did i let my baby cry it out? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 05-26-2014, 08:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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im totally against letting a baby cry for an extended time. i am a co sleeping baby wearing gentle disciplining mama. i believe in my babies cries. if they cry their want is also their need. however sometimes no matter how long i spend with her for bed time (nursing, holding) she will wake up when i put her down. i have an older son who looks forward to his mommy cuddle every night and i wanted to give him that. so i put her down. she cried 5 minutes and was asleep. do i cause emotional damage when i do this? or am i taking away from her (me) what is keeping her from letting her go into dreamland??

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#2 of 10 Old 05-26-2014, 09:15 PM
 
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I think of crying it out as letting the child cry on purpose with the intention of "teaching" him/her to sleep, etc without any help; an attitude of "tough luck, kid, you can't manipulate me!"

So, no, you didn't harm your little one. Sometimes with more than one someone is going to cry a minute while another sibling gets what they need-there's only one of you! wink1.gif
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#3 of 10 Old 05-26-2014, 09:25 PM
 
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Different babies really do need different things and react differently to stimuli. I believe in responding to my kids, but when they are infants, I can't always know what need they're expressing.

I don't think five minutes of fussing will cause emotional damage. Those five minutes are roughly how long it might take you to use the bathroom, or make yourself a badly needed sandwich, or find a safe place to pull over to deal with a sobbing baby in the backseat. They fall into a class I think of as "normal delays in service."

Some infants really, really do fuss themselves to sleep. Some fall asleep best without anyone trying to soothe them - they find singing and backpatting and hushing just too interesting to fall asleep. Your daughter might be one of those. If so, the best thing is to go with it.

This stage doesn't mean she won't love bedtime snuggles when she's a little older. Infancy has so many new things in it that it's easy for babies to feel overwhelmed. By the time she's one or so, she'll probably have a completely different set of preferences.
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#4 of 10 Old 05-28-2014, 12:27 PM
 
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Welcome to Mothering cynthiawhipple! How old is your baby? I think babies fall asleep differently at different ages. Sometimes crying for 5 minutes before falling asleep is just them winding down. It depends on the baby and their age. Sometimes babies do want to be put down so they can go to sleep. I found that there were times when I was keeping my son awake when he really wanted to be sleeping. It's all about listening to your baby. If you were right there by her, I don't think that is CIO. stormborn had a good description of it. I think of it as leaving a baby alone in their room to cry it out for an extended period of time. If you were there and paying attention to her, she was probably just fine.



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#5 of 10 Old 05-28-2014, 09:41 PM
 
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A few minutes while you meet a need (your own or someone else's) when you have every intention of meeting your baby's as soon as possible is not the same as leaving a baby to cry when you could do something about it to "teach them".  As others have said, sometimes you have to leave a baby for five minutes so that you can meet your needs or because you can't safely respond to them any faster. It won't do any longterm damage.
 

There are some babies that do sleep better when they're put down on their own, especially because she wasn't crying for a long time, although I certainly understand the concern. There are some babies who are experts at distracting themselves from falling asleep (my kiddo is), so fall asleep easier alone, even though there's the initial upset of "I want mommy here and she's not".  You pretty much have to trust your gut on this one.


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#6 of 10 Old 05-30-2014, 08:08 AM
 
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i worried about this, too. my babe would always cry when i laid her down to sleep, either beside me or in a little co-sleeper bed attached to my bed. turned out she didn't like being flat, she had reflux. she just liked to sleep with her head and chest elevated. but the main point is, it's never CIO if you're with your babe. it's not CIO if you have to run to the bathroom, either. CIO is a systematic ignoring ritual.

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#7 of 10 Old 05-30-2014, 11:29 AM
 
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No, you didn't. Some babies do need to cry for a few minutes to get themselves off to sleep, and it sounds as though you've got one of that variety. My daughter was like that - I could spend forever (or so it felt) trying to settle her down and calm her, but if I simply walked out of the room and left her she'd wail indignantly a couple of times, cry for about 7 - 8 minutes in that one-note way babies have when they're fed up rather than really upset, and then settle. If I tried going back in at all during this process to comfort her, she'd get more upset rather than less. It took ages for me to trust that it was actually better for her just to leave her be, but that was so clearly what she needed that I went with it.

Good post about this at http://askmoxie.org/blog/2011/01/ten...ecreasers.html
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#8 of 10 Old 06-01-2014, 08:26 PM
 
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you are right,They fall into a class I think of as "normal delays in service."thanks
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#9 of 10 Old 06-26-2014, 08:58 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Good Enough Mum View Post
No, you didn't. Some babies do need to cry for a few minutes to get themselves off to sleep, and it sounds as though you've got one of that variety. My daughter was like that - I could spend forever (or so it felt) trying to settle her down and calm her, but if I simply walked out of the room and left her she'd wail indignantly a couple of times, cry for about 7 - 8 minutes in that one-note way babies have when they're fed up rather than really upset, and then settle. If I tried going back in at all during this process to comfort her, she'd get more upset rather than less. It took ages for me to trust that it was actually better for her just to leave her be, but that was so clearly what she needed that I went with it.

Good post about this at http://askmoxie.org/blog/2011/01/ten...ecreasers.html

We had a similar experience in thatmy daughter often falls asleep best when alone. We are just too stimulating for her. She just can't stop playing. When left alone at first she would whine and cry a little as she fell asleep, I think because it was new and also a transition from nursing to sleep. But she never really wailed, so I felt ok about "fussing to sleep". Now she doesn't even do that. Today her daddy just tucked her in and walked out and she fell peacefully asleep on her own. It's a blessing, I think! And you can still choose to cuddle to sleep when you can and both want to! We do still maybe 1/2 the time.

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#10 of 10 Old 06-30-2014, 12:57 PM
 
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I think it's wonderful that !Kung babies are never left
to cry for more than 10 seconds. Sometimes, though,
it is a woman besides the mother that responds. It seems
the whole culture doesn't think it's good that a baby cries
without being comforted.
I like what you said, "if they cry their want is also their
need," and feel that what your little girl will experience is
the hundreds of times you comforted her, loved her, held
her and that will be a bedrock which will grow in size and
strength each time you go to her and serve her when she's
a woman, moving her through the difficulties of life and,
if she has children, powering her care and love for those
children.

"The most important question in the world is, "Why is the
child crying."" ~ Alice Walker

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   for our children." ~ Tatanka Iotanka

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