Good advice for my mom while visiting her DIL and new baby? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 10-02-2010, 09:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
LuckyMommaToo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,523
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My brother and his wife are due to have their first any day now! My mom lives two hours away. J (my SIL) has said my mom is welcome to come as soon as they call.

I told my mom, make sure you don't just hold the baby. Offer to do laundry, cook and freeze a lasagna (or other food), run to the store. Is there anything else? She has generally a good relationship with B&SIL, but doesn't feel as comfortable in their house. (Like, she's never cooked there.)

Anything else?

Momma to 8 y.o. DS and 5 y.o. DD. Married to a Maker!

LuckyMommaToo is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 10-02-2010, 11:03 PM
 
LittleBirdy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Vacationland
Posts: 791
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Is she nursing? If so, figure out where her nursing "spot" is and make sure everything nearby is dusted. I know it's small, but I spent the first 2-3 weeks of DS's life staring at my dusty coffee table and wanting to cry. I sat in the same spot on the couch to nurse and it bugged me so much knowing that I didn't even have time to dust the freaking coffee table - any free time I had was taken up by getting the chance to pee, bathe, eat or sleep.

And I don't know what your SIL is like, or the dynamics of the relationship, but people always asked what they could do and I had a really hard time telling them. I most appreciated people who just did things without asking. Like my SIL, who came over the day DS was born and because we were all asleep, tidied the whole downstairs while she waited for us to wake up.

Probably the worst thing people did was offer to hold the baby while I slept. I couldn't sleep without him in the room, and then when I got him back he always smelled like other people and it used to irritate the hell out of me. Maybe that's just me though

Mumma to DS July 2010 and expecting another baby boy late July 2012 belly.gif

LittleBirdy is offline  
Old 10-03-2010, 12:00 AM
 
bella99's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 418
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would second the laundry and general cleaning up, but also, in regards to the cooking, making things your mom knows she likes.

I had my only meltdown (crying, a little bit of yelling) when my daughter was 5-6 days old, because there were four grandparents at my house and no one was doing the laundry or general cleaning (vaccuming, moping, bathrooms, etc.). My husband went back to work so that when our parents left he could take time then and it could just be us, so it was me and the grandparents.

They were so focused on the baby that they only got helpful when I started doing my own laundry and crying about how they were in my way and not being helpful.
bella99 is offline  
Old 10-03-2010, 12:24 AM
 
2xand2y's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 246
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
First, I just want to say "YES!" to everyone else's posts. Housekeeping is so wonderful. She should offer to hold the baby if it would allow your SIL to shower, pee, sleep, whatever but not insist on it. Another big one for me would have been someone to screen calls. I wanted everyone to know about the baby but I didn't necessarily want to tell them myself. That person could announce visiting hours (only if they had been agreed upon in advance with SIL), and coordinate offers of help and food.
2xand2y is offline  
Old 10-03-2010, 12:31 AM
 
nola79's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: chocolate city
Posts: 1,892
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I agree with the pps. Also, she could offer to hold the baby while your
SIL takes a nap. That helped me tremendously with my 1st.
nola79 is offline  
Old 10-03-2010, 12:55 AM
 
carmel23's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 5,156
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
and just be prepared for any kind of emotions, and don't take it personally.

what an awesome mother you have!

 hh2.gif  ~~~~~~~~~~hh2.gif
 

carmel23 is offline  
Old 10-03-2010, 01:23 AM
 
Peace+Hope's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,152
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
don't ask the mom anything if she can help it, like "where is" or "how do you"....

ask the new dad and assume her version of a clean floor/toilet/etc will be better than what's currently being done.

don't ask about every task/meal, but have one conversation at the beginning and then be confident and take initiative to get things done!

one thing i did for my sister when i was there for a week PP was make sure she had a bowl of fresh, prepped fruit and water by her all day long, and at night before she went to bed. she talks about it all the time now

so wonderful, your mom doing this!

me+him for 15 yrs, welcomed our little one march 25th, 2010.

Peace+Hope is offline  
Old 10-03-2010, 01:37 AM
 
ChocolateNummies's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 391
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
How long is she staying? If it's just a short day visit then either bring food already prepped, assembled, ready-to-cook in a container that doesn't need to be returned or she should make sure she cleans up after meal prep at sil's house. It may sound obvious but my MIL, bless her heart, just does.not. clean up well. She always brings food she has to finish prepping to my house, dirties the entire kitchen, then leaves it messy. I think to her it's clean but to me it's sooo not. I appreciate the food and all but it kind of takes away from it knowing I now have a dirty kitchen.

Also bring or make snacky stuff. It's so nice to be able to grab something that requires no thought or prep work on my part. Muffins, veggies and dip, cheese and crackers, cut up fruit like a pp said.

If she's staying a while, I agree with everyone else to just take initiative and do what looks like it needs doing. Also, if possible, let sil know that visiting with her is not necessary. SIL should feel free to sleep in, take a nap, shower at any time and for as long as she wants without worrying about playing hostess.

Sara:  Playing ref to my jumpers.gif    Sweet Pea 10 read.gif Tootle Pants 7 bouncy.gif& Trouble Monkey diaper.gif 18 mo

ChocolateNummies is offline  
Old 10-03-2010, 01:45 AM
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 3,262
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
When my Cecilia was first born, I didn't want to give her to anyone AT. ALL. It was part of my bonding experience with her. While SIL will probably give in and let your mom hold the baby, if it was me, I would want her to understand that I need help with everything else-- not with holding the baby. I would want her to be understanding of our need for together time so early on.

bedsharing, knitting, toddler-nursing, nerdy, babywearing mama!

familybed1.gif  knit.gif toddler.gif  geek.gif  momsling.GIF

Knitting Mama is offline  
Old 10-03-2010, 01:52 AM
 
MamaPhD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: California
Posts: 527
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cecilia's Mama View Post
When my Cecilia was first born, I didn't want to give her to anyone AT. ALL. It was part of my bonding experience with her. While SIL will probably give in and let your mom hold the baby, if it was me, I would want her to understand that I need help with everything else-- not with holding the baby. I would want her to be understanding of our need for together time so early on.

Same here. Help in all the other things like housework, food, shopping are welcome but no thanks holding the baby. I got her!

enjoying motherhood way more than science:
married to DH love.gif (2003) mama to DDenergy.gif(Nov 2008) & DSbabyf.gif   (Mar 2011)

MamaPhD is offline  
Old 10-03-2010, 01:59 AM
 
texmati's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 6,760
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
forget housework-- My 'dream MIL' would hold her tongue, and say only nice things about baby and mom. He looks cold? it's ok, she'll figure it out. He needs a hat? it's ok she'll figure it out.

After knowing how sensitive I was those first few weeks to critisim, I now just give compliments after births:

"You are doing such a wonderful job"
"you look great!"
"s/he's so sweet, looks just like you"
"awww... s/he knows his mama!"

I'm not saying to patronize her... but I'm sure that you can find something to compliment for most mom's... I'd try to focus on that instead of the lack of socks.

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

texmati is offline  
Old 10-03-2010, 02:56 AM
 
laughymama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Joplin, MO
Posts: 417
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by texmati View Post
forget housework-- My 'dream MIL' would hold her tongue, and say only nice things about baby and mom. He looks cold? it's ok, she'll figure it out. He needs a hat? it's ok she'll figure it out.

After knowing how sensitive I was those first few weeks to critisim, I now just give compliments after births:

"You are doing such a wonderful job"
"you look great!"
"s/he's so sweet, looks just like you"
"awww... s/he knows his mama!"

I'm not saying to patronize her... but I'm sure that you can find something to compliment for most mom's... I'd try to focus on that instead of the lack of socks.


This did WONDERS to my emotional state and a simple compliment or thoughtful remark would put me in a good mood for hours. I really appreciate and take it to heart when my in-laws tell me and dh how proud they are of us and what great parents they think we've become. It also made me feel really good to hear others say things like, "Oh, he/she heard you talking! He/she sure loves you, Mama!"
Admittedly, this time around I really appreciated everyone's compliments on how "healthy" "happy" and "good" I looked right after having her.
It really helps being "mothered" in small ways, even if it's with loving words. Sometimes I think new mothers are the ones who need mamas the most.

I wholeheartedly agree with just taking initiative and doing things that need to be done. I have a very hard time telling someone what I need done around the house if they ask. I don't care if it's done my way or even halfheartedly done...so long as someone is taking care of something that I don't have time to even think about right now, I'm very grateful.

Wife to a bearded dude.
Mama to DS [05/21/08] & DD [09/16/10] 43 weeks 1 day!
laughymama is offline  
Old 10-03-2010, 03:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
LuckyMommaToo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,523
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Wow - -this is great! Thanks, everyone. My littlest one is only 4, but you forget these kinds of things quickly. I can make a really great list for my mom now! Just hoping that my nephew gets here quickly and safely -- he's almost a week overdue already.
-e

Momma to 8 y.o. DS and 5 y.o. DD. Married to a Maker!

LuckyMommaToo is offline  
Old 10-03-2010, 04:05 AM
 
Oliver's Mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 960
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Have your mom ask them to keep a running list of anything they need, like groceries, laundry soap, diapers, (my mom even went shopping for nursing pads/clothes); or a trip to the post office, etc, and she can run all errands. While shopping, pick up a few vases of fresh flowers (as long as she's the one taking care of the flowers once home)
Manage a list of all the gifts and cards that come flowing in.. all those baby note thank you's are something that I felt was important to do, but was tough to make it a priority.
Help with birth announcements, whether home-made or ordering.
If she's computer savvy, offer to help email pictures, send out pictures, etc.
Offer to set-up any baby gear still in boxes
and laundry and cooking, as everyone else has mentioned

Katie,  sahm to two wild and crazy guys banana.gif (8/07) and  bouncy.gif (3/10) and their sweet new baby sister baby.gif (4-1-13) 

Oliver's Mama is offline  
Old 10-03-2010, 04:52 AM
 
treeoflife3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: tennessee/kentucky
Posts: 1,484
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
One of the things that stands out MOST for me postpartum was how GOOD my mom was with kiddo and how AWFUL I felt in comparison. My PP hormones had me feeling like such a bad mama although my logical self kept trying to remember that A) it was my first kid and I had hardly any baby experience prior B) my mom grew up with younger siblings, a million foster siblings and had two kids of her own so she was hardly short on experience and C) I was a PP stress mess whereas my mom was just grandma who didn't HAVE to worry about baby and of course babies react to stress or lack there of.

My mom wasn't completely sensitive about it so you should probably remind your mom that PP hormones can really be insane. The issue might not be about feeling like a bad mom in comparison like it was for me but there definitely could be some struggling hormonal issues that will require sensitivity and understanding.

Also, I can't express how much it pissed me off to hear what a GOOD BABY!!! my kiddo was. I was up all night and every little cry of course ripped me apart as is normal with that mom/newborn cry instinct and it certainly didn't feel like she was 'good' whatever the heck that even MEANS with a newborn. I was told stories of how HARD I was (colic) and how I should be so glad that I have it 'easy.' Yeah... your mom should probably avoid comparisons like that too hahaha.
treeoflife3 is offline  
Old 10-03-2010, 05:30 AM
 
CorasMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Standing on my head
Posts: 2,353
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by texmati View Post
forget housework-- My 'dream MIL' would hold her tongue, and say only nice things about baby and mom. He looks cold? it's ok, she'll figure it out. He needs a hat? it's ok she'll figure it out.

After knowing how sensitive I was those first few weeks to critisim, I now just give compliments after births:

"You are doing such a wonderful job"
"you look great!"
"s/he's so sweet, looks just like you"
"awww... s/he knows his mama!"

I'm not saying to patronize her... but I'm sure that you can find something to compliment for most mom's... I'd try to focus on that instead of the lack of socks.
yes to this! Our first week and a half with the baby was in Children's Hospital, and there was very little that I was able to do for the baby, but something the nurses and a few of my friends did that was awesome was to praise dh and I, and really never made us feel incompetent (we had that one covered all on our own, tyvm!)

Also, if she could find your SIL's best friends and ask them to help her organize a schedule for who in their social circle will be bringing casseroles and whatnot after your mom leaves, that would be so awesome. When we got the baby home, there was nothing so great as being able to run into the kitchen, scoop out a bowlful of whatever casserole or potato salad or whatever that our friend had brought, and get back to baby without having to think at all about food prep.

And yeah, tell your mom to really really roll with the pp emotional punches. But she should also never say to your SIL that what she's freaking out or crying about is "just" hormones. Validate but don't take anything personal.

scifi-convention runners Kate, DH Drew 11/07, DD Cora 12/97. We , ,
Welcome to baby Fiona with a giant omphalocele, 6/17/10!
CorasMama is offline  
Old 10-03-2010, 12:07 PM
 
staceychev's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jersey, the Southern one
Posts: 3,221
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Just don't act like a houseguest. My in-laws came over with DH's gmother, saying that they were coming to help out, entertain older DD, etc. Gmother sat in my nursing chair the whole time, I provided snacks and tea... They did play with DD1, but that was about it. I totally agree with the PPs who stressed the difference between saying "What can I do?" and just doing something. Sometimes, especially in that post-partum fog, coming up with a task to delegate is just as stressful. And, when it's your in-laws, it's hard to ask them to do anything.

Stacey teaching teens to read & write... Daddy plays ska, DD1 (7/05) loves trees & princesses, & DD2 (3/10) loves mommy-milk! Please get your kids tested for lead.
staceychev is offline  
Old 10-03-2010, 10:53 PM
 
Nicole730's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,666
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I didn't read all the posts - but I have a few suggestions for my own MIL (hehe)

1. Don't ask to do stuff - JUST DO IT! I don't want to hear fifty billion questions, and I honestly don't care if the dishes are put away in the "correct" spots

2. Just because I don't mind if you are in the room while I nurse, doesn't mean come over and get a close up view every time the baby latches on

3. Don't be offended if mama doesn't want to give her baby up! I had the hardest time letting anyone hold my first baby, even DH. I wanted to be attached to him nonstop.

Mama to three

Nicole730 is offline  
Old 10-03-2010, 10:56 PM
 
Nicole730's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,666
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cecilia's Mama View Post
When my Cecilia was first born, I didn't want to give her to anyone AT. ALL. It was part of my bonding experience with her. While SIL will probably give in and let your mom hold the baby, if it was me, I would want her to understand that I need help with everything else-- not with holding the baby. I would want her to be understanding of our need for together time so early on.
I didn't read this before I posted - but this was totally me! I was a little better with my second, but not much. Mostly because with my second, I sometimes had to put the baby down so I could snuggle my first.

Also, and I even told my MIL this - is I would never say yes if MIL would say, "Do you want me to hold the baby?" I won't say yes if anyone says that. Now, if someone says, "May I hold your baby (after I wash my hands)" then I will usually let them for a tiny bit.

Mama to three

Nicole730 is offline  
Old 10-04-2010, 03:15 AM
 
PatioGardener's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,993
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by texmati View Post

After knowing how sensitive I was those first few weeks to critisim, I now just give compliments after births:

"You are doing such a wonderful job"
"you look great!"
"s/he's so sweet, looks just like you"
"awww... s/he knows his mama!"
so important! My parents have never said anything nice to me about my baby or my parenting. any of the above would have been wonderful to hear (and still would be!)

also, for housework, it is better just to do it rather than to ask if something is ok to do!
PatioGardener is offline  
Old 10-04-2010, 06:09 AM
 
cloudbutterfly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 776
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think asking the new mom whether or not she'd like offers to hold the baby is a good idea, since I think it's different for every woman and there's no way to predict it ahead of time. I can understand not wanting to give your baby to someone else to hold, but for me I couldn't sleep at first unless I knew someone was holding and watching over my little guy at all times, so I really appreciated it when one of our moms offered to hold him while I napped or showered. Later, it was the only way I could ever get a few things done, and I will be forever grateful to my mother-in-law for offering to hold him while I ate every time they brought us dinner. So being up front about it (and letting the mom know it's okay to change her mind) would be best, in my opinion.

This might be kind of strange, but REALLY soft toilet paper would have been the best gift someone could have brought me in the hospital!

If they encounter any difficulties with breastfeeding, etc., offering to Google for research/mark pages in a book like The Nursing Mother's Companion might be nice. My mom did a lot of that for me. That lets the mom still make up her own mind without having to track down the info herself.

Always having water and a snack (fruit, trail mix, etc.) was really important, as was having an organized nursing nest and plenty of clean burp cloths right at hand.

Cloud, mommy to her happy little Nimbus, born 11/09!
cloudbutterfly is offline  
Old 10-04-2010, 10:16 AM
 
HappyMommy2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,796
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I agree that compliments like "you are such a good mother" feel really nice post partum!

Keeping the dishes clean (and not piled up in the sink) would be nice. There are SO many dishes when there are extra people in the house.

Keeping a list of things mama/baby needs. (Don't ask new mom to make the list) Just keep the list, add to it all day, and shop every day or two. New mom will appreciate a couple hours of you getting things done and having her house to herself.

I agree about not asking about every little thing. Just put the dishes away where-ever. (unless SIL has OCD).

Making food available is great too!

Here is what NOT to do:
- Don't look at the baby and say "oh, this is too small/big for you". Baby clothes are all either too small or big and it totally doesn't matter anyhow.

-Don't look at the baby and tell him a criticism or left-handed compliment about new mom.

-Don't keep telling new mom what to do. Like "go take a shower/nap, the baby will be fine". You can offer nicely, by letting her know that you will help whenever she wants to do those things.

If your mom asked for this list, she is already WAY ahead of the game. If you are going to give it to her uninvited, good luck!!
HappyMommy2 is offline  
Old 10-04-2010, 12:20 PM
 
tjjazzy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,213
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i think hearing anecdotes from my MIL once in a while would've been nice. instead she liked to tell me that ALL 4 of her kids slept through the night as soon as they came home from the hospital. couldn't she say things like "hey, i remember when so-and-so was just born and she did the same thing!!" or "i felt the same way!" i would've felt better hearing that she had the same problems i did or her kids did similar things.
haha and it would be nice if my mom actually believed my dh could take care of the children too. she seems to think he's a man so he can't possibly figure out how to take care of them! he gets irked when she helicopter grandmas him when he's with the kids.

wife to wonderful dh_malesling.GIF mama of three-DS1 born December 30, 2005 and DS2 born September 27, 2008 and one lovely little girl born September 7, 2011jumpers.gif

tjjazzy is offline  
Old 10-04-2010, 01:27 PM
 
texmati's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 6,760
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by PatioGardener View Post
so important! My parents have never said anything nice to me about my baby or my parenting. any of the above would have been wonderful to hear (and still would be!)

also, for housework, it is better just to do it rather than to ask if something is ok to do!

My parents are the same way... with me. They go on and on and on about how amazing my dh is with the kiddo (and he does do a lot), but I never get so much as a "wow, he's still alive! good job mama!". My mom and I are close, and have been around and around on this issue, and it just doesn't stop. It was a total confidence buster on top of everything else post partum. I promised myself then that I would always be kind to new mom's!

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

texmati is offline  
Old 10-04-2010, 01:33 PM
 
texmati's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 6,760
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I wanted to add-- in terms of nursing:

Have your mom ask or offer to leave the room. I'm all for nursing in public, but new mom nursing is often awkward and embarrassing if it's not executed perfectly.

I will always be grateful to my dad for making me feel so comfortable those first few days- I actually was staying in his house, in his bedroom, and he'd wait outside while dh, my mom, and I tried to feed DS. (yes, it really did take that many people at the beginning.

And I'll never forgive MIL for making me wait, screaming baby in arms, while she finished up "just one more thing", so I could nurse my son comfortably in the living room.

It's the primary reason she will not be here during the pp period with this baby.

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

texmati is offline  
Old 10-04-2010, 01:37 PM
 
weliveintheforest's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 5,521
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
If my MIL (or any adult woman!) were coming to visit and I had a newborn, I would hope they would do all the dishes and basic tidying up without asking me. Basically, your Mom should help out without asking, and let SIL know that she is happy to hold the baby if needed. Supportive comments are also wonderful!

This is a nice little list you could show your Mom. It doesn't totally apply since she will be staying but gets the idea across nicely!

BC Mum of four ('05, '07, '11 and 06/14!)     
weliveintheforest is offline  
Old 10-04-2010, 01:40 PM
 
weliveintheforest's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 5,521
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by CorasMama View Post

Also, if she could find your SIL's best friends and ask them to help her organize a schedule for who in their social circle will be bringing casseroles and whatnot after your mom leaves, that would be so awesome. When we got the baby home, there was nothing so great as being able to run into the kitchen, scoop out a bowlful of whatever casserole or potato salad or whatever that our friend had brought, and get back to baby without having to think at all about food prep.

And yeah, tell your mom to really really roll with the pp emotional punches. But she should also never say to your SIL that what she's freaking out or crying about is "just" hormones. Validate but don't take anything personal.

BC Mum of four ('05, '07, '11 and 06/14!)     
weliveintheforest is offline  
Old 10-04-2010, 03:37 PM
 
beep's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am more particular about my housekeeping than either mom or MIL, so for me I really wished that when they cooked, cleaned, etc. that they had made more sure to do a thorough job and put things back where they came from. With both, they would leave my kitchen what they thought was clean and then I would come along behind in the middle of the night rewashing pots and rewiping counters... I really appreciated that they helped, but for me the help added to my sense that things were out of order.

I also appreciated help with baby-holding when I wanted to do other things--but only then!
beep is offline  
Old 10-04-2010, 04:21 PM
 
Norasmomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: The sunny side of the mountains
Posts: 4,336
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Tell her she looks beautiful

I only say that because my MIL said that to me while I was in labor with DD and it made me actually feel beautiful. My MIL rocks though.

I got a lot of wonderful compliments from her, but that was the best.

Me Wife to T (14 years)Mama to Princess(4) and Monster Boy(my 1 year old ):
Norasmomma is offline  
Old 10-09-2010, 05:47 PM
 
americajane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 32
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think there are some great suggestions here! I almost want to print and mail to my friend's Moms and MIL. I have a wonderful mom and MIL but I second whomever said "don't ask where is or how do i?" For me, anyway, I didn't care if the salad was made in crock pot b/c my Mom couldn't find a salad bowl as long as I didn't have to make it. The questions all day drove me crazy! My mom did bring me up breakfast to my room and a big pitcher of water every morning after my husband came downstairs to leave for work. I had a cs and so I could only do the stairs 1x a day. And as you know, you are starving when you're BF and need to take pain meds with food. So, it was great to be in my room for the first couple of feedings of the day and have food and water. She also bought a small cooler that my husband would fill up after my parents left so that I had breakfast/snacks when I was alone. Also, my Mom, who is an amazing cook, couldn't think of anything to cook. I now have a list of ideas and recipes for her when she comes of things that we like to eat. It works great b/c she really wants to fix things that we like.
americajane is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off