What is the #1 thing you hear as a natural mama and wish you didn't? - Mothering Forums
Life With a Baby > What is the #1 thing you hear as a natural mama and wish you didn't?
philothea's Avatar philothea 04:36 PM 08-30-2012
So more experienced mamas are probably more used to this than I am (as a first-time mama to a 3.5 month old) but I have been shocked and amazed at the number of people and comments that come flying outat you when you have a baby. From your mother, to the cashier at the grocery store, to an old man on the street! I mean, I understand when people are well-intentioned but sometimes I wish I could just hit a MUTE button. A waitress told me I should give her solids! A 10 year old relative told me very passionately that I need to give her a pacifier.

So mamas... just for fun...what unwanted 'advice' or comments do you hear too much of or have been shocked by?

I'll start:

#3 "You really shouldn't hold her so much! She'll never learn to be independent and you're spoiling her."
#2 "You're feeding her again??!" [Looks at clock] "but didn't she just eat??!"

...and #1 "Crying is good for babies... it opens up their lungs!"
If I had a nickel for everytime I hear that last one and for how much it aggravates me... oh my gosh! Just had to vent. So let me know yours... I can't wait to read! smile.gif

artekah's Avatar artekah 04:47 PM 08-30-2012
Probably the thing that bothers me the most is people advocating cry-it-out.

Just my experience, if it brings you hope for the future: When the baby gets older it lessens and by the time they're 2-3 it's just a trickle. By the time you have a second child (if you're planning a second) stupid comments from people is a non-issue--whether they assume you know what you're doing because you have 2, or you just don't care so you're immune, it's hard to say--probably both. orngbiggrin.gif But my second is almost 13 months old now and I can't remember the last time I heard a stupid comment from a stranger. Now I just get the "oh my, you've got your hands full!" comment every time I leave the house.
Honey693's Avatar Honey693 08:13 PM 08-31-2012

Crying helps their lungs mature..  This one doesn't even make sense.  If their lungs weren't mature they'd be in the NICU.


Sharlla's Avatar Sharlla 09:30 PM 08-31-2012

that not vax or delay is neglectful and dangerous.


montessorimama1's Avatar montessorimama1 09:34 PM 08-31-2012

That formula is just as good as breast milk.

 

That I'm nuts to cloth diaper, it must be sooooooooo much work.  

 

That epidurals and other hospital interventions don't harm the baby.

 

That I could've died during our home birth.


CA Country Girl's Avatar CA Country Girl 09:50 PM 08-31-2012

The worst for me are all the nursing comments from relatives, such as:  "Your still nursing her and she's almost a year and a half?  Well it's more for you now; she doesn't need it anymore."

 

Another least favorite- "you should make her sleep in her own bed or she'll never learn to sleep on her own"

 

OP, I also hate the "put her down"/"you shouldn't hold her so much" comments.

 

As a "natural" mother, what I feel the most like in the face of these questions is that we are just big mama primates- our babies are supposed to cling to us for a couple of years. When they are slightly older, they venture away to play and know they can come back to be snuggled whenever they need it.  I don't explain myself this way to many detractors, not really wanting them to think of me as a gorilla, but it's kind of how I see myself when I am parenting a baby.


skycheattraffic's Avatar skycheattraffic 10:45 AM 09-01-2012
CIO/sleep training is the most irritating comment I get. Yes, my 17 month old wakes multiple times a night. Yes I nurse her down but I also have to potty or change her first because there isn't a cloth diaper on earth that will hold her overnight pee and not leak. We EC so most times she wakes, pees on the potty and gets the same clean, dry diaper back on. I think I'd be silly to encourage her to ignore her elimination signals.

The second most irritating thing is saying how I'm setting her up for potty problems by doing EC. So she's been on the potty part time from 11 months old. We have lots of misses and she's in CD full time but the other day after bathtime (she was naked) she went to the potty, sat down, peed and ran off to bring me a book. I don't care if she turns out to still need diapers at 3.5; at least I KNOW she won't be afraid of the potty.

Then there's the "you're STILL nursing?!" yep, I am. She loves it, I love it and often it's the only way to cuddle with my busy toddler. It makes bedtime/naptime easier for everyone. It helps her fight off her colds. It makes me much less stressed about what she will/won't eat each day. I actually got this comment from my own grandmother. I guess I won't be telling her about my hope to tandem nurse if I get pregnant again lol.

"just use pampers" ugh. I switched to cloth at 12 months and wish I'd done it sooner. Sposies smell so bad and pampers was terrible at containing EBF poop. Next kiddo will be cloth all the way. I actually think I might take them into the hospital with a big wetbag and each night DH could wash them at home. That's how much I never want to use another sposie if I can help it.

I vaccinate but would never consider a parent neglectful for delaying them or being selective. We each make the choices we feel are best for our children to the best of our knowledge. I would LOVE a mute button for well meaning advice too lol.

Ok, sorry. This turned into a bit of a rant. Feels good to get it out though :-D
philothea's Avatar philothea 03:40 PM 09-01-2012
Loved reading all this! I just want to clarify that I definitely don't mean in any way for this thread to pit one way of mothering against another...I just mean for it to be a place to vent. I already feel better knowing that I'm not the only one who receives gruff for my way of parenting. And I think you'll all agree that a mother should be supported more (and criticized less!) for trusting her own instincts for her child. smile.gif that's why I started this thread. smile.gif I already feel better knowing that you mamas stick to your gut, even in the face of opposition. Thank you! And keep posting... smile.gif
treehugz's Avatar treehugz 08:46 PM 09-11-2012

I heard all these with my first... now that she's almost 5 and I look back and am reminded of how short a time they are babies, I really can't understand everyone's push for encouraging them to be independent... don't hold her so much, let her cry it out, start solids at 3 months, quit breastfeeding by 12 months, start preschooling by 2 or 3, and on and on.  I don't get it... I LOVE singing my dd lullabies to sleep and watching her sleep in my arms and so many other wonderful things about being a mom that I never would have experienced if I had listened to this advice.  What fun is having babies if you don't do those things?  What memories do you look back on when they're grown up if you don't do those things? 

 

My least favorite: "You need to put that baby down or she's gonna expect you to always hold her... and you can't hold that baby forever!"  Hello, she's not even a month old!  And she won't always be a baby. 


philothea's Avatar philothea 11:19 AM 09-12-2012
Treehugz, thank you!! Its so good to hear that in the midst of raising my baby. In all honesty sometimes it feels like I'm going to be holding her in my armsfor 5 naps a day for the rest of my life! Lol.
I'm constantly making mental notes so that I remember (no matter how old/ experienced I get) to encourage and support other mamas and make sure I don't critize them. I definitely have a great absence and lack of support in my mothering situation right now so its sooooooo wonderful to hear from all you other lovely mamas! I am deeply encouraged and inspired! smile.gif thank you!
philothea's Avatar philothea 11:22 AM 09-12-2012
And oh yeah... by the way I am now constantly being told I should start her on solids since she just turned 4 months! And it's not said as a suggestion, it is though I'm being mean for continuing to breastfeed her. " Look how badly she wants to eat real food!" Oh my.
nstewart's Avatar nstewart 11:43 AM 09-12-2012
Quote:
Originally Posted by skycheattraffic View Post

CIO/sleep training is the most irritating comment I get. Yes, my 17 month old wakes multiple times a night. Yes I nurse her down but I also have to potty or change her first because there isn't a cloth diaper on earth that will hold her overnight pee and not leak. We EC so most times she wakes, pees on the potty and gets the same clean, dry diaper back on. I think I'd be silly to encourage her to ignore her elimination signals.
The second most irritating thing is saying how I'm setting her up for potty problems by doing EC. So she's been on the potty part time from 11 months old. We have lots of misses and she's in CD full time but the other day after bathtime (she was naked) she went to the potty, sat down, peed and ran off to bring me a book. I don't care if she turns out to still need diapers at 3.5; at least I KNOW she won't be afraid of the potty.
Then there's the "you're STILL nursing?!" yep, I am. She loves it, I love it and often it's the only way to cuddle with my busy toddler. It makes bedtime/naptime easier for everyone. It helps her fight off her colds. It makes me much less stressed about what she will/won't eat each day. I actually got this comment from my own grandmother. I guess I won't be telling her about my hope to tandem nurse if I get pregnant again lol.
"just use pampers" ugh. I switched to cloth at 12 months and wish I'd done it sooner. Sposies smell so bad and pampers was terrible at containing EBF poop. Next kiddo will be cloth all the way. I actually think I might take them into the hospital with a big wetbag and each night DH could wash them at home. That's how much I never want to use another sposie if I can help it.
I vaccinate but would never consider a parent neglectful for delaying them or being selective. We each make the choices we feel are best for our children to the best of our knowledge. I would LOVE a mute button for well meaning advice too lol.
Ok, sorry. This turned into a bit of a rant. Feels good to get it out though :-D

I've heard all these too!  If it makes you feel any better mama, my DS was an EC grad at 19 months and we've had no "potty issues" since!  And you're rigth, it doesn't matter how long they're in diaps, what matters is that you are responding to your daughter's needs!

 

The other one I've been hearing lately and I HATE: Kids need to be spanked sometimes. The usual justification is "Because sometimes they just need to know where the line is".  Really?  And the only way to teach your kid that you draw a line is to hit them??  Oh, and the kids that don't get a spanking are spoiled brats.  Um, no, kids who have parents who don't want to actually parent them are the kids you have to watch out for, IMO.  As DS becomes more wilful and asserts his independence I sometimes worry just HOW I will keep him safe and teach him to listen when he needs to, but I WILL NEVER HIT MY CHILD. 


treehugz's Avatar treehugz 12:33 PM 09-12-2012
Quote:
Originally Posted by nstewart View Post
The other one I've been hearing lately and I HATE: Kids need to be spanked sometimes.

Ugh, I hate that one too... and its cousin:  Sometimes babies just need to cry. 

 

Philothea, I totally hear you.  I held dd1 almost constantly including naps for her first 4 months before reading about high needs babies in the Dr. Sears book.  Then I learned about baby carriers, and I carried her everywhere.  I called her my velcro baby, lol.  


nilatti's Avatar nilatti 05:15 PM 09-12-2012

I'm really pissed about all the "AP is anti feminist" nonsense I've been reading lately. It's called attachment PARENTING, and the only parts my husband doesn't do are the ones that require a vagina, uterus, and/or breasts!


Lite 07:52 AM 09-13-2012

From my MOTHER:  You need a break from DS, you can't be with him 24/7, it's not good.  And that's why I have mommy issues...ugh.


skycheattraffic's Avatar skycheattraffic 09:08 AM 09-13-2012
I haven't heard the spanking one yet but I expect to get it when DD is 3 or 4. I plan to parent the way I was parented: with rules and expectations as well as compassion and empathy. Already my DD can be very spirited at times but she is learning what is negotiable (running around the house with a spatula and a strainer) and what isn't (running around a parking lot without holding hands). Luckily I have a pretty long fuse and as long as I can have an hour or two to myself every few days, I am pretty patient. I notice DH gets frustrated more easily but then again he's around other people's kids all day at work.

The anti feminism thing irks me too. I wonder what those people say about breastfeeding, taking maternity leave, being a SAHM, even giving birth and getting pregnant in the first place. I thought feminism was about making informed choices based on what fits a particular woman's values, goals and aspirations. I know I'm a lot more fulfilled taking care of my beautiful little girl than I would be working 40 hours in a job I'm overqualified for and spending two thirds of my pay cheque on daycare. Ugh. I didn't plan on being a SAHM but it worked out this way and I can't imagine leaving DD for 9 out of the 13 hours she's awake each day :-(
phantomlimb's Avatar phantomlimb 10:37 AM 09-13-2012

"She got to learn to be independent" ... she's 7 months old! How independent can she really be at this age? 


butterfly_mommy's Avatar butterfly_mommy 06:50 PM 09-13-2012
Quote:
Originally Posted by nilatti View Post

I'm really pissed about all the "AP is anti feminist" nonsense I've been reading lately. It's called attachment PARENTING, and the only parts my husband doesn't do are the ones that require a vagina, uterus, and/or breasts!

Oh this exactly!!!!!! I feel this way and the first time I heard this ridiculousness I was yelling at the radio "It's called attachment Parenting"

 

With my first my grandmother would always ask how long I was going to breast feed my DS for and I would say "oh maybe another 5 mins or so" (I was nursing him at the time she would ask)


nilatti's Avatar nilatti 08:20 AM 09-14-2012

After I posted in this thread, I decided to write a long rant about feminism/natural parenting on my bloggy... http://cinnamonandsassafras.wordpress.com/2012/09/12/this-is-what-a-feminist-looks-like/

 

Warning, it's crazy. :)

 

Oh, and another one I can't stand: My step mom, who works with young families, told me that babies need to cry to develop their lungs (!).


SunnyMuffin's Avatar SunnyMuffin 10:41 PM 10-04-2012

I think I live in a very crunchy belt of BC because no one ever says anything like this to me, except for my mom who questioned my decision not to circumcise, and said my son would be troubled with infections, but she had her kids 20+ years ago and I guess doesn't know any of the new recommendations.  


Natalya's Avatar Natalya 11:38 AM 10-07-2012
Quote:
Originally Posted by artekah View Post

Probably the thing that bothers me the most is people advocating cry-it-out.
Just my experience, if it brings you hope for the future: When the baby gets older it lessens and by the time they're 2-3 it's just a trickle. By the time you have a second child (if you're planning a second) stupid comments from people is a non-issue--whether they assume you know what you're doing because you have 2, or you just don't care so you're immune, it's hard to say--probably both. orngbiggrin.gif But my second is almost 13 months old now and I can't remember the last time I heard a stupid comment from a stranger. Now I just get the "oh my, you've got your hands full!" comment every time I leave the house.

 

Yeah, I almost NEVER get comments anymore, which I am SO glad about, these comments used to infuriate me. Especially because I read and researched so much about my parenting decisions, and these people were just spewing stuff they had heard before. ARGH. Now all I really hear is "Wow you homeschool? That is so much work" which doesn't make me mad as much as baffle me. Really, we spend two hour (at the most) doing formal homeschool-y type stuff, the rest of the day my 8 yo is just a part of our normal every day life. I suppose those people think I am doing the conventional school at home thing. Oh yeah, I get the hands full thing too, but that I like because it makes me feel like maybe someone understands.
Sol_y_Paz's Avatar Sol_y_Paz 12:00 PM 10-07-2012

CIO is a huge one and gets on my nerves to no end.  

Also the don't hold your own baby.  

Here is one that sticks out in my mind: sometimes babies just need some alone time.  Said to new parents when baby was just a few weeks old.  


element2012's Avatar element2012 09:50 PM 10-11-2012

"She's too attached".

 

This is bonkers to me!  How can a baby be too attached to her mama??

 

Or that she has to learn she can't always get want she wants, that holding her when she wants will turn her into a spoiled brat.  As if you can spoil a child with love.  Silly.  Things, yes; love, no.


weliveintheforest's Avatar weliveintheforest 10:07 PM 10-11-2012

"they shouldn't use you as a soother" and "Don't let them run the show" are probably the worst for babyhood, and later on it's

"they need to spend time with other kids to be socialized"


pek64's Avatar pek64 10:15 PM 10-11-2012
"You're crazy"; "that's crazy"; "no one in real life does that". Those are a few phrases I wish I never heard. (Fill in the subject : breastfeeding, attachment parenting, co-sleeping, and gentle discipline)
Kaydove's Avatar Kaydove 11:13 PM 10-11-2012

I get the judgemental "Oh" from my mom. Which could mean a whole host of unsaid things. Almost like saying "you're too stubborn for me to tell you how I feel about that". 


LLQ1011's Avatar LLQ1011 02:22 AM 10-12-2012

Formula will help him sleep through the night

 

"Are you ever going to give him a bottle?" or "Has he started a bottle yet hes already ___ months old"

 

Thats from my partners family constantly. Don't even get me started on him...


micromama's Avatar micromama 02:50 AM 10-12-2012
I'm so lucky my family is totally cool with AP, and DHs too for the most part.
The one that drives me nuts is one I hear from coworkers sometimes: "If they can tell you they want to nurse, theyre too old." What?!? Says who? Honestly the dumbest thing I've ever heard, and especially considering my DD started signing for milk very early. She's 2 now and can ask in a sentence... Why exactly does that make her too old to nurse?
Ok rant over smile.gif
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