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colic desperation ~ if you've btdt I need your support please (warning:long)

830 views 14 replies 13 participants last post by  hildare 
#1 ·
Sorry this is so long but I feel so helpless and I just need to vent a little. My DS Max is 3.5 months. He was and still is a colicky, excessively fussy baby. Just like everybody says, it started to get slowly better between 10-12 weeks, and we were all so happy about that. But the last two weeks it seems like a total regression. He has inconsolable screaming fits almost every day, often more than once a day. And in general he's just a malcontent, fussy baby. He does smile and laugh a lot and we have plenty of good times with him, but he so quickly descends into fussing and then sometimes full-blown screaming fits. There are good days and bad days, and on the really hard days nothing is good enough ever and all he does is fuss. all. day. long.

When he was younger we figured out it had a lot to do with overstimulation, but that no longer really feels right. He's been out of the womb for almost 4 months now and it seems like he is pretty used to all the daily things we do and the input he gets. We go out some but not all that much just to avoid overdoing it and in order not to miss naps. But throughout the day it's just a cycle of playing and then fussing and then doing something else and then fussing and then something else and more fussing. It seems he can't do anything for more than at most 20 minutes before fussing. This includes me wearing him, me playing with him, him playing alone, being in the bouncy seat, going in the garden or for a walk, or anything. DH and I are both getting really fed up with being the nonstop entertainment program~ I mean if it worked maybe we'd be more into it, but it never takes long before he gets bored or whatever it is and starts fussing and crying and screaming.

BTW he has been to all his well-baby checkups and had one this week even and he's fit as a fiddle and in fact very physically strong. It is also, I believe, not gas or stomach issues. He farts a few times a day like most babies, but unrelated to the crying, and I do give him gripe water out of desperation sometimes when he's screaming, but I really don't think it's a food/belly issue. He's also been to the osteopath 3x which helped some physical misalignments he had but not the crying. We have an appointment for Craniosacral work for him next week.

Sorry I'm going on forever here, but we've tried various approaches and it seems to be lately just getting worse not better.
I have to wonder when this is no longer colic and it's just his personality and he'll always somehow be dissatisfied. DH and I are really worried and of course wondering if we're doing something wrong or at least if there's anything we can do to help Max find some peace and happiness.

So, those who've btdt: how long does this colicky fussiness go on? I thought it was supposed to stop around 3 months, not get worse. At what point is it just his personality and he's just like that, and if so how do we deal with it? There are days we are tearing our hair out with frustration. I am ashamed to admit I have a couple times yelled at this poor innocent sweet little baby in my most frustrated moments.

I hate myself for that and immediately feel terrible and start crying myself when I see his innocent little face. I never want to yell at him again, I know how awful and wrong that is. In those moments I was so incredibly desperate. Yesterday it was so bad, I had to put him down while he was crying, go in the other room and scream into a pillow. I am so ashamed that I can't handle this, but sometimes I just reach my limit. Please hold the comments about I need professional help so as not to hurt him, or criticize me for yelling, I know how wrong it is and have already criticized myself plenty for it. I would never ever ever lay a hand on him and I know I need to find ways to contain my frustration and anger in the heat of the moment. In fact if you have tips on what helped you, I know every parent of a colic baby has felt that intense frustration, please share.

If you've read this far thank you so so much and TIA for any support you can offer, I am so desperate and at my wit's end here. I just want our little Max to be at peace, not all the time but more often than he currently is. How helpless I feel to guide him to that place if it's even possible, or to understand what this is.
 
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#2 ·
I have been there, it sucks. During the day, I was home with my dd2 alone. And she would be fussy, but not the non stop crying. The most frustrating thing with that was that I couldn't get her to sleep for more than 5 minutes before she was up and fussy again...I couldn't make myself lunch, I couldn't get a load of dishes in the dishwasher, I couldn't even hardly go pee, cause she would start fussing and crying the moment I put her down. Sometimes she just had to because I just had to potty.

The worst though was that I would ttoally look forward to when DH came home, I would hand her off, and she would just cry and cry and cry. Not because I handed her off, because even when I took her back she still cried. It was just that her 5 hour crying jag happened at around the same time he walked in the door. The ONLY thing that worked, and even then, it was only about 50% of the time, was to throw her in the car and drive around.

Ironically, she was a good sleeper at night. At just 4 wks old, she started sleeping about 6 hours straight at night, by about 4 months, she would go 8 hours and by 6 months, she slept 12 straight hours at night. But until she was like 4.5 or 5 months old, those 8 hours or whatever didn't start until around midnight or one am, once she had basically passed out from 5+ hours of crying.

She didn't really become a "happy baby" until at least 6 months old, it was probably closer to 8 months or something like that. It was hard, and I felt totally cheated. All my friends who had recently had babies had these happy babies that just smiled all the time, rarely cried etc etc..mine knew how to smile, she did smile occasionally, but most of the time, she cried. And cried. And cried.I just kept feeling that this was just not how it was supposed to be with a baby, you are supposed to enjoy them, but I just couldn't, it was so hard to enjoy all that screaming.
 
#3 ·
I haven't btdt, but I wanted to tell you that my baby (4 mo) also only tolerates activities for about 15 minutes. She gets bored easily and I too feel like I'm her entertainment all day long. When she's had enough, she's had enough! The real inconsolable crying comes when she is tired and can't get herself to sleep... it just escalates to wailing. This happens often because she is more of a cat napper than a nap consolidator. I try to catch her before she really gets going. If the crying is intense, I change venues - go for a walk, move to another room, change the diaper (she likes that), give a bath (near bedtime). Sometimes she is fussy because she doesn't want to be held anymore (I'm just figuring this one out). If all else fails, I nurse her.

I hope you can find some peace, mama. Are you getting any alone time?
 
#4 ·
Oh Mama, I've been there too. My first DD was a high needs baby and is still a high-needs preschooler. As an infant, we couldn't have her anywhere after 7:30 PM because that's when the really bad screaming started. The only thing that really helped was holding her alot, especially when she slept (so she'd sleep longer), and changing-up activities A LOT. Even now, as a 3 y.o., she still flits from activity to activity. My DD is also a child that wants me (or someone) to play with her almost all the time; she does not play by herself very much. I think she needs me be her anchor sometimes and help her focus on what she is doing.

It does get better! And his behavior has nothing to do with the way you are parenting him. You are doing a good job. Some kids (like my DD) just have a really hard time self-soothing and dealing with all the stimulation the external world gives them. It takes them a while to figure out how to deal with it all. As pp mentioned, my DD also got significantly happier when she got between 6-9 months old. She started interacting with toys and our dogs. I also have to brag... my DD is very, very, very smart. She is very advanced verbally and is already learning to read. And her vocabulary is huge. I think sometimes children who are intellectually advanced can grasp concepts before they are emotionally ready to deal with them. Recently, my DD has developed a fear of germs because of a germ book they read at preschool. It did not scare any of the other kids... but my DD took the whole book really literally and thought that these horrible things (germs) were everywhere and trying to hurt her, but she couldn't see them.

My DS, who is only 3 mo., is the complete opposite of DD. He is very laid-back, happy, already playing with toys, and sleep well at night. Exact same family and same parenting, but we have a completely different kid. It's just his personality.

I can't say it enough, but this will get better!!! It got good enough for us that we were willing to risk having another baby
.

In the meantime, you really have to take care of yourself. You are giving all you've got to this little guy and you need to re-charge daily. This might mean taking a walk every evening and letting your DH take-charge of DS. Or it might mean just taking a bubble bath. Or going on a date-night with your DH once a week. For a long time I felt like DD was so high-needs that I didn't want to "inflict" her on anyone. Now I wish I hadn't done that. I needed help at the time and when I finally strarted accepting it, my mental health really improved.

You might want to check out the Dr. Sears' book The Fussy Baby Book: Parenting Your High Needs Child from Birth to Age 5.
 
#5 ·
Also btdt...and he's now a beautiful, sweet, mellow, 7 year old
It was a long 7 months of that constant crying/screaming/fussing/never happy or relaxed stuff, but it does get better. I think he was/is classic high needs baby - I had never even heard of AP before he was born, but he absolutely demanded it. It's just who he is. Hang in there though...it does get better. He was a super easy toddler and is an exceptionally mature and sweet kid now, but the infant months were absolutely exhausting.
 
#6 ·
My DD was like this too, though I don't think as bad as you have it, but yeah I hear you. It has gotten better as she has gotten more mobile and better with her hands, but still she gets bored easily and I tell her often she is too smart for her own good, which was sort of my way of complimenting her and complaining to her at the same time to help keep my sanity. She did like to be held all the time until about 4 months, then she started wanting to be put down a bit. I'm sure you've tried it all, but does holding him more help? For my DD anyway, she nearly always wants to face out so she can see what is going on. Also, short trips to the store or somewhere new and exciting helped too. I kept the whole trip under an hour if at all possible including the car rides there and back, but walking around the grocery store or whatnot helped a lot as geez, what else can I do to entertain my little baby, ya know? Also, being around other people helped a lot too as she loved to watch them do things and talk. And putting her in my bjorn or sling and doing household chores like laundry, dishes, minor tidying up, etc. entertained her for a bit too as long as I didn't stand still for too long. I ate a lot of meals or snacks that were at most microwaved as she was glued to me.

Don't get too down on yourself for yelling, my DH has done that a couple time with our DD and I haven't yelled (yet), but I certainly had moments where I burst into tears too and was pleading with her to help me figure out what she wanted
As tiring as it was constantly changing things up to keep her happy, it was so much worse the few times she was inconsolable, I hope he isn't giving you too many of those. But definitely get some adult help, my Mom came and stayed with us several times in those first few months and it was a lifesaver for me and DH to have someone we trusted that we could hand off DD too and go take a nap or shower or whatever, you NEED breaks for sure!

ETA: Oh, and the jumperoo, once she was tall enough, that thing is awesome! She loves, loves, loves jumping and it gives me 15 minutes or so most of the time to eat or whatever. If a friend has one, try it out and see if your babe likes it or something similar.
 
#7 ·
DD1 was my colicky miserable baby. The screaming got better at 4-5 months but it took a while before she was happy for most of the day. The first year was really rough. Honestly, for her, that is just her personality. She is 7 now and NOT a mellow, calm, happy child, not to say that she is miserable all the time but that she is still high needs and requires more energy from me to keep her world in balance. My younger two children are soo different then DD1, it really was nothing we did but all her.
 
#9 ·
Also btdt. Mine got better 11-12-13 weeks and each month better and better. We're at 7 months now and I can set her down for a few minutes at a time, but she gets bored easily.

Don't be ashamed. I've also yelled at my sweet innocent babe. And then felt terrible for it. I've walked away, took my 30 seconds to breathe, then went back into the ring.

For us, part of it was dairy intolerance. I stopped dairy (and later soy) and it helped a lot.

She needed to be worn and to be in constant motion. I "survived" by wearing her in the Moby Wrap (upright! god forbid she be horizontal at all!) and bouncing on a exercise ball with a vacuum cleaner mp3 track playing. all. day. long. Only way to keep her from complaining.

Around 5 months I think I deflated the exercise ball. BIG day in our house.

It gets better. But I still swear I'll never have a baby again. Labor is NOTHING compared to newborns.
 
#10 ·
BTDT and it was my first. I now have four. It does get better. My son started as a really quiet baby and then at one month the colic hit. He fussed all day if I wasn't holding him but the screaming went from 6 to midnight EVERY. NIGHT. My dh and I had a roommate at the time and the three of us would just pass him along. It was sheer hell, and I know my dh yelled a few times, and I did once. There were many times when I just laid him down and cried alone in another room. I also want to add that I was never depressed through it. Sometimes what we're feeling is just normal. It's stressful to listen to a baby cry all day long.

But it started to slowly get better with each week after 4 months. He was never really happy until he hit 7 months but the screaming stopped at about 4 months and a week. He was always very needy in terms of needing us to play with hima and even now he's a super social kid. But he's also the most mellow sweet 10 year old ever.

My latest child is going on five months, and she actually is the same as your ds in terms of play. She has about a ten minute attention span and then she wants something new. It's easier for me because I have three older kids to entertain her. I think the attention span is pretty normal (I know it so doesn't help) but as they get older and more able, it does get easier.
 
#11 ·
Our son was incredibly colicky - and I, like you, didn't think it was "just gas." He would smile, play games, make faces and scream for hours, grab and claw, howl at the top of his lungs, refuse to nap or sleep. I heard lots of magic dates - 6 weeks, 8 weeks, 3 months, 4 months, 5 months, 6 months. I had a service repair man in to look at my dishwasher and he told me that his daughter was colicky and screamed unless she was being rocked in a specific way while being held in the bathroom with a running shower until she was 8 months. Somewhere between six months and eight months, more and more of the smiling, playful baby emerged. At 11 months, we rarely see fussy baby (and usually mostly at sleep time.)

I was ready to breakdown - I'm kind of shocked I didn't - and I'm still exhausted from those first eight months.

Hang in there - it does, indeed, get easier. I know lots of people will suggest books - I never had time to read, honestly. I'm finally getting around to starting Raising Your Spirited Child. My birthdaughter was much like this, as well, and is an increbily sweet, caring, sensitive, perceptive, friendly seven year old. I know it's not a lot of help to say "just stick it out" but I never found anything that worked other than exactly that. Good luck and hope hearing other stories is helping!
 
#12 ·
Aaaah, thank you wonderful mamas so much!

It does help to hear your stories and get validation and confirmation from others who've been in the trenches of colic.

To address some of the questions:
I do get some "me" time, my SIL comes once a week for a few hours and we're currently looking for another carer to come in a couple mornings a week ~honestly before I had a baby I never would've imagined wanting or needing an outside childminder at such a young age, and even thought it was kind of "wrong", but I see I am a much better mom when I've had a couple hours to myself. But yeah, it's essential to have that as I am a new person once I spend a few hours away from the babe.

He's not "high needs" in the Sears definition of the phrase, meaning he doesn't want or need to be held or carried all the time ~if only it were so simple! I wear him in the Moby every day around the house and get things done like cooking, laundry, tidying, etc, but if I stop or sit down, like to eat, within 5 seconds he starts complaining, so I have to stay in constant motion. Unfortunately he also tires of that and usually within 30 minutes maximum decides he's had enough. I suspect it's the being confined in the wrap he doesn't like, and I have tried forward facing but need to learn a better way as the one recommended in the Moby instructions didn't work for us.

Which brings me to the fact that he's a super-active, physical strong and mobile little guy and I have a strong suspicion that as soon as he can crawl (which he's been working very hard on since about 10 weeks!!) and use his hands better he'll be much more content. I get the feeling some of this fussiness is simple frustration that he wants to do and move more than he's able, like he's two steps ahead of his body. So yeah we're counting down til he can crawl, which I think should be within the next 6 weeks or so. I hope that helps some.

Again thanks so much for the replies so far, please keep them coming if you have any tips or stories to share. It helps to know I'm not alone and that it does indeed get better.
 
#13 ·
It really does get better.


My first was very colicky. She has a happy personality, but she was so miserable for hours at a time when she was itty bitty. She wasn't terribly gassy or anything, just colicky. I cut out dairy from my diet when she was about 3 months old and it turned out that was a factor. The screaming colic pretty much went away within two days, although she turned out to still have a fussy period in the later afternoon. But it was *nothing* like it had been. By six months, even that was pretty much done. (She decided that was a good time for a nap, instead!)

Hang in there.
 
#15 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post
All my friends who had recently had babies had these happy babies that just smiled all the time, rarely cried etc etc..mine knew how to smile, she did smile occasionally, but most of the time, she cried. And cried. And cried.I just kept feeling that this was just not how it was supposed to be with a baby, you are supposed to enjoy them, but I just couldn't, it was so hard to enjoy all that screaming.
this was us.. totally. all the way.
i am battle hardened.
It was terrible.. dd did get better around 6 months for real, though.
part of our problem was food intolerances. we never figured out what exactly it was, just eliminating dairy works for lots of people, though. dig around on the allergies forum on mdc and you'll find some info about that.
It does get better. Just breathe and take each moment at a time. Try the happiest baby stuff, if you can still swaddle.
In retrospect, now that I know we had what is known as a high needs baby, I've been shuffling through books at work that come in, and in some of the ones about gifted children, it really seems as though that's the babyhood of lots (and of course not all) gifted or highly intelligent children. at least that is the story i like to tell myself at this point as we think about ttc number 2...

oh, and.. dd is an amazing, happy baby now. especially now that she's mobile. she is chirpy.. sings to herself, smiley all the time, outgoing and friendly. totally worth the wait
Your instincts may be correct in that it's largely frustration with wanting to interact with the world. Facilitate that as much as you can (sounds like you are) and just hang on!
i told a friend the other day that I really think some of her problem also was that she just did NOT want to be/enjoy being a tiny helpless baby. Her will is that strong. Her personality now seems to reinforce that idea.
 
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