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Spirited babies group-September

2K views 56 replies 11 participants last post by  mrs.t 
#1 ·
Hi all! This thread is for anyone who feels she is a Mama to a spirited (high needs) baby. If anyone can think of a good name for our group, please post your suggestion!

I'll start with an intro, please do the same! I'm Raina, mom to Kevin, who is 5 mos. He has been intense since birth. He was colicky for the first 3.5-4 months, always wanting to be held, nursed, or walked in a stroller. He HAD to be swaddled to sleep. He hates the sling, he'll tolerate a baby bjorn (I don't think he liked being so confined in the sling). Now, he's becoming extremely independent, and when he doesn't get his way he screams or squeals until someone helps him out. He is a pretty good sleeper but he still nurses 3 times a night or more. He absolutely has to have 3 naps a day or he's a mess. However, he has a huge smile and he's totally magnetic. Other people constantly stop me, complete strangers usually, and tell me how alert and bright he is.

I really appreciate his determination. I have to say, there have been times where I have been at a loss as far as how to be a good Mom to him. Those newborn days were really trying, I felt like I didn't know how to comfort him. He's easier to read now, but he's constantly changing. My biggest issue with him lately is that he's nursing a ton at night but not during the day because he's too "busy" to be bothered with eating. It's so frustrating!

Anyway, hope to get to know you other Mamas better!
 
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#2 ·
I just said to dh today that I wonder if ds is high-needs, not just all colicky. He HATES to be down. Wants held. He'll now give me 20 min in the exersaucer (that is a good day) unless he sees me walk in the room. He hates the stroller. Usually hates his carseat-he arches so bad I have to hold his tummy down to strap the snaps. He wants to nurse all night long and won't usually go even 3 hrs between feeds even at night. He wakes screaming every time. He's a sloppy nurser, fussy, gassy, archy. I know there's some tummy things and stuff going on but I just don't think that's all of it. He fights sleep and when he's upset he screams and ear-piercing headache-giving scream. It's exhausting.

What you're saying about nursing a ton at night; I've been wondering if that's part of his issue-that there's too much else going on. He reminds me the most of dd1 who stopped sleeping anywhere but in her crib by 5 months and to nurse I'd have to take her in a dark quiet room or she wouldn't eat. And, I hear you about the newborn days. I was glad in a way that I had a c-section because not only did I get to just sit around holding him, I got out of having to bounce him to stop the crying!!!
 
#3 ·
*raises hand* Hi, my name is PJ and I'm the mother of a strong-willed, highly spirited little boy called Max.
Just last week I made a thread in one of my desperate moments, we'd had a few "hard" days in a row and I was so fed up. link here to read my backstory
Someone recommended this thread to me:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1179347
It's the High Needs Baby Tribe that was started in January. It has 8 pages already and it's taking me days to get through it but I'm reading it all. It's just as well to start a new one here and now, but thought I'd add the link to the old one as some of you may be interested to read the other stories already out there. I am getting a lot of support just by reading it; knowing I'm not alone and there's nothing "wrong" with our boy.

I always assumed with Max it was colic, which differs from "high needs" in that it is more of a phase. (In the Sears Baby Book he has separate sections on each) He is almost 4 months old though, and if the extreme fussiness and screaming fits continue much beyond that then I guess it's not just colic. But, it has gotten progressively better starting around 9 weeks which is characteristic of colic. Last week when I made that thread he'd been having a little "regression". I also looked at Dr. Sears' 12 features of a high needs baby, and Max meets only 8 of them, so I guess he'd be 75% high needs
We shall see over time if he mellows out with age or he's just the kind of kid to protest very loudly and be hard to please. Reading through all the stories in other threads I see that some high needs babies do grow out of it, and some go on to be high needs their whole childhoods. But almost all mamas say it does get easier, so take heart!

Thanks for starting this new thread and I'll be reading it all and so grateful for the support! Big hug to all you high-needs mamas out there, ours is a trial by fire for sure!!
 
#4 ·
P.J, I could have written that post that you linked as your backstory. I actually did write one about what seemed like colic regression to me. My DS did the same thing as yours, he was really bad until about 9 weeks, then he had this awesome period of being really good, then he went back to being horribly colicky around 15 weeks. The only thing I have come up with to date is that he had his DTaP and immediately became fussy again after that. I really didn't want to blame it on that, but it was just too much of a coincidence for me.
Anyway, what has worked for us is a very loose schedule. I don't like the idea of scheduling feedings because I BF, so I continue to feed on demand, or if he hasn't eaten in 3 hours I feed him. Don't know if you BF but block nursing seemed to help the tummy issues he had. Also, I realized that he has. to. nap. 3 times a day, or every 2 hours. If he doesn't he becomes a screaming, fussing disaster. He totally would NOT nap for a long time. DH started this thing he calls "family nap time" where we all would lie down in our king size bed and we would snuggle him if he seemed like he wanted it or I would nurse him in the side lying position. Even if he didn't sleep he would get some quiet time that way. After a while it seemed to induce sleepiness. Now, if I lie down with him on our bed, he will fall asleep and then I can do some minor chores like throw some laundry in or something. He will typically stay asleep for about 45 mins per nap, sometimes longer. Trust me, I used to try bouncing him, singing to him, massage...nothing worked. For some reason, this did. Now his fussiness is much more manageable.

Also, when he turned 4 months old he decided to take a pacifier. We had tried it on and off because he had a really intense need to suck, but hated the pacifier. He would scream and spit it out and gag. Out of desperation one day, I was just so tired of bouncing and trying to calm him that I saw the pacifier and tried it. He immediately took it and fell asleep. Now he uses it when he falls asleep, he's not obsessed with it during the day and usually will take it or leave it, but for naps and night time it's been a lifesaver. If you would have told me he would want it a month ago I would have laughed.

I guess the only thing I have learned to be true about DS so far is that he is constantly changing. If you think something won't work, try it again. If he hates something one day, he might love it the next. He's totally unpredictable!
 
#5 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by mrs.t View Post
Anyway, what has worked for us is a very loose schedule. I don't like the idea of scheduling feedings because I BF, so I continue to feed on demand, or if he hasn't eaten in 3 hours I feed him. Don't know if you BF but block nursing seemed to help the tummy issues he had. Also, I realized that he has. to. nap. 3 times a day, or every 2 hours. If he doesn't he becomes a screaming, fussing disaster. He totally would NOT nap for a long time. DH started this thing he calls "family nap time" where we all would lie down in our king size bed and we would snuggle him if he seemed like he wanted it or I would nurse him in the side lying position. Even if he didn't sleep he would get some quiet time that way. After a while it seemed to induce sleepiness. Now, if I lie down with him on our bed, he will fall asleep and then I can do some minor chores like throw some laundry in or something. He will typically stay asleep for about 45 mins per nap, sometimes longer. Trust me, I used to try bouncing him, singing to him, massage...nothing worked. For some reason, this did. Now his fussiness is much more manageable.
Yeah, naps are also crucial for Max, and we have family naps too! My hubby is a big napper and so he goes down with the baby when he can, and on weekends we usually get in one or two really big long family naps. We love it, and it's the ONLY time Max will nap for more than 45 minutes!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by mrs.t View Post
Also, when he turned 4 months old he decided to take a pacifier. We had tried it on and off because he had a really intense need to suck, but hated the pacifier. He would scream and spit it out and gag. Out of desperation one day, I was just so tired of bouncing and trying to calm him that I saw the pacifier and tried it. He immediately took it and fell asleep. Now he uses it when he falls asleep, he's not obsessed with it during the day and usually will take it or leave it, but for naps and night time it's been a lifesaver. If you would have told me he would want it a month ago I would have laughed.

I guess the only thing I have learned to be true about DS so far is that he is constantly changing. If you think something won't work, try it again. If he hates something one day, he might love it the next. He's totally unpredictable!
Well that's encouraging. Max is the same, in that he will.not.take the pacifier. We have tried about 6 different kinds, and we now know the ones he prefers, but so far he never sucks for more than about a minute, and rarely can really hold it in by his sucking. But we are pretty tenacious in continuing to try. Normally I would not even want to use a paci, and especially not try so hard if baby wasn't into it, but we are pretty desperate for anything that Max could use to help calm him down when he gets all worked up into a fuss, and/or for sleep. I was recently wondering when it would be time to just give up and stop trying, but I figure at least not for a few more months.

I have also been trying, as of last week, forward facing carries in the Moby. Max loves it, it keeps him much better occupied while I go about my business. This morning he was laughing every time I washed something in the sink, he found it just so funny! But I am not fond of the FF carries I've tried in the Moby, and it has been killing my back. So today I ordered a Pikkolo, which is supposedly good and easy for FF carries. I also found that when we go on walks, it helps to keep talking to him and showing him stuff. He was very amused today on our walk when I was brushing my hand against various bushes. It really kept him from fussing ~ he often loves our walks but usually does end up fussing at some point, and that usually leads to all-out crying. All our neighbors know Max either from hearing him cry when we're home (I've had ladies from two streets over tell me they can hear it....luckily they took pity on me and were very nice + understanding about it), or as we walk by with him yelling and protesting.


So, anyone have any other tips or tricks what helps your baby stay relaxed and calm?
 
#6 ·
Joining in:

My baby, Sam, is about three months old. He fits about 1/2 of the "high needs" criteria, so hugs to those of you with an even more challenging baby. "Draining" and "demanding" probably sum it up the best. We haven't had colic, which I'm grateful for. He's quite happy, so long as we do it his way.

I often have felt very drained this summer, as it was too hot to wear him on long walks and he HATES the pram. Screaming fit hated it. Now that it's a little cooler, I get him in it for half the walk, then wear him for the other half. Seems a decent compromise, because I will in fact, go insane if I can't leave the house. I usually don't have a car during the week (1 car family).

He also was an incredibly frequent feeder (I'm talking 17-18 times a day here), which was really tough on me emotionally. It's starting to even out to about every two hours, which seems like a frickin' vacation, let me tell you.

He's always been active (though not hyperactive) and alert from day one. He's really interested in everything. I took him to the library today, which is typical, but we ventured into the kid's section today. I had assumed he was too young, but he had a nice time looking around and we read a story. Plus, we took home some board books for later. Think I will make this a twice a week thing. I got the idea from my bf mom's group. He's always so mellow there, because he just likes looking around.
 
#7 ·
Luna just turned three months and is very spirited! I kinda laugh because all of the traits that frustrate the crap out of me are the same traits that I value in myself! She is very determined and knows what she wants!!! She is intense!

She was high needs from the start. I just never knew it! She had/has colic (hopefully we are nearing the end) and is just fussy. I can't leave the house because she hates her car seat, her carrier, and her stroller. We can walk somewhere if I hold her, but it has been incredibly hot this summer, and we both end up drenched. Just recently, she has started letting my husband hold her. She still won't let anyone hold her for more than a minute. She was born so alert, and has remained that way. I don't believe in reincarnation, but I swear Luna has an old soul! She never wanted to be a newborn. She won't let you carry her like a newborn. We rarely get to cradle her, or rock her. She wants to see the world! She will turn out from you! I remember seeing on other baby boards how their babies would only make fleeting eye contact. Luna has made intense eye contact since the day she was born! It's like she is looking into your soul. She "talks" a lot, and wants to crawl and stand. She has to be entertained constantly! My grandma asked if I could just put her on a blanket and let her play while I did things. I looked at her to see if she was serious!! I didn't even know other babies did that!!

She is also a horrible sleeper. She squirms the entire night, almost like she is running in her sleep. Hopefully she grows out of this! I am tired of getting kicked all night. She only wants to be soothed a certain way, and if you don't do it fast enough, all hell will break loose!

I know things will get easier, especially since I am a new mom and new at parenting. It sure is hard right now though! Sometimes I feel like I am going to lose my mind. Plus, I am tired of the constant criticism and critiques. Luna just has a strong personality. I know its not my parenting (fingers crossed) but people look at me when she doesn't want to be held or screams. So frustrating!
 
#8 ·
I'm planning to read all of these posts and links when I can. But, I had to look up the 12 features of a high-needs baby. Mine is ALL 12. I am NOT kidding. I remember when he was about 36 hrs old. I had had a c-section and he was screaming. The nurse came in, tried comforting him and I went "Oh, I bet he's poopy". She could not believe that it was true. Sure enough, he was poopy. She cleaned him and he immediately settled. I have never seen a day old baby complain about a dirty diaper before. Even in utero, I said he reminded me of my oldest child who is adhd. I have fans in all the rooms because they wake up to Everything. Wow. I had thought this was colic for so long. It wasn't until this last week that I went "Oh, maybe there's more to it!".

Looking forward to swapping stories and realizing my babe is perfectly normal, just has a spirited personality!
 
#9 ·
Well hi all. My high needs baby didn't meet the criteria until she hit four months. I should have known as she entered the world with a scream despite beign born into the most peaceful atmosphere ever:p She seemed very mellow but looking back there were many hints. She has most of the qualities linked here. Sigh. It's been very rough as I've been working parttime and dh is having such a hard time with her. We have a hard time going anywhere as she SCREAMS every time we put her into the carseat. My kids are miserable in the car with her as we homeschool and are on the road a lot.

I already have one spirited child so I'm finding myself a little scared at the thought of two! Yikes. I need to be working on some re-framing.
 
#10 ·
Hello to all the recently joined mamas and babes!


Quote:

Originally Posted by LeaPea View Post
Luna just turned three months and is very spirited! I kinda laugh because all of the traits that frustrate the crap out of me are the same traits that I value in myself!
Same thing here! DH mocks me for it all the time, but Max is actually just like me in most of these things. So often when I complain to DH about some challenging characteristic of Max, he replies with "Gee I wonder where he got that from?"

It's funny but I only found out once we realized Max was colicky that I was also a colic baby. I had no idea! But I had my parents on the same program lol!
It does help me to be more understanding though. Like how can I expect him to be other than he is, especially when I understand how it is to be that way? And yes, ultimately, they are good qualities that I am grateful to have and that I'm glad he has.
 
#11 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by P.J. View Post
Same thing here! DH mocks me for it all the time, but Max is actually just like me in most of these things. So often when I complain to DH about some challenging characteristic of Max, he replies with "Gee I wonder where he got that from?"

It's funny but I only found out once we realized Max was colicky that I was also a colic baby. I had no idea! But I had my parents on the same program lol!
It does help me to be more understanding though. Like how can I expect him to be other than he is, especially when I understand how it is to be that way? And yes, ultimately, they are good qualities that I am grateful to have and that I'm glad he has.
Same thing here! The kid I get along with the least is dd1 who is like a spitting image of me. I was a horribly colicky baby and my parents always wanted more kids til they had me (I'm the 2nd & baby of the family).

DS2 has reminded me of dd1 since in utero-CRAZY! At least I was prepared.

GreenTeaGinger: I'm in the same boat as you, homeschooling with 4 kids and a screamer. When they've woken him before I've threatened to leave them in the room with him as punishment! "Don't wake a sleeping baby" can't get any more true for those of us with high-needs babies!

Hannah32: I get the activeness! My friends have joked about how when you lift DS up his little legs just start running!

May we all have a peaceful night of sleep tonight!
 
#12 ·
Same here with being like her mama. My other high need lady is my clone as well. A little frightening to think we're going to have three of us around
I know that this intensity will serve them well later but boy do I feel for my mom now (I was also a colicky baby and likely had (have) sensory processing issues).

The homeschooling makes it tough because she's so demanding and I'm spreading myself very thin to make sure everyone is getting what they need. It's more than just the car rides but trying to help the kids and having her lose it. But the other kids are gaining new skills (like independence and patience)!

R is active too. When I wear her in the sling, she swings her legs the whole time. She's starting to hate the sling. She doesn't like the restrictive feeling I think. Anyone else going through this?
 
#13 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by momto4plus4 View Post
My friends have joked about how when you lift DS up his little legs just start running!
Haha, we were just having a good laugh last night at dinner as we passed Max from DH to me and he was dangling over the table for a second and his legs were so busy running, it was so funny!

Quote:

Originally Posted by GreenTeaGinger61 View Post

R is active too. When I wear her in the sling, she swings her legs the whole time. She's starting to hate the sling. She doesn't like the restrictive feeling I think. Anyone else going through this?
We have a big issue with this. In general Max can only be restricted~ in arms, in the bouncy chair, in a carrier or wrap, even swaddled~ for a limited time. And when he's had enough oh boy does he let everyone within earshot know it! Last night on our evening walk, as usual he started squirming and fighting being in the Ergo, and I started trotting and he immediately started laughing and enjoying the bouncing of it. I added in some twirls and he was having a ball! So, at least for that one particular walk, I had a new trick that worked until we got home (and I must have looked quite the fool prancing and spinning around on the street, but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do right?).
 
#14 ·
Sam has never been swaddle friendly, but we're going to give it another go. There's a Miracle Blanket on its way to my house. I'll try it after we change him into pjs and settle down on the couch to nurse to sleep. I'm hoping he'll accept it.

Sunday and Monday nights were rough, but last night was better. I swear he woke up ready to play at 4 am on Monday. It's probably that he's starting to babble more. The mind is getting more active. There are benefits to this though. He played *by himself* on the playmat for 35 minutes this morning.
 
#15 ·
Rowena never took to the swaddle (another early sign). LOL about the prancing! Rowena is the same way, and I'll often be in line at a store swaying to soothe her
I'm for whatever works! I'm just bummed that she's starting to fight it because it was useful for getting things done around here!
 
#16 ·
Wow, I can't believe how alike our babes are! Kevin is constantly in motion. When he was in the womb he was a madman! At my prenatal appointments the nurses would get surprised when he kicked the doppler. And they were nurses to my midwife who did this all day! That's when I knew I had a different baby. His new thing is swinging his arms All. the. time. While he's nursing, while he's laying down, sitting up, he pumps his arms up and down. DH and I are like, what the heck is this?

Kevin loved swaddling but ONLY when he was asleep. I had to wait for him to fall asleep, then ever so gently swaddle him. He would sleep for hours this way, but as soon as he woke up he would raise his legs and then kick the bed with both feet together so I knew he was awake and not loving the swaddle anymore. About 4 weeks ago I swaddled him for bed and he would not stay asleep, so I took him out of it and he's been fine without it ever since. He HATES the sling. The baby bjorn is the only one he likes because he can move his legs and arms around in it.

Also, anyone else here have an "uncuddly" baby? Kevin wanted to be held a lot, but held in standing position, or sitting position. He never molded himself into my body and snuggled up next to me.

Finally, he is a fidgety nurser! He's always kicking, grabbing, pulling, etc. Last night I swear he was trying to climb me while nursing! It was kind of funny...

The only thing I don't have in common with you all is being a high needs baby myself. I was not, and from what my MIL says, neither was my husband. She says my SIL was really bad, sounds worse that my DS by FAR. So maybe it is genetic in a way.

I love this group! Makes me feel so much better, like I do have a "normal" baby!
 
#17 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by mrs.t View Post
Also, anyone else here have an "uncuddly" baby? Kevin wanted to be held a lot, but held in standing position, or sitting position. He never molded himself into my body and snuggled up next to me.
This is Luna!!!! Everyone tries to hold her like a snuggly newborn, and she is not having it! She has always wanted to be held in the sitting position or standing position. She will only let me hold her closely when she is ready to go to sleep or eat! I hate it! Especially whenever anyone else tries to hold her, then they look at me like something is wrong with my baby. I swear she is an old soul who was born ready for the world and is frustrated by her current limitations!

And, Luna cannot be confined. I had someone tell me once that every baby likes to be worn. Ummm....no they don't! Not mine anyways! I have tried every carrier possible, and all are a no go. Hopefully when she sit face forward she will like a few.

She is also super active. She moves all night long!! I can't get any sleep cause she kicks and squirms all night.
 
#18 ·
Rowena will cuddle with me when sleeping but that's it. She likes to be on me but either sitting or standing to see the action.

I'm curious abput those of you who have more than one...is this the spirited baby? I have four and my son was what I would term "high needs" until he hit about nine months (he had colic for three long months) and then he chilled out. He's totally chilled now at ten. My middle was spirited and still is. She did not have colic though and I could usually calm her down but dh could not. Even with me it didn't always work. She was a lot like R...moving a lot, observant, intense, etc. My second daughter was totally chilled and still is.

We were thinking about one more but wowsers I don't know if I'll have it in me after this one!
 
#19 ·
Quote:
We were thinking about one more but wowsers I don't know if I'll have it in me after this one!
Kevin is my first, second for DH, and I said I would never have another baby after him! Now that he is chilling out a little I am thinking I need at least 2 years before I can consider it.
 
#20 ·
My oldest was NOT a snuggler at all. She was & is high-needs but, besides the colic, was low-energy for the first 3 years. Seriously, it's like she took everything in, hit 3 and then exploded! She has been non-stop since. I wore her in a sling & nursed her until she was 3. Nursing and wearing her was about the only time I could get her to stop long enough to snuggle. She still can't sit still. It's like, she wants to snuggle but can't make her body stop.

All others have been snuggly and liked being worn-YEAH!

DS1 was high-needs but I think it was more because of his medical issues. He's a super-mellow, shy kid.

DS2 on the other hand-is just a handful! He is my difficult nurser but we're looking into tongue/lip-ties now. My friend watched him nurse last week and called him a "combat-nurser". She had one too. It's like they're fighting, pushing, kicking, pulling, arching, rolling, etc, etc, etc the whole time. Laying in bed is the best way but not definate. I do have to say thought that DD1, my other high-needs babe, quit nursing unless I was in a dark quiet room by around 5 months. We didn't even have any other kids. She just wanted to see everything going on around her.

DS2 fought sleep for an hr during my daughter's 2-hr testing today. I walked the halls with him and had people walk by going "Awww, poor baby" (no, poor momma!), or "He's still crying?" (yep, pretty typical). Finally conked out but he only sleeps up to 1/2 hr if not at home!!!

He still had a better day.
 
#21 ·
So, we've been having a string of "good" days here.
I've noticed we have like 4 good days, then 2 or 3 "bad" ones. But they always come in a row like that. Later today we take Max for a Craniosacral appointment. Honestly though I am pretty convinced all his fussing is part of his personality and I somehow doubt Cranio will make a difference. Still, his birth was a tough one and I want to make sure, if possible, that any lingering physical or spiritual/emotional trauma is addressed.

So what I wanted to ask you ladies is about how you deal with those hard days. The days where nothing works and the baby is just fussing and crying and whining and screaming all.day.long. I am curious how you all take care of yourselves spiritually/mentally/emotionally in order not to just lose it. I find the main qualities being cultivated by being the mom of a HN baby are patience and containing frustration and anger. But I have to admit that on those hard days I feel like I have failed, like I reach my limits so fast. So what do you all do to extend your rope, so to speak, so that you don't reach the end of it so soon?

I know more than once I have found myself yelling right back at Max when he has been yelling and complaining all day long. And then I hate myself for having lost it, even if just for a moment. And then I worry about the damage I'm doing when that happens. It really sucks. But I know that on those days after some time I just find myself so annoyed and it's such a challenge to keep my cool because it's like nothing works

I once left Max crying on the floor and went into the next room and screamed into a pillow, so that was I suppose healthier than yelling at him. But I hope to find ways to stay calm in the midst of his storms. BTW I have been a meditator for about 8 years now, and I find a lot of truth and solace in the teachings of Eckhart Tolle. It's all about finding inner peace, and the true test comes in moments like that when the outside situation is anything but peaceful. Still I feel like an utter failure when it gets really intense and I snap. I notice it has a lot to do with where I'm at and when I am feeling good and strong in myself I have so much more space to handle Max's intensity, but when I'm grumpy or upset or off balance, I have very little space for it. I'm human too and I can't be expected to have all "good" days myself, kwim? I just know I have a ways to go and a lot to learn, and I see that being Max's mama is calling me to transform into a much more peaceful, calm, accepting person.

I wrote this on a "good" day so that I can say it with some distance and it's not just a rant. I am really curious what you mamas have found to help you keep your cool or how you handle those moments when the baby has been fussing all day and you just want to scream.
 
#22 ·
PJ: It's not easy. I think it's much harder when your HN one is a firstborn. I was a wreck with dd1. That said, I was also under tremendous stress and had undiagnosed PPD (2 drs blew me off). I have found myself able to be more in control now but I still, like this morning, find myself yelling at him, rarely, but still.

When my daughter was 3 wks old, it was the first time I "understood" how someone could hurt their baby. She was crying and crying. I asked dh for a break (middle of the night) and he said he couldn't. He found us both crying later. It was a scary moment for me. I've understood the desire to just throw them to make them stop. Understanding that, even in it's warped and scary and horrible way, has made me more attentive to my emotions. I have to go inside myself and think about what is happening, what I'm feeling and how I could handle it.

Sometimes, I just have to put him in his swing or crib, turn on the fan, shut the door and walk away. I mean, even for 20 minutes. I have learned, by number 4, that it won't hurt him. In fact, when I get to that point, it is helping him. I can them regain control, peace and patience in order to go in and comfort him, to be able to see that beautiful child that I love so very much instead of just the response from the screaming.

I have been working at lowering my expectations. My house is a mess. My older 3 have to be more self-sufficient. But, you know what? It's okay. This time is only a moment and I know that the more peaceful I am, the better my kids will be.

All of that said, I have bad days. I mean really bad days. Where I put him down and go and cry and cry and scream and yell. Or like today when he was fighting getting the reflux meds when I yelled his name which obviously made him scream more. I have worked at forgiving myself also. What I did today, while wasn't the best, didn't endanger his life. We'll both be okay. And, harping on myself, feeling guilty, doesn't improve the situation. It just makes me feel worse about myself which makes me less patient in general which makes me less patient with him. I think self-care is extremely important for moms of HN babes.

That was a lot of rambling but your post just really hit me and I want you to know you're not alone. Sometimes it's scary to share how we really feel, especially with those who haven't btdt, so I'm proud of you for being able to share.
 
#23 ·
Hey all! I am a new mama Maxwell
He was born on April 5, 2010...fussy right from the start! The whole time he was in the hospital with me he was very fussy. He ended up being in the NICU for a few days for a breathing issue and bf-ing didn't get off to a very good start, but we stuck with it after a very long time trying to get the latch thing going and now he's a bf-ing champion! I have a low supply so we do have to supplement a little bit. Anyway, he was colicky for the first couple of months and it has gone straight from that to intense teething mode (even though it feels like forever for his teeth to actually arrive on the surface) and he is super high-needs! Wow! His screams are intense. He's gone through stages of liking a ring sling and liking the beco, it seems like he never likes both at once though. Right now its the sling. The only thing I can get him to sleep with in the past week. He was taking lots of naps and sleeping through the night which was fabulous- no complaining there! For the past week or so he has been hardly napping at all. Or will fall asleep in my arms or the sling and as soon as I transfer him to the crib he immediately wakes and starts his crying routine.

This is hard, isn't it? I love my little Maxeroo so much. I just wish I could keep him happy throughout the day! When will this get easier?
 
#24 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by P.J. View Post
So what I wanted to ask you ladies is about how you deal with those hard days. The days where nothing works and the baby is just fussing and crying and whining and screaming all.day.long. I am curious how you all take care of yourselves spiritually/mentally/emotionally in order not to just lose it. I find the main qualities being cultivated by being the mom of a HN baby are patience and containing frustration and anger. But I have to admit that on those hard days I feel like I have failed, like I reach my limits so fast. So what do you all do to extend your rope, so to speak, so that you don't reach the end of it so soon?
I have a little Max, too! And I am in the same boat. I also had a pretty rough time with ppd up until a few days ago when I got my period (I was NOT happy about that, haha) for the first time since I found out I was pregnant) and all of a sudden in vanished. Don't get me wrong, I still get super stressed out, but in a different way. I don't feel like I need to sit and stare off into space for hours on end so thats good. Honestly, i have no idea what to do about Max's fussiness. Dp and I both work and we work opposite shifts so we don't see a whole lot of each other these days but we try to be respectful of each other's schedules so lately he has been on Calm the Baby patrol when he's home so I can sleep and vise versa. Which is impossible- there's almost no chance of calm ever happening but I feel good knowing that at least we're responsive to him even if that just means holding him while he freaks out. I feel like I'm on the brink of losing it ALL THE TIME so I don't really have any advice, but I do understand completely! I also think its just his personality, he's wants to be close, be comforted, feel secure. I'm always mentally beating myself up over it because I am a very high strung person also, by nature, which drives me crazy honestly, and I wonder sometimes if his constant moods are a result of mine during pregnancy or in general. I doubt it though. I literally cannot put Max down for even a second without a tearfest. Its constant. All of the time. ALWAYS. I'm hesitant to take him anywhere most of the time or have people over because I'm afraid he will start freaking out and I won't be able to calm him down and people will think I'm a bad mother.

Anyway, I did read a bit about how when some babies are born their brains are compressed, especially if they have quick births (Labor was 36 hours but he wasn't really even engaged until the last 3 hours and then, poof, he was out, his head was severely mishapen and bruised from such a quick delivery at the end. And apparently that can have long term effects on them which may impact their moods....is that the kind of the thing you are going to that appt for? I'm really curious about it and I'm will to try almost anything now...I'd love to hear how it goes and know more about it!
 
#25 ·
The hard days are so hard! I just focus on getting through 'til her next nap. I have lost it a few times and it sucks!! I remember screaming at the top of my lungs in the next room to relieve some stress. It made me feel better, but also crazy! I have definitely cried while holding my crying daughter. It can be so draining emotionally and physically. I remember crying once and thinking maybe I wasn't cut out for motherhood. I felt so defeated. I just have to keep reminding myself that it will get better in time. I think it helps to remember its not anything any of us are doing wrong, we just have kids with more challenging personalities. Luna is my first, but I have a brother that is 14 years younger than me and he was high needs. We couldn't put him down for a second or he would scream! He couldn't sleep without being on someone. We used to call him "Backpack" because he would wrap his legs around your waist and arms around your neck to sleep. He grew out of it though and is such a caring and loving teenager now.

I think high needs babies just know what they need. I wasn't a high needs baby at all. My dad said he could take me anywhere and they would forget I was there! It was great for them, but I was easily forgotten and my needs weren't met. I never demanded the attention!

I can totally relate to this too:

Quote:
When my daughter was 3 wks old, it was the first time I "understood" how someone could hurt their baby. She was crying and crying. I asked dh for a break (middle of the night) and he said he couldn't. He found us both crying later. It was a scary moment for me. I've understood the desire to just throw them to make them stop. Understanding that, even in it's warped and scary and horrible way, has made me more attentive to my emotions. I have to go inside myself and think about what is happening, what I'm feeling and how I could handle it.
To make sure my needs are met now, I make sure to talk to my husband about giving me some time off, even if its just for a few minutes. I definitely had to talk to him about helping out more with our daughter because it is so draining. I went and had a beer with a friend the other day and left my daughter with my husband. It was great to get out! Plus, it was great for my husband to see what I go through everyday. I also try to take my daughter outside everyday if I get the chance so neither of us feels so confined. I also try to be forgiving to myself. I am going to make a lot of mistakes, and probably have a lot of regrets.

Hopefully this makes some sense!
 
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