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#31 of 47 Old 02-07-2013, 05:25 PM
 
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Ahhhh that paints a more complete picture and I understand better. Honestly I think you two should date again. Get grandma or a trusted friend to watch baby for a few hours, leave some expressed milk and go out just the two of you. Go have a nice meal or play some pool - whatever you used to enjoy together before baby. No pressure, no expectations, just reconnect and get to know each other again. I'm kind of like your DH - I had very little desire while pregnant and sex with baby nearby really creeped me out. Now DD is 22 months old and in the fall we really started to hit our stride again. Of course one act of spontaneity and now we're expecting baby number two lol. My libido is zero again - pregnant and nursing, the thing that turns me on most is not being touched for a few hours lol. Having said that, I feel most connected to DH and most open to the idea of physical intimacy when I've had a couple of hours to feel like myself and not just a mommy. I think you two wouldt feel closer with a bit of couple time to reconnect.
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#32 of 47 Old 02-07-2013, 05:53 PM
 
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Skycheattraffic you are always so thoughtful in your responses!

 

This does paint a much clearer picture. I agree with the above, try to carve out some "couple" time with NO pressure to have sex, and see where it goes from there. Also physical contact is important even if it isn't really sexual, sit together on the couch, rub his feet, etc.

 

My DH hates it if I "try" to act sexy (not that I ever have time to do that anymore) so I know exactly what you are talking about. The best advice I can give you is to do what works for YOUR family, not what your friends, people on mothering.com, etc say you should do. Co-sleeping is a wonderful thing if it works, but for your family it may not, and having a happy, healthy marriage is way more important to your child's well being than weather or not you followed every step of attachment parenting!

 

Also can you talk to DH about your feelings? Can you find a time that is very neutral and not when their is any pressure to initiate sex to talk about how you feel? Intimacy and sex is very important in my relationship with my husband and it sounds like it is to you too. It is how me and Dh reconnect after a busy day where we typically spend 14 hours or more apart from one another. I would maybe try to explore why DH feels so inhibited by the baby, nursing, even pregnancy. That part is difficult for me to relate to bc for me and DH all of that is actually a turn on...like omg we did this and it created that, our gorgeous son, who we just adore.

 

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#33 of 47 Old 02-07-2013, 08:56 PM
 
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Thank you avismama. You just made my evening. It's nice to hear that I can still sound coherent and thoughtful despite mommy brain and preggobrain working against me wink1.gif
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#34 of 47 Old 02-08-2013, 08:02 AM
 
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Thanks again both of y'all!

I know, I was coming here to talk about night waking and end up revealing every bits of my non-sexual life. I guess I need to talk about it and I have no friends here (moved away from friends and family) and DH is just tired of hearing about it.

We are supposed to have our first date since baby on Valentine's Day! We're very excited lol!

I try not to pressure sex but sometimes I just explode and start talking about it... The thing that you don't know is that he is older (55!) and last year he's been diagnosed with low testosterone (we still made a baby!)... After that he wanted to try shots of testosterone but for me it was a big no no. 1 - for his heart 2 - I'm sorry but it turns me a little off if you need to shoot yourself before making love. I tried to explain to him that being healthy will help him a lot in all spheres of his life, etc, and he does eat a little healthier but since the baby (he stays at home with him 4 days a week) he doesn't do any exercice beside once or twice a week when I say OK let's go take a walk!

BUT the thing is that he might say he has no desire, blahblahblah, he doesn't even TRY! I mean, we don't sit together on the couch, we don't kiss, etc, which he knows I need (more than sex). I'm at the point where I just look at him and want to eat him alive lol, and he knows it and feels uncomfortable about it... I know I need to be patient but after 6 months of no cuddle/sexual contact, it's getting really hard...


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#35 of 47 Old 02-08-2013, 09:09 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Jaxy View Post

Thanks again both of y'all!

I know, I was coming here to talk about night waking and end up revealing every bits of my non-sexual life. I guess I need to talk about it and I have no friends here (moved away from friends and family) and DH is just tired of hearing about it.

We are supposed to have our first date since baby on Valentine's Day! We're very excited lol!

I try not to pressure sex but sometimes I just explode and start talking about it... The thing that you don't know is that he is older (55!) and last year he's been diagnosed with low testosterone (we still made a baby!)... After that he wanted to try shots of testosterone but for me it was a big no no. 1 - for his heart 2 - I'm sorry but it turns me a little off if you need to shoot yourself before making love. I tried to explain to him that being healthy will help him a lot in all spheres of his life, etc, and he does eat a little healthier but since the baby (he stays at home with him 4 days a week) he doesn't do any exercice beside once or twice a week when I say OK let's go take a walk!

BUT the thing is that he might say he has no desire, blahblahblah, he doesn't even TRY! I mean, we don't sit together on the couch, we don't kiss, etc, which he knows I need (more than sex). I'm at the point where I just look at him and want to eat him alive lol, and he knows it and feels uncomfortable about it... I know I need to be patient but after 6 months of no cuddle/sexual contact, it's getting really hard...

 

Hi Jaxy--it does sound like your husband is making some excuses not to have sex. Most men (not all men, mind you, but all men I've known) don't have objections to the pregnant tummy or the milk-filled boobs. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

I think you need to allow your husband to explore testosterone replacement therapy if he and his doctor feel it might help. Low testosterone is a real thing, and it's not all his fault, and having some of that back might improve his sex drive and his zest for life.

 

As for the original topic of this thread, my 14-month-old still wakes multiple times in the night. It's slowly gotten better, so I'm just assuming it'll continue on that road until he sleeps through the night.

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#36 of 47 Old 02-08-2013, 10:31 AM
 
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I agree, if he is low on testosterone then his lack of desire is very closely related to that. Even in women testosterone governs sexual desire. Just like my pregnancy hormones are messing with my normal libido, his low testosterone is interfering with his desire. I understand the reluctance to medication but this isn't like Viagra: he doesn't need testosterone to be physically able to make love but to feel like himself again. I would be deeply hurt if DH was turned off if I needed hormone replacement therapy in menopause. In essence your DH is in the same situation as a woman needing HRT. He is 55 and the reality is that his body doesn't function like he is 35. I would ask him to try the testosterone and see if he gets more of his mojo back. If he's anything like me, he probably wants to be interested and is upset that he isn't. Good luck
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#37 of 47 Old 02-08-2013, 11:46 AM
 
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I am here to second the testosterone therapy.  It will do wonders for your DH's libido.  It has nothing to do with you, as men age and their testosterone levels fall, the libido can really suffer.  Most men have a drop in testosterone after 40 and it wreaks havoc on a man in the same way menopause wreaks havoc on women.  Supplementing his testosterone will bring back the vigor for life that young men have, sounds like a good thing to have!  Also, I've seen that there are creams if shots are really going to freak you out. To me it sounds like the excuses are a diversion from the fact that his libido is super low, you might find the tables turned on you if DH does decide to go for the hormone therapy. This will pass :)


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#38 of 47 Old 02-09-2013, 03:27 AM
 
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Hi there! New here
My baby is 6 months and us SAME! Sleeps 45 min naps and wakes up every 1:30 -2:30 at night ! I first put in his cot, go to bed and bring to bed with me on his first awakening!!!
Hes nursed to sleep however sonetimes hes so full he cries and nothing makes him stop ! Then i have to rock him and try to offer boob , he rejects it but i dont know how to make him sleep without it, so i keep offering untill he accepts and finally go to sleep! He now bit me 4 times greensad.gif, he has 2 bottom teeth and it hurts a looot ! ( omg is 21:27 and he just woke up for second time )
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#39 of 47 Old 02-09-2013, 11:29 AM
 
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Thank you very much for the encouragements, I will admit it, I never talked about this with anybody - not even DH, since for me testosterone shots were out of question. The thing is, he has heart disease conditions in his family (and actually had a mild heart attack in the past, but when I asked him about it tonight, he said that happened when his brother died, which I didn't know...!!!) and I'm scared of the shots... :( I do know that it's not his fault and although I sometimes feel resentment towards him, I'm not ugly to him about it... I do try to turn him on, talk to him about it (and he gets upset, because he DOES feel bad about it...). So yeah, maybe the testosterone shots are a good idea... His doctor actually prescribed him some while I was pregnant but I refused... We talked about it tonight after I read your replies and he said that he was thinking about it himself, that I "read his mind" (y'all did! lol). I guess I was in some kind of denial of his age and condition because I'm so young (24...) and because although he had low testosterone before, we we're still going at it like teens lolll. I thought it was only in his head because of the pregnancy, etc, but I see now that it's not. But you're right, I have to face the facts that I married an old man lol, that I love very much and that I certainly don't want to hurt, like you said skycheattrafic  :(

I think we will go for it! Thank you very much for enlightening me :P


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#40 of 47 Old 02-09-2013, 11:49 AM
 
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vivianne did you try to offer him the pacifier? If he's full he doesn't want the milk but the comfort of the nipple. The only way I've found is to go as to give him the boob but put the paci in his mouth, rocking him. It usually works... But like you he wakes up ALL NIGHT. We cosleep so I think we wake him up... And like you we bring him to bed after the first time he wakes up... We should try harder but honesty, I love to sleep loll.


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#41 of 47 Old 02-11-2013, 08:49 AM
 
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Vivianne, can your dh go to him at night and try to settle him with just rocking or other soothing? Maybe he is smelling the milk and becoming agitated even if he isn't really hungry.

 

I have also heard that it can help to separate nursing from sleep in the bedtime routine... so instead of doing bath, book, boob, bed, you would do bath, boob, book, bed, for example. We are trying that approach currently with our almost 7-month-old--I feed her and then DH reads a book or two with her, rocks her, and puts her in her crib. I guess the idea is to help them develop the ability to put themselves to sleep without being too dependent on the nipple. However, I like nursing her to sleep and still do so at night wakings, so I guess I can't say if the change in bedtime routine is really making that much difference.

 

The other thing we are starting to do is putting her in her swing to go to sleep, especially for naps (she's still small enough that she can use it). The swing is soothing enough that she can be put in it after bedtime routine and we say "night night Evy, sleep tight, we love you" etc. and leave the room, and she is able to put herself to sleep without getting upset. They say that a lot of sleep problems in 6-month-olds and older are related to circumstances being one way when they go to sleep (e.g. Mommy or Daddy is in the room, patting or nursing them), and another way when they wake up (all alone in a quiet room). I have to admit we didn't really work on this enough when she was younger, so now we are trying to help her develop those "going to sleep" skills before she gets too much older. I hate to see her waking up crying multiple times per night--I try really hard to help her get enough sleep to feel rested, and it just doesn't seem like she gets that if she has a bad night, up and down all night etc.

 

I would like to cosleep but I'm obese, so it's not considered safe. So every time she wakes up at night it's a full waking and it's kind of hard on all of us.


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#42 of 47 Old 02-12-2013, 02:49 AM
 
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Thanks for advice ! Dont know what to do anymore ! Wish you could hear him now ( not ! greensad.gif. ) he is SCREAMING with my mum inside! Try rocking him, dancing him, walking him, feeding him to sleep and he wont sleep! My took over after me trying for an hour! But i know what will happen. I will be in pain for hear him cryong, walk in and try to feed untill he stop resisting... Then gell sleep for a while and start again ... 1/2 hours for rest of night ..... greensad.gif. ! Last night he done same, then i was so tired of walking n dancing ( hes 9 kg ) i put him on my bed and rocked him with my hands... And for the FIRST time ever he slept for 4 hours straight! But today he does not want ANYTHING! My mum is inside on rocking chair with him and im about to go in .... ! HELP greensad.gif
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#43 of 47 Old 02-12-2013, 02:54 AM
 
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Im here with him, walking, bouncing, he wont feed n nothing settles him !! God it breaks my heart
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#44 of 47 Old 02-12-2013, 03:03 AM
 
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I danced samba , he is quiet now, im on rocking chair ( had to keep dancing on chair) as its 9 pm already And im soooo tired , i wont put him on cot, will put on bed ( we sleep in my daughters room , he on bed on floor n me on top till im so tired and in one of feeds we are all together) , good luck for me tonight!! So much to do tomorrow, dd does not have school n ill be zombieing around lol
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#45 of 47 Old 02-12-2013, 02:44 PM
 
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Big hugs, vivianne. hug2.gif I am so sorry you are having such a tough time with your son's sleep. I know your situation is way tougher than mine, so I hope my advice did not sound callous or simplistic. I just really hope and wish for you to get a decent night's sleep soon.


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#46 of 47 Old 02-12-2013, 03:57 PM
 
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Thaks scowgirl ! Your advice was great and what i want to do ! Have to put my life in order and have a bit of routine , but its hard !! Right now hes due to his first nap but i have to go out to take my mum to dentist! I know that dont help but he will have to nap on car !
Last night he didnt cryed after i wrote but was up ALL night feeding !
I dont mind feeding all night if i could get at least a bit of 4/5 hours sleep n rest ! But i think its getting worst ... Will try n do sonething today , make sure hes not overtired, rock him before hea crancky, pat him.. See how we go... Tks again
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#47 of 47 Old 02-12-2013, 06:13 PM
 
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Vivianne, I found the No Cry Sleep Solution really helpful.  It gave me a plan of attack and hope that the future would get better.  At the time, my daughter was five months old and up every 2.5 hours at night with very short naps during the day.  I work during the day and I was exhausted and frustrated and upset.  People kept advocating crying it out and I was sorely tempted.  I bought that book and found that within a few weeks I saw major changes.  She's now, at six months, sleeping about six hour stretches at night and taking at least two roughly hour-long naps during the day.  It sounds like my daughter was a longer and happier sleeper than your little one, so these suggestions might not work, but it could give you some hope.  The major changes we made were putting her down while still drowsy, putting her down for naps during the day every 1.5 hours (so way before she could get cranky and tired) and transitioning her away from needing to nurse to fall asleep.  I also found transitioning away from co-sleeping helped her sleep longer.  That's not true for everyone, but it was for us.

 

You might also want to have your babe checked out by his pediatrician just to rule out allergies or digestive issues that could be making him uncomfortable. 

 

It sounds really tough and I hope you find some relief soon.


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