Rant: Mother-in-Laws and Father-in-Laws - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 01-17-2006, 05:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Anybody out there have annoying paranoid in-laws in their family?

Personally I don't mind my in-laws, they are really easy-going. But as soon as my baby boy was born, they started to annoy me in ways I didn't know they could. I am a pretty patient person but I feel my level of tolerance decreasing every time I see them. They had twins when they were in their 30s, now 20 something years later they have no idea how to take care of babies anymore. And yet the funny thing is, they think they are doing a great job and they know what they are doing. I know 20 years is a long time, so I cut them some slack sometimes when they babysit my baby. OOhh how they LOVE to babysit him. But it annoys me when I come back and find him crying on top of his lungs for the past 30 minutes. My mother-in-law keeps checking his diaper every 5 minutes and my father-in-law keeps making that annoying sound at him to make him stop crying, and it drives me INSANE! In the end, all my baby wants was to take a nap! If they don't know how to take care of a baby then they should stop volunteering to babysit him all the time! And when I take care of my baby, they always criticize me of how I can change the way I co-sleep (she thinks i might suffocate my baby) or how many layers he should wear. I think I should know whats best for my baby, since I AM his mom! They need to understand that i might have different parenting styles, and I don't always hold my baby 24/7!! No wonder my MIL hurt her back when she was taking care of her own kids. In the end, I know they just want to help me out, so I don't know what to say to them.

I don't think I can tolerate this for very long....What am I suppose to do?
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#2 of 11 Old 01-17-2006, 05:46 PM
 
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I feel for you! In a sense I"m lucky to not have any family around right now - lessens the criticism.

Here are a few ideas:

Maybe you could give them an article to read "Hey, I found this interesting..." keep it casual. Then ask later what they thought of it. Something with proof about why CIO is bad would be my first. If that doesn't work because they don't read it or don't agree, I'd have DH have a serious talk with them. Something along the lines of "this is how we have chosen to raise our children and if you are going to do things completely contrary to what we feel is best for our kids then you won't get to watch them" but of course not quite that blunt. Then if they still don't comply I'd not let them watch the baby. Actually, I wouldn't even give them another chance personally until they had agreed to comply. I'd be horrified to know that someone let my baby CIO for 1/2 hour.

Good luck! I have gotten a LOT of criticism at times from family and now I just lead them astray a bit without actually lying and let them believe what they want to
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#3 of 11 Old 01-17-2006, 06:41 PM
 
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Well, I'm sorry to say I don't have an lovely advice on this one. I whish that I could give my in-laws some articles to read on child rearing that reflect my parenting style, but that would just be pointless b/c they think that "opinions" are like you know what's and that's all the articles are based on. For every article I could give them, they could find one that is contrary to the one I provided. So for me it boils down to choices. I make the choices for my family and while I love/respect my in-laws as much as I can, they also need to respect me. Now that we are on grandchild #3 they are starting to realize that. But I know that they talk about the things I choose to do and not do. : And I guess that's fair b/c I talk about the things they do/don't do too. I make sure that I don't use them too much. I find grandparents like this don't want to babysit as much as they think/say they do. I let in-laws babysit for short periods of time only until my children are older then for longer periods of time. Unfortunately when I return they are usually hiped up on "sugar" and/or "soda" and they have smelled like a pack of cigs. Yeah, father-in-law smokes like a chimney and that is downplaying it. Inspite of the fact that I do not allow smoke in my home or around my kids, lately he conveiniently ignores that. I say it causes illness and is unhealthy and then what do you know, my SIL, who lives with my in-laws, goes and has a baby who they expose to smoke regularly and he has basically not been sick a day in his life So FIL just thinks I'm being a b****. Now I know you probably feel a little better knowing that you could have had it worse by getting my in-laws instead of the ones you got
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#4 of 11 Old 01-17-2006, 11:20 PM
 
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My inlaws are in the USA so there isn't an issue, however my parents are a different story.

They honestly mean well but ...

My father makes me feel like an incompetent little girl instead of a 35 yr old mother. "You'll spoil him if you keep carrying him/He's crying, does she have enough milk to feed the baby? Let's feed her fish to pump up her supply/What are you feeding him?/Is the microwave safe to defrost that?". Unfortunately my father doesn't have much social skills and he barks at me more than talk to me so my hackles get raised more than they should.

Last weekend when I was defrosting an icecube of BM (5 secs) to add to cereal my dad barked "What is in that?" I was very cheekily replied "Breastmilk ... you want some?"

My mother isn't so abrasive, she tries to help and she is a big help. However some of her advice is a bit outdated which I won't go too much into. Last weekend she advised DH and I not to let DS "bite" us otherwise he'll get used to it and he'll bite us when he gets older. Currently he is gumming everything because he is teething and it gives him relief. This includes our fingers or thumbs when we are holding him. When this happens we take our fingers out and replace it with either a cold cloth or teething ring.
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#5 of 11 Old 01-18-2006, 04:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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kyangel80: I would definitely not tolerate smoking in the house, especially not in front of the baby! I can understand the "outdated advises". My FIL saids babies shouldn't eat anything, it's too dangerous. BUT the baby is teething!! Teething needs soothing! It's not a BAD thing. My MIL is funny, she thinks EVERYTHING is dangerous for the baby, down to a little peice of dust on the carpet. *SIGH* *wanna pull my hair out*
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#6 of 11 Old 01-18-2006, 04:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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[QUOTE=cherubess]My inlaws are in the USA so there isn't an issue, however my parents are a different story.

They honestly mean well but ...

My father makes me feel like an incompetent little girl instead of a 35 yr old mother.
QUOTE]

Ahhh...my mother is the one whe makes me feel incompetant ALL the time, ever since I was little! She thinks she's better at being a mom than me, I 'm like whatever! She criticizes on everything that I do or don't do, no wonder my self-esteem is low...=(


thanks for replying!
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#7 of 11 Old 01-18-2006, 04:49 PM
 
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I'll rant too...hehehehe...

The CONSTANT requests for WHEN my girls can spend the night at their house and WHY they don't take bottles....argh....I don't have to explain how annoying that can be!
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#8 of 11 Old 01-18-2006, 05:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cuttiebearmom
I'll rant too...hehehehe...

The CONSTANT requests for WHEN my girls can spend the night at their house and WHY they don't take bottles....argh....I don't have to explain how annoying that can be!
Yea, my MIL asks the same thing everyday! When can I babysit? When can I steal little Christopher? I'm like ARGH! Baby doesnt like you, leave me alone! just jk It's funny I had a dream once that the baby is gonna like my in-llaws more than he likes me! how silly right?
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#9 of 11 Old 01-18-2006, 05:38 PM
 
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[QUOTE=wsgrl84]! They need to understand that i might have different parenting styles, and I don't always hold my baby 24/7!! No wonder my MIL hurt her back when she was taking care of her own kids. [QUOTE]

I'm a bit confused by this part of your sentence. I'm all for floor time for babies, but as I understand it isn't AP all about holding your children in arms for a good portion of the time you're with them rather than leaving them alone in buckets? It seems lots of women here are big on slinging and holding their children "24/7" (although I doubt that's literal). Maybe I just misunderstood what you said. Your child seems pretty young (based on your siggy), so I would think you'd be thrilled that they aren't just leaving your DC in another room or in a swing the whole time you're gone, but rather, holding him. Again, I may be completely misunderstanding your post. Don't think I'm necessarily "siding" with the In-laws. I have major in-law problems to the point that they could inevitably be cut-off because they can't respect us. So, I understand that part completely.

ETA: You said that if they don't know how to take care of a baby then they need to stop asking all the time. Again, I mean this in the nicest way possible, but why don't you stop letting them babysit then? It seems pretty simple.

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#10 of 11 Old 01-18-2006, 05:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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When I say 24/7, I don't mean literally 24/7. But they do hold him constantly especially during naps when he doesn't NEED to be held. I favor floor time too and talking to baby while he's lying there. So when it's time for me take care of him by myself at home, baby wants to be held constantly, and sometimes I don't have the energy to by the end of day and night time. I know they think he's fun to play with, but at night I am the taking care of him and I don't want him to get into the habit of being held to sleep...
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#11 of 11 Old 01-18-2006, 06:09 PM
 
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Okay I think I understand what you're saying now. They aren't reading his cues and are playing with him and distracting him rather than laying him down for a nap or rocking him to sleep. Yes, that would annoy me as well.

Maybe they don't know his cues as well as you do. If you want them to babysit still maybe you could sit down and explain your concerns and teach them his cues and what works during those times. That way, they're better equiped to meet your DCs needs. AND if they don't, then you have more reason to say "no more" as they wouldn't be respecting your wishes outright.

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