Crappy Libido, Part Deux: Checking In - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-13-2010, 02:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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About two months ago, I posted this thread and I just wanted to check in and see where everyone stands now.

My ten-month-old is still a pretty rough sleeper. I haven't had more than three hours of sleep in a row since she was born. Her naps are usually around 30-40 minutes. In short, I'm still exhausted.

Still haven't gotten my period back either.

I'm not sure things have improved all that much on the sex/intimacy front. We still manage about one time per week of some sort of intimacy, but all-in-all, it still feels like a fair amount of work for me. I spend the day with the baby hanging off me, fighting with her to nap and then it takes about an hour to get her to bed at night. When I finally have a minute, it's really hard to get into the thought of someone else "hanging off me". In fact, as terrible as it makes me feel, I often get really internally annoyed when DP tries to touch me or be close. I just want SPACE.

Anyway, how's everyone doing?

Mama to Maia (12/04), Nora (9/09), Sam (8/12) and Step-mama to Aidan (3/02) and Luci (10/04).

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Old 08-13-2010, 03:12 PM
 
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I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. I keep telling myself I won't be this tired forever...I keep telling dh that too.
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Old 08-13-2010, 03:53 PM
 
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yeah, all that. but dd is 12 mo and we've only "been intimate" ONCE since she was born.

i'm touched out. dd is super clingy and doesn't sleep much. last thing i want to do when i'm finally "free" for a moment is get all wrapped up in someone else.

i feel bad about it. i keep telling dp it's a phase and it will pass and that lots and lots of couples go through this.... i don't think it helps, but it is what it is.
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Old 08-13-2010, 03:54 PM
 
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I haven't gotten my libido back from my first baby who is now seven, so I'm still waiting!

Jen 47 DS C 2/03  angel.gif04/29/08/ DD S 10/28/09 DH Bill '97.

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Old 08-13-2010, 04:24 PM
 
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Originally Posted by saffrongirl View Post
' it still feels like a fair amount of work for me. I spend the day with the baby hanging off me, fighting with her to nap and then it takes about an hour to get her to bed at night. When I finally have a minute, it's really hard to get into the thought of someone else "hanging off me". In fact, as terrible as it makes me feel, I often get really internally annoyed when DP tries to touch me or be close. I just want SPACE.
I feel exactly like you, definitely don't want anyone hanging off me once she and her sister are in bed. Lately, I have to tell dh to please not talk to me in the evenings because I'm too stresed out and talked out (from the 3 year old) to even be talked to!

Mom to dd1 7/2007, dd2 2/2010, and ds 7/2006 in heaven
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Old 08-13-2010, 04:51 PM
 
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Amen to the "I don't want someone else hanging off me" sentiment! Poor dh, I try to remind him as often as possible that it's not his fault, but he's so sad sometimes! Our dd is 8 months and we DEFINITELY aren't intimate once a week...maybe once a month??? I can't even remember - it's sad! No period yet for me either. I wonder if that will help?

Hmmm...which begs the question, which would I rather have, sex or my period???
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Old 08-13-2010, 04:52 PM
 
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Oh, no, I'm in the same boat, but thought it will get better soon (DS is 4mo). Me and DH are always on opposite sides of the couch, it seems like work to even cuddle with him after cuddling all day w/DS.

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Old 08-13-2010, 06:09 PM
 
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We're still in the same boat, but I'm trying really hard now. We've had sex exactly once since Cecilia was born 4 months ago, and it was two days ago. It was nice, it's just really hard for me to want to do that with the little free time I get. I still have little to no libido, so I am sure that's why I don't want to spend my spare time in bed.

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Old 08-13-2010, 06:12 PM
 
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I'm with you. We've managed about twice a month since we started back at about 9 weeks. I really have to try hard to be even remotely in the mood. Last time I asked if we could just do "other stuff" instead.

It doesn't help that four months out and I still have pain at the edge of my tear. So the idea of sticking something up there doesn't sound so good.

I also didn't have a big libido to begin with. So it's certainly no better now!

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Old 08-13-2010, 06:55 PM
 
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I have two children at home, am a full time student, and help my DP run his printing business. So, at the end of the day I am exhausted and not always interested. I have found that pushing myself to move from that opposite end of the couch and initiate the cuddling does wonders. It feels really good to connect once we actually are!

Actual sex is another story. Getting the baby asleep in her packnplay long enough for us to enjoy our bed is hard work. And if she wakes I have to nurses her back to sleep. That is really hard for me to switch gears back and forth like that. So it all seems daunting and tiring. Again, once we are there though, it is wonderful for us to be connecting and be intimate.

I guess for me it is just about getting past that hump of being touched/talked out and remembering that I love my DP to pieces and love being intimate with him. Thats what got us these kids right?

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Old 08-13-2010, 09:08 PM
 
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No libido here whatsoever. We've done it maybe five times since baby was born. I just have absolutely no interest, and she rarely sleeps anywhere except our bed.

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Old 08-13-2010, 10:24 PM
 
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I must say that the few times we have dtd, LO has been great - stayed asleep the whole time, so we've been lucky considering we co-sleep

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Old 08-13-2010, 10:57 PM
 
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Same here, our one time was with the baby conked out in her swing.

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Old 08-14-2010, 04:53 AM
 
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Our baby is 9 months now. My period came back at 7 months (bummer. what about the constant nursing, co-sleeping, never being apart from him? nothing? sigh.) and... it did (almost) nothing for my libido, which is kind of a drag. We continue to aim for 2x week and achieve about half that. I feel kind of bad for my husband, who of course doesn't have the BF-ing induced libido death.

Here's hoping my drive returns someday.

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Old 08-14-2010, 11:10 AM
 
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Maybe this is better moved to the parents as partners, but my issue is that sex is basically my husband's love language http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-...ove-languages/ (officially I guess his is physical touch, but really it's just sex...no other touching) MY love language is acts of service or words of affirmation. We don't really speak each other's language!!!!

I wil GLADLY give him quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and even physical contact like cuddling, hand holding, hugging, kissing, shower time, etc but he just wants...sex. And I absolutely, positively, do NOT.

DS3 is 10 months, I'm not cycling (which is odd for me, started at 6 months with my other two), I'm tired often not because of just the baby, but from having 3 kids in general. I just have nothing left. It's becoming an issue, regardless of how I explain to him what I'm feeling, he doesn't care. He thinks I should just "throw him a bone" once in a while, suck it up and just give him sex. And the few times we have, it's been fun, but does nothing to bring back my libido.

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Old 08-14-2010, 11:56 AM
 
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Nothing here yet either. This isn't surprising, since it never really recovered from DS, who is now five (I hear you Jen! LOL).

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Old 08-14-2010, 02:40 PM
 
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8 mos here... I have so much trouble snapping out of mommy-mode. I just can't do it! Even kissing on tv makes me say "Oh, GROSS!" I feel sorry for my husband, but, you know, not sorry enough!

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Old 08-14-2010, 03:13 PM
 
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I'm so happy this thread was posted.

For us, it's nine months since the birth of our son and we haven't done it at all. I was starting to think that we were in the minority. I'm glad to see we are not. My saving grace is that DH is just as tired at night, so no complaints from him. The bad part is that we would like to get preggers now, but without DTD, it's not going to happen. We'll have to work at it. It's becoming a bit easier to envision it since we transitioned the baby to his crib last month. Surprisingly, he sleeps better there than with us.

Maybe we just need to do it, and my libido will be back. I must admit that I'm a bit afraid of DTD and getting my peruiod back. I certainly am not looking forward to that.

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Old 08-14-2010, 06:11 PM
 
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Wow, glad to know I'm not the only one not feelin' it at all. We've done it I think 3 times since the baby was born, each time with the baby napping in the other room and the baby monitor on right next to us. I can't say I was the world's horniest person before this, but now it's like just gone. It takes about a week of us both saying we need to make the time and space to connect and be intimate before we actually get around to it. I like being close to my DH, but I just never feel like much action, kwim? I don't like being like this and I hope I get at least some of my juices flowing again sometime.

BTW someone mentioned this lack of interest is induced by BFing....really?! I'd never heard that before.

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Old 08-14-2010, 06:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Maybe this is better moved to the parents as partners, but my issue is that sex is basically my husband's love language http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-...ove-languages/ (officially I guess his is physical touch, but really it's just sex...no other touching) MY love language is acts of service or words of affirmation. We don't really speak each other's language!!!!

I wil GLADLY give him quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and even physical contact like cuddling, hand holding, hugging, kissing, shower time, etc but he just wants...sex. And I absolutely, positively, do NOT.

DS3 is 10 months, I'm not cycling (which is odd for me, started at 6 months with my other two), I'm tired often not because of just the baby, but from having 3 kids in general. I just have nothing left. It's becoming an issue, regardless of how I explain to him what I'm feeling, he doesn't care. He thinks I should just "throw him a bone" once in a while, suck it up and just give him sex. And the few times we have, it's been fun, but does nothing to bring back my libido.
This is probably getting more to the root of the matter. We communicate differently and we need different things. I've found that even through all of these first months (and maybe even more now), I need intimacy with him - meaning CLOSENESS, whereas he needs intimacy, meaning SEX. If I let myself be hugged and held close, it really does feel nice and I feel closer to him. But usually it feels like if he hugs me and holds me close, it's a means to an end and I feel him grinding against me. It becomes one more person needing something from me and I am instantly turned off.
Ironic because if we can just have some simple closeness, I find myself much more in the mood for sex.

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Old 08-14-2010, 07:46 PM
 
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We'd probably do it more, but my husband isn't interested unless I am as well. I don't mind sex that's really just for him, but he doesn't enjoy it unless it's going to work for me too. Which is nice, kind of. I like that he cares so much about my pleasure but I feel a little guilty because I'm so not into it, pretty much ever.

I'd guess that my love language is acts of service, and his is words of affirmation. Which probably explains why our dry spell isn't too bothersome.

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Old 08-14-2010, 07:48 PM
 
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My husband is exactly the same, Ninetales. It's wonderful that he is so considerate, but it makes it so much harder when his wife has zero interest. Poor guy.

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Old 08-14-2010, 09:58 PM
 
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I'm with you mamas. My LO is 10.5 months and I haven't had a return of AF yet and still BF round the clock. I feel like there is an inkling of my libido returning, but that is being counter-acted by my LOs becoming a super-busy, super-mobile baby, who doesn't sleep well, sleeps in bed with us and basically wears me out each and every day. So even if I think during the day that I might want to have some action with my DH when he gets home, by the time 8pm rolls around, I'm just too tired.

We have a "discussion" about it every few weeks, but haven't found a solution. I want more (non-sex) intimacy, more help with the LO, and he just wants. . .sex. He said today that 3x a week was his ideal *minimum*. OMG. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I can't even begin to imagine how I could manage that. We do probably manage once a week though. . .or every other week. Which seems just fine to me. Sigh.

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Old 08-15-2010, 03:32 AM
 
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yeah, all that. but dd is 12 mo and we've only "been intimate" ONCE since she was born.

i'm touched out. dd is super clingy and doesn't sleep much. last thing i want to do when i'm finally "free" for a moment is get all wrapped up in someone else.

i feel bad about it. i keep telling dp it's a phase and it will pass and that lots and lots of couples go through this.... i don't think it helps, but it is what it is.
I mostly just lurk and don't post yet (still new to Mothering.com) but I want to say thank you for this. I felt like crying because at least I am not the only one. We have been intimate once in the past year (pregnant, then babe, he is almost 5 months). Dh is upset. I can't stand though being touched, sexual, tired. I really really just want to sleep, and fall into deep sleep. I don't feel like cuddling...I feel bad. I cry about it. I can't make myself get "into it". DH doesnt leave it alone lately, brings it up every day...feel horrible and not sure what to do. Anyhow, I appreciate your openess and honesty. It helps.
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Old 08-15-2010, 03:35 AM
 
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8 mos here... I have so much trouble snapping out of mommy-mode. I just can't do it! Even kissing on tv makes me say "Oh, GROSS!" I feel sorry for my husband, but, you know, not sorry enough!
OMG, I get this!! LOL. Actually, I feel bad. Dh tries to kiss, and I am like "ick! don't! Yuck!" I am not sure what is wrong with me.
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Old 08-15-2010, 04:01 AM
 
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My baby is 13 months now, and we've had sex less than a handful of times. I haven't gotten my period back, but I feel some sort of drive coming back. The only bummer is that it really, really hurts to dtd. It's like crowning-level of pain, both in sensation and pain level. I had tearing; does this mean that I was sewn up poorly? Is it scar tissue and it'll be this way long-term?
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Old 08-15-2010, 11:19 AM
 
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I like this thread. Our daughter is 6 1/2 months old and we haven't had sex yet I really don't feel like it much and since we co sleep and Olivia isn't a good napper at all there is hardly any opportunity other than late at night when I am tired after getting her to sleep. At first I had pain from the birth (episiotomy) and I felt cautious because of that but that is all good now...I do miss that sort of closeness and connection with dh though.

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Old 08-15-2010, 03:11 PM
 
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Been thinking about this more b/c of the thread... I also have a dread fear of getting pregnant again. My third baby was born prematurely at 32 weeks, and I never ever want to go through having a baby in the NICU again. Don't want birth control bc am already struggling with milk supply, and my husband doesn't like condoms, and AF isn't back fully yet. So even if the kids ARE sleeping and I'm feeling generous, the fear keeps me away. I guess until some surgical intervention, but even if I'm the one of us to do that, I don't want to do it in Brazil, in Portuguese!

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Old 08-15-2010, 11:50 PM
 
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Oh... thank goodness. Poor DH is very patient, but kinda fed up. Here we thought we were in the minority. My sis tells me that breastfeeding diminishes your estrogen levels and your libido--so I'm going with that excuse!

But seriously, a baby's a strain on a marriage, and this lack-of-libido thing's not helping. Hopefully it'll get better with time...

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Old 08-16-2010, 03:16 AM
 
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Honestly, the saddest part of losing my libido isn't just losing it for DH. I was always a regular self-pleasurer, I mean, it was part of my health maintenance and sanity and a splendid tool to get to sleep.

It takes forEVER to even get turned on enough to get into it. I can't believe it, but I'm getting tired of trying. I can't believe it because I used to do it so regularly and it was so easy!

I mean, what about ME? :/

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