I don't mean to do CIO...but I think I am... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 02-16-2011, 10:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
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No, it's not sleep training....it's having a newborn and a toddler that's potty training and spirited.

 

I can't count the number of times I have to put DS2 down during the day to tend to DS1. Yes, I have an Ergo but it isn't always feasible to wear him. (like if I'm cooking...I'm not comfortable with that) Sometimes he sits fine until I get back...but more often than not he cries...HARD sometimes. Occasionally he'll just go to sleep until I can pick him up.

 

It breaks my heart. I hate it. But when DS1 falls I can't just sit on the couch to comfort him. When he tells me he needs to potty I have to take him or get pee on the floor (he refuses to use his little potty...it's big potty or bust) And he and I have to eat.

 

Can someone assure me that it's not CIO and that I'm not damaging my child? He never sits and cries more than a couple of mins at a time and I always pick him up and cuddle him.


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#2 of 11 Old 02-16-2011, 10:20 AM
 
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It's not CIO, its the reality of having multiple children. The dirty secret of AP is that babies CRY and you can't always do something about it right then. We can get caught up in believing that we can just fix all their crying with snuggles and nursing and the reality is that a) that isn't always the case and b) we don't always have time for that. Sometimes your toddler is going to cry also and you're not going to be able to attend to him because you're nursing or busy with the other baby and that is OKAY. If it makes you feel any better, I've heard anecdotally that second (and subsequent) children are sometimes more laid back and low maintenance because of the "neglect" they experience because they don't have all of their mom's attention all the time. They learn to play by themself and self soothe better because you sometimes need 30 more seconds to get to him than you did for your first. 


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#3 of 11 Old 02-16-2011, 10:27 AM
 
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I think your son probably just falls asleep because he was already tired and that's why he was fussing, not because he is exhausted from crying for an extended period of time while you left the room. Don't feel bad, you certainly aren't harming him.

 

I feel horrible when my baby cries in her car seat but sometimes we don't have a choice. Sometimes she'll cry all the way home from an errand and that's up to 15 minutes - I'd never let her do it in the crib but she isn't hurt in the car seat, she just wants to be held all the time. I try to sing to her and give her toys and make sure her seatbelt is tight enough but not too tight but she still doesn't like the car seat.

 

It breaks my heart to hear her cry but our first priority has to be keeping all of our kids safe and meeting their needs. Beyond that, yes, sometimes the babies will cry. They don't know that we know best - that sometimes they need to sit in a car seat, or wait for you to take older brother to the potty or rescue older brother when he scrapes his knee. Their crying doesn't mean we are doing something wrong, it's just their only way of communicating right now so if they aren't happy about waiting of course they will cry to let us know.

 

I think the difference between crying and learning that they don't *always* get needs or wants met instantly versus learning learned helplessness is that if they were learning learned helplessness they would stop bothering to try to communicate to us at all, or be unhappy most of the time.

 

Even if my baby cries in the car for longer than I'd like a few times a week that doesn't stop her from communicating the rest of the day when she wants down to play, wants milk, needs a diaper, or is tired. She's not learning to just give up and stop trying to express her needs, she's just learning that sometimes she doesn't get what she wants the second she wants it. I don't think that's damaging - if it was, we'd all be messed up, particularly those of us with siblings.

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#4 of 11 Old 02-16-2011, 10:31 AM
 
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This is the fun of having two under two!  You simply cannot give baby #2 the same attention you gave baby #1.  It's definitely not CIO, it's just the reality of only having one body, yet two needy kids.  Be easy on yourself and tend to both kids as you can.  I know Wyatt's potty training has taken a backseat right now to Emma's naps, because I feel her getting into a healthy nap routine is more important than him being potty trained.  But Emma also sits in a baby chair for WAY more time than Wyatt ever did, because when I'm alone with both kids I cannot physically be wearing and carrying her all day long.  Such is life. Just take care the best you can :)


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#5 of 11 Old 02-17-2011, 02:26 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YayJennie View Post

This is the fun of having two under two!  You simply cannot give baby #2 the same attention you gave baby #1.  It's definitely not CIO, it's just the reality of only having one body, yet two needy kids.  Be easy on yourself and tend to both kids as you can.  I know Wyatt's potty training has taken a backseat right now to Emma's naps, because I feel her getting into a healthy nap routine is more important than him being potty trained.  But Emma also sits in a baby chair for WAY more time than Wyatt ever did, because when I'm alone with both kids I cannot physically be wearing and carrying her all day long.  Such is life. Just take care the best you can :)

 

Two under two? I have two four and under and my second still cries way more than my first! It is just a fact of life. However, I can already see the difference in independence and ability to self-soothe between my two girls. My 4 year old just started really playing by herself a few months ago and my 8 month old can already play by herself. My 8 month old has already fallen asleep on her own, my 4 year old has NEVER done this. Now the older is definitely more spirited in nature, but the difference is truly amazing.
 


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#6 of 11 Old 02-17-2011, 02:41 PM
 
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In my mind, CIO is when mama lays baby in a crib, in a dark room, and heads downstairs to enjoy a glass of wine and Desperate Housewives, while baby screams itself to exhaustion, and finally gives up, knowing it is no use. Meanwhile, mom and dad think it is hard, but they know they are teaching baby an important lesson about life.

 

This is not, NOT what is happening in your house mama! You are doing your best to care for more than one young child and you can only do so much at the same time. As pp's have said, this is the reality of having multiple children. You are doing your best to care for everyone and sometimes one or the other has to wait. There is a HUGE difference between one child crying for a minute or two while the other's needs are met, and you setting up situations for them to cry, in order to train them into independent, detached beings.

 

You are doing great hug.gif

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#7 of 11 Old 02-17-2011, 02:55 PM
 
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Thanks to thr OP for starting this thread and thanks for everyone for the responses.

 

I am so right there with you, OP. I have 3 kids, ages 9,7, and 3 months. I've been feeling horrible because there are times my older boys need me and my dd has to go into her bouncy seat for a time. (I'm thinking the crazy morning rush to get the boys off to school) Add that to how very much my baby hates (HATES!) her carseat, which is of course non-negotiable, and I've been feeling a lot of "is this CIO mommy guilt". I'm relieved to know I'm not the only one in that boat, and that I'm not harming my dd with how I've had to parent her.


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#8 of 11 Old 02-22-2011, 05:18 PM
 
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This.

 

I try to be verbally there if I can't be physically there.  Like, if I'm changing Em's diaper (the toddler) and Ozzy starts howling (the baby), I can't just leave Emma on the changing table and walk off and pick up Ozzy.  But I can talk to him, sing to him, explain that I'll be there soon, etc.  I don't know if it really makes any difference to him but it makes me feel better, lol, and at least it's not like he's completely alone and abandoned.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by YayJennie View Post

This is the fun of having two under two!  You simply cannot give baby #2 the same attention you gave baby #1.  It's definitely not CIO, it's just the reality of only having one body, yet two needy kids.  Be easy on yourself and tend to both kids as you can.  I know Wyatt's potty training has taken a backseat right now to Emma's naps, because I feel her getting into a healthy nap routine is more important than him being potty trained.  But Emma also sits in a baby chair for WAY more time than Wyatt ever did, because when I'm alone with both kids I cannot physically be wearing and carrying her all day long.  Such is life. Just take care the best you can :)




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#9 of 11 Old 02-23-2011, 12:53 AM
 
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It's definitely not CIO and don't feel guilty!  I have two under two and there is always commotion at our house...usually one kid is crying at any given time during the day.  The child that needs me the most in the moment gets me and the other one has to wait.  Sometimes that means the baby screams, sometimes it means the toddler screams.  I verbally reassure the one I'm not tending to at the moment and I stay calm until I can tend to the other one.


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#10 of 11 Old 02-23-2011, 01:30 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SeattleRain View PostThe dirty secret of AP is that babies CRY and you can't always do something about it right then. We can get caught up in believing that we can just fix all their crying with snuggles and nursing and the reality is that a) that isn't always the case and b) we don't always have time for that.


Well stated!

 

Now I only have one, but there are still times (like in the carseat) when I can't hold him and he cries. I hate it, it makes me feel terrible....and I think in the long run it is not the same as sleep training CIO. Yes, we try to avoid it if possible, but it's just not always possible.

 

hug2.gif You're doing the very best you can, and it is just part of reality that the baby (or toddler) is going to cry sometimes. I know how hard it is not to feel terribly guilty in those moments, but it really isn't your fault and there's actually no reason to feel wrong in that situation. Yes, it hurts to see your baby unhappy, but it's not your fault and he will not incur any long-term damage from not always being held and sometimes having to complain about it.


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#11 of 11 Old 02-23-2011, 04:29 AM
 
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LMAO, YES, this is my life.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by MaddieMay View Post

The child that needs me the most in the moment gets me and the other one has to wait.  




Kelly (28), in love with husband Jason (38) and our awesome babies:  Emma 4/09, and Ozzy 8/10

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