date is approaching (Aug. 7th) I am more and more unsure. I know my LO and I know that she will be up at 2:30am to nurse, then again at 4:30. I am planning on pumping and she is very comfortable with my mom, but I am still nervous. I don't want to pass this feeling on to DD.

Am I just being overprotective? I honestly trust my mom with DD more then anyone else, except for DH of course, and she has spent decent amounts of time with her with absolutely no issues at all, but I still have a little pit in my stomach.

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#2 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 12:08 AM
 
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If you really feel like you're not ready for it-- and I don't blame you, I doubt I would be-- I would listen to your gut. It is a lovely present and very nice of her to do it, but the bottom line is that she did it knowing that you weren't ready for it, and that's frankly a little manipulative, in my opinion.

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#3 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 12:16 AM
 
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Is dc comfortable taking a bottle during the day? Will she fall asleep without nursing to sleep? Those would be the big things for me.

Before the first time my Mom took ds overnight I made sure she was prepared for a night of very little sleep. She knew we did NOT cio under any circumstances & she went into the night ready to not really sleep. The night went well.

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#4 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 12:19 AM
 
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You know, given that you trust your mom and your DD loves her, I would go for it. Just ask her to please call you if there's a problem.

But I bet your DD will take the bottle just fine. Or not, but you know kids can surprise you with how they adapt to situations.

As long as you trust her to call you and not power through, leaving your DD to cry, I would do it.

But be prepared for her to be super clingy when you come back.

V

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#5 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 12:22 AM
 
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Well, I see that your baby is nearly a year old... And the hotel is near where baby will be... And you say you trust your mom with her... I'd write up a pros and cons list if it were me. As a 3rd-timer, I'm inclined to say go for it, but at the same time you need to always trust and be allowed to trust your motherly instinct.

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#6 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 12:36 AM
 
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Originally Posted by aramat View Post
you need to always trust and be allowed to trust your motherly instinct.
This. I personally would be pretty upset if my mother tried to push me into leaving my baby overnight before I was ready-- although if we're being realistic here it would be my in-laws making that choice for me, not my parents. I don't want my mama instincts to be pushed aside because someone else decides it's time due to whatever arbitrary criteria they have.

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#7 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 01:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Is dc comfortable taking a bottle during the day? Will she fall asleep without nursing to sleep? Those would be the big things for me.

Before the first time my Mom took ds overnight I made sure she was prepared for a night of very little sleep. She knew we did NOT cio under any circumstances & she went into the night ready to not really sleep. The night went well.
She hasn't really taken a bottle since she was about 8 months or so? If I am away she will "eat" solids until I am back, I haven't been away from her for any real significant length of time, 5 hours has been the longest stretch. Even when she took a bottle, she has only really been offered a handful of times. She is now on to a cup, but I thought a bottle with breast milk would work best for this circumstance.
She does fall asleep without nursing with others, but if I'm there she of course would prefer to nurse. With MIL, my mom and DH she simply with play, grab her blanket and fall asleep, but I don't know what will happen in the middle of the night because I have always been there.
My mom is also very anti CIO and would never let her cry, so I have faith in that.
I am sure it will all be just fine, it is probably more that I am not ready!

Mama to Madelynn 8/16/2009 and awaiting buggy #2 March/2011 , partner to DH

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#8 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 01:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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If you really feel like you're not ready for it-- and I don't blame you, I doubt I would be-- I would listen to your gut. It is a lovely present and very nice of her to do it, but the bottom line is that she did it knowing that you weren't ready for it, and that's frankly a little manipulative, in my opinion.
I agree that it is pretty manipulative, but I know it is out of love for DD so I am choosing to overlook that.
The thing is, I do want her to be comfortable in different situations and my mom has gone over and beyond to learn about our parenting style and embrace it.
I think it is just difficult to figure out if it is DD's issues and needs I am stressing about or my own. KWIM?

Mama to Madelynn 8/16/2009 and awaiting buggy #2 March/2011 , partner to DH

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#9 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 01:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Violet2 View Post

But be prepared for her to be super clingy when you come back.

V
I am sure I will welcome that!!

Thanks for the advice!

Mama to Madelynn 8/16/2009 and awaiting buggy #2 March/2011 , partner to DH

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#10 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 01:36 AM
 
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I don't think you are being a nervous nelly at all. Each mom/baby combo is different and only you will know if you and your DD are both ready. I do know how it can be difficult to figure out the gut vs. head feelings and which one is the right one to follow.

My DS1 is almost 4 and he has yet to stay overnight with anyone other than us. When I had DS2, DS1 as a little over 3. I had to transfer to the hospital and that was the first night I was ever away from him. He has always needed a lot of nighttime parenting from me. My DD, however, was fine staying overnight w/my mom when she was 11 months old.
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#11 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 08:32 AM
 
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I'd just like to add that you never know. She may not wake up. I went black-friday shopping last year with friends and left a couple bottles w/ my mom and everyone understood that we might just have to run back so I could nurse ds (he was 4.5 months old? Somethin like that)... but he *NEVER* woke up - from 10:30 or 11 or whatever till 6:30 am when we picked him back up. He'd never done this previosly, and he's never done it since. but, that one time he did

So... I'd give it a try. You never know. You just never know.
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#12 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 08:51 AM
 
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I don't know when I will be ready to leave DS overnight; like your mom, my MIL is just itching to have him, he has had a nursery set up in her house since day one. and hasn't ever seen it, that i know of! LOL

I think, no matter what age you leave you baby overnight for the first time, there are going to be some jitters. Is she going to co-sleep with the baby, or room share? I think if babe is in their own space they may well sleep longer and may not wake to nurse - especially if they sense you are not there to meet that need. Good luck, and enjoy your night out! or try to -

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#13 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 10:00 AM
 
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Just my opinion- please dont get mad.

I would never leave a baby overnight anywhere with anyone unless I was in the hospital.
I feel that my dh and I have our whole lives for hotels and nights out and it will give us something to look forward to that will be fun.
I couldnt have fun or be ok with the thought that my infant or toddler could wake up and want me and me not be there because I was out on the town.
Its just not fair. How upsetting that would be.

We go on dates at home with glasses of wine and eat treats while the kids are in bed. It's fun and comfortable and we know that everyone is happy and no one loses out.
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#14 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 10:32 AM
 
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I think it is right to trust that pit in the stomach feeling.
you could say to your Mom something like:

"Thank you so much for your kind gift. DD loves you so much and loves spending time with you. I just don't feel ready to be apart from her for the night yet. when I am you are the person I trust the most and will be the first person I leave her with."
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#15 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 10:50 AM
 
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I don't think there's a right or wrong decision here, but I do think it needs to be YOUR decision and I agree with concerns PP raised about your mother's pushing you to do something before you're ready. And that she's set it up so you can't easily say no. She's apparently pretty confident you'll defer to her rather than insist on your own preferences for DD.

Whatever you do in this situation, it might make sense to tell your mother you don't want to continue to operate this way. Yes, yes she means well and loves you and DD. But you're an adult and a mother now. You don't need her to make decisions for you, no matter how well intentioned. She may want DD overnight--and you might not want to disappoint your mother--but DD is not her baby, she's yours.
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#16 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 10:59 AM
 
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Wow, your mom sounds great. I know she's chomping at the bit for her first over nighter but at least it's because she's so excited about being with her granddaughter. I also think her gift is so sweet--a nearby hotel. She thought of that! Plus, the whole anti-cio is impressive.
My baby is five months older than yours and I don't know if I'd leave her yet. I'm just not sure. But, wow, you are lucky to have such a kind mom.

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#17 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 12:23 PM
 
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If your Mom loved your DD, and DD loves her right back, and you trust your Mom to take good care of her... I'd say go for it! Wow! A hotel and dinner and a little R&R can only do a mother some good! I'm even a little jealous...

Worst case scenario, you have to drive to your Mom's to feed DD in the middle of the night. Best case scenario, you have a GREAT weekend and come back refreshed! Although your Mom may have ulterior motives, she appears to really love your DD, which is what matters mot.

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#18 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 12:34 PM
 
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I also have a DD that is 11mo that wakes up at least 2 times in the middle of the night..

Personally, I would not be able to leave my DD overnight at this age. I simply wouldn't be able to sleep knowing that my baby was probably crying and screaming because I wasn't there. I would take the offer for babysitting and go out on a long date, perhaps even stay over with my mom so that she could take morning duty as well..

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#19 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 12:44 PM
 
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If your Mom loved your DD, and DD loves her right back, and you trust your Mom to take good care of her... I'd say go for it! Wow! A hotel and dinner and a little R&R can only do a mother some good! I'm even a little jealous...

Worst case scenario, you have to drive to your Mom's to feed DD in the middle of the night. Best case scenario, you have a GREAT weekend and come back refreshed! Although your Mom may have ulterior motives, she appears to really love your DD, which is what matters mot.
Exactly! My first ON is next weekend and while I'm nervous about leaving, I know that my FIL is looking foward to spending time with my DS. He still wakes up once or twice at night and my FIL is totally prepared.
DH and I are in desparate need of some time away - reconnecting time. It's been too hectic around our house, our lives, that we need this time to well, reconnect. I'm looking forward to it.
So, please, enjoy your time with your DH. You deserve it.

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#20 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 01:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone for all of the replies. I am actually feeling a bit better about this today. I will only be about 10 minutes away and my mom has given me her word that she will call if DD needs me (I think I will have a talk with her before to outline exactly what that means). I think it will do DH and I some good and it will give DD a chance to spend some time with grandma; however, I have decided I am going to take a bit of Katie34's advice and give myself an out if this feeling doesn't go away by the day. My mom is pretty understanding and I know it will not hurt her feelings if I let her know how I am feeling. Maybe we can go to the concert and dinner, go back to the hotel for a while then pick up DD late, before her first feeding? I am going to give her a call.

mom2happy - Thanks for your input, and I would never get mad an opinion...I put it out there.
I too think I will probably have trouble relaxing and have fun because I will be thinking of the LO, but like many other people said, what if there are not any problems? I will never know until I try. Anyway, thank you again.

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#21 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 03:37 PM
 
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I think your feelings are totally normal and understandable. The first time I left ds for 2hrs alone with dh, I cried once I was out the door. He was fine of course. The first day with 3hrs at daycare, I was a mess. And now I will have to leave him for 2 weeks with dh because of a work related trip. I am so nervous, I've pumped, practiced with dh to get him to sleep. I know he will miss me, I know he will cry, but I also know, that dh can comfort him, that the two of them will have fun - they plan to go camping and hiking for at least one of the weekends.

Although my and your heart aches, I know this is a great opportunity to bond for our children!

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#22 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 03:45 PM
 
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Glad you are feeling better about it. I think as long as you can trust your mom to call if you are needed, I would totally go for it if it were me anyway, and yeah definitely outline times she should call you so you don't have to worry.

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#23 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 08:21 PM
 
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Your gut instinct is usually correct, so if it's telling you that you or your baby is not ready then I would wait.
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#24 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 08:23 PM
 
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if we're being realistic here it would be my in-laws making that choice for me, not my parents. .

yup.

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#25 of 41 Old 07-28-2010, 09:46 PM
 
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maybe it's a *bit* manipulative, but i also think that sometimes a little push isn't a bad thing. of course you should feel nervous about leaving your baby for the first time. and you shouldn't feel bad about deciding that you're actually not ready for it yet and putting it off. but i think that your mom is actually being very sensitive towards your needs by providing everything you need to have a good, positive first night away, and is just offering you the opportunity to take a first step.

i hope you come to a decision that makes you feel good. i think if you go, you will have a really good time. maybe you can arrange to go for a late night nursing and check in between the evening activities and the *other* evening activities? or have her brought to the hotel in the morning so you can nurse her and then sleep in a bit?
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#26 of 41 Old 07-29-2010, 12:29 AM
 
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Just my two cents...

No one in my family or husband's family would ever suggest taking my baby away from me/us for overnight until she's old enough to actually WANT to go. That would probably be closer to 8 yrs old.

IMO, it's not natural for a mother to be apart from her nursing child. That's why the boobs are attached.

That's just me. I wouldn't even consider it unless my marriage was on the rocks or DH spent a lot of time out of town and I never got to see him, OR I was going insane and needed a break so bad I was about to fall apart. But even then, I think I'd probably go stay with family so they could take diaper & dishes duty, and Dh & I could relax.

Bottom line, I think you should never feel weird or guilty for not giving up your child to someone else, no matter how much that person loves them. I would be angry if someone got manipulative about it.

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#27 of 41 Old 07-29-2010, 01:47 AM
 
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My ds is 7 and has yet to stay overnight with anyone else but me, but then we have no immediate family in the area. I don't know what I would do. You will probably get less sleep than if she were there, as will your mom. I'm not sure what her motives are but it seems a bit odd. Why over night? Is she trying to get you to get pg again?

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#28 of 41 Old 07-29-2010, 02:43 AM
 
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I think it is right to trust that pit in the stomach feeling.
you could say to your Mom something like:

"Thank you so much for your kind gift. DD loves you so much and loves spending time with you. I just don't feel ready to be apart from her for the night yet. when I am you are the person I trust the most and will be the first person I leave her with."
Good idea!

For us it was a matter of being alone with my husband for one night. Since we live near my parents and my son had taken numerous naps at their house, it wasn't a question that he could handle it. It was nice to be alone even though we stared at pictures of the babe all evening long and then the neighbor's dog started barking at 1am (which he never does...gggrrrr)
That being said, my son was sleeping through the night so I felt secure that things would go fine.

Do what your gut tells you because if not, you'll be in a hotel not enjoying your time with your partner. See if you can postpone it until you are ready, then you'll have a great night off!
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#29 of 41 Old 07-29-2010, 01:04 PM
 
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I know you've already had a bagillion cents about this, but I thought I'd add mine...

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Goo

For us it was a matter of being alone with my husband for one night.
Totally. For me the first time around it was easy to underestimate how much time we were spending as husband and wife rather than as our new identities of first-time-parents. It definitely caught up to us (especially being first time parents of a colicky baby) & we finally realized that weekly time for just us was super important to our relationship. We still take a "cocktail hour" for ourselves when DH gets home. No matter what's going on, it can wait. If we're not solid with one another everything else falls apart.

We're about to have our first overnight this Saturday - DD2 is 4+ months old now & a superchunk - I can't say I'm completely without those "what if.." thoughts (& I'll definitely think about her while we're out) but I know she's not going to starve, and as far as I'm concerned it "Takes a Village." I want her to grow up with multiple caretakers & building that early is important to us. If the ultimate "what if" happened I want both my girls to know their family is there.

We instituted sleepovers early with DD1 & now she has a WONDERFUL relationship with our extended family & knows that any one of us can fufill her needs. She never went through the "Seperation anxiety" phase with the family. She could be with Grandma as easily as she would with me.

Everyone is different, but I think most of us with partners will do good to spend alone-time with them, especially overnight alone time!

SO excited!!!

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#30 of 41 Old 07-29-2010, 01:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I know you've already had a bagillion cents about this, but I thought I'd add mine...



Totally. For me the first time around it was easy to underestimate how much time we were spending as husband and wife rather than as our new identities of first-time-parents. It definitely caught up to us (especially being first time parents of a colicky baby) & we finally realized that weekly time for just us was super important to our relationship. We still take a "cocktail hour" for ourselves when DH gets home. No matter what's going on, it can wait. If we're not solid with one another everything else falls apart.

We're about to have our first overnight this Saturday - DD2 is 4+ months old now & a superchunk - I can't say I'm completely without those "what if.." thoughts (& I'll definitely think about her while we're out) but I know she's not going to starve, and as far as I'm concerned it "Takes a Village." I want her to grow up with multiple caretakers & building that early is important to us. If the ultimate "what if" happened I want both my girls to know their family is there.

We instituted sleepovers early with DD1 & now she has a WONDERFUL relationship with our extended family & knows that any one of us can fufill her needs. She never went through the "Seperation anxiety" phase with the family. She could be with Grandma as easily as she would with me.

Everyone is different, but I think most of us with partners will do good to spend alone-time with them, especially overnight alone time!

SO excited!!!
Thanks for this! I agree, I want DD to be comfortable with many different people in her life, not just DH and I. I think for us in the long run it is the most healthy thing to do. DH and I are not the type to vacation or plan any extended trips without her, we can't even imagine that, but I think one night here and there could be a wonderful thing for all of us all.
Don't get me wrong, if this night doesn't go well we will take a break and try again in a while, we would NEVER force it on her, but I like the idea that if something happened where we HAD to be away from her for one reason or another it wouldn't be the end of the world or add additional stress to the situation.

Thanks again to everyone, a part of me agrees with everything said here...I guess that's why I am confused!

Mama to Madelynn 8/16/2009 and awaiting buggy #2 March/2011 , partner to DH

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