impact of father rage on babies under one year? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 07-29-2012, 01:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi everyone,

my partner has anger management problems stemming from an abusive childhood. he has it under control 90% of the time, but I worry about the impact of his anger tantrums on our 8 month old. when he gets angry he yells at me (which is not the example i want to pass on to our son about how men should treat women). last week he smashed a plastic trash can and a water pitcher while our son was under his care ( I was out of the house). Can anyone point me to research or articles that document the impact of fatherhood rage on babies? I feel like if I could show him some psychologist research or something like that it might help him to control himself or step out when he's on the edge.

 

thanks

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#2 of 4 Old 07-30-2012, 07:43 AM
 
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I don't have any articles handy, but it seems Googleable.  I was just wondering how your husband is actively managing his anger.  Does he have a therapist or support group that helps him process things and keep his big feelings in check?  

 

This is not what you asked, but I personally would not feel safe leaving my baby alone with someone--even the father--who has outbursts like this.  Are you and your baby safe there?

 

Hugs, Mama.  I hope you find the answers you need.  Sounds tough. grouphug.gif


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#3 of 4 Old 07-30-2012, 10:43 AM
 
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i would be concerned about safety as well. i would not leave the baby with him. and i have a husband who has frustration issues. it has taken a long time for me to get it across to him that he cant act like that around the kids. i do not leave the kids alone with him. he gets frustrated with them to easily. i dont think he would ever hurt them but i also know that people who wouldnt otherwise hurt someone can lose control if they get upset enough. i dont have any articles but babies exposed to that usually develop different brain connections. i had read research on it at one point.. when i was in therapy for battered women (my ex husband was violent and i left when my oldest was 6 mo). it can continue the cycle bc they learn that is how it works. 


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#4 of 4 Old 08-03-2012, 09:12 PM
 
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10% of the time NOT under control is a lot of time.  IMO- showing him research won't help.  He knows that the way parents act affects their kids- he is proof of that (although it sounds like perhaps a different degree/ different context).  He probably can't research his way out of this.  There are programs designed specifically for this.  If he is unwilling to work with a professional on this and is unable to control his "tantrums" and yelling at you [to be honest- that sounds like verbal abuse?] in front of your child- then I think you need to consider the health of your relationship.  This won't be fixed just because he/ you wants it to, or because he loves you/ his son/ you love him.

 

I don't mean to be a preachy downer.  I know that only the people in a relationship can truly understand what's going on.  But I also know the mentality of "strong feminist women like me don't get stuck in abusive relationships, therefore this isn't abuse, it's just an intense/ complex/ etc relationship."

 

If none of this rings true than ignore it an I apologize.  But I felt like I had to say it.    

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