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#1 of 14 Old 07-04-2011, 09:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey mamas, I'm just curious about this.  Tonight DS had a lot of fussy tired time.  I was frustrated and annoyed at first because I wanted him to play with his toys so I could get a little exercise in (physical therapy actually, my back is acting up again).  But then I was able to tell myself to 'just go with it'.  I held/carried him around while I 'danced' slow and told myself it was some kind of exercise at least.

 

Then, just a bit ago, I sat down to FINALLY eat my dinner (at 9 pm) and of course I hear DS wake on the monitor.  I felt annoyed because I'm done doing for everyone else and I just want to eat already!  But I go upstairs and he's standing next to the bed (we cosleep with the box spring and mattress on the floor).  I don't think he actually "fell" off, probably just slid sideways and ended up half awake and on his feet scared.  I held him for a few minutes and miraculously he went back to sleep right when I put him down.

 

So, I stayed looking at him a few minutes and thinking, I might actually be getting the hang of this!  LOL  So, I'm wondering, how long did it take you to start accepting how life is now?  (I fully realize this will be a struggle when the next stage comes along!)  And my next question - if you are already on the second or more, when did you realize you were ready for the next one?  At the moment my answer seems to be heading away from 'hell no' LOL  I'd like DS to have a sibling close in age like my sis and I, which would mean being ready to try to do this all over again in the spring.  This seems pretty horrible to me now, but not as much as it did a month ago.


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#2 of 14 Old 07-05-2011, 02:04 AM
 
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I don't know really, but it has come in stages. DS is 13 months BTW. I feel I am mostly in my groove, but yeah there's always a new annoying phase it seems and then I have to get a new groove around flowing with whatever it is he's doing (like refusing to let us brush his teeth, making these high-pitched screams all the time, standing up in his highchair at every meal.....all phases!).

 

I had a really hard initial adjustment though, and around 2 months, when he started interacting more, I started having some moments of connection and joy, which grew more by 4 and 5 months, but around 6 months is when it really started getting fun for us. By now we have so many joyful moments in each day, sometimes DH and I just sit there and melt at how incredibly cute and amazing DS is! But again, that is peppered with the onslaught of toddlerhood and all that brings.

 

I am still far, far from ready to have another, if we will at all. I personally don't feel I'd want a new baby until DS is around 4 or so, in kindergarten during the day and more independent and logical and understanding of what's going on around him, ya know? My brother and I were 3.5 years apart and we got on really well, it wasn't such a huge gap that we could not relate to each other at all. As adults I consider us more or less the same age, kwim. But yeah spacing kids is such a very personal choice and one area where truly truly what works for one mama / family may be another woman's nightmare and vice versa.


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#3 of 14 Old 07-05-2011, 02:05 AM
 
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I think acccepting that the time they are little goes soooooo fast and to make the most of each moment is what gets me through each day!

I was blissfully 'in love' with my 8 month old baby boy when I became pregnant with our second bub. (Much sooner than expected!)

 

My little girl and boy are 17 months apart and although hard work in the early days it is fantastic now. He is nearly 4 and she is 2 and a half. They have so much fun together and now I do actually get time while they play together. So in my experience, having them close together has been brilliant!

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#4 of 14 Old 07-05-2011, 11:13 AM
 
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DD1 was older when I felt like I had it but she was one of those screaming, never sleeping babies. I remember her being 1 and me suddenly realizing that we had survived, the first year was such a fog and I don't remember many blissful moments. She gradually settles down (some) and eventually I fell into a groove. I did not want my children close together, my sister and I were, and well, we are proof that sometimes being close in age is not a good thing! My first two are almost 4 years apart and I really liked that spacing for my family. They still play and fight, sleep together so obviously it wasn't too far apart. We wanted more children and I didn't want to spend 15 years having babies so the next ones have been closer in age, 2.5 and then a little more 2 years apart. Still a fan of the wider spacing though!


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#5 of 14 Old 07-06-2011, 10:37 AM
 
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I could have written this almost word for word!
 

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Originally Posted by P.J. View Post

 

I had a really hard initial adjustment though, and around 2 months, when he started interacting more, I started having some moments of connection and joy, which grew more by 4 and 5 months, but around 6 months is when it really started getting fun for us. By now we have so many joyful moments in each day, sometimes DH and I just sit there and melt at how incredibly cute and amazing DS is!

 

 

As for child spacing, I'm really struggling. On the one hand, I want ds to have a sibling close enough in age that they can play together and relate to eachother. I also want to get my constant baby care days behind me as soon as possible. On the other hand, though, I can't even imagine taking care of another baby and ds. I think I might completely lose myself in the process and that those might be the hardest days of my life. I'm really very conflicted about it.


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#6 of 14 Old 07-06-2011, 12:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:

Originally Posted by P.J. View Post

 

I had a really hard initial adjustment though, and around 2 months, when he started interacting more, I started having some moments of connection and joy, which grew more by 4 and 5 months, but around 6 months is when it really started getting fun for us. By now we have so many joyful moments in each day, sometimes DH and I just sit there and melt at how incredibly cute and amazing DS is! But again, that is peppered with the onslaught of toddlerhood and all that brings.

 

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Originally Posted by lkvosu View Post


I could have written this almost word for word!
 

 

As for child spacing, I'm really struggling. On the one hand, I want ds to have a sibling close enough in age that they can play together and relate to eachother. I also want to get my constant baby care days behind me as soon as possible. On the other hand, though, I can't even imagine taking care of another baby and ds. I think I might completely lose myself in the process and that those might be the hardest days of my life. I'm really very conflicted about it.


 

My experience was very much the same.  Around 2 or 3 months was where I hit the 'ok, this doesn't suck 100%' time.  And little by little ...  And I keep telling myself how lucky I was.  DS WASN'T a screaming or even unhappy baby.  And I feel exactly the same as you lkvosu about the spacing, so very conflicted.  Of course, if finances don't improve a little by next spring the point is moot anyway! 

 

And, after feeling all zen the other night when I posted this, yesterday and last night were just hell!  LOL

 


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#7 of 14 Old 07-06-2011, 06:10 PM
 
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It's so nice to read this. I've been similarly conflicted between wanting ds to have a sibling or even 2 and not liking the idea one bit of having to go through this all over again. I often think, if he slept better I'd have a different perspective. Not to mention, the birth was difficult and I have scarring and damage from it. And, my fiance and I separated recently! So no babies too soon but...

My other thought is that if I had a partner who was more proactive and interested in being equally involved in child rearing that this wouldn't have been so darn hard too.

But, yeah, nice to hear I'm not the only one who is on the fence. Many of my friends are absolutely sure of another baby and some are even planning it out. I felt for a second there like I was missing something or innately off in the mother realm or like I wasn't "getting it", etc. Most days I am so in love with ds and just love watching him play or talk or whatever it is that he is doing and I feel great joy.


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#8 of 14 Old 07-07-2011, 03:56 PM
 
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I'm so glad you started this thread! I was actually coming here to start a similar one. My DD is 2.5 months and I am only just starting to get glimmers of the "this doesn't completely suck" feeling. I mean, she is too delicious for words. Lately I have been feeling that. I want to gobble her up, she is so darling and sweet. She melts me. BUT. Day to day? It is a GRIND! A monotonous, endless, soul-tamping grind. I feel like I'm constantly treading water just trying to get enough sleep not to go insane. Everything I do and my whole mood revolves around her--if and when she'll nap, for how long, and if I can get her to nap not attached to me--just so I can get something done or even better, get a good nap myself. And she's not even a difficult baby, as far as I can tell--she's doing great stretches at night (5-7 hours, plus a second 1-3 hour stretch) and her early fussiness has really subsided. But it's just such an energy drain.

 

I guess what I'm really struggling with is feelings of control and the anxiety that attends a loss of control. I am a controlling person by nature--I don't like unpredictability, at least not on a day to day basis. So it's very hard to accept that I can't MAKE her sleep, and if she doesn't nap the way the books say she should, it doesn't mean I'm a bad mom, her life is ruined, it won't always be this way, etc. It's just hard not to feel frustrated and anxious. On top of that is the fact that I just haven't had much chance to do stuff for me. I mean, what new mom does? But it's a big adjustment, and much harder than I anticipated. DH works during the day so I'm alone with her and I don't think I'm cut out to be a SAHM...I feel isolated and bored and crave adult interaction. I want to go to a new moms group, but they always seem to be scheduled for when she's sleeping or needs to eat or having a meltdown.

 

Did anyone else have similar feelings?

 

Oh, and ETA, another issue is trusting DH to take care of her. I mean, I trust him with her safety-wise, and he's a very loving dad, but he's not good at getting her to nap, but if she doesn't nap when she gives her sleepy signs (about every 1-2 hours after she wakes up) she gets REALLY cranky at night and it's hard on everyone. So he tells me to leave the house and do something on weekends, which is wonderful, but it's hard to let go and just let him soothe her as he sees fit. I'm with her so much more that I know the shortcuts. I know he can only learn by doing, and I have to let him do things his way, but it's hard not to get impatient with his learning process.


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#9 of 14 Old 07-08-2011, 08:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by ContentMama View Post

It's so nice to read this. I've been similarly conflicted between wanting ds to have a sibling or even 2 and not liking the idea one bit of having to go through this all over again. I often think, if he slept better I'd have a different perspective. Not to mention, the birth was difficult and I have scarring and damage from it. And, my fiance and I separated recently! So no babies too soon but...

My other thought is that if I had a partner who was more proactive and interested in being equally involved in child rearing that this wouldn't have been so darn hard too.

But, yeah, nice to hear I'm not the only one who is on the fence. Many of my friends are absolutely sure of another baby and some are even planning it out. I felt for a second there like I was missing something or innately off in the mother realm or like I wasn't "getting it", etc. Most days I am so in love with ds and just love watching him play or talk or whatever it is that he is doing and I feel great joy.

 

I ended up with a CS after 30somethign hours of labor (he got stuck) and honestly - I kinda want a chance to go through the whole thing, but I'm TERRIFIED of it now.  All that positive 'your body is made to do this' energy is just gone for me.  As for the uninvolved partner - my BF has the same issue and has pretty much decided she's done because there's no way she can do 2 on her own and work full time (which she has to).  She calls herself a single mom, which makes me so angry at her hubby.  I COULD NOT do this with my DP.  We were apart (different states) for 7 weeks and I thought I was going to lose my mind.  I have a whole new appreciation for single (or single seeming) moms. 
 

 



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Originally Posted by Blanca78 View Post

I'm so glad you started this thread! I was actually coming here to start a similar one. My DD is 2.5 months and I am only just starting to get glimmers of the "this doesn't completely suck" feeling. I mean, she is too delicious for words. Lately I have been feeling that. I want to gobble her up, she is so darling and sweet. She melts me. BUT. Day to day? It is a GRIND! A monotonous, endless, soul-tamping grind. I feel like I'm constantly treading water just trying to get enough sleep not to go insane. Everything I do and my whole mood revolves around her--if and when she'll nap, for how long, and if I can get her to nap not attached to me--just so I can get something done or even better, get a good nap myself. And she's not even a difficult baby, as far as I can tell--she's doing great stretches at night (5-7 hours, plus a second 1-3 hour stretch) and her early fussiness has really subsided. But it's just such an energy drain.

 

I guess what I'm really struggling with is feelings of control and the anxiety that attends a loss of control. I am a controlling person by nature--I don't like unpredictability, at least not on a day to day basis. So it's very hard to accept that I can't MAKE her sleep, and if she doesn't nap the way the books say she should, it doesn't mean I'm a bad mom, her life is ruined, it won't always be this way, etc. It's just hard not to feel frustrated and anxious. On top of that is the fact that I just haven't had much chance to do stuff for me. I mean, what new mom does? But it's a big adjustment, and much harder than I anticipated. DH works during the day so I'm alone with her and I don't think I'm cut out to be a SAHM...I feel isolated and bored and crave adult interaction. I want to go to a new moms group, but they always seem to be scheduled for when she's sleeping or needs to eat or having a meltdown.

 

Did anyone else have similar feelings?

 

Oh, and ETA, another issue is trusting DH to take care of her. I mean, I trust him with her safety-wise, and he's a very loving dad, but he's not good at getting her to nap, but if she doesn't nap when she gives her sleepy signs (about every 1-2 hours after she wakes up) she gets REALLY cranky at night and it's hard on everyone. So he tells me to leave the house and do something on weekends, which is wonderful, but it's hard to let go and just let him soothe her as he sees fit. I'm with her so much more that I know the shortcuts. I know he can only learn by doing, and I have to let him do things his way, but it's hard not to get impatient with his learning process.


When I was pregnant I was so very sad that I couldn't be a SAHM.  By the time my maternity leave was over (8 weeks) I was DYING to get back to work.  I am not cut out to be a SAHM.  Even having him 24/7 on weekends makes me crazy.  I'm a much better, caring, patient, unfrustrated (that should be a word if it isn't) mom when I'm not with him 24/7.  And I truly think he's happier in daycare.  He always has fun playing with all the different toys and with all the other little kids.  A grind is exactly how I feel too.  It makes me sad, but it's reality.  BUT because I do work and am not with him 24/7 I can really enjoy the time I do have.  This morning I watched him sleep for a little ... that tiny face is so freaking adorable!  I've heard advice given to get out.  Maybe she'll get used to napping in a carrier while you are at the new moms group?  And you can definitely feed her while you are out.  Maybe give it a try?

 

And TOTALLY let your DH take care of her!!!  Soooo important!  Especially if he's willing!  You need to let him get through that learning process.  You could start off by saying, I know you'll do things your way, but I will feel better if I tell you how i do ..xyz.  That way you're giving him tips without making it seem like you think he can't handle it.  Blame your 'new momness'.  And if it means a rough Saturday night, well take it easy on Sunday then.  I admit I bite my tongue a lot when DP is taking care of DS.  But there are things only I can do (boob) so it's important that he have things too.  He almost always gives DS his bath and we're starting to have him put DS down for 1 nap on weekends (now that is rough).

 

My last comment - I'm a controlling person too.  In fct, that is kinda what I meant about finding my groove and that zen moment.  I keep reminding myself any sense of control I have over DS I better just let go of because it is illusory.

 

Good luck mamas!

 


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#10 of 14 Old 07-08-2011, 09:35 AM
 
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Blanca78, I remember feeling like activities were scheduled at inconvenient times. Eventually I gave in and went anyway and DS's naps readjusted around them. It's been very worthwhile for me to get out with him. Similar thoughts about DH until - I went to a work meeting at night last month so DH put him to bed. I was concerned, a bit distracted, only to come home toblearn that DS (6 mo) fell asleep with the bottle at 7:30, even though he usually is on the boob 8-9pm with me. Sometimes things just work out...

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#11 of 14 Old 07-08-2011, 10:45 AM
 
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Neonalee and Porttack--thanks for the reassurance re DH and also getting out of the house! She is still young but I do think soon I would like him to start practicing in a more sustained way w/her. Usually I nurse her into a near coma and then swaddle and rock her before laying her down in the crib. I usually rock her for 15-30 min and sometimes she wakes up again, but will rock back down easily or occasionally--gasp!--put herself back to sleep! So I was thinking maybe we could start by having him rock her some nights after I nurse her. That would at least give me a chance to have a little unwinding time before bed (although rocking her is relaxing and precious). I think what I need to get through to him is how important it is to me that we at least try to get her down for a nap as soon as she acts tired, even if it doesn't always work. Then I should just leave the house and leave him to it. I'm a writer and have been craving the chance to get out and work on my thesis (MFA). As I write this I'm realizing how much I need a break to focus on some creative stuff.

 

This thread is wonderful--I'm continuing to read eagerly. It really reminds me why I love MDC--such compassionate and helpful responses. Thank you all.

 

p.s. Porttack--a similar thing happened a couple weeks ago--she was screaming and DH took her so I could get a break. I left the room and 20 minutes later she was asleep in her crib. So I know he can do it!


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#12 of 14 Old 07-08-2011, 12:13 PM
 
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I ended up with a CS after 30somethign hours of labor (he got stuck) and honestly - I kinda want a chance to go through the whole thing, but I'm TERRIFIED of it now.  All that positive 'your body is made to do this' energy is just gone for me.

I actually ended up delivering vaginally after 37 hours, I had a long and painful "early" labor. They kept telling me to "rest" grrrr, who the heck can rest in severe pain?? Then the epidural was even worse. Anyways, another thread topic...

The scarring and nerve damage is in my vagina :( So, even more reason no babies soon as I have to invest time and energy in self-healing before sex is a possibility.

 

 

Quote:
Did anyone else have similar feelings?

Yes and I remember inviting friends over, scheduling them in, almost every day. It was so much easier for people to come to me than to go out. I sat in the glider with ds most of the day :)

Also going for walks or places where there is no schedule was and still is nice and simple. I would always end up cancelling plans because there was no way I was waking him up!


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#13 of 14 Old 07-08-2011, 05:55 PM
 
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I remember with DD feeling like I was "in the groove" at about 6 weeks, but then at 25 months there are still days that are utterly difficult. with DS, who is 3.5 months, I felt in the groove right away, he's such an easier baby.


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#14 of 14 Old 07-08-2011, 06:34 PM
 
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I honestly fell into a pretty easy groove with ds right away but it doesn't stay that way. They grow & change so quickly that some times it feels like I'm swinging along doing great & other times it's just hard to keep up. I think different people do better with different stages as well.

 

As for the second, she's on the way but I would have really liked for it to be sooner. Unfortunately conceiving is hard for us so we didn't have any say over how close they were. I DEFINITELY feel ready for another though.


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