Realistically- traveling with a newborn over christmas- a NO, right? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 36 Old 08-26-2013, 01:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by loveandgarbage View Post

You are the mom and you are the boss. I know not everyone feels this way, but compromise is out of the question especially when you are a first time mom. Your partner should know that and get used to it (and so should his family). Your gut is telling you not to go, and that should be enough. There will be many many holidays in the future that you can spend with his family. If they really want to meet the baby right away, they can come to you. 

thanks for the support everyone... I am NOT going. No way in hell. We had such a miserable time when we went this summer, after my husband insisted we go for three weeks in a heat wave while pregnant,... both his sisters are going through divorces and it's 24/7 drama with everyone and we had no personal space at all.  It's not happening. I told him we might not even go next summer with the baby because we put in our time this summer. They live on the east coast, and they complain about not having money, but honestly it's US who doesn't have the money to fly out there, miss work (for me-- in the summer I typically teach 10 classes a week with all the subbing I do which equates to almost 2K/month), etc. His mom and 2 sisters could easily fly out here with their older children (especially since they are divorced now it's just them, or the kids could stay with dad). So it comes down to flying 2 adults with a newborn baby to the east coast of hell in the winter or flying 3 adults to the west coast without a baby to a temperate climate.... they should come to us.

 

I don't even want to get into the whole christmas debate yet. We are NOT celebrating christmas. It's disgusting the way his family does it- super traditional, tons of presents for the kids, gorging on food all day, they didn't even go to church when we went for christmas this last winter-- so what is the point??? I don't want that tradition in MY family, I moved away from the east coast to live an independent life on my terms, and I'm not going to be dissuaded by my husband's family's guilt trip. My compromise for christmas is that we visit for 3 days, we don't lie about Santa, and we give one gift each and when she's old enough she chooses a charity to give to and/ or we volunteer somewhere together. If it were up to me we would just pretend the day didn't exist. I'm not AGAINST gift giving, birthdays will be awesome! it's not like she'll be a jehovah's witness of anything- It's just that we are NOT CHRISTIAN so why would we celebrate a christian holiday??? I want to celebrate natural cycles of the earth~ yule is one of them obviously-- but I want to pay attention to nature- full moons, new moons, solstices, equinoxes, rather than the scaffolding society has put in place. You can say that there's no way around christmas because "all her friends" will be celebrating it-- but we live in a very liberal town and I know for a fact MANY if not MOST of my peers with children do a similar compromise for christmas- either visiting family for a short while and really limiting the gift giving, or celebrating on their own in their own way and giving to charity. 

 

it's a really triggering issue for me as well because when I was younger my relatives never came to visit us, we always had to go visit them. Then my parents moved us even farther away to florida- and NO ONE from my dad's side even bothered to try to keep in contact. Visiting family should be balanced-- it is NOT fair for them to expect that we do a 7 hour flight twice a year and stay for such an extended time. My mom lives in florida and she comes out to visit me 2x a year with my sister, and I go back maybe once a year-- because she's the one who has the flexibility and financial resources to come visit more often!

 

so yeah- not traveling with an infant in a germ infested plane and going to stay with inlaws over a holiday that I don't celebrate. 

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#32 of 36 Old 08-26-2013, 02:38 PM
 
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Good for you, mama!


Jean, feminist mama raising three boys: W (7), E (5) and L (2.15.13)

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#33 of 36 Old 08-26-2013, 10:54 PM
 
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I see red flags all over your posts for serious problems in your marriage. Neither you nor your husband care what the other one wants or how they feel.

 

There isn't a right and wrong answer to the "how to celebrate a holiday" question. However, your relationship isn't on a solid foundation because you two aren't trying to figure out how to build a life together. This is where your energy should be. You have serious relationship problems that you are about to bring a baby into.

 

Your whole vent about Christmas didn't mention your spouse. It's just about you and what you want.

 

I highly recommend relationship counseling. You and your husband need to figure out how to get on the same team. 

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but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#34 of 36 Old 08-27-2013, 05:44 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

2. I think your DH and his mom need to cut the cord already. The whole situation you describe with your spouse and travel is nuts. You don't want to go, so it's fine to not go. Your DH needs to switch is thinking from believing that being in Mass. is being with his family. That isn't true anymore. Being wherever you and your new baby are is being with his family. Make him change his language get this straight, because this is the real problem. He hasn't realized he is his own family now, and those other people all get demoted to "extended family:"

I second this.
Glad you've decided not to go. I'm expecting my first at the end of Sep and there are expectations to visit DF's family for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm going to play it by ear, if we feel up to it we might go, if not, people will understand.
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#35 of 36 Old 08-29-2013, 06:40 PM
 
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I don't even want to get into the whole christmas debate yet. We are NOT celebrating christmas. It's disgusting the way his family does it- super traditional, tons of presents for the kids, gorging on food all day, they didn't even go to church when we went for christmas this last winter-- so what is the point??? I don't want that tradition in MY family, I moved away from the east coast to live an independent life on my terms, and I'm not going to be dissuaded by my husband's family's guilt trip. My compromise for christmas is that we visit for 3 days, we don't lie about Santa, and we give one gift each and when she's old enough she chooses a charity to give to and/ or we volunteer somewhere together. If it were up to me we would just pretend the day didn't exist. I'm not AGAINST gift giving, birthdays will be awesome! it's not like she'll be a jehovah's witness of anything- It's just that we are NOT CHRISTIAN so why would we celebrate a christian holiday??? I want to celebrate natural cycles of the earth~ yule is one of them obviously-- but I want to pay attention to nature- full moons, new moons, solstices, equinoxes, rather than the scaffolding society has put in place. You can say that there's no way around christmas because "all her friends" will be celebrating it-- but we live in a very liberal town and I know for a fact MANY if not MOST of my peers with children do a similar compromise for christmas- either visiting family for a short while and really limiting the gift giving, or celebrating on their own in their own way and giving to charity. 

I want to comment on this part, because I agree with Linda on the move that you are NOT being fair to your husband.

 

Family traditions have a great deal of meaning to most people. My partner was not raised Christian, neither was I, but we both did Christmas. I'm not attached to doing Christmas, but my partner is. Yes, Christmas has 'christ' in it- which is why I'm not attached to it- but for a lot of people, Christmas is about spending time with family and carrying on deeply meaningful traditions, not Christ.

 

 

Until my partner sat down and talked to me about WHY Christmas mattered so much, I had a similar viewpoint- we're not Christian, why celebrate it? But Christmas isn't about Christ or Christianity for my partner, it's about family. It's about family traditions that meant a lot to my partner growing up that they want to share with our children.

My partner cares more about celebrating nature than I do, too. Full moons have a deep spiritual meaning to my partner (that LO appears to appreciate as well, came 2 weeks early just to be born on the full moon!) and they have a specific way of celebrating that I respect and encourage the same way that I respect and encourage Christmas.

 

You can celebrate nature AND Christmas.

 

How much of your "compromise" about Christmas actually allows your husband to get what he wants out of Christmas compared to how much you're getting out of the holiday? It doesn't sound like much of a compromise. You'll be able to celebrate the whole year the way you want to- your husband gets 3 days?

 

You shouldn't travel with a newborn, especially not during winter- I agree whole heartedly about that. I don't even want to travel for Christmas with an 8 month old, and if it weren't for the fact that my partner hasn't seen their home country or family for 2 years and this may be the last chance for another 3 I wouldn't even be considering it. That's clearly not the situation for your husband, and traveling with a newborn is far more dangerous than traveling with an 8 month old.

 

But you can still let your husband establish beloved traditions from his childhood with the family that BOTH of you are building together as well as build new ones. There are many, many families that celebrate more than one set of holidays. There's nothing wrong with celebrating your way and also celebrating with your husband in his way.


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#36 of 36 Old 08-29-2013, 07:03 PM
 
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Our first was born in November......and we moved 3 weeks later. Doctor told me 'no way no how' was I to get on a plane with the baby during cold and flu season! Drove from east coast to west coast over 7 days.......not fun...and looking back, not sure if it was less for the germ factor..........But with a plane ride, you are looking at international .....lots of people, extra germs,etc.....

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