February 2012 Whatever Ladies and Babies - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 407 Old 02-01-2012, 10:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Member List:

lyeterae ~ Baby boy born February 2011
annie ~ Baby girl born April 7, 2011
Barefootscientist ~ Baby boy born May 30, 2011
AnnieA (due 7/18) ~ Baby girl born July 17, 2011
MarineWife (due 7/30) ~ Baby boy born July 25, 2011
Baby_Cakes (due 8/16) ~ Baby boy born August 16, 2011
MovingMomma (due 8/9) ~ Baby girl born August 18, 2011
akind1 (due 9/28) ~ Baby girl born October 11, 2011
mom2one (due 10/23) ~ Baby boy born October 21, 2011
jeninejessica (due 12/10) ~ Baby girl born November 29, 2011
Kindermama (due 1/6) ~ Baby boy born January 1, 2012


Last month's thread: http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1340622/january-2012-whatever-ladies-are-all-done-having-their-babies

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#2 of 407 Old 02-01-2012, 12:19 PM
 
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so much to catch up on and I'm nak'ing so pics for now. i was going to say I didn't have any on the computer and then remembered FB. Duh!

 

My photos from our wedding are one of the only things I wasn't disappointed in. lol. The reception went way too fast, no one really participated (dancing, and my wedding party was pretty useless), and it ended up feeling like a bunch of money we should have spent elsewhere. It was beautiful, and my choices I would do again, but we were really disappointed in our friends and family's lack of involvement. 

 

I've  always loved this one. Our moms witnessed for us since we didn't choose best man/maid of honor

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Wedding party- the two in red are my best friends, and Rob had his sisters stand up for him. 

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ill be back later when i have two hands


Doula mama, medic daddy and Tenley Harper born naturally 11/29/11 delayedvax.gifbfinfant.giffemalesling.GIFcd.gif

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#3 of 407 Old 02-01-2012, 01:54 PM
 
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Free AMP Diaper anyone? (This earns me extra entries... feel free to read past! lol)

 

It's a lovely gater print :)  http://www.ampdiapers.com/blog/later-gator-amp-one-size-duo-diaper-giveaway


Doula mama, medic daddy and Tenley Harper born naturally 11/29/11 delayedvax.gifbfinfant.giffemalesling.GIFcd.gif

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#4 of 407 Old 02-01-2012, 02:00 PM
 
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JJ in that last one, are you guys in a toy store??  What a cute idea!  Gorgeous pictures!!

 

MW that pic of you -- wow!!  Skinnie minnie!!  Nice muscles!!!

 

 


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#5 of 407 Old 02-01-2012, 03:36 PM
 
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O.K. wedding pics...love all the ones posted so far! All so different but beautiful! Here are a couple of pics from mine:

 

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We had the wedding outside at our favorite park and then the reception was at an italian restaurant in their back room. There were about 40 people at the wedding total, including the six of us. Very small and we planned it in about 3 weeks!


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#6 of 407 Old 02-01-2012, 03:40 PM
 
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It is. It's a gorgeous natural/old style toy store that DH's family frequented when they were little. Creaky old wooden floors, tons of Brio and dress up and magic tricks, and just... --good-- toys. I love it, and they were great about letting us take photos there, and my photog loved it. We got picked of DH doing a magic show, us playing with the trains, dress up, etc. 

 

You ladies look great! It's funny how different everyone looks when we're all prettied up :) I miss that feeling. I need to get out more. lol. 

 

Ok, re: Tenley's fussiness, reflux, etc etc. The reflux is getting better pain wise. She's still throwing up a lot, but much much less of the associated high pitched wail that she used to get. She would be completely fine and happy and then look at me and burst into tears and we could hear her tummy gurgle. She's not doing that nearly as much now. I've noticed too that she rarely throws up at night. It's weird, and I haven't been able to figure out the connection- whether it's that she's more relaxed, so her tummy isn't contracting the same way, or she's eating slower, or maybe just less... I'm not sure. She does seem to be eating way more lately though- she would happily eat for 20 minutes every half hour. It's just hard because then she pukes it all up, and we're back at square one. I've been trying to get her to 90 minutes in between to give her a chance to digest the first feeding, so she's not losing those nutrients if she overfills and throws it up. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. 

 

We have an appt with the dr on Feb 9th. I'm interested to see her weight gain, as it seems to me like she's getting skinnier, not chubbier. Obviously this is a worry with the reflux, so a lot of our next step choices will depend on that. I'm trying to decide if we ask about the medication. I want her to feel better- but if she pain crying has decreased, then I also don't want to be needlessly medicating her, you know? 

 

I've been doing more reading around the forums and talking with our local attachment parenting group (i am sooo glad to have found it. these ladies are on fb 24/7 and have an answer for -everything-, and I feel so... supported and like I'm not alone.) and I think a lot of our recent troubles have been with getting away from our dedication to having a sleep routine. She -wants- to go to sleep, she just doesn't know how. And then she wants to nurse because she knows it will make her sleepy. If she finishes nursing and falls asleep, then as soon as we go to bed (whether I keep her on me, or try to put her down), she realizes she's no longer nursing and then gets upset because she doesn't know how to get back to sleep. I lean towards this explanation because she doesn't have troubles in the middle of the night, or rarely, and I think it's because while she's waking up to nurse, she's not nearly as awake, and therefore doesn't have the presence of mind to be upset, she falls into a deeper sleep while nursing, and doesn't wake up when I put her down. 

 

So I'm going to try really hard to be strong and spend the next week trying to be firm on our sleeptime routine. I don't mind if she falls asleep nursing, but we're going to come up with a pattern that works for us, something like nursing, then rocking in her chair to sleep -whether we put her down or keep her n arms). We've gotten to the point right now that come around 930pm we try to get her to sleep, and we spend 3-4 hours getting her calm, including 2-3 nursing sessions. We end up walking the house, bouncing her, rocking, cuddling, singing, etc, and sometimes she calms, sometimes she doesn't. The times she does calm, it only lasts for a few minutes, and then she wakes up shrieking again, even when I haven't moved. Then at about 1-130am, she'll finally settle all of a sudden and be put down in her bassinet. And by the end of this I'm so angry and frustrated and tired, and DH is angry, because he has to get up in the morning and can't sleep... and it's really just not a good situation for any of us. If it were working, then that's fine and I'll gladly do it, but it's not, and I hate being angry at her every night. So we need to find something new!

 

Anyways, she just woke up, so time for grocery shopping. More later!


Doula mama, medic daddy and Tenley Harper born naturally 11/29/11 delayedvax.gifbfinfant.giffemalesling.GIFcd.gif

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#7 of 407 Old 02-01-2012, 06:59 PM
 
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It's funny we are all sharing pic's of our weddings - because my 5 year anniversary is coming up on Feb. 13th! I am a bit of a pic-aholic so I apologize if there is to many lol.gif

 

I had a really small wedding with a reception at my in-laws house. It was alot of fun - the only regret I do have is that the pictures suck. We got married kind of spur of the moment - 7 weeks after Jacinta was born. It was a looooooooong drawn our process (our relationship/engagement - we probably would have been married at least 1 1/2 before). Looooooooong story.

But I was just so happy we were finally getting married that when the opportunity presented itself - we jumped! So below is what you get when you plan a wedding in 2 months right after giving birth to a high needs colic-y baby orngtongue.gif

 

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Yep - I was gonna kill him

 

 

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Ok - the huge boobies are due to just having a baby ok????

 

 

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Me and my brother

 

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Me and my girls

 

 

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Below is a bad quality pic - but I did love my dress! I didn't go the white route, because I had a screaming infant.................as they say "the jig is up" ROTFLMAO.gif

 

 

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caffix.gif wife and forever in love with J jammin.gif  - Mom to 4 girls K blahblah.gif '01' J energy.gif '06' M bouncy.gif '08' &  A drool.gif '11'  nocirc.gif  saynovax.gif

 
 

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#8 of 407 Old 02-01-2012, 07:23 PM
 
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Ugh - I hate it when we switch to a new thread - I can go back and look at all the wedding pics again as I write. I need to start taking notes as I read LOL

 

I do remember that all the pictures were beautiful and made me mad I didn't get any professional ones ALL OVER  again orngtongue.gif And of course all of us are some gorgeous ladies - don't need to reiterate that.

 

OMG - MW!!! Those muscles! ha ha ha - I would not be picking a fight with you......

 

Well, I gotta read a bedtime story to the kiddo's


caffix.gif wife and forever in love with J jammin.gif  - Mom to 4 girls K blahblah.gif '01' J energy.gif '06' M bouncy.gif '08' &  A drool.gif '11'  nocirc.gif  saynovax.gif

 
 

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#9 of 407 Old 02-01-2012, 07:34 PM
 
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Annie, I didn't have professional pics done either and sometimes I regret it. But I LOVE the pics that I had my friend take. Some of my favorites are ones he took of me and the kids decorating the gazebo in the park the afternoon of the wedding. I think it would be fun though to have a big anniversary party, maybe like for our 10th with a party/reception.


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#10 of 407 Old 02-02-2012, 03:54 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jeninejessica View Post
We end up walking the house, bouncing her, rocking, cuddling, singing, etc, and sometimes she calms, sometimes she doesn't. The times she does calm, it only lasts for a few minutes, and then she wakes up shrieking again, even when I haven't moved. Then at about 1-130am, she'll finally settle all of a sudden and be put down in her bassinet. And by the end of this I'm so angry and frustrated and tired, and DH is angry, because he has to get up in the morning and can't sleep... and it's really just not a good situation for any of us. If it were working, then that's fine and I'll gladly do it, but it's not, and I hate being angry at her every night. So we need to find something new!


We went thru this EXACT shit with Nora!  I kid you not.  We took shifts.  Have you tried that with your DH yet?  If you can sleep and he can do the rocking/walking/bouncing for the first shift, and then you take then 2nd shift, you'll both be more rested.  You'll get a break after a long day of wrangling (and quality sleep) and he'll get a chunk of sleep before having to get up for work.

 

Imagine having to go back to work, JJ!  Could you imagine?!  OMG.  Luckily for us, by the time I went back to work FT, Nora was almost 4 months old and this shenanigans had pretty much ended.  I would nurse her down and crash in bed with her.  She'd still wake up to nurse a bunch of times thru the night but the pacing the floor singing was a thing of the past.

 

goodvibes.gifVibes that Tenley outgrows this phase fast!!

 

Annie - Love seeing your whole family!!  I love the pearls with your dress -- and your bouquet was pretty!!!  3 weeks!?  You guys plan fast!!

 

annie - you were so skinny after just having a baby!  damn!!  And you plan fast too!!  My 5 year anniversary is in May.  Are you guys planning anything special?

 

AFM - Ugh, DS decided 545 was a good time to be up for the day.  I'm glad I set up the coffee pot last night before crashing.  For the first time in weeks DD gave me trouble going to sleep.  I checked on her a few times, and at one point she was hiding under her comforter playing with her stuffed guys, then 10 min later she was still under there.  Then she was too hot, then hungry, then sweaty, then her pants were too warm, etc, etc.  FINALLY she fell asleep by 10.  I fell asleep on the couch watching TV with DH.  Finn woke up at 1030!  I thought I'd get an hour or so but no. 

But I can't complain too much.  He only woke at 130 and 4, and then up at 545.  He went down by 8.  I think he's doing well.  I just wish I could sleep as much as he does, I think then I'd be fine!

 

 

I might have found a jogging stroller!!  I'm going to contact someone on craigslist.  The deal is almost too good to be true!!!  I'll let you guys know if it works out.

 

 

 


Carrie SAHM to Nora Caitlyn (5) and Finnley Dax (2) homebirthing, breastfeeding, babywearing, intactivist, doula mama!         
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#11 of 407 Old 02-02-2012, 04:52 AM
 
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The last couple days, Norah only wants to sleep on somebody; not down on the floor or in her rocker for any length of time. but at least she's otherwise a happy baby!

 

JJ: hope the phase passes quickly.

 

My not-a-morning-person-kid was up at 6:30 this morning, screaming and crying. It took nearly an hour to calm him down. I am going to need a 2nd cup of coffee. Norah is up that early too; but it's with squeals, giggles, and otherwise happy baby noises. I can deal with that.

 

I wouldn't change much about our wedding. We had it a house and gardens place that does everything from food and cake to flowers. I liked the one-stop-shopping. I don't have time or energy to be running to a million different vendors. If I had it to do over, I would hire someone to do all of the running (David Tutera?!) I do wish I could have afforded some really awesome bridesmaids gowns in the color I wanted. I wanted a deeper lilac/amethyst color, but lavendar was easier and cheaper to come by. I ordered their dresses, and mine, off the internet :) I am pleased with my gown, but would have loved a really good Kleinfeld's like experience.

 

Yay for baby sleep! I *think* DD ate around 3 . . . .I know she ate twice because we switched sides. I don't know if it's a good thing or not that I don't pay attention.

 

she is in a v ery grabby stage. It hurts (us) sometimes, but she needs to explore, right?


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#12 of 407 Old 02-02-2012, 06:47 AM
 
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How fun to see all the wedding pics!  It's funny how you somehow have a picture in your mind of how people look in your mind - and when you see them for real it is always different!  Lovely pics everyone!  I could only find one on the computer so I will share that one. (not one of my faves but it's all I have!)91_edited.jpg 

 

We planned our wedding in like a week! lol  We didn't want anything fancy - and they had to talk me into getting pictures taken! (a friend took them for free) I am glad they did though.  We both had been married before and did the whole big white wedding thing so - as you can see I went with a black dress!  We had fun - no pressure no stress.  We went to the Court house to get married and then both of our families went out for supper.  Our parents had a party for us a couple of weeks later.  Looking back I wish I would have been more cooperative when my mom wanted to buy me a "real" wedding dress and she wanted to do all kinds of things for me that I refused!  Oh well, I guess we are just as married as anyone else right??  It will be 10 years this year!

 

 

 

JJ - the pic of you in the red chair - WOW it looks like it came out of Bride's magazine!

 

All of you ladies look beautiful!

 

So after I was bragging about what a good sleeper Dax is - he decided to prove me wrong!  He has had a couple of rough nights - well he seems well rested but me - not so much!  I think he is getting ready to roll over - he works on it constantly and gets so frustrated that he can't do it - so maybe that is affecting his sleep and also I think he may be teething - his little cheeks get soooo red and he is chewing like a mad man!  I have been checking his gums and can't feel anything yet - but he LOVES it when I rub his gums.  I think I read somewhere that they get itchy when they are teething so maybe that's why he likes it so much.  

 

Ugh - we have to go to my in-laws for supper tonight.  SIL and her dh are coming to visit so they wanted us to come over.  I am not looking forward to it.  They have no kids - they have dogs and they seem to think it is the same thing.  That bugs me - I mean I know people love their pets but you know what??? They aren't kids and I don't appreciate having my kids compared to their animals.  I don't know I am just more anti-social than usual the last few weeks - it stresses me out to have to be around people and make conversation and all that jazz. I just want to stay home in my pjs and crochet! lol  

 


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#13 of 407 Old 02-02-2012, 06:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I love all the wedding photos. What a great idea to share, Carrie! Everyone looks beautiful.

annie ~ I open the new thread in a new tab so I can easily switch back and forth. Haha about no white. The jig was up for me, obviously, since Ryan was in our wedding (not to mention it was my 2nd wedding) but I still wore white.

JJ ~ Here's hoping that Tenley will start to grow out of this phase after another month or so. Remember, the 4th trimester, as they call it, is hard. Once you get past that things usually really start to settle down.

I understand the feelings of anger. I got angry at Dylan last night. He's not bee sleeping well for the last week, I guess. Last night he fell asleep at about 10:30. The boys and I watched a shark show (very cool) and turned out the light at 11. It was so nice and peaceful. Kellen just snuggled in my arms, for the most part. Very different from the jumping and going crazy all over the room. I actually laid my head down thinking that I couldn't wait to get up and post on here what an amazing night we had. Dylan woke up at 12:30. Fine, normal time to nurse, no biggie. But he would NOT go back to sleep! He just squirmed and made noises. He wasn't even really fussy, just awake and babbling. I refuse to get up with him because I don't want him to think it's normal to get up and stay up in the middle of night. He kept me up for at least an hour, probably 2. I'm not sure now. I was so mad at him for ruining my perfect night of sleep. And that's not even close to what you are going through.

I agree with Carrie. Try taking shifts if you haven't already.

I told you all that I was very "fit" when I met Sean. smile.gif We were both doing bodybuilding competitions (well, I only did one, but, anyway). That was almost 12 years and 3 babies ago. I'm much softer now and so is Sean. It's funny, though. Sean is softer and smaller. I'm softer and bigger. hehe

Our 12 year anniversary is in June. I'm sure we'll do something special if Sean is home. I think it would be the first time he's been home for our anniversary since he joined the Marine Corps. We won't be able to do too much, though, since I won't be able to leave Dylan for more than a couple of hours. It would be nice to get dressed up and have a fancy, adult dinner. I wonder what the 12 year anniversary thingie is. I'll have to look that up. Am I the one who's been married the longest in this group?

Dylan's very grabby, too, and it hurts.

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#14 of 407 Old 02-02-2012, 07:05 AM
 
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How long were you and Sean together before you got married?  I think you've been married the longest out of all of us.  Chris and I have been together 13 years, but only married for 5.

 

I do the same thing - mentally form a post in my head to tell you guys!  I hate when things get messed up.  It happened last night regarding Nora going to bed.  We were outside all morning, went for a walk, and then they went outside at school.  I thought all the fresh air and running around would knock her out and she'd go to sleep just fine.  I had it worked out in my head that's exactly what would happen, and the OPPOSITE happened.  It made me angry.  I have to expect the worst that way I'm not angry or disappointed when things dont work out like I want them to!!


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#15 of 407 Old 02-02-2012, 07:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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We cross-posted, mom2one. You're right. You don't look anything like I pictured, although now I can't remember what I pictured. lol.gif

I wanted to have a JP in my backyard and have just a handful of people and a deli tray for the reception since I had done the whole big, white wedding thing (although, it was horrible because my mom cut so many corners:eyesroll). lol.gif I didn't see the need to get married at all. I was fine with us living together but Sean, being Catholic, said he couldn't d that. We'd have to get married. This was Sean's first marriage and his parents wanted him to have a "real" wedding. To explain how important it was to them, his mom had had his sister's wedding and reception venue picked out from the moment she found out she was having a girl. They were very traditional. They offered to pay for everything if we had the wedding in Connecticut instead of my backyard lol.gif, so I agreed as long as Sean and I still had the final word on everything. I still had to fight to keep things under control. His mother and my mother wanted to invite everyone they ever knew and have this huge thing. I told only family and very close friends. I think it's a complete waste to spend all that money on one day. My stepsister spent something like $30,000 on her 2nd wedding and it wasn't even that great. They are in major debt because of it. I just don't get that.

There were a few problems, like when Sean's mom found out I wasn't Catholic and couldn't be married at the alter and I refused to be married in the aisle as if I weren't quite worthy. Then she had a fit when I said I wasn't going to take his last name. She asked why I couldn't at least hyphenate. I asked Sean if he would hyphenate his name if I hyphenated mine. He said, "Of course not!" and I said that's why I won't hyphenate mine. Again, I'm not 2nd class to him.

So, it took a while for my MIL to adjust to the idea that we were going to have a non-religious ceremony performed by a JP at a B&B. We put together the entire thing ourselves and wrote our own vows. There was no, "honor and obey, until death to you part" stuff. There was absolutely no mention of God or anything else religious or spiritual. Sean's very Catholic friends said it was one of the most beautiful ceremonies they'd ever witnessed. I guess that means Sean is, technically, living in sin since he wasn't married under the eyes of God. He could probably very easily have our marriage annulled.

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#16 of 407 Old 02-02-2012, 08:49 AM
 
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Maybe in the eyes of the church; but not under the law I think: an anullment requires specific very limited reasons.(like non-consummation or under false pretenses I think)

 

FWIW: we were married in the sight of God and everybody, but don't have a marriage liscence (because we think it's stupid to ask permission from the state in order to be married. and unnecessary) so technically we are common law or have a solemnized marriage. My parents were a bit freaked out by it,  but the thing is we are covered by the domestic partner stuff that our state and nearly every other has. Legally the only issues one runs into is in the event you break up/divorce and want to remarry - especially if there are children involved. At any rate. so we are a bit non-traditional in that aspect.

 

Our wedding we had 10 months to plan, and cost about $5k. that was my mental budget and I think we stuck pretty close to it.

 

We'll have been married 7 years in October. Together for 8ish I think.

 

Norah is trying hard to roll over, but I think she's also really focused on her verbal skills :) she talks alot!


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#17 of 407 Old 02-02-2012, 09:55 AM
 
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We've been together 9 years this May, and married four years last week. we budgeted $12,000 for the wedding, but tried to cut costs wherever we could. It ended up being about $10, and then we sold quite a bit of stuff afterwards, so probably closer to $9, and almost $3 of that were our photos. I spent $1200 on my dress which was soooo much more than I planned, but I tried it on and fell in -love- and couldn't get away from it. I sold it for $400 after the wedding, and I still regret that. 

 

We got married in DH's catholic church, and I had said no -way- I was converting. While I don't attend church now, I attended a non-denom church in high school and uni, went to a Christian school for gr12, and identify very strongly with the idea/belief is God/Jesus/the Bible rather than 'the church'. I do not agree with many of the ideas the catholic church puts forward, but I did want to be married in a church. Luckily, since I was baptized Anglican as a baby. they took that as enough (even though I've never attended an anglican church other than baptisms and funerals).   Anyways, so the ceremony was in a gorgeous catholic church, and the reception was in a golf clubhouse out of town- it was winter, and the room was windows on three sides and looked out onto the course and lit up trees, etc. It was gorgeous. 

 

MW-- That sucks! It seems like everytime we (collective we, as parents) get excited about progress, they decide to prove us wrong. Like "hey, don't get excited just yet! I've got tricks up my sleeve!" DD went to sleep soooo well last night (I even wrote a really long post while mdc was down, tha I have to go copy and pste here) and I was so excited... and then like D, she was up for two hours from 5-7, rotating between trying to put herself to sleep, and being wide eyes and smiling at me. But I cannot get up at 5am, I just can't! lol

 

And Carrie, and Kat too, cause I know you mention it often-- I give you such kudos for getting up at those hours. That is one blessing I count, is that while it often takes T forever to fall asleep, she does almost always sleep in until 930 or 10. 

 

mom2one-- Thanks. I do love that shot. There's so many she took that I can just stare in awe at. We took a whole series in an old loft here, and they turned out so nice. Love her style of photography. 


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#18 of 407 Old 02-02-2012, 10:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Kat ~ Not having a marriage license would worry me because of the legal requirements for insurance and entitlements and such. That's good that you know you are covered by the common laws (is that what they are called?) in your state. We needed to be legally married for the military or Sean wouldn't get the entitlements for dependents and we wouldn't be eligible for TriCare.

JJ ~ I need to remember that it's a matter of perspective. I get a lot less angry if I keep in mind that D is not doing that stuff just to piss me off. He's doing it because he's a baby, maybe he's in pain or just not sleepy anymore.

Which leads me to something that I just figured out and feel like a dunce for not realizing before. He's been having a hard time sleeping at night. I can tell he's having trouble with gas and pooping. Yesterday, he had the nastiest, mucousy poo. I finally realized that he must have a dairy sensitivity. I had been consuming hardly any dairy for weeks. The only thing was a little half and half in my coffee sometimes when I run out of coconut milk. Last time we went shopping, Ethan talked me into buying some cheese. We were at the commissary so I was able to get organic, raw cheddar. I have been eating it with the boys. I also had a couple of bagels with cream cheese and some sour cream and cheese dip. I'm pretty certain that's the problem with D. I'm going to cut all of that out again and see if things improve.

Someone asked me a while back how I handle things with Ryan's dad. I think maybe it was annie. I can't remember exactly what the question was.

We split up when I was 6 months pregnant with Ryan and his dad wasn't around at all until Ryan was around 5 years old. He visited a few times after that but never anything consistent. He never paid child support because I didn't pursue it. I didn't want to take the chance of him getting unsupervised visitation because I didn't think it was safe for Ryan. I always kept the mindset that I didn't have the right to keep Ryan from his dad but I did have the right to keep his dad from Ryan, if that makes sense. In other words, I didn't go out of my way to try to get Ryan's dad to pay attention to him or to even keep in touch with him myself. But if and when Ryan ever said he wanted to see his dad, I would do what I could to make that happen. I never talked bad about his dad. Whenever Ryan asked why his dad didn't see him, I would just say that he was sick (because he was addicted to crack cocaine when we broke up and had not gotten treatment that I knew of but I didn't tell Ryan that part).

They reconnected for a while when Ryan was 17. If you remember, Ryan went to live with his dad for about 6 months during that time. He had to come home abruptly after his dad was arrested and sent to prison. Whenever I would go visit Ryan he had such a forlorn look, very sad when we left. I kept telling him he could come home anytime but he wouldn't. He told me after he did come home that his dad was strung out on crystal meth and he felt obligated to stay and take care of him. I think he was thankful in a way that his dad was arrested because then he didn't have to make the choice to leave him. It was all very sad. Ryan learned what his dad was like, which I think was good for him in a way.

As far as I know, they now only communicate through FB. Ryan doesn't ever say anything about visiting his dad or talking to him or anything.

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Even for health insurance, we only have to show proof we live together and have shared bills. For the kids it is actually harder because the insurance wants proof they are financiallly dependent, and alot of their "proofs" we dont have. #1 is a daycare bill. next are medical bills - recent ones - which we dont have really either since we dont do well baby visits.  I can't even offer formula or diaper receipts. It was a struggle, but I finally talked to someone and was able to get them covered. it's very frustrating! (you would think having just paid a medical claim for labor and delivery, the fact I'm adding a dependent would be a duh!)

 

MW: that is sad about Ryan's dad. witnessing so much divorce around, and I think the other parent either needs to completely get out of the picture or step up and be an equal co-parent. anything in between wreaks havoc on the kids.

 

That sucks about cutting out dairy. Norah has wicked smelling farts, but doesn't ever seem to be in gas pain. I think probiotics would help . . . but I've been lazy, as the farts just stink and I can deal with that.

 

JJ: I can't sleep that late! I don't know if I am a morning person, or was just conditioned from early on, but Norah and I both are always up that early. oy. DS and DH are the ones who can and do sleep late. I love coffee!

 

we got a great deal on our pictures. we wanted a pro photographer, but told him if he didn't mind, just hand over the CD with the images and we would do the rest as far as printing and organizing, and he did. My dress was about $300. I paid another $75 in alterations, to have the cap sleeves sewn in (instead of just snapping) and for the dress to be hemmed.


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This is what I typed up last night. Sorry it's so long! It was such a new thing to have time to write uninterrupted :

 

 

Oh my god guys, I’m on the couch… online, alone, with no one in my arms! DH is in bed with Tenley. I’m not sure if I’m more excited for him or for me. He keeps trying to take her to bed at night to give me a bit of time to either get some stuff done or have time for myself, but she’s been having such trouble getting to sleep lately that it hasn’t happened. Tonight she nursed three times in a row (less than 20 minutes in between feeds) and then conked out on me on the couch, and after 30 minutes was still asleep, so he just took her to bed, and she’s miraculously still sleeping. My gosh I needed this!

 

Ok so to continue on from earlier… I do think she has colic, in the constant crying, hard to soothe type way. I don’t necessarily think it’s a different physical ailment (other than the reflux), but I do see a lot of signs of sensory processing issues in her. It makes me sad, because I do have some of that too, and it’s not fun as an adult, so I feel for her as a baby who can’t control her environment. That’s part of what makes me feel like having a routine (not schedule!) will help her in knowing what to expect and what’s going on around her, and make her feel more settled. But we’ve noticed with things like, the shower calms her down immediately, no matter how upset she is, it’s like you can see her brain relax and her eyes come back in focus. Or if we’re in the car or something, then I have to get really close to her and “ssshhhhhhhh” constantly in her ear and that will usually do it to- it’s like you can see on her face the relaxation. She has certain positions sometimes that she will only calm down in. She doesn’t really like being touched in terms of rubbing her head or hands, and she hates being massaged. Just funny eccentricities like that. So I’m trying to keep that in mind when we try to develop routines and when trying to soothe her.

 

I’m trying to remind/convince myself that it’s ok to ask for help. I feel like since she’s two months old, we should be settled already and not need help. But we really are still struggling. Some days are great, and I get stuff done and feel wonderful and so relaxed and hopeful, and then we have other days and I feel like I can’t keep my head above water. Today was even a ‘good’ day in terms of her fussiness, and still, when DH got home at 3:30pm, all I had eaten all day other than water was a piece of breakfast casserole that I prepared last night. I had another piece of it cold before we went grocery shopping (while simultaneously nursing her and writing that last post) and that’s all I had a chance to eat until 9pm tonight. I mean really, that’s ridiculous. I’m breastfeeding—I need to be at the very least eating enough to sustain myself! I keep trying to find better easy snacks/meals, but I’m a picky eater (back up to that sensory issue) and so most of the quick healthy stuff, I won’t eat. Or it’s quick, but not healthy. We don’t own a microwave by choice, but it’s getting to the point I think we’re going to have to buy one so I can buy microwave meals like MW was saying. Otherwise I’m just not eating enough during the day. Even something like cheese and crackers, I can rarely put her down long enough to actually cut and prepare—she shrieks the whole time. I’ve been trying to make better use of the wrap, so I can do stuff without putting her down, but it’s hard on days when she screams as soon as she lets the nipple out of her mouth.

 

Anyways—the point of that was that I think I’m going to try to enlist help once a week for two hours or so. Enough that I can nurse her, have someone show up to play with/hold/distract her, and I can do whatever, whether it’s chores or just me time. DH tries, and he’s great with her, but two problems-- him being back at work and being distracted by other things (ie he’s preparing for a job related fitness test that’s next week, and has NOT had enough time to devote to it) means that I feel bad handing her off, because he’s got things to do too. And secondly, because I’m still here, he’s more apt to get frustrated that she won’t calm down and hand her back… and so I never get a chance to truly relax, I keep waiting for him to bring her back.

 

Man, it’s amazing how much faster you can type/think when your mind is fully devoted to it, and not simultaneously trying to distract a 2 month old and prevent the dog from wreaking havoc. MDC is down, so I’m writing in word and I’m already at 2 pages, blame it on the fact that I haven’t journaled since she was born, for lack of time.

 

I’m still frustrated about the vaccinations. I want her to get the pertussis. But I don’t feel like the tetanus needs to be given until probably about age 2. But if I wait that long, then the pertussis part of it is pretty much useless. And if I’m going to give pertussis, I have to give tetanus diphtheria at least… so why not go all the way and give the five in one, and add in Hib and polio, you know? But then I’m like what the heck… now I’m back to the recommended vaccine schedule, and that’s exactly what I wanted to avoid. I –think- I’m going to hold off all of them until 4 months, and at least give her body a little bit more time, and then probably give the five in 1, and then at 5m give the prevnar, and alternate them… but I still don’t feel great about that. I just don’t see another option.

 

Ok… re: cigarettes. I would not, and will not buy for my children. I also will not buy for anyone else. It’s a bit different because they are slowly basically phasing out smoking here—you cannot smoke indoors anywhere, and they’ve even made it illegal at outdoor sporting fields—ie soccer and baseball fields when you’re watching your kids play. So it’s much less accepted in society here. But anyways, I think with what we know about cigarettes, it’s akin to –knowing- that your child (or parent, or spouse, or whomever) is going to drive drunk, and then still buying them alcohol. No, it’s not guaranteed to kill them (or someone else, which is possible in both cases), but you’ve got a good chance of it. I know you say that he’s an adult, and it doesn’t feel right to be dictating his choices, but it comes back to the old parenting quote ‘when you know better, you do better’. If another mama was letting her kids cry it out, you wouldn’t just say “oh well, she’s an adult and made that choice, so I shouldn’t say anything”, you would share your knowledge about what she’s doing and refuse to support the practice. I think it’s the same with smoking. I know how harmful it is, and therefore I cannot support someone elses use of it. My mother smokes, and I let her know all the time that it disgusts me, and saddens me that she is risking her life for a temporary pleasure. She’s potentially giving up time with her children and grandchildren for this vice, and I don’t see why I should feel compelled to ‘spare her feelings’, when it’s something that matters to us. Just as she can choose to ignore me, Ryan can choose to ignore you, but at least you know that you did your part to attempt to stop it.

 

MDC being down is really cramping my post response.

 

Lauri—I don’t say it often enough because the words really don’t seem sufficient, but I am so proud of you girls (and the rest of the family). You are so strong, and I can’t imagine being placed in that position, but you have handed it all with so much grace and poise. I’ve told DH all about Ava, and he came in the other day and I was so excited to show him the pink toenails picture, he may think I’m a bit weird, but he smiled and celebrated with me.

 

MW—I just wanted to say I’ve been so impressed with how much it seems like Ryan has changed lately. It used to make me so sad to read about your struggles, and how he didn’t seem to care or contribute at all to the household. It seems like he’s really stepped up in the last few weeks, and that makes me so happy. You deserve some help around there, you’ve got a hard job!  I was also glad to see your posts about Sean seeming more willing to make things work and actually try different things when he gets home. It’s so hard to feel like your partner is listening, or even worse, is listening and just doesn’t care. Hopefully he’ll follow through and things will change once he’s home.

 

Ok, three pages later and I’ve exhausted my memory of what we’ve been saying over the last little while. Am I missing any questions people had for me? I feel like I am, but that’s a lot of pages of posts to read through!


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#21 of 407 Old 02-02-2012, 11:35 AM
 
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Quote:
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JJ ~ I need to remember that it's a matter of perspective. I get a lot less angry if I keep in mind that D is not doing that stuff just to piss me off. He's doing it because he's a baby, maybe he's in pain or just not sleepy anymore.
But if and when Ryan ever said he wanted to see his dad, I would do what I could to make that happen. I never talked bad about his dad. Whenever Ryan asked why his dad didn't see him, I would just say that he was sick (because he was addicted to crack cocaine when we broke up and had not gotten treatment that I knew of but I didn't tell Ryan that part).

Oh I agree. Nights like last night it's frustrating, but she's up and happy, so I find it hard to be upset at her. I'm angry in general, but not at her. It's moreso when she wakes up shrieking the second I lay down... 10 times in a row... that I start getting so worked up about it. Even then, I know it's not her fault. I'm moreso frustrated at the situation and myself for not knowing how to fix it. 

 

I have divorced parents, a -very- rocky last few years of their marriage and divorce, and as one of those children I applaud you for taking the high road. My parents both had shortcomings- my mother is a serial liar and storyteller and carried on a long term affair for what I can guess was at least the last year of my parents relationship (and is now married to the guy). My father was emotionally abusive, had several, several flings during the years, and had one hell of a temper (we often had broken drywall, because he would put his fist through it in a fit of rage). He also threw a ton of $hit during the divorce, including trying to turn my mothers friends and family around her, breaking into the house and taking photos to show to the judge, stealing her things (ie wedding rings...) and then accusing her of being the one stealing things, etc etc. Anyways, like I said, both at fault. But while my mother had issues, tons of them, she never spoke a bad word about my father, and we never felt made to choose. My father used every chance he could to put us against her, and talk about how poor a mother she was, and how she cared about anything else other than us, etc etc. It really poisoned us, not against her, but at him, for saying those things. It's so hard to be put in the middle, even when the things that parent is saying are true. 

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JJ: I can't sleep that late! I don't know if I am a morning person, or was just conditioned from early on, but Norah and I both are always up that early. oy. DS and DH are the ones who can and do sleep late. I love coffee!

I'm the opposite, I've always been a late sleeper, and do my best work at night as well from 8pmish until 2am. I have to work to train myself to get up earlier when I'm working, and I still struggle with it. DH is the opposite. He ideally goes to bed before 10 and wakes up at 7. 

 

Oh, about passing off and taking turns with her. We've tried it, and we do it during the day, but DH gets frustrated too easily/early, and he tries to calm her for 5 minutes or so, but then when she doesn't, he tends to do things that wake her up and upset her, rather than calming and relax her. It just frustrates me, and then I end up going and getting her anyways, but then she's worked up, and I'm frustrated. I just make up for it by getting a bit of alone time during the day when she's calm, but at night, it just hasn't been working. 


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#22 of 407 Old 02-02-2012, 12:07 PM
 
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I don't every pass a nursing baby off (as in taking turns). because I just can't ever say for sure that she's not hungry. DH gets to deal with DS instead :D that and it sounds awful, and maybe a bit snooty, but the fact is that BOTH kids will calm faster for me than nearly anyone else. It is very hard to let other people try, when I know I can do better!

 

JJ: so glad that you have time to yourself for a bit! that mama mantra - this too shall pass - is very true. then on to another thing!

 

Smoking and parents: my sister has tried what you do with your mom (lets our parents know how much it bothers her, etc) and all I have seen it do is drive a wedge. On one hand, I don't want to enable the smoking, OTOH I want to maintain our relationship. It's not something I'm willing to fight about.

 

Irony: my sister married a smoker. LOL

 

Today is a good day - weather is beautiful so DS is spending as much time as possible outside! hooray!


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JJ, that all in one vaccine scared the crap out of me. If you can get the vaccines separate, why wouldn't you? Do the dtap, wait, then do the other two. Doing the all on one just bc you're thinking of doing those other shots anyway doesn't make sense. If you would break up the dtap or mmr, it only follows the same logic to do as many solo vaccines as there are ones available. Make sense??

re handing over a nursing baby: if they just ate, and mama is fried Daddy can handle an hour. If baby is still fussy after an hour, I'll nurse again, but usually they're fine in that time. Maybe not with like, a, one week old, but 2 months? I think that's ok.

JJ, yes, getting up at 530 seriously sucks!! I am not a morning person. Luckily Finn wakes up happy, and is content to play on his own while I drink my coffee!! I hope T continues to let you sleep in. Up until last week, Finn was letting me sleep till 8. And I was complaining about 7!! I'll take 7!! 530 is so early!!!

Mw, that's sad about Ryan's dad. I too think it's great how much he's changed over the last few months. Amazing. It must have been hard for him to see what he has seen, but I'm sure he learned a, lot from it in a good way.





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#24 of 407 Old 02-02-2012, 02:46 PM
 
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DH and I have been together about 8ish years and married married for 5 in a couple weeks. 

 

AnnieA - although I didn't get professional wedding pics I DID get lots of good pics in general which I love. I am just such a picture person I wish I had some really good framable ones. It was freezing out though (even though the day before was freaking gorgeous AND the days after!) so we wouldn't have been able to get many outdoor ones. BUT with the white snow and freezing trees, it would have been a couple cool looking ones orngtongue.gif 

 

I always thought I might want to do the whole big white dress, big reception thing for an anniversary, BUT I just don't think I will ever want to spend that kind of money on a party.......that lasts a couple hours. I would MUCH rather spend it on an awesome honeymoon! I didn't really get one because of the whole 7week old breastfeeding baby and all. OMG - what an awesome vaca you could get with like 10k - MUCH LESS the 30k some people spend! Shoot - you could travel the world on that much!

How long have you been married? The kids look young in the pic. 

 

BabyCakes -  yeah, I am pretty lucky with the fact that my body bounces back really quickly. I don't ever get big though - I will have to find a pic of me right before I had the baby. I look *maybe* 7ish months. Sometimes it is annoying though - because I don't look as pregnant as I feel! I have actually been asked if I was pregnant while at my gyn's office when I was 37weeks by another lady. Told in a store while x-mas shopping to "just wait until you are about to pop! you look waaaay to miserable already!" ummmm - I am almost 38 weeks &%$#!! LOL

I am not sure if we are doing anything super special for our anniversary. Arianna is at the "stranger danger" stage and doesn't like anybody.

FX that you get the stroller!

 

Mom2one - yes, I agree its funny when you see someone for the first time after only being "internet friends" I think you are the pic that stood out the most because I haven't seen a pic of you yet! LOL I also agree with MW about not really *knowing* what I thought you looked like, it's all vague.

As you can tell, I also didn't have a *real* wedding dress and I didn't mind. Although I never had dreams of my wedding or ever planned it out, so maybe I'm weird.

 

MW - under the law you would have to get divorced - but Sean would not have to get an annulment, because you guys are not even "married" as far as the church is concerned......if that makes sense.  For example, if Joe and I were to get divorced, I could legally get divorced but I could never re-marry in the church while he is still alive and vice/versa because we would still be married. We could technically get back together and never have to remarry and not be living in sin. 

 

akind1 - I love that!! I have never heard of anyone getting married in the sight of God but not "legally" married. I think with a common law marriage you do actually have to get a divorced if you ever want to marry someone else - or at least I know in my state if we ever filed jointly with our taxes we would have to get divorced to *ever* not file together. 

 

JJ - I hope this stage passes quickly for you! It is soooooo hard when your in the middle of it. I totally agree that you still need help! two months is still in the middle of the craziness! 

Who do you plan to leave her with? Are you actually leaving the house? I would be wary of leaving a colicy/screaming baby with someone unless I knew them *very very* well. Excessive crying can make even rational people do things they wouldn't normally do! I think there have been studies that a crying baby even raises a childs blood pressure!  lol.gif

 

AFM - we might get dumped on! It's hard to know because with the Rocky Mountains they can NOT forecast at all. The only way to know what the weather is, is to look outside! BUT - we are being told that we might get as much as 15 inches or something like that. 


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Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post

Someone asked me a while back how I handle things with Ryan's dad. I think maybe it was annie. I can't remember exactly what the question was.
We split up when I was 6 months pregnant with Ryan and his dad wasn't around at all until Ryan was around 5 years old. He visited a few times after that but never anything consistent. He never paid child support because I didn't pursue it. I didn't want to take the chance of him getting unsupervised visitation because I didn't think it was safe for Ryan. I always kept the mindset that I didn't have the right to keep Ryan from his dad but I did have the right to keep his dad from Ryan, if that makes sense. In other words, I didn't go out of my way to try to get Ryan's dad to pay attention to him or to even keep in touch with him myself. But if and when Ryan ever said he wanted to see his dad, I would do what I could to make that happen. I never talked bad about his dad. Whenever Ryan asked why his dad didn't see him, I would just say that he was sick (because he was addicted to crack cocaine when we broke up and had not gotten treatment that I knew of but I didn't tell Ryan that part).
They reconnected for a while when Ryan was 17. If you remember, Ryan went to live with his dad for about 6 months during that time. He had to come home abruptly after his dad was arrested and sent to prison. Whenever I would go visit Ryan he had such a forlorn look, very sad when we left. I kept telling him he could come home anytime but he wouldn't. He told me after he did come home that his dad was strung out on crystal meth and he felt obligated to stay and take care of him. I think he was thankful in a way that his dad was arrested because then he didn't have to make the choice to leave him. It was all very sad. Ryan learned what his dad was like, which I think was good for him in a way.
As far as I know, they now only communicate through FB. Ryan doesn't ever say anything about visiting his dad or talking to him or anything.


Oh yeah! I forgot about that - I hope I wasn't prying, it was actually the photo you posted that made me think about it. That's sad Ryan had to see that, but maybe it will actually help him make better decisions. Sometimes SEEING it first hand helps put into perspective what shit those people's lives are.

I was just asking because sometimes I wonder how K and her bio-mom will play out. I realized that K's bio-mom, her husband and sister etc. were on FB so I blocked them (I guess that feature does come in handy sometimes! LOL) 

K doesn't ask about her because I have been around since she was 3 and she doesn't really remember her bio-mom. I guess we will just have to see........

 


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#26 of 407 Old 02-02-2012, 03:03 PM
 
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The stroller was sold!! greensad.gif too good to be true. A BOB Revolution for $225. Can't believe I didn't get it!!

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Carrie SAHM to Nora Caitlyn (5) and Finnley Dax (2) homebirthing, breastfeeding, babywearing, intactivist, doula mama!         
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#27 of 407 Old 02-02-2012, 03:28 PM
 
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Annie, I'm with  you. I'd rather spend that money on a great vacation. DH and I did not have a honeymoon. We chose to take a trip with the kids and called it a "familymoon". We had a blast. There are pics from it on FB if you scroll down far enough. The kids do look really young in that pic! It was 4 1/2 years ago. They have all changed so much!

 

JJ and everyone else, thanks for all your kind words over the past few weeks. Just knowing that you guys have been cheering us on has been a HUGE help. I can just imagine your DH being like "ummm, how do you know this lady?!?" lol.gif I don't even bother trying to qualify how I know you guys anymore if I'm referencing something about you in a convo. I just say "my friend...blah blah blah". My DH knows that I've never met any of you. He used to have an issue with me revealing "private" stuff on here but he's gotten over it. Dealing with DD's medical issues I think are sort of like how MW just deals with being a single parent (for the most part)...there's no other choice so you just do it. It is interesting to me how desensitized DH and I have become to seeing her in the hospital. Other people comment all the time how the pictures of her in the hospital make them cry. Logically, I can understand how that would be upsetting to see a little one in such a vulnerable position but it doesn't upset us anymore. The things that do upset me are seeing pics of other heart babies that I know have passed away. And those are upsetting to me because I know how upset I've been when I consider losing DD. There are things that I have done to help me cope better with this situation. I make myself EXTREMELY involved in DD's care. To the point where I'm pretty sure I piss off the nurses because it interferes with how they normally do stuff. Towards the end of DD's stay, she kept getting the charge nurses assigned to her as her regular nurse. blush.gif May have been a coincidence but I don't think so! But I pay attention to everything that is being said, done, prescribed. I have a pretty strong background in medicine so I understand what they are talking about. I question anything and everything that doesn't feel or sound right. I make the residents check with the interns, the interns check with the fellows and the fellows check with the attending. I don't care if it makes your job a little more difficult, it's DD's life. When they wanted to start her IV the night before her surgery instead of doing it that morning when she got down to the OR, I pushed back on that order for HOURS before I would finally agree to it and that was only after they had the cardiology fellow come talk to me and explain it better. I made them get a nurse from the NICU to start her IV because she's a hard stick. Yes I'm that mom. But you know what? I just did not care. My job is to always advocate for the best care for DD and I will not stop.

 

MW, I agree w/JJ. I'm so happy for you for the changes in Ryan. He's really turning in to a great young man!

 

I had really gotten to the point where I was a morning person but since I work evenings/nights now, I'm turning in to a late morning person again. DD woke up at 8:30 this morning and it was a struggle to drag myself out of bed!


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#28 of 407 Old 02-02-2012, 03:37 PM
 
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See now that I can stay home and ignore it, I love snowstorms. There's something so magical and peaceful about them. 

 

Carrie-- Boo on the stroller! It's so disappointing to feel so close to something only to have it not work out. We love our Elite if it sways anything :) lol I'll be singing the praises of this thing for a while now. We went on a walk the other day, and I had way more trouble walking in the snow than it did. 

 

And no, not planning on leaving the house, just things like having time to prepare a few meals ahead of time, and handwash some dishes, or silly me things like painting my nails and toenails, and then plucking my eyebrows. We went out for dinner for our anniversary and left her with my sister in law, but I definitely don't plan on that being a regular occurance. We spent half our dinner messaging back and forth with SIL about how DD was doing. I just want to be at home with her, but have someone else hold her for a bit so I can be productive. My mother however, keeps thinking that we're just itching to get away from her, and offering to take her out to their house for the night/weekend. Ummm yeah, not happening. Even if I did have 50ounces of pumped milk, and didn't think I would go crazy missing her-- my mother lives almost an hour away! Why would I want to take that chance that she might actually need me, and have to wait an hour for it. seriously?!

 

 


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#29 of 407 Old 02-02-2012, 03:50 PM
 
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Oh! And Carrie, I think it was you that mentioned being home still, versus having to return at six weeks. All i can say is BLOWS MY MIND! I really can't imagine it. DH was home with me for 6 weeks, and I can't even imagine not having that, which is what makes me so nervous to have another one. I can't imagine -myself- going back at 6 weeks too!


Doula mama, medic daddy and Tenley Harper born naturally 11/29/11 delayedvax.gifbfinfant.giffemalesling.GIFcd.gif

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#30 of 407 Old 02-02-2012, 05:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've been out playing with some friends and then basketball so have missed a lot. No way I can remember and respond to everything I want.

Eyebrows! I gave up plucking mine. I get them waxed when I take the boys for haircuts.

Cheese and crackers sounds like an easy and quick snack but it's really not. That's why I resorted to cheese sticks. Crackers and hummus is a bit easier because you don't have to slice anything. Scooping peanut butter out of the jar with a celery stick is quick. What else? Peanut butter on an apple. You don't even have to peel the apple, just smear the peanut butter on it and take a bite. Or take a bit of apple and eat some peanut butter off a spoon. Don't worry about manners or civility. No one is looking except maybe Tenley. winky.gif I struggled with getting enough protein. If you eat it, deli meat is quick. Just eat the slices with your hand. I know none of that is the healthiest but when you're desperate, you eat what you can get. KWIM? It won't kill you to eat that way for a few months.

Carrie ~ Bummer about the stroller! greensad.gif

JJ ~ Once you have kids, you will always need help. Anyone who thinks you shouldn't doesn't have a clue.

I was not married to Ryan's dad. I was married to someone else before I met him. We were only together married for a year and a half, I think. I was 18. He was 20. It was ridiculous and I knew it by the time our wedding came around but I didn't have the guts to call it off. I was legally married to him for 10 years, though, because I didn't have the money for a divorce and didn't know where he was and just didn't see the need to get divorced any time soon since I had no intentions of ever getting married again. lol.gif

My parents got divorced when I was 4. It was not an amicable divorce, although neither of my parents talked bad about the other. I could feel the hate from my dad, though. When I was 15 my stepmother told me some horrible things about my mom and it really messed me up. That's why it was so important for me not to do that to Ryan. I know firsthand how kids can assume the flaws of their parents and then think themselves bad people.

Thanks for the kind words about Ryan. He can be a major pita but he's my child so I will always love him and never give up on him. I think a lot of his behavior has to do with his ADHD. I struggled for a long time with him being diagnosed with that. It was back in the days when a lot of people didn't think it was a real medical or behavioral problem. Those people blamed all of the child's behavior on parenting. Anyway, because of that I've always said he's about 2 years behind his peers and responsibility type maturity. He's mature in other ways but because he has problems with impulse control he's not very responsible. I think also, while he feels deeply for others, he doesn't always have compassion for another's situation. He sometimes misses those subtle distinctions or circumstances or whatever. It's hard for me to explain because it's very contradictory. He also has some anger toward me about his childhood, which I can understand. Some is the misplaced anger of the child of an absent parent but some is the result of my parenting. I was ill-equiped for and didn't want to be a parent when he came along so it was all very difficult for me and he suffered because of that.

Kat ~ That's what I've found with any addiction. It doesn't help to express scorn for the addicted person. If any, it creates a rift. There are ways to support the person and not the behavior without having to express disapproval for the behavior, I think. Cigarette smoking is a physical addiction for the majority of people who smoke. I try to keep that in mind and have compassion. I smoked for a lot of years and when Ryan was young so I can't really judge him for it. I quit just before I met Sean.

Oh, Sean and I were together about a year and a half before we got married, so a total of 13 years so far. It's different when you're married, though, even if you lived together beforehand, don't you think?

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