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Old 10-07-2010, 11:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I hope this is ok to put here, I didnt see anywhere else it might fit.

Im a first time mom to a 6 week old. She was a month early and has already had one hospital stay (the doctors never found out what was wrong) but is now thankfully doing great.

Other than my husband, no one in my family is supportive and one person has even taking to yelling at me over how I'm raising my daughter. They all say she's spoiled from being held, that I should formula feed, and cant understand why I dont have her on a schedule/sleeping at night. Theyve also
gotten mad when I wont let them around her while theyre sick despite the fact my daughter had just been released from the hospital, either.

Ive tried explaining my reasons to them but they just wont stop and begin playing the "im the victim, you're mean" game. I want them to be apart of her life but I dont know how much more of it I can take.

Has anyone else had unsupportive family? How'd you handle it? I'd love some insight and suggestions.
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Old 10-08-2010, 04:38 PM
 
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Hey karmabat - I don't have a lot of advice, but just wanted to say that you're not alone. Dh's family sounds similar to yours and I finally just stopped making any effort. It helped a lot. The occasional family get together is stressful, but in between it's a lot easier!

You sound like you're trying to do the best thing for your baby and that's all you can do. Hang in there mama!
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Old 10-08-2010, 09:17 PM
 
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hugs! The best thing you can do is exactly what your doing! Do what feels right and makes sense to you. You are the only person out there advocating for your daughers needs! Babies should NOT sleep through the night that young, espcially a premie because they need the calories/food to keep blood sugar up and to keep gaining weight! She wakes up because she is hungry, not because she is spoiled! Studies also show that babies who are held more are smarter! Based on studies done in orphanges babies who are never held tend to not develop properly and to have lots of learning problems and emotional disorders. Being held and cuddled on demand allows baby to teach you what she needs because she can't talk. Unless its an extreme circumstance the studies all show that breast is best if you can. There is no reason to feel bad for standing by YOUR and YOUR DH decisions! You will have to stand up for your dd her whole life. Do not allow your desicions to be discusable is the best way I have found to deal with this. Period you hold your baby, she doesn't sleep through the night, she nurses on demand and that is just the way it is. Do not allow other people to make your decisions negotiable! If they try arguing/discussing just divert and tell them "sorry these are the decisions we feel are best, our pediatrician agrees. I understand you love her/us but you need to understand these things are NOT up for discussion...period." Then any time it is brought up again say something like "how bout them red sox? What was your fav book as a child?" etc to pointedly change the subject until they get the hint that you will LITERALLY not discuss it at all...once you stop discussing it, its alot harder for them to continue trying to!
good luck...there are alot of people out there like this and I have found it best to say "I appreciate your concern/opinion/etc" and just let it be...just because they say something doesn't mean I have to give it any mind...My inlaws are similar and so are other people around us, we have had to deal with other issues and while a pain I am so glad i stood my ground!
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Old 10-08-2010, 09:39 PM
 
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Oh my gosh there are so many members here who have gone what you have, and all I can say is stick to your beliefs, you won't regret it. Do what you feel is best for your baby, follow your instincts.
I also do think it is a very generational thing. Parents and grandparents were raised on the harsh advice of Dr. Luther Emmett Hold not the gentle Dr. Sears of today.
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Old 10-09-2010, 01:43 AM
 
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Speaking of Dr. Sears, he says in the Baby Book to feel free to attribute everything to "doctor's orders", with him as the doctor.

Paula, mama to DS M (7/2010) sleepytime.gif and Watson (1998) dog2.gif and welcoming baby Penny (8/1/2013) babyf.gif

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Old 10-09-2010, 09:42 PM
 
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It sounds like you are doing a great job for a first time mama, thrown into parenthood a month early! I would say nothing you are doing sounds unreasonable, so don't let them bring you down.

No advice here really, just to say you should check in here for more like-minded people and support you may not be getting elsewhere.

Good luck!

Mama of 2 sweet boys, Miles (Jan 3/07) and Avery (Nov 28/09) My fast and furious HBAC
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Old 10-10-2010, 02:48 PM
 
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Sometimes I also say, "Oh wow, that's not how they do things these days! They're always learning new information about what's best for babies. I like to do what my doctor/the hospital recommends! You know how it is, we don't use leeches on people anymore either, science is always advancing!" and then enthusiastically tell them if they'd like to learn more about it they can go to Dr. Sears website or Kellymom. Go on the offensive with your enthusiasm about how great your way is, instead of being defensive about not doing it their way.
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Old 10-10-2010, 08:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks everyone! I really appreciate all the advice/support

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Originally Posted by chattyprincess View Post
Then any time it is brought up again say something like "how bout them red sox? What was your fav book as a child?" etc to pointedly change the subject until they get the hint that you will LITERALLY not discuss it at all...once you stop discussing it, its alot harder for them to continue trying to!
good luck...there are alot of people out there like this and I have found it best to say "I appreciate your concern/opinion/etc" and just let it be...just because they say something doesn't mean I have to give it any mind
I'll definitely try that next time we talk! I know it's going to be difficult with one person who's in nursing school and thinks she knows whats best - she even thinks she knows more than my daughters Dr!
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Old 10-10-2010, 08:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Speaking of Dr. Sears, he says in the Baby Book to feel free to attribute everything to "doctor's orders", with him as the doctor.

I like it!
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Old 10-10-2010, 08:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It sounds like you are doing a great job for a first time mama, thrown into parenthood a month early! I would say nothing you are doing sounds unreasonable, so don't let them bring you down.

No advice here really, just to say you should check in here for more like-minded people and support you may not be getting elsewhere.

Good luck!
thank you

I'm definitely checking on here often, I usually dont post though since I'm still learning how to type coherently while nak'ing heh.
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Old 10-10-2010, 08:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sometimes I also say, "Oh wow, that's not how they do things these days! They're always learning new information about what's best for babies. I like to do what my doctor/the hospital recommends! You know how it is, we don't use leeches on people anymore either, science is always advancing!" and then enthusiastically tell them if they'd like to learn more about it they can go to Dr. Sears website or Kellymom. Go on the offensive with your enthusiasm about how great your way is, instead of being defensive about not doing it their way.
I'll definitely try that, It's going to be hard though since I'm naturally defensive. Here's hoping I can be offensive.

As an update, I've tried talking to them (my dads birthday and just randomly e-mailing them pictures) and they've pretty much resorted to making it as awkward as possible by only talking when asked something. Better than the drama they started last time, I suppose.
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Old 10-10-2010, 10:20 PM
 
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Under normal circumstances where it's the occasional illinformed comment/suggestion, I would suggest the "pass the bean dip" approach (i.e., just change the subject). However, in this case it sounds like you're being pretty much harassed. I would inform this person that you have done your research and are NOT going to change your mind, that this is YOUR child and they can either keep their comments and negativity completely to themselves or they can take themselves out of your life altogether. If they want to be involved in your life as well as your child's life they MUST respect your decisions. Otherwise you will cut off contact. Period. It's harsh, but what they're doing is harsh as well.

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Old 10-11-2010, 10:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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it's definitely about to get to that point as theyve accused my husband of trying to keep them away. you know, its not me protecting my kid, im just being controlled.
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Old 10-15-2010, 06:53 AM
 
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So sorry you're dealing with this. I have learned more about setting limits since I've been a mama than in my whole life before that. My family is pretty on board, but I did have one issue with my dad recommending CIO and my MIL not getting BFing or babywearing, not to mention all the annoying unsolicited advice from acquaintances, coworkers, strangers, etc.... I made a long ranty post here and the best advice I got was "Pass the bean dip" ~just avoid those discussions. If need be, then set your limits more firmly. I know how hard it can be to feel like you're damaging the relationship with or offending them, but as a mother it's our job to stand up for ourselves and our babies, and doing things the AP/NFL way is going against the grain of the mainstream and does require us to "defend" ourselves a bit. Best of luck to you!

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Old 10-15-2010, 08:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks

One of the people is no longer talking to me, which is fine by me. The other has mellowed out some (mainly, I think because the other probably stopped talking about me).
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Old 11-04-2010, 08:50 AM
 
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it's definitely about to get to that point as theyve accused my husband of trying to keep them away. you know, its not me protecting my kid, im just being controlled.

Karmabat, believe it or not, I've been there. When I started making and enforcing healthier boundaries with my family, they blamed it on my husband and started suspecting him of being abusive, not realizing THEY were the abusive party! it's been a few years into the process(luckily this started long before dd was in the picture) and I've lost 2 relationships and the rest are MUCH healthier. Hang in there! The ones who really care about YOU will adapt.

You might consider seeing a counselor-I know that it probably seems overwhelming to take time for yourself right now, but a good counselor or therapist can help you with the boundaries and also support you through all the stress you are dealing with. Way to go, parenting the way you know is best for your daughter, even through medical & family problems!

Enjoying my time with Hattie Beth(8/30/10) and remembering Mizuko Fievel (8/26/09)
 
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Old 11-04-2010, 01:43 PM
 
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DH's side of the family is very anti-breastfeeding. They even told me that formula must be superior because it was made by scientists (if it's made in a lab, it must be better than anything our body can make ). So it's no surprise that extended nursing and delaying solids threw them for a loop!

Anytime they tried to bring up that I should stop nursing, I would just change the subject. Yes, it would have sounded rude... "I can't believe you are still nursing". Blank stare from me and then "Isn't the weather beautiful?" Just like passing the bean dip!

My philosophy is that our parenting isn't up for debate so I won't even allow it to be questioned. If someone is truly curious about why we do something a certain way, I will gladly talk about it. But my FIL or MIL gets no say, no opinion, not even to humour them.

Loving my two wild and crazy boys -- DS1 06/07 and DS2 12/09
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Old 11-04-2010, 02:16 PM
 
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Oh my gosh there are so many members here who have gone what you have, and all I can say is stick to your beliefs, you won't regret it. Do what you feel is best for your baby, follow your instincts.
I also do think it is a very generational thing. Parents and grandparents were raised on the harsh advice of Dr. Luther Emmett Hold not the gentle Dr. Sears of today.
Karmabat this link should help explain my other post:


http://tinyurl.com/2frbbg3


I hope that things are going better for you and your family. You are a good mama (!)
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Old 11-06-2010, 12:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Karmabat, believe it or not, I've been there. When I started making and enforcing healthier boundaries with my family, they blamed it on my husband and started suspecting him of being abusive, not realizing THEY were the abusive party! it's been a few years into the process(luckily this started long before dd was in the picture) and I've lost 2 relationships and the rest are MUCH healthier. Hang in there! The ones who really care about YOU will adapt.

You might consider seeing a counselor-I know that it probably seems overwhelming to take time for yourself right now, but a good counselor or therapist can help you with the boundaries and also support you through all the stress you are dealing with. Way to go, parenting the way you know is best for your daughter, even through medical & family problems!
Thanks for your insight I actually mentioned to my husband the other day that i need to see a counselor because my anxiety is through the roof and im having obsessive compulsive like tendencies reappear thanks to all this.
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Old 11-06-2010, 12:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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DH's side of the family is very anti-breastfeeding. They even told me that formula must be superior because it was made by scientists (if it's made in a lab, it must be better than anything our body can make ). So it's no surprise that extended nursing and delaying solids threw them for a loop!

Anytime they tried to bring up that I should stop nursing, I would just change the subject. Yes, it would have sounded rude... "I can't believe you are still nursing". Blank stare from me and then "Isn't the weather beautiful?" Just like passing the bean dip!

My philosophy is that our parenting isn't up for debate so I won't even allow it to be questioned. If someone is truly curious about why we do something a certain way, I will gladly talk about it. But my FIL or MIL gets no say, no opinion, not even to humour them.
sounds just like my family! they were shocked yesterday when i told them we didnt switch to formula when we found out dd has reflux. i cant wait for the delaying solids bit... my brother and nephews were given solids at 2months.

it looks like we're visiting them this month so im definitely going to be changing the subject a few times.
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Old 11-06-2010, 03:21 AM
 
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Speaking of Dr. Sears, he says in the Baby Book to feel free to attribute everything to "doctor's orders", with him as the doctor.
YES!!!

You are doing great too! I agree stick with what you feel is best. If they get mad they will get over it. I used get flack from my brother about bf'ing my son passed the age of 1. This time around with dd he has kept his mouth shut.
My MIL said something to DH about our baby girl sleeping with us...That we shouldn't be doing that. DH asked why she said she has always just heard that. UM...Yeah HERD ...He said well we have been doing since day one and we aren't stopping now.

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Old 11-07-2010, 02:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Karmabat this link should help explain my other post:


http://tinyurl.com/2frbbg3


I hope that things are going better for you and your family. You are a good mama (!)
thanks for the link!

things are okay. my mom is out of my life, and i think my dad got sick of my step-moms ranting and calmed her down. She still thinks she knows best but has played nice.
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Old 11-07-2010, 02:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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YES!!!

You are doing great too! I agree stick with what you feel is best. If they get mad they will get over it. I used get flack from my brother about bf'ing my son passed the age of 1. This time around with dd he has kept his mouth shut.
My MIL said something to DH about our baby girl sleeping with us...That we shouldn't be doing that. DH asked why she said she has always just heard that. UM...Yeah HERD ...He said well we have been doing since day one and we aren't stopping now.
thanks I think things are starting to get better, it seems as my step mom is learning to keep her mouth shut. thanksgiving will be the true test though!

btw, i noticed in your sig that your dd's name is keira. thats my dd's name, too! Its so rare of a name in my area i always get a kick out of seeing it
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Old 11-07-2010, 03:58 AM
 
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Good luck for Thanksgiving!

My family bullied me out of breastfeeding DD1... it was horrible that I let them, but at the time I really felt so helpless. Especially because this "advice" that "breastfeeding is not better, just selfish because that means they do not get to enjoy feeding the baby too" came from my aunt and grandmother whom we were renting a couple rooms from at the time!

I am grateful to be off on our own this time around and being left to do what I want... definitely do not take it for granted that I was able to have a homebirth this time without the majority of our families knowing ahead of time.

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Old 11-11-2010, 02:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Good luck for Thanksgiving!

My family bullied me out of breastfeeding DD1... it was horrible that I let them, but at the time I really felt so helpless. Especially because this "advice" that "breastfeeding is not better, just selfish because that means they do not get to enjoy feeding the baby too" came from my aunt and grandmother whom we were renting a couple rooms from at the time!

I am grateful to be off on our own this time around and being left to do what I want... definitely do not take it for granted that I was able to have a homebirth this time without the majority of our families knowing ahead of time.


thanks!

that sucks about what your family did but i completely understand that helpless feeling.
 

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