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Baby at a funeral

2K views 20 replies 16 participants last post by  Nazsmum 
#1 ·
A very dear friend of my husband and I passed away this week. He was only in his 20s and it was a suicide. We aren't family, but close to the family, and thought of our friend like a brother.

Is it appropriate to bring our 9 month old son to the funeral? Both of his grandmothers will be there to help if we need, and it would be easier to have him close for when we go to the lunch and stuff afterward. Also he is still mostly breastfed.

But would it be a bad idea to bring him? Anyone with experience here? My husband is
 
#2 ·
I'm so sorry for your loss, Tiffa.
I've taken my kids to funerals from infant on up to preteen and never had a problem; I just made sure to choose a seat with an easy escape route in case they became too disruptive. There are usually other kids there, and no one has ever made us feel unwelcome.
 
#4 ·
IMO when you are breastfeeding (under a year) and you are their main food source, it is appropriate to take them anywhere with you! I agree to use judgment though, if baby becomes loud or fussy move out of the room.
 
#5 ·
ABSOLUTELY yessssss!!!!

in situations like your dh's friend, a baby can be v. healing to the mourners.

esp. since you have fussy baby situation under cover.

in fact for future reference as your child/future children grows older always take them to funerals (in the appropriate manner) and also involve them in the dying process of their closed loved ones. it helps them with their own grief. death is not that scary for them as it is for us.
 
#14 ·
If it was my son and you came to the funeral with your baby, it would devastate me even further. Imagine being a family member of a suicide victim. Well, I know you can;t fully imagine unless it happened to you, but trust me as person who experienced it first hand, it is beoynd devastating. And then someone comes with a baby . A baby who is nurse, cuddled, loved and adored right there. It is really life reminder of what was....and never will be because the son is dead and there are not grandchildren comings.
With all due respect, I'm not sure I've ever disagreed more with any other posts I've read in over a decade on MDC.
 
#8 ·
I would not

If it was my son and you came to the funeral with your baby, it would devastate me even further. Imagine being a family member of a suicide victim. Well, I know you can;t fully imagine unless it happened to you, but trust me as person who experienced it first hand, it is beoynd devastating. And then someone comes with a baby . A baby who is nurse, cuddled, loved and adored right there. It is really life reminder of what was....and never will be because the son is dead and there are not grandchildren comings.
 
#9 ·
I would say yes, absolutely. He is so little that he needs you and also could be a very heartwarming being for everyone at the funeral. My brother passed away five years ago on Thanksgiving and him being so young with lots of friends with small babies and children there were lots of little ones at his funeral ranging from two months (my little boy) to 12 years old. I believe that they were a relieving presence in a time of so much grief. I did decide to have my three year old daughter to be babysat though because I didn't want her to see her Uncle in a casket and remember him that way at such a young age; I wanted her to hold onto the good memories. In your case though, I think that people would love to see a precious little one to help break the sadness.
 
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#10 ·
Tiffa, your post brings back memories. :crying:

When my DD was born my best friend brought some PJs to my new baby. I loved it!

She was going in for knee surgery soon, so I called the hospital to find out what room she was in so I could run over and see how she was doing. I was told that there was no patient registered there under that name. Sadly her blood count was too low so she was sent home. When she got home, she had a heart attack and died. I got a call about her funeral arrangements later that day. I was shocked! Her husband asked me to clean out her closet for him since he was so distraught and I was her good friend. I gave my DD her handkerchieves and gloves. I still have them!!

If she died before my DD was born, I would have named my DD after her!

I took my two month old baby girl to the funeral. So, so sad! I sat in the back. We had no problems. After the service, I met with her family. Her niece was a good friend of mine in high school! But I am glad I went. My baby slept through it. My DD is now 34 yrs old! I have taken her to the gravesite many times.

I am sorry that this happened in your family/friend circle, but life does go on. Go to the funeral. If think your baby can handle it, go to the wake. And G0d bless.
 
#15 ·
You can disagree of course. But I think that many people fail to understand how individual grief can be for every person. Someone's funeral is not a teaching opportunity for your child. I would ask a relative of the grieving mother it was OK to bring a child. With all do respect, it is very selfish to assume that a baby would cheer someone up in this situation. People did a few very hurtful but well meaning things after my mother's tragic death because of assumptions. Do not assume, ask.
 
#16 ·
You can disagree of course. But I think that many people fail to understand how individual grief can be for every person. Someone's funeral is not a teaching opportunity for your child. I would ask a relative of the grieving mother it was OK to bring a child. With all do respect, it is very selfish to assume that a baby would cheer someone up in this situation. People did a few very hurtful but well meaning things after my mother's tragic death because of assumptions. Do not assume, ask.
I usually think babies are fine at funerals, but I think that the bolded parts are excellent advice.
 
#18 ·
It is not about you, your breastfeeding practices, teaching moments or your baby. It is about the wishes of grieving person . One thing I learned, is that everyone and their mother feel they know better what the grieving person needs. It is horrible feeling to have ones wishes and desires trampled again and again during such venerable time. It is really very simple. Simply ask if it is Ok to bring a baby or child to the funeral.
 
#19 ·
I have to agree with this. Everyone grieves in a different way. For some the presence of an infant would be comforting, others might not notice, and yet there will be some that would be bothered by their presence. In that terrible moment of grief I would say to err in the side of caution. Ask what those closest prefer. If that means your visit is brief due to the needs of your child then that's what you do. Even a short moment at a wake or visitation will certainly be appreciated if that's all you can manage.
 
#21 ·
My best friend died when my oldest was one month old. It was like a bad dream. I did not even give it a second thought...I had to bring my baby.

I sat in the back and only stayed long to give my respects. Everyone know that was my best friend. I was grieving just as much as if she was my sister.
 
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