How do you respond to others who tell you they've used CIO? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 44 Old 10-28-2010, 12:30 PM
 
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Originally Posted by tzs View Post
i would just say something like, "oh, that must have been tough." because i'm sure it is tough for CIO moms. nobody likes to hear their babe cry and they are just doing what they think is best for their family with the information they have. and for every study that "proves" that CIO is detrimental to children there's another one that "proves" the opposite (yeah, i've seen the sleep books....everybody has their studies.)

and further, it just doesn't feel fair to judge them on that one thing when i'm sure there is something they are doing for their kids that's better than what i'm doing, yk?
i mean, i have a friend who did CIO with her babe. but she is WAY better than me at showering her son with constant affection and undivided attention. she would never let her kid play while she watched a show on tv like i would.
i have another friend who did CIO with her kids and she stays at home with them while i work part time by choice and have dd in daycare.

also, we're not really sure if what this particular neighbor did was in fact CIO. a 14 month old, while still needing love and attention, is very different from a 4 month old. a 14 month old DOES know that crying will get a response and usually they know how to put themselves back to sleep. i don't do CIO but if my dd cries at night i do sometimes give her a couple minutes...and at her 13 months i CAN tell the difference between her "real" cries and her "attention" cries. 99% of the time she falls back asleep right away on her own.
and just now while putting her down for a nap she was screaming bloody murder. and you know what she needs? i can stand there and talk to her...i can give her a bottle and she swats it away like i'm trying to poison her....i can pick her up and rock her and she wails and arches her back...what she needs is for me to leave the room and the crying stops within the minute. that IS leaving a babe to cry but it's not CIO.

at a certain age, ignoring a tantrum does not mean CIO and i'm sure this age is different for different kids.
Good post

Lana: Mama to Mya Oct/2007 and Ainsley July/2010
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#32 of 44 Old 10-28-2010, 12:38 PM
 
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Some of the best advice I got as a parent to be was "give yourself permission to change your mind...go easy on yourself." I tell myself that every time I'm confronted with someone who parents differently than me. We (mostly) all do it with the best of intentions, and people need to find what works for their situation.

For example, I intended to be the best co-sleeper in the world. We had a custom side sleeper built, were totally committed to it, thought about how great side-lying nursing would be, etc. We made it 6 weeks before she moved to a bassinet. A combination of needing to nurse upright, and a shifty grunty baby who hates swaddling made it an untenable situation. Do some people think I'm missing out on the greatest thing in the world? Perhaps, but it's what works for us.

I couldn't CIO. But it's a method, and everyone comes at things from their own perspective. Seeing that documentary Babies kind of shows you how radically the parenting differs world wide, and most folks turn out okay. So what I do when confronted with it (and similar things like comments on cloth diapering from folks in disposables) is to mainly say "well, X works really well for us, so I'm happy about that."
I had the same thing happen with co-sleeping, I was sure we were going to be co-sleepers but it just didn't work out. She was not good at nursing side lying and was so restless in bed.......up every 1-2 hours. I got desperate and thought I'd put her in her crib just to see (couldn't get any worse) and she slept 6 hours! She just sleeps so much better on her own. I often try and bring her in my bed in the am to nurse and cuddle. She's usually pretty restless but every so often she calmly eats and then falls asleep all cuddled up to me with her arms around my boob

Lana: Mama to Mya Oct/2007 and Ainsley July/2010
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#33 of 44 Old 10-28-2010, 03:03 PM
 
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Originally Posted by tzs View Post
first of all, there's nothing wrong with letting a baby fuss, you're right to pick them up if they cry. as for your mom, even the CIO people don't start on newborns! (i think they say 4 months or 6 months or something)

i'm sure plenty of posters will have links for you. good luck!
I also allow for fussing... Or rather I allow her the oppurnuity to resettle after waking. We get a few waking periods where sehs wakes fusses cries a wee bit maybe even giving out a sudden true CRY but its really brief like herbody kinda is annoyed she woke.. Me rushing to pick her up during these brief secessions makes things 10000000 xs worse cause it over stimulates and shocks her system...
Same thing when we have miss caculated how tired she reall is being put down... SOmetiems shes ends up soo over tired the honestly best thing I can do is give her a minute or two to settle down on her own... Its obvious when weve gotten to this point shes refuses any contact comfort refuses to nurse arches her back and tries to flee my arms and when put down burries her head eyes shut and cries VERY fast go from frustrated to calmer sobs...
CIO is an idea that if I just refuse to come in and comfort that they will eaither "self sooth" and learn to sleep on their own.. While I do believe lo can learn to self sooth to varies degrees even from fairly early ages I absoultly don't believe its done though extention methods but rather the opposite.. By responding we teach trust and once they trust we will be their the need to constantly wake is lessened.
CIO in its worse is the idea that left to cry they will give up and sadly when it 'works" its ussally more because of this.
Having a child/ baby who cries it self is not CIO
HAving a toddler complaining at the top of her lungs that your a mean mommy cause you enforce a bedtime and wont let her stay up all night watching endless Dora reruns on the DVR is NOT CIO..
(not that I EVER experineced this.... )
deciding that cosleeping isn't for your family and helping them successfully and gently sleep in another space isn't CIO.
Exiting out of parenting a child for 8-12+ hours a day cause you dont want "bad habbits" is CIO...


Deanna

Wife to DH since August 01 mom to a bubbly girl October 2002 and our newest gal March 2010
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#34 of 44 Old 10-28-2010, 03:26 PM
 
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I generally mind my own business when it comes to other people's parenting choices. I don't appreciate busy bodies up in my business, so I try to do the same.

Now, if someone ASKS my opinion, I'll give it to them honestly. But unless someone was doing something blatantly dangerous (like I dunno, leaving a newborn to scream all night because they don't think they need to eat during the night) I keep my mouth shut.
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#35 of 44 Old 10-28-2010, 03:29 PM
 
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Originally Posted by tzs View Post
i would just say something like, "oh, that must have been tough." because i'm sure it is tough for CIO moms. nobody likes to hear their babe cry and they are just doing what they think is best for their family with the information they have. and for every study that "proves" that CIO is detrimental to children there's another one that "proves" the opposite (yeah, i've seen the sleep books....everybody has their studies.)

and further, it just doesn't feel fair to judge them on that one thing when i'm sure there is something they are doing for their kids that's better than what i'm doing, yk?
i mean, i have a friend who did CIO with her babe. but she is WAY better than me at showering her son with constant affection and undivided attention. she would never let her kid play while she watched a show on tv like i would.
i have another friend who did CIO with her kids and she stays at home with them while i work part time by choice and have dd in daycare.

also, we're not really sure if what this particular neighbor did was in fact CIO. a 14 month old, while still needing love and attention, is very different from a 4 month old. a 14 month old DOES know that crying will get a response and usually they know how to put themselves back to sleep. i don't do CIO but if my dd cries at night i do sometimes give her a couple minutes...and at her 13 months i CAN tell the difference between her "real" cries and her "attention" cries. 99% of the time she falls back asleep right away on her own.
and just now while putting her down for a nap she was screaming bloody murder. and you know what she needs? i can stand there and talk to her...i can give her a bottle and she swats it away like i'm trying to poison her....i can pick her up and rock her and she wails and arches her back...what she needs is for me to leave the room and the crying stops within the minute. that IS leaving a babe to cry but it's not CIO.

at a certain age, ignoring a tantrum does not mean CIO and i'm sure this age is different for different kids.

Great points, I agree.
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#36 of 44 Old 10-28-2010, 03:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lynsage View Post
"Every family has to do what works best for them." Also, repeat it to yourself before you say it to the other person.
I like this.

happy family!joy.gif we winner.jpgfemalesling.GIFnocirc.gif

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#37 of 44 Old 10-28-2010, 03:34 PM
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I also allow for fussing... Or rather I allow her the oppurnuity to resettle after waking. We get a few waking periods where sehs wakes fusses cries a wee bit maybe even giving out a sudden true CRY but its really brief like herbody kinda is annoyed she woke.. Me rushing to pick her up during these brief secessions makes things 10000000 xs worse cause it over stimulates and shocks her system...
Same thing when we have miss caculated how tired she reall is being put down... SOmetiems shes ends up soo over tired the honestly best thing I can do is give her a minute or two to settle down on her own... Its obvious when weve gotten to this point shes refuses any contact comfort refuses to nurse arches her back and tries to flee my arms and when put down burries her head eyes shut and cries VERY fast go from frustrated to calmer sobs...
CIO is an idea that if I just refuse to come in and comfort that they will eaither "self sooth" and learn to sleep on their own.. While I do believe lo can learn to self sooth to varies degrees even from fairly early ages I absoultly don't believe its done though extention methods but rather the opposite.. By responding we teach trust and once they trust we will be their the need to constantly wake is lessened.
CIO in its worse is the idea that left to cry they will give up and sadly when it 'works" its ussally more because of this.
Having a child/ baby who cries it self is not CIO


Deanna
THIS IS US!!!! (and also what i firmly believe about self-soothing and "independence" as well)
you put the momentary nighttime cry in the words i was missing. and i think part of me was actually wondering why she would do that super short crying stint and then just pass back out again....makes sense!
it's funny because that nighttime "real" cry with dd always means she will fall back asleep on her own. it's the "fake" complaining crying that is really difficult to deal with and get her back asleep.

Reluctant 'Sconie, chassid and mama to sweet toughie Ada Bluma 9/9/09 and loving pittie-mix ("Judge the deed, not the breed!")
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#38 of 44 Old 10-28-2010, 03:38 PM
 
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"It must have been so hard to hear him/her cry. Poor little thing."

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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#39 of 44 Old 10-28-2010, 03:42 PM
 
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What would you want someone who thinks bed sharing is borderline neglectful to say to you if you happen to mention that you bedshare?
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#40 of 44 Old 10-28-2010, 03:45 PM
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What would you want someone who thinks bed sharing is borderline neglectful to say to you if you happen to mention that you bedshare?
true dat!

Reluctant 'Sconie, chassid and mama to sweet toughie Ada Bluma 9/9/09 and loving pittie-mix ("Judge the deed, not the breed!")
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#41 of 44 Old 10-28-2010, 04:03 PM
 
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I can't think up anything polite to say instead of something so I say oh, and change the subject. The nasty things that run through my head do not include "you did it the hard way."

The only CIO conversation I am willing to have is the one where people say they don't or they tried it and it was awful. I just can't listen to the details. I agree. I don't understand why it is acceptable.
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#42 of 44 Old 10-28-2010, 04:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Actually, I was just reminded:

Also last week a coworker / friend whose baby is a few months younger than mine was saying they were having some sleep issues and one night recently their baby started crying some time after having been put to bed. She said they sat out there in the living room wondering for a moment if they should let him cry. But she couldn't do it. "It really goes against all the instincts doesn't it?", she said. I then used that chance to explain why I would never do it and why it's just a bad idea and her instinct is right.

So it's not always an awkward situation when CIO comes up!

Mama since 2010
Multicultural living in Europe
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#43 of 44 Old 10-28-2010, 05:03 PM
 
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I don't say much of anything but it really breaks my heart and I will freely admit it tarnishes my opinion of them. I don't want to push my parenting ideals on anyone because I hate it when its done to me but it makes me so sad for the poor baby. If ASKED I would say I'm not comfortable w/ it, but otherwise it would just be an 'oh..yeah, hmm...' (and trying not to have a judgmental look on my face lol) in an effort to gear the convo elsewhere.

SAHM to my sweet girl born in fall 2009

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#44 of 44 Old 10-28-2010, 07:22 PM
 
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Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post
What would you want someone who thinks bed sharing is borderline neglectful to say to you if you happen to mention that you bedshare?
Very good point (again!)

Lana: Mama to Mya Oct/2007 and Ainsley July/2010
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