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-   -   Do you not leave your baby with people other than your spouse? (

escher 07-03-2012 11:00 AM

I'm not trying to start a debate. I think that leaving your baby with family members, friends, babysitters, nannies, daycare providers, or other people can be a great choice for both babies and parents.

I'm just wondering if there is anyone else in a similar situation. Our baby is eight months old, and so far we've never had a situation where he wasn't with my wife and/or me. He is often in a different room from us, and occasionally he has been in the yard with another family member while we've been inside, but we haven't yet had him farther away than that. This wasn't something that we planned, but we just haven't needed to leave him yet and we prefer to have him near us.

Anyone else?

Nicole730 07-03-2012 11:13 AM

My little newborns are always with me, maybe I left my second child with my husband while I went to the store, but that is it.  After a few months, I feel more comfortable having baby alone time with daddy.  I think my mom babysat my first for a few hours so we could go out for an anniversary dinner, but usually the baby is always with me.  Especially with having two otherkids now, I wouldn't leave them all with a babysitter (only my mom, dad, or sister) anyway.  Itis partially because we have no need to,but mostly because we don't want to.  

rubidoux 07-03-2012 11:34 AM

My older son was left with a friend for the first time at 2 1/2 and my younger one is 3 1/2 and has never been without dh or I.  I'm sure if we had had family around they would have been left with them a bit, but our families are on the other coast and we don't really have the money for extra child care.  Plus, I haven't ever really had the hankering to be away from them.  There have been times, like for dentist appointments, that I wish it were easy to just call up our regular person and drop him (or them) off for a couple of hours.  But when you don't have a regular person it seems easier to just make sure one of us can cover for the other.  


Until recently I never felt like I needed any sort of date night thing.  I don't exactly feel like I need it now, but for the last couple of months, I've been studying after the kids go to bed for a test that's still three weeks away.  It has been fairly grueling and I haven't had almost any time with dh alone.  Before studying, I was fine with us hanging out for the couple of hours after the kids went to sleep.


My older one did great when he started school, never cried or worried about us leaving.  But my little one is more worried about where I am, like if he doesn't see me right away he gets a little freaked.  And I tried a couple of times to leave him in the Y play area, which he thought looked like great fun, but he didn't want to be there without me.  So, I'm a little worried about leaving him for preschool in september if we manage to come up with the money for it.  His teacher would be a close friend of mine who he really likes, so my fingers are crossed...


eta:  I am the only one I know IRL who doesn't use babysitters or other childcare almost ever, but I think I may also be one of the oldest of the moms I know.  (I'm 42.)  Dh and I had a long stretch of freedom before we had kids and I think we're both just more interested in being with the kids than going out and doing other stuff.  A lot of my younger friends, I think, kind of have to work that stuff into their lives with their kids.  My mom was 19 when I was born and had no money, so I wasn't with babysitters a whole lot when she wasn't working, but I was at all the parties with her and slept many nights under barroom tables with the children of her friends, which I actually remember as a great thing!  So, while my friends look at me like I'm deprived for never getting out, I don't think that's quite right.  I'm just at a different place.  

lvvq 07-03-2012 11:37 AM

this is a good question. i'm going to be a stay-at-home mom, and wanting to do everything I can to avoid leaving the baby with anyone but my husband. i'm not anticipating a great response from my in-laws about this, so i'm curious to see how others have handled the situation as well.

pelene 07-03-2012 11:44 AM

I have rarely left my kids (in my free time) with others at all.  I think a big part of it is that I work so feel I am away from them enough.  Also I am not drawn to moms night out activities or being with my friends without my girls.  This makes me a bit unusual in my local community but that is fine with me!

Ramzubo 07-03-2012 12:51 PM

DS is only 5 months, but he's never been left with anyone other than DH. I don't see that changing anytime soon. 

People are mostly free to watch him at the house as long as I'm there. Like rubidoux we don't live near family so we don't often have that option, but we don't leave DS with them when they do visit. Recently my mom was trying to convince me to leave DS with her for the day while we attended a sporting event. She said that's what grandparents are for, but I was like yeah, no thanks. Instead we got him a hat, some sunglasses and a jersey so he's ready to go with us. We tend to do things that are kid friendly so there's no real need to leave him.

Alenushka 07-03-2012 01:08 PM

Of course I left my baby with people other than my husband. If I did not, I would still be working for $10 an hour.


I come from culture where it is normal for grandparents to care for kids and we believe that children learn many thing from grandparents.

When my mom died, I used a nanny.

katt 07-03-2012 01:19 PM

the only people i've left my baby/child with is my MIL, my sister, and my mom.  All after the age of 6 months.  He's 5 now and still hasn't been 'babysat' by someone other then those 3. There are very few people i feel comfortable leaving my child with (not 100% with MIL actually, but the few times we were in town).  Now that he's older he's actually asked to play with friends without me or daddy around.  He wants to be baby-sat.  LOL  I have no problem with it NOW, he's old enough to be verbal and talk to the care-provider and to me afterwards.


We'd only use a few handful of friends that he already knows and I'm comfortable leaving him with.


DH and I like to do things as a family and we enjoy hanging out with ALL of us.  I don't see anything wrong with that. 

C is for Cookie 07-03-2012 01:29 PM

It's just me, DBF, and DBF's dad that watch DS.  One extreme case was when I needed a ride to get to school on time; DBF forgot to take the carseat out of the car when he went to work. DBF got his best friend to come over and watch him for a little bit until his grandpa came back to take over. I don't trust his best friend but he took along his gf and their toddler son to play with ds so it was alright. 


When DS was a newborn, DBF's older sister was living with us at the time and had no job. She offered to watch him sometimes when I needed rest (She was kind of like a post partum doula lol) With school and a newborn, it was difficult on me. So, I let her watch and play with him for a couple of hours while I slept. Without her, I would have gone insane. wild.gif Now, she has a baby of her own to take care of and is living somewhere else. 


One person I wouldn't trust with DS is DBF's niece. She is 15 y/o and clearly doesn't like toddlers. She loves babies though. lol.

MichelleZB 07-03-2012 04:42 PM

Well, I've been on leave from work to take care of the baby, so... I don't have any reason to leave him. He's 6 months.


He'll have to stay with a nanny when I go back to work when he's 10 months.

bri276 07-03-2012 07:25 PM

I didn't leave DD1 with anyone but DH until she was over 2- and only very rarely even then with my mom. 


In retrospect, I had PPD and severe anxiety.  I also had one very easy going baby and didn't work! 


Now both kids stay with grandparents and trusted friends regularly.

Altair 07-03-2012 07:35 PM

We both worked FT when my son was young, but split our shifts so that 99% of the childcare was done by us.  That said, we did do occasional date nights happily, with either my in-laws watching him or my friend.  We started to use a few hours here and there of friend babysitting to supplement our split shifts within the first year, and right before he turned 1 we took our first overnight trip alone.  None of this ever affected our nursing or attachment.  


Since he's been a toddler/preschooler, I'm more than happy with date nights, an overnight at the in-laws, or even a quick weekend get-away.  Different things work for different families-- but for us, he's always been so flexible and he's excited to spend the night at his grandparents.  They spoil him and take him out all day and tire him out and stay up late having dance parties and watching Sound of Music.  He also started 6 hours a week of preschool at age 2.5, which has added so much joy to his life.  Every day since the school year has ended, he says wistfully "I miss my teachers and friends!"  


With our new baby coming, I'll be able to stay home from work until about 4.5 months, then after that we'll need to find a few hours a week of childcare to supplement our tag team schedule, since my partner's job has gotten more demanding since our first was a baby.  


I love spending time with my family, but I do also enjoy having a bit of one on one adult time with my partner.  It always refreshes our relationship. We are planning a belated honeymoon at some point and I want to wait until this baby is older so that I can actually go somewhere and just focus on us and not all night nursing fests.  :-)


Wanted to offer a different opinion here.  

Ms Rabbit 07-04-2012 06:35 AM

It took until around the 12 month mark before I had to leave my boys with someone else, and only because Mat Leave was ending and I needed to head back to work. DS1 is 3 and Ds2 is 16 months, and they have only been cared for by my sister, who is their nanny while I am at work.Now that I am back to work f/t, I am only away from them while I am working, DH and I don't take date nights, and I don't take 'me time' outside of the house. Working keeps me away from them much more than I'd like, so I have no desire to be away from them anymore than that. MIL jokes that I hog them, but I just love spending time with them!

Honey693 07-04-2012 02:50 PM

I rarely did with my first, but I did much more with my second.  I've found out that I am a much nicer mom and wife when I have a date night or just some random time a lone every few weeks.  Since having my first I I have a really close friend that I trust completely and both kids will stay with her sometimes (DD2 since she was a month or so old) for things like shortish date nights or dental appointments.  The older they are, the longer I feel ok leaving them.  Same with my mom and MIL when they visit or we head to see them.  They also stay at the gym daycare from 6 weeks on b/c I don't really consider that leaving them since I'm in the building.

Zirconia 07-05-2012 11:10 AM

I left DD with grandma for a couple of hours at a time, for a handful of times, when she was a newborn (doctor's appointments, a quick errand, etc), but I was breastfeeding and tried to avoid missing a feeding.  Now at 6 months, she is developing stranger anxiety and won't go to grandma for more than a minute, so that's come to a stop until she's over it!  I'm not pushing the issue - I'd rather her be with me or her Daddy anyway, and I feel too protective over the baby stage.  When she's older and more independent, I look forward to occasional babysitting by grandparents and possibly very close friends, but only if DD enjoys it.  I don't think it's strange at all to have an 8-month-old that's always with you, but I do think at some point, many kids are enriched by time with people other than parents.


Incidentally at our wedding, DH and I had a very small, formal venue, and we made the difficult decision not to invite kids (mostly because we know too many and there wasn't room!).  I was so surprised how many friends/family had never left their kids before - I'm talking school-age children and older.  Now that I have a baby, I have a whole new perspective and would be planning a big old family picnic!

inkslinger 07-09-2012 10:31 AM

We don't leave any of our kids with others very often at all. My two older girls are 5 and 8, they have spent the night with grandparents and cousins a handful of times, and have had one sleepover at their best friends' (sisters) house. I just prefer keeping my kids close by, I guess. The baby hasn't ever been away from me, and won't be for longer than maybe an hour or so until I'm done BFing her :)

MrsGregory 07-09-2012 02:26 PM

I can't yet.  I've been thinking about it, kind of working myself up up to it.  I'll leave her with her Papa for a few hours... he's even taken her to the store, twice now.  But I can't leave her with anyone else.  She's 9 months.

grumpybear 07-09-2012 02:36 PM

That would be us.

We don't have family nearby so grandparent time is not an issue.

I have a 6yr old and a 3yr old who have never been babysat.

Hymanroth 07-09-2012 05:40 PM

Me. My husband can barely watch him! He's such a mamas boy. I would be lying if I didn't include the 3 times I've left my son with my mom (whom I trusted completely as he was a newborn, but now that he's a soon-to-be-toddler I'm iffy on her ways ... (another post:) and I probably won't be leaving him with her any time soon or with anyone for that matter. I would be open to hiring a mothers helper who would go with me places to help me :D ... but yeah. I don't leave him!

maeby 07-09-2012 07:33 PM

My son is 12 and never been more than 30 ft away from me in his life.

GoGoGirl 07-09-2012 07:41 PM

I never left dd1 at all when she was a baby.  I was a SAHM and I didn't even leave her with my husband so I could go out to the grocery store after she was asleep.  I never, ever, left her.  Looking back on it, it wasn't a healthy dynamic at all.  I struggled very hard with the "balance" B of attachment parenting!


Now I have another daughter, and I have a new routine of going to the gym every week day.  So I've been leaving her in gym daycare (it's the same lady every day, so she knows her and is really bonded with her) since she was 8 weeks old (and dd1 goes to daycare there too).  Honestly, I love getting a little break from her every day.  I love running while listening to my ipod, and then taking a shower all alone.  Now that I get a daily break to do some self-care, I'm in a much healthier place, mentally, than I was when dd1 was a baby.  We don't have any family nearby so this is the only way I can get time away from the kids. 

Drummer's Wife 07-09-2012 07:43 PM

Originally Posted by maeby View Post

My son is 12 and never been more than 30 ft away from me in his life.



Drummer's Wife 07-09-2012 08:00 PM

As to the OP: I was a SAHM for 10 years with 4 children. They were mostly with me, or DH, as babies. But, they happily stayed with grandma or MIL when we wanted a night out or when I'd go see Dh's band play. I am glad we were okay with this (and honestly, for our relationship and my personal sanity, we should have done it more - with a paid babysitter, even).

Now, they are big kids - 11, 9, 7, and 5 - a I'll gladly let anyone who can handle them take them (please!) .

My kids are all in summer camp, and my oldest has spent several weeks in another state with her cousins and aunt and uncle this summer.

They're still very much attached little people, fwiw.

It definitely gets easier to be away from them as they get older. In fact, you might beg willing people to take them! at some point. That's okay; it's normal.

rainface 07-09-2012 08:32 PM

When Little was 12 weeks old I had to go back to work, and my mom and dad provide childcare. I trust them absolutely, and she is very comfortable with them. I have left her with DH for an hour or so here and there but I'm hesitant as he doesn't read her cues or respond to her as promptly or warmly as I'm comfortable with (he's diagnosed ASD). Now that she's a little older (almost 9 months) he'll be watching her for a few hours in the morning once a week and in September he'll have her for two weeks while I'm at work. I'm nervous, but I think she'll be old enough to handle it by then (and I also don't have any other options). My in-laws made noises occasionally about us leaving her with them "for the weekend" until I very firmly shut them down. She sees them maybe once every couple of months, and their parenting philosophy gives me the willies.

Gracecody 07-10-2012 07:51 PM

It's reassuring to read all these other replies from people who are in the same boat! I have always been hesitant to leave my little ones with anyone besides my DH. We are real homebodies so aren't big on date nights. Even at church I prefer to hang out in the lobby or nursing room with my baby (9 mos) than have him go to the childrens ministry. When I worked in the past I did leave them but it was with a dedicated babysitter who came to our home, and not until they were at least 6 months old. This time around I am not working and am really happy to just be with my baby. If we had grandparents who lived close I would definitely leave the kids with them, but we don't, we'd have to hire a babysitter. I probably won't be interested in that for at least another 6 months...we'll see!

erigeron 07-10-2012 08:36 PM

I was really reluctant originally to leave my daughter with anybody except my husband and she was only with one of us up until 4 months or so, then with my mom a couple of times and even that was nervewracking. We've gotten more mellow as she's gotten older though. (she is now 1.) The "vetting" part of finding a babysitter is what worries me. She has only been watched by people we know quite well or who are highly recommended--grandparents, the church childcare has her for 1/2 hour-1 hour at a time most weeks, and we did leave her with my sister's fiance's parents once, who we don't know well but are recommended through him. I would more readily leave her with family friends than with a childcare provider I didn't have an existing relationship with.

Kaydove 07-11-2012 05:18 PM

I'm lucky, my adult step daughter (22 years) lives with us and DD ADORES her, so leaving her with step daughter is pretty easy. She has lots of babycare experience too.

D_McG 07-15-2012 12:25 PM

Originally Posted by maeby View Post

My son is 12 and never been more than 30 ft away from me in his life.

I assume you're kidding!

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