Do people make you feel stupid for not CIO? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 56 Old 09-10-2010, 09:16 AM
 
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Originally Posted by hakeber View Post
The only person to suggest I stop feeding my baby if she wakes up in the middle of the night with the underlying implication that I should let her cry (which is rarely now, maybe once a night around 4 or 5) was some lady on the bus who I guess was trying to make conversation and she says "She wakes up because she knows you'll feed her." complete with waggling eyebrows that insinuated my baby was plotting against me, in a devilish attempt to wreak havoc on my sleep cycles. (muwah ha ha ha ha!)
For me, it was our family doctor who said that at 6 months DS does not need to eat during the night and he'll never learn to sleep if I don't leave him in a room by himself and let him "self soothe" when he wakes. My parents at least suggested that I make sure he is not hungry before leaving him to CIO.

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My mom always has the classic argument, "you two (my sister and I) turned out just fine when i did it!" and I tell her "yes, and my son will turn out alright too" Whenever anyone else says anything I ignore it or try to tell them gently that it's not up for discussion
I have figured out that the only thing people mean when they say "turned out just fine" is "survived infancy/childhood." My recent CIO conversation with my parents have made me realize where a lot of my longterm sleep issues have come from. Of course it doesn't help that DH sleeps very well, despite being a CIO baby.

I generally don't like talking about sleep with people and I never bring it up unless they are complaining about their little one's sleep. But I get asked all the time and although I try to deflect the questions, I am generally honest. However, I cringe whenever my DH mentions anything about our sleep habits to anyone because of course that opens up the topic for discussion. he says he wants people to realize that our baby does not sleep alone for 12 hours and that is normal. So his intentions are at least somewhat good (although sometimes it's just to complain) but usually these discussions end with the other parties telling us that we are doing it wrong and we should just let them CIO. I just wish he was better prepared to defend our position.

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#32 of 56 Old 09-10-2010, 09:57 AM
 
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I all of your responses!

I just have to add that the CIO issue is so much easier to deal with when you're on your second (or more) baby. Just hang in there and stick to your guns with your first and it will get easier.

For someone to make me feel "stupid" for not CIO I have to actually care what they think... which I don't.

My DD, who is 3, still wakes 1x per night and gets in bed with DH and I around 3:30 AM. My DS, who is 3 mo., of course wakes 1-2x per night to be fed (more if having a growth spurt). We meet their needs at night, the same as we do during the day. It works for us. End of story.

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#33 of 56 Old 09-10-2010, 10:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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For someone to make me feel "stupid" for not CIO I have to actually care what they think... which I don't.
They don't really make me feel stupid, I guess, I just want them to know I'm not and I really do know what I'm doing!

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#34 of 56 Old 09-10-2010, 11:41 AM
 
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No one has suggested cry-it-out to me (yet), maybe they assume I am doing it or they don't want to piss me off (I intimidate a lot of people ). However, I have had several people respond with surprise when I mention my 9 month old is still waking at night and like the OP, occasionally many times a night. Typically it is 1-2 times now, but when she is teething or just off for whatever reason, yup still have those 5 times a night ones here and there. But yeah, folks surprised at 1-2 times, which seems like it should be the norm to me honestly, aren't their babies hungry enough to still wake once? My DD has never been thrilled about sleeping though, so that's definitely part of it too. At least one of the parents I work with though commiserates as his daughter is 6 I think and still wakes up fairly frequently at night and was like mine as an infant, so he gets it at least

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#35 of 56 Old 09-10-2010, 11:52 AM
 
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I had people asking if she was sleeping through the night and I'd just cheerfully reply 'nope, not yet! she still wakes x amount of times' and most people asking were people who knew me so they knew better than to suggest ways to stop the waking because they'd get an earful about how I'd NEVER leave her completely alone for 12 hours a day because she NEEDS me physically, mentally and emotionally and therefor treat her the same at night.

I generally avoid strangers as I have social anxiety so the people I am in contact with knew my position long before kiddo was even able to cry. I'm pretty sure my husband is the only one who brought up CIO... that didn't last long either.
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#36 of 56 Old 09-10-2010, 12:10 PM
 
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Not here either. When DD was little we stated that we have a "no-cry policy" in our house. That has changed a little now she's older - now we say we have a "no babies crying" policy - because 5-year-olds cry for different reasons and I can't honestly say that I always drop everything to soothe her if, for instance, she's in tears because she can only find her GREEN hair clip...

I find if I'm confident about stating how we do things, there's not a lot people can say. Granted our families tend to not be TOO pushy!

We also of course have our DD to point to when people say "you're creating a monster" or "you'll be sorry" in reference to the fact that we choose to co-sleep with DS. She DID "turn out fine" (so far!) and sleeps through the night, unless there's a very good reason not to.

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#37 of 56 Old 09-10-2010, 12:25 PM
 
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I agree, these sort of people do not make me feel dumb, they make themselves look dumb and neglectful... Mostly no one approachs me with this sort of thing because my beliefs are widely known by everyone in my circle. Also if I debate this sort of thing I ALWAYS win the argument with science based research and facts.

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#38 of 56 Old 09-10-2010, 04:26 PM
 
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In my husband's case, he has always had this odd melancholy in the evening, which starts at sunset. He also to this day has a really hard time getting himself into bed and to sleep, even when he's exhausted, and then gets insomnia pretty frequently. Now that we have a baby and we started discussing how sick CIO is, it clicked with him that he was CIOed and he believes that is the root of his sleep disturbances and evening sadness. In his case, his father forced his mom to put the babies down at night, close the door and not go back til morning. She says that he would lock the door to keep her from going in there, and once she had to physically fight him and break down the door to get to them. So, so sad.
I am so sorry about that with your husband. However, I do have to say that DS, who NEVER CIO'd, is the same way! There could be a genetic component.
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#39 of 56 Old 09-10-2010, 07:42 PM
 
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My mom, who can NOT understand my parenting choices ("You just make things so much harder for yourself") has not said anything to me specifically in a long time about letting my DD CIO. She does throw in little digs here and there by saying things like "Jim and Cindy are such good parents. Their baby is so well trained".

I know at least two children that were 'sleep-trained' based on the "BabyWise" book (for those not familiar, it puts babies as young as 8 weeks, maybe younger, on a very strict feed/play/sleep schedule). Both of the children, one is 10 yo and the other is 3 yo, are now extremely insecure and have some serious issues. The 10 year old has been described as sad, lonely and almost dark. The 3 year old is extremely insecure, cries all the time and clings to her mom for dear life. And both their mothers still push "BabyWise" claiming it is a must...such a disconnect. And these are the mothers that look at me like I'm stupid...

DD is almost 10 mo and I couldn't imagine placing her in a crib and shutting the door behind me, saying 'good luck, see ya in the morning'. I don't know how people do it....I don't want to know! I'm going to go hug my little girl now!
Happy Friday!!!

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#40 of 56 Old 09-10-2010, 08:54 PM
 
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Oh man, I needed this thread!!

Ds is 8 weeks old on Monday. He's sleeping from 9:30pm-4am then from 4:20-ish am-7am. Every damn person tells either me or Ds what a 'good' baby he is. As if him being asleep during hours x,y,z means anything!!! What I wouldn't give for an extra wake up during the night to get a nice chunk of afternoon with a napping baby!!

This weekend I had an evening with two mamas of 13-15 month olds who swear by CIO. Their kids that can 'sleep anywhere' and were CIO'ed at 12 weeks were put upstairs at a house they'd never been to, the door was shut and they were left for the hour I was there to scream and cry. They were still awake and screaming crying when I left.
The other mama there has a baby a few hours younger than Ds. She's doing babywise. Her little one was fed a paci as it wasn't three hours since her last meal. Meanwhile all the crying babies had my boobs leaking through layers of bra, nursing pads, a shirt, and the moby.

It's sad that a baby's worth is determined by how long they sleep.

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#41 of 56 Old 09-10-2010, 09:00 PM
 
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Originally Posted by nicole528 View Post
My mom, who can NOT understand my parenting choices ("You just make things so much harder for yourself") has not said anything to me specifically in a long time about letting my DD CIO. She does throw in little digs here and there by saying things like "Jim and Cindy are such good parents. Their baby is so well trained".

I know at least two children that were 'sleep-trained' based on the "BabyWise" book (for those not familiar, it puts babies as young as 8 weeks, maybe younger, on a very strict feed/play/sleep schedule). Both of the children, one is 10 yo and the other is 3 yo, are now extremely insecure and have some serious issues. The 10 year old has been described as sad, lonely and almost dark. The 3 year old is extremely insecure, cries all the time and clings to her mom for dear life. And both their mothers still push "BabyWise" claiming it is a must...such a disconnect. And these are the mothers that look at me like I'm stupid...

DD is almost 10 mo and I couldn't imagine placing her in a crib and shutting the door behind me, saying 'good luck, see ya in the morning'. I don't know how people do it....I don't want to know! I'm going to go hug my little girl now!
Happy Friday!!!

-Nicole
Mama to DD (11/09)
I love how people say "trained", like babies are dogs!

Most people I know who CIO still have bratty kids, so I don't know why they're always patting themselves on the back for their "superior" parenting skills.

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#42 of 56 Old 09-10-2010, 09:05 PM
 
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I tried the CIO method for one night, and it was horribly painful. I just cried and cried in the next room. So we did co-sleeping until he was 5!

My doc was supportive & told me that I can choose the "pull off the bandaid quickly" method (CIO), or the more slow approach of co-sleeping. CIO works, but it causes more tears in the short-run for child and parent. The slow approach can be very prolonged (as it was for us), but is emotionally less painful.

Honestly, I have no idea which better serves the child. Friends of mine w/ kids who underwent the CIO method seem just as happy and well-adjusted as my own child. It's just that my son was (is) SO sensitive...

Now that I'm pregnant again, I have no idea which method I'll choose. If I co-sleep w/ the second one, the first one may want to crawl into bed w/ us. There's no room! So I'm taking a wait and see approach.
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#43 of 56 Old 09-10-2010, 09:17 PM
 
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My SIL does CIO, and she gets very defensive about it, but at least she doesn't bother me. But I do have a cousin that does CIO and tells everyone how great it is, and that you're obviously stupid if you dont, "because babies need to learn not everything is about them..." My heart broke for her babies because the little ones were sooo obviously hungry, but she wouldn't give them more formula (no breastfeeding) because she didn't want them "to get fat". Poor babes
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#44 of 56 Old 09-10-2010, 10:24 PM
 
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It's sad that a baby's worth is determined by how long they sleep.
That's so very well said.

How can a baby be "good" or "bad" based on their sleep patterns? I have bouts of insomnia and it sometimes takes me hours to fall asleep. I guess people must think I'm pure evil.

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#45 of 56 Old 09-11-2010, 12:50 AM
 
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I'm so glad I saw this because I was just coming on MDC to ask how to handle those "is she sleeping through the night questions", at 8 weeks old! Because EVERYONE asks! Normally I just say she's a great night sleeper, which is true. We live in a very non-crunchy area, and most people CIO and follow Babywise. My SIL just had a baby, and no kidding, they put their baby on a schedule in the hospital! I was tempted to CIO in the beginning, when I was trying to understand my baby, since that is all I've ever known. The churches around here hold Babywise classes all the time. Thank GOD, my mom, sister and one friend encouraged me to do what I felt was right! I know CIO is supposed to be mostly for your convenience, but when did parenting become convenient?!?!

OTOH, since most of the kids I know are CIO byproducts, most, if not all, seem well-adjusted and confident. Maybe their parents make up for it with extra love after the baby stage. Who knows.

Bottom line is, I can't listen to my LO scream and cry....I would much rather feed her, cuddle her, talk with her, and watch her stare into my eyes, examining me, while cooing and giggling. She is worth waking up several times a night for.

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#46 of 56 Old 09-11-2010, 02:47 AM
 
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My DS slept through the night (8 hours) at 7 weeks old... and never again!

When people ask though, I usually just say yes. It's easier than explaining that he stirs several times throughout the night, and I nurse him back to sleep, but he very rarely wakes completely.

And when people tell me that I'll have a hard time getting him out of my bed, I usually just smile and say that I like cuddling, so I don't mind And then I let them shake their heads, and mutter all their nay-sayings.

Honestly, I love waking up in the night to nurse DS. I don't see why people would want to go 12 hours without seeing their baby! And he's so funny when he talks in his sleep.
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#47 of 56 Old 09-11-2010, 06:48 AM
 
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Honestly I just try not to talk about the down-side of co-sleeping when I'm around people who do not co-sleep too. When I use to get the, does baby sleep through the night questions, I would say, no, it is not normal for a breastfed baby not left to cry to sleep through the night, but that co-sleeping makes it so much easier because I barely have to wake up to feed the baby.

Now that my little man is older than two I just tell people he STTN, even though he wakes up once or twice to snuggle in closer.

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#48 of 56 Old 09-11-2010, 07:02 AM
 
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Honestly, I have no idea if DD sleeps through night bc she DOES sleep all night long, mostly with my boob in her mouth every few hours. She never wakes up and honestly, I rarely do either... I tell people she sleeps 12 hours a night. Cause she does. If they ask about if she sleeps alone, I tell them. Then I get the "look", usually followed by a comment like, "hmmm... spoiled baby." haha How can a baby be spoiled? For reals? If it does not bother me, why should it bother you if my baby breastfeeds during the night?

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#49 of 56 Old 09-11-2010, 10:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't see why people would want to go 12 hours without seeing their baby!
I wouldn't mind but of course if she were actually sleeping

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#50 of 56 Old 09-13-2010, 12:01 AM
 
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My baby isn't even here yet! And I get trouble because they see the nursery and there is no crib.... the crib is sidecarred!!! My step-dad was like "oh your gonna be crazy like your sister" and I looked at him and said, I'm breastfeeding and I am NOT walking down the hall every time my baby is hungry and I won't lay there and let him cry! Then my mom looked at him and said that if she had thought about it I would have roomed in with her because for months I ate every 2-3 hours at night and it was horrible having to go get me every time! Yay mom! He didn't even believe me when I told him that rooming-in is now medically recommended....

Already getting garbage for saying I will feed on demand and not let my baby cry. I can't let my NEPHEW cry... heck I can't let my DOG cry!! How on earth could I let the most important thing in my life cry when there is something I can do about it?

Also already getting crap for exclusively breastfeeding, not circumcising, wanting a natural birth (just take the meds, its easier that way....) and even occasionally for cloth diapering! What the heck people? Take a chill pill!

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#51 of 56 Old 09-13-2010, 12:27 PM
 
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Thank you for this thread. Yes I do feel dumb sometimes...I know I don't need to pay attention to what other people say, but I am so tired right now, that their comments do get to me. And every once in a while I start to wonder if they are right and I'm wrong...

DD is 6 months and a typical night lately has been for her to wake up at 11, 1, 3, 3:30, 4, 4:30, 5, 5:30 and often is up for the day at that point.

Do I wish she would sleep longer? Absolutely. I'm SO tired. But leaving her to cry just feels wrong.

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#52 of 56 Old 09-13-2010, 02:49 PM
 
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My DH and I are adamantly against CIO. But, there are times when we do feel dumb because other babies we know are sleeping SO well and their parents seem so... refreshed. For example, DH and I both had a stomach virus this past weekend and DD decided that she was going to wake up several times in one night. She always nurses when she wakes up. Well, in the middle of a nursing session, I had to vomit (sorry, TMI), so I had to hand her off to my husband and she was screaming bloody murder until I was done and could come back.

It IS difficult. And I wish I could just respond with: "This is our method and it works for us"... but the truth is, we barely hang on sometimes. Wish we had more support. My mom does support me, though, which is great. I am just exhausted.

But, even with our sheer exhaustion, the thought of putting DD in a room by herself to CIO makes me shudder. I just picture her in there, just wondering where her mom and dad are. Looking around, being alone, crying. That, in my opinion, is cruel and unusual punishment for a crime she did not commit. So, no matter how hard it is for us sometimes, we just could never imagine it another way.

Parenting is hard. I feel that in our society, we try to make things easier so that kids don't become too hard for us. My SIL is another Babywise-er. We were just at their house visiting. She put her daughter to sleep (her daughter was crying and whimpering when her mom had to leave the room) at 8 PM. At 11 PM, she went to "check" on her- her poor child was still awake, sucking her thumb in the dark room. All by herself. My SIL didn't think anything of it, but I was in tears. My heart ached so much for her. It was so hard for me to witness. She is about 2.5 years old and her thumb is raw from her sucking on it so much- and she has developed a pretty bad overbite. Her mom says that her sleep is worth the expense to give her braces later on in life. I don't know what to say to that.

I recently started work and my mom watches DD during the day (for the most part- her dad and me sometimes stay home and do work remotely). My mom brings her in for lunch time for me to nurse. Otherwise, DD doesn't drink milk from a bottle, but she does eat food to satisfy her hunger and drinks water to satisfy her thirst while I'm gone. But, she's on me, sucking on me almost all night long. My mom thinks I'm a fantastic mother for doing this, and when she told my brother of my sacrifices, he responded, "Well, isn't that tough for my sister?" And I want to say, WELL, DUH! But, my SIL has unfortunately brainwashed him too, and neither of them really think too much of sacrificing of themselves more for alternative parenting techniques.

Anyway, I guess the point of this post is to point out that: a) co-sleeping and nighttime parenting is NOT easy. We have a right to get frustrated and go through periods of expressed difficulty. b) the alternative is too heartbreaking and can possibly damage the baby, mother, and their relationship in the long run. So, I would rather a over b any day.

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#53 of 56 Old 09-13-2010, 03:38 PM
 
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People don't make me feel stupid for not CIO, but they sure try to.

When people ask me if she sleeps through the night, I usually say something like "Nope. Neither have I. I can't fault her for wanting a drink in the middle of the night; I do the same thing. Luckily I keep her in my room, so it's easier to feed her and get back to sleep."
I try to put my answer in perspective and point out that room-sharing isn't about martyrdom, without coming off as insulting.

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#54 of 56 Old 09-13-2010, 06:48 PM
 
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No. They tried, but we just repeated "that is not part of our parenting philosophy" over and over and over until they finally got it.

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#55 of 56 Old 09-13-2010, 10:47 PM
 
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Parenting is hard. I feel that in our society, we try to make things easier so that kids don't become too hard for us.
That is so very well said.

It's kind of like starting a new job. You're a little lost and confused, you're out of your element, and you just want to do the right thing. And when you love your job, you invest in it--staying late, working a weekend or two, taking on extra projects. Then one day you realize your efforts are paying off, and you get a raise, a promotion, a bigger office, or whatever.

And maybe it's the same with raising a child. You start off doing the hard stuff--the late nights, the marathon breastfeeding, the crying... then the disciplining, the teaching, the explaining. And when you love your job as a parent, you invest in your kids--and, hopefully, that investment pays dividends and you have a happy, healthy, well-adjusted child.

Parents who CIO are kind of like those coworkers who come in at 9:15, take a 2-hour lunch and steal the Post-Its.

Woman, Wife, Mom to beautiful DD (10/14/09), Copywriter, occasionally tearing my hair out but usually pretty happy about it all
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#56 of 56 Old 09-14-2010, 01:28 AM
 
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Sometimes they make me feel angry. Mostly I feel sad for them. People are so mean to babies. I really struggled with my first because of what people told me. But these boards actually really helped me understand that it was normal. It has been much easier with my second because I have different expectations. Being OKAY with my choices makes a big differences. And mil, who seemed to take everything personally, finally stopped talking.

I had an aunt who practiced (no joke) Christ-led baby wise. :::shudder::: Failure to thrive.

I'll admit to the occasionally snarky comment too. Oh no, we don't do anything mean like that... I am not perfect.
JudiAU is offline  
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