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Letter to the family, please R&R UPDATED VERSION AT END.

934 views 21 replies 16 participants last post by  Charles Baudelaire 
#1 ·
There is an utter lack of respect for us, and for our parenting choices. The lack of respect for us we can handle. We're not looking for anyone's approval. Acceptance would be nice, but we're not too concerned. The lack of respect for our parenting choices is another issue. By questioning our parenting skills and our beliefs about what is best for our children, you are choosing to start a fight and to alienate us. By outright defying our decisions and backing one or the other of us into a corner, you bring out the overprotectiveness of the other, which only leads to more conflict. There is more than enough negative energy in this situation!! We don't need people creating more just to see what happens, or to validate their own beliefs.

And then there are the constant comparisons. We realize that everyone parents differently, and that those who parent more closely to the way you have will automatically earn your respect. However, that does not mean that those choices are the only choices, or the only respectable choices. We don't need or want to have to hear about how much better you feel your other grandchild is doing, or how she is so much more advanced than she should be. Pride is all well and good, but there comes a point when it becomes an interferance and a negatve effect on others. It has reached that point with us and we must insist it stop. As with some people in this family, their in for a huge surprise when they find out what they think they know is not at all the truth. Problems arise out of small things that are overlooked or ignored altogether. The fact that you overlook or ignore the big things here is the issue. Your willing to travel across the country but not willing to go a few blocks up the street? Sorry, but that is complete and total onesidedness and selfish. We are no different than anyone else in this family and to be treated otherwise is BULL $H*T!!!

We have tolerated the favoritism about as long as we care to. We are adults, and far more intelligent than it appears to be the perogative of this family to recognize. It matters to us only because it is affecting our children. We see the same things continuing with the new generation, and it sickens us on the whole and pains us where it relates to our children. Long-held biases should not be visited on our children. We recognize there are encyclopedias full of anger and pain that should have been dealt with long ago that are still floating around. The refusal of certain people to be mature enough to just come out with it and say what's on their mind is bad enough, but when it reaches the point where those issues are being used as an excuse for things that involve our children, we must draw a line and enforce it. If you must express your anger or whatever you wish to call it regarding the past, do so, but please limit your agressiveness to the adults in the situation. The children were not here then, and they have no place in all of this. The negative energy needs to be aired and done away with before any further harm is done to any of us, especially the children. We are willing to sit down and discuss the open wounds and other issues as adults. However, we will no longer stand for the constant subtle insults and insinuations. If this situation can not be resolved, we will be left with no choice but to resolve it on our own.
 
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#2 ·
Personally, I would do this one on one, not in a letter. Some things come across differently when written then if said in person and some things written in a letter may be written in a moment of passion. If you said the things you needed to say one on one, you might be able to resolve some of your issues rather than just vent them.

Just my opion.
 
#5 ·
nak
I think you expressed yourself well. Your anger is very present and "loud"...is that what you want them to read? Just asking in case you wish to ponder on that. I recently did this myself and of course was met with defensiveness, but it was worth it to me to air my feelings and since no one can interupt letters, I said all I needed thus helping me "let go". I hope your letter helps you too. hugs. good luck, Mary
 
#6 ·
I think if I sent that letter to my family (or in-laws) it would be lost on them. Perhaps your folks are smarter but for mine it would be too intangeable. They would get it better with concrete examples...
It also may be possible to preserve the tone and meaning of it but shorten it some?
 
#7 ·
OK, you asked.


Easiest to fix, you have a "their" instead of a "they are" somewhere in there.

I think you are REALLY vague throughout the entire letter. I think this letter will cause more problems being vague, than if you called people out for exact situations. After all, you DO write "The refusal of certain people to be mature enough to just come out with it and say what's on their mind is bad enough"...might as well follow that thought if you're going to send this letter.

Now, I don't know what's going on, but from what you've hinted at, it doesn't seem like this is going to be "resolved" in one fell swoop. I'm not sure this sort of long-standing problem can ever be resolved without LOTS of talking and maybe some counseling that everyone would have to agree to.

So is it worth it? Are you willing to have this letter make things worse and perhaps cause a complete rift? It seems you live only a few blocks down; are you willing to live that close but not see anyone?

It might work out, but if it doesn't, are you prepared for that?

Especially with a DH who would let you take the blame in a conversation about all this...do you think DH would keep away from the family if you decided that's what was best?

Why not a campaign of "I'm the parent, I make the decisions for my family" if someone questions/attacks something about your parenting. And if there is some sort of argument/conflict going on in front of your children, pack up instantly and LEAVE. And so on, depending on what else is going on.

But if you WANT to send the letter, clean up the spelling (especially b/c you mention intelligence in the letter, you HAVE TO make it perfect), stop being vague, and I guess hope for the best!
 
#8 ·
Quote:
Why not a campaign of "I'm the parent, I make the decisions for my family" if someone questions/attacks something about your parenting. And if there is some sort of argument/conflict going on in front of your children, pack up instantly and LEAVE. And so on, depending on what else is going on
tried that. which is how I found out that DH doesn't have my back IRL as much as he claims before the snitzle hits the turbo fan...

Honestly, I'm ready to call it good and give up. They've been like this the whole baker's dozen years I've been around them. They aren't going to change. But I'm sick and tired of carrying around the baggage of it all...
 
#11 ·
I agree the tone of the letter is anger and it sounds like you are justified in feeling that way. Will they understand what you are getting at here since it is vague? I wrote a letter about 7 months ago to my mil who lives 5 minutes from us and we haven't spoken to her since. It is our choice not to speak with her and dh and I are in agreement that she is a toxic person and not worth having in our lives with all her inappropriate behavior and psychological illness (personality disorder). ANYway... my letter was incredibly detailed (and 5 pages long) but mil *still* didn't get why we were angry and why we no longer wanted anything to do with her. It depends upon the person whether or not they will get what you are getting at.

It sucks you've been dealing with this for 13 years. I can't imagine. I hope it all works out for the best. Do what is good and healthy for YOUR family - your kids and you and your dh.
 
#12 ·
I agree with mollyeilis that the letter is too vague. If you send a letter, try to make it one that will solve specific problems, not just vent your anger.
The point of this letter is to resolve some conflicts, so try not to make your family defensive by placing blame. Try to describe specific behaviors and why they are causing conflict. Then say what could happen to solve the problem. For example:

"When you tell me I'm a bad parent it makes me feel defensive and lonely. I wish you would allow me and my husband to make our own parenting choices."

"When you compare my child to her cousin it makes me feel protective. I wish you would praise what you like about my child."

"When you travel to visit your other grandchildren it makes me feel sad because I think my own child is being left out of a special relationship with her gradparents. I wish you could spend more time building a relationship with my child."

The point of the letter should be to clearly express what your family could do that would satisfy your needs. However, keep in mind that your family may not do what you ask. No matter how well you express yourself, you can't control their behavior.

--AmyB
 
#13 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Kaitnbugsmom
tried that. which is how I found out that DH doesn't have my back IRL as much as he claims before the snitzle hits the turbo fan...

Honestly, I'm ready to call it good and give up. They've been like this the whole baker's dozen years I've been around them. They aren't going to change. But I'm sick and tired of carrying around the baggage of it all...
I don't usually frequent this board, but I came across your post and it rang so true for me. My MIL constantly questions both dh and I are our parenting choices (right down to what ds SHOULD be/COULD be eating.) So, I know the anger and baggage you are talking about.

My dh is of the mind, let it go. As this is his mother and she's been this way his entire life. So, he doesn't BACK me very well either. Not because he agrees with her, but only because it just doesn't affect him or make him mad. But me, I think about how she's questioning WHY ds can't have splenda-spiked juice IN FRONT OF ds. DS is just 2.5yo right now, BUT at some point he will know that she's disrepecting our choices, so why can he? KWIM? That's what gets to me.

Honestly, dh and I have all kinds of talks about this. And, what I've decided to do for now is mention the reasoning ONE TIME. And, MIL can question it as many times as she wants to after that. I have explained it, the research behind it, etc. Then, when ds is old enough to understand what she is doing - I will enlist dh to explain for the LAST time the reasoning behind the decision. And, if she can't - then I'll make up every excuse possible for seeing as little as possible of her.

I wouldn't send that letter. I know you are at the end of your rope, but you may dredge up feelings/emotions from your IL's that may never be completely smoothed out again. If your dh can't talk to them, then maybe limiting your time with them would help? Maybe even let dh take the kids over without you from time to time. That's what I do sometimes (short visits, usually less than 1 hour) and it's really helped me. I can catch up on laundry, and I don't have to hear about how MIL grew up eating bologna and hot dogs and is just fine
:
 
#14 ·
I liked the letter - and totally understand wanting to get everything out in the open (I prefer letter writing to confrontations because you can get everything in you want to say without forgetting something or being interrupted)- but like some of the previous posters - I think it is a little vague and too wordy - I think something more direct would be better. Keep it short and to the point - Maybe even saying something along the lines of - I refuse to associate with you because you treat me like this - and then give examples - and say you will not tolerate it anymore and until the rest of your family decides to act like rational adults you refuse to subject your children and family to such a negative and damaging situation.

Good luck!
 
#15 ·
If you want to send this letter, and are willng to deal with the fall out, as another poster mentioned, I think you should go for it. What does your gut tell you?

If you think things are going to stay the same by not sending the letter, then what is the harm in sending it? I think if a relationship is not authentic and honest and caring, then it is not worth continuing.

I do agree with other posters that some of it is vague; however, I do believe people DEEP DOWN know when they have done wrong, they just can't admit it to themselves. So people may read it and get pissed but they may also start to think.

I sent a pretty direct email to my parents right after my first son was born because they chose to take two vacations during the month I was expecting him instead of visiting me after the birth (in other words, choosing vacations instead of visiting me). I sent a very brief letter to my parents and some of my family members last year (actually it was an email) just saying I needed some personal space because of how I had been treated in the family.

I was pissed and they got the point. Unfortunately, I think they also chalked up my motive for writing the first letter to having PPD (I didn't) and being emotional (I was).

Things have never been the same but things were not great to begin with so it was and is a blessing in disguise. The more I reflect on my family, the more I realize how controllign they were of me and disapproving and how everything was on their terms. I also see patterns of behavior that are just not healthy.

So if you are willing to ask yourself, what's the worst that can happen by sending this and be willing to accept that you might change relationships and you really want to send it, then I say send it!
 
#16 ·
Molly has made some excellent points. One thing to consider is that you end up the letter by saying you don't want people making insinuations, etc. But you do that yourself in the letter. If you have specific concerns, name them. Be forthright and get this stuff right out in the open. Otherwise people will either dismiss it because they don't know what you mean or blow it out of proportion because they think you mean something other than you do and take offense.

I also suggest that instead of writing a letter you present them a list of concerns that must be resolved. Your husband can sign the list. It's often easier to present an itemized list and then use the meeting to go over it point by point. Because I really feel that the best way to actually deal with your concerns is to discuss them.
 
#17 ·
Since you asked. . .

I do think the letter is too vague and wordy. I think your use of the passive voice, especially, makes the letter hard to read and understand. I would definitely change your wording to include action verbs and concrete examples. When I read your letter, I see you full of anger, attacking, and doing a lot of finger-pointing. Regardless of your intentions, I don't think that this is the most effective way to get this person to listen. Personally, if I received a letter like this, I'd have thrown it away before I even finished. If you want this person to be open-minded and consider his/her actions, a letter that puts them on the defensive isn't likely to work.

All this aside, I'm not convinced that a letter is the best way to communicate your feelings. I realize it's easier to write a letter than have a face-to-face discussion, but letters are often misinterpreted and easy to ignore. If you and your DH aren't a team then this letter, which is coming from you, will simply look like you, and you alone have a bone to pick. Regardless of your use of "we" throughout the letter, if this person knows that they can walk all over your DH and that he won't stand by you, then the "we" simply loses its meaning.

First and foremost, I really think you and your DH need to work something out so that you present a united front. Your family must realize that neither of you will stand for their behavior, or else it's likely to continue. And if you cut them out of your life, how will your DH react to that?

After you and DH are in agreement, you can then work on a specific plan for communicating your issues with the family in an honest and open discussion.
 
#18 ·
This letter is intended to give air to some of the problems we are concerned about. Anything and everything contained herein is something we are more than willing to sit down and discuss civilly. All of them are things that must stop. Now.

First and most upsetting are the constant digs at and veiled complaints about our parenting choices, and the outright refusal to follow our requests. For example, we have decided to slowly introduce solid foods on a very selective and well planned schedule. This is not, contrary to what has been insinuated and outright stated, because we are trying to make life difficult for everyone else or because we are weird. It is because we have discussed the issue at length, done the research, and consulted Em's ped. From all of this, we have decided to do things the way we do. The subtle comments, the outright defiance, and everything in between must cease. Part of the reason that allowing you to keep Em unsupervised is a last resort is because we fear what you may choose to feed her in our absense.

Secondly, the constant comparisons and commentaries. Yes, we know that Josh is the golden child and as such his children do everything so far ahead of schedule and so much better than Emma ever could or will. Fine. But please stop restating this point at every available opportunity. There is nothing wrong with Emma's development. She is in fact well ahead in a few areas in her own right. We chose not to make a big deal out of it because each child develops on their own schedule and we choose to be thankful for what we have, work toward what we want for her, and accept what her abilities allow.

On that same point, please stop with the giddy descriptions of your various trips across the country to visit Josh and his family. Again, we know, we know. And honestly, it bothers us. More for Emma than for ourselves. But it also is going to come to a point where Emma will realize what we have in the last few months. That being that there is a very clear message in the fact that you will make these long journeys to see one grandchild, but will not take a simple dozen block trip up your own street in your own town to see the other. We are perfectly capable of handling the point of this, and the point you are trying to make by making such a huge deal of it. We accepted a long time ago that we were essentially persona non grata around here. And if it weren't for Emma, our outcast status wouldn't bother us so much. But for some odd reason, perhaps the sense of family as a priority and important part of a person's life that we were raised with, we have tried to overcome and deal so that our daughter could have the relationships with her whole family that she deserves. She is innocent in all of this, and we see no reason to continue to allow things that will some day soon cause her pain.

Finally, we know that you did not and do not approve of our pasts, of the things we did in our young adult lives that have led us to being the people we are today. We don't need the constant reminders and negative comments. There is enough negative energy coming our way from outside sources, we don't need or want it from within our own ranks. Like it or not, accept it or not, Emma has a large extended family that includes people that you don't approve of. Most of those people aren't too fond of you either. We don't allow them to say things against you around her, and we would appreciate the same respect from you. What has been and done is just that, done. And it's not going to change. We would like to move on and not feel that we are constantly being viewed and judged through a lens of our past sins, real or imagined.
 
#19 ·
Paragraphs 2 and 3:

You may want to rework these to remove any snarky remarks about Josh and his kid(s) being "golden" or whatever. While your anger over this is totally valid, you sound very defensive here and that's giving them a lot of power over you. If I were you, I'd remove any specific references to how you think they view Josh and his kid(s) and simply state that you've perceived they look at their grandchildren differently and you would prefer they not compare the development of the children. You are not concerned about her development, nor is her pediatrician, so they can rest assured she's progressing at a good rate.
 
#20 ·
Gave it to his dad after taking it to him to read at lunch... He signed it and everything. His dad read it, said "okay." and put it in his pocket. probably to discuss with his wife as she was not home. I made a sideways comment as to how things have always been the way they are and are not going to change. His dad agreed. :cry It bothers me, but at least we got it all out and perhaps we can try to move on from here. I'm sure there will be backlash, but honestly, at this point it couldn't get much worse than the way we are currently being treated...
 
#21 ·
Victoria, had we not mentioned Josh by name, they would have been able to assume that we meant their 'self claimed grandson' the step son of their other son, whom they treat alot better than they do emmie as well, but not to the extent they do Josh & his family. The part about them driving 3,000 miles to see Ada but not a dozen blocks to see Emmie is a key point of what bothers us...
 
#22 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Kaitnbugsmom
we fear what you may choose to feed her in our absense.
Change to "absence."

Quote:

Secondly, the constant comparisons and commentaries. Yes, we know that Josh is the golden child and as such his children do everything so far ahead of schedule and so much better than Emma ever could or will. Fine.
Remove this entirely. I know it felt painful to write and it's doubtlessly true; however, your pain undercuts the effect you are attempting to achieve.

Suggested rewrite: We understand and appreciate your delight in Josh and his family, and we are glad that you take satisfaction and pleasure in the development of his children. Nevertheless, we feel that it ultimately is corrosive both to Josh, his children, us, and our children for comparisons to be made between or among them. As many people have often observed, each child is unique and we would appreciate all children in the family -- Josh's as well as ours -- to be valued on their own individual merits alone.

Quote:

On that same point, please stop with the giddy descriptions of your various trips across the country to visit Josh and his family. Again, we know, we know. And honestly, it bothers us. More for Emma than for ourselves.
I would cut this because it's just obviously buying into what they want you to feel. Don't let them know they've gotten to you.

Suggested rewrite:

We look forward to your visits when you find it appropriate to make them. We consider visits among family members crucial to forming a sense of unity and community among us all, so you are welcome to our home.

Quote:


Finally, we know that you did not and do not approve of our pasts, of the things we did in our young adult lives that have led us to being the people we are today. We don't need the constant reminders and negative comments. There is enough negative energy coming our way from outside sources, we don't need or want it from within our own ranks.
Suggested rewrite:

We regret that you have chosen not to approve of the decisions we have made in the past; however, we would appreciate it very much if these events could be dropped as a subject of ongoing conversation. You have had the chance to state your opinion, which we respect and value, and we regard what you have to say with great importance -- such importance that saying it only once has great impact in and of itself.

Quote:


Like it or not, accept it or not, Emma has a large extended family that includes people that you don't approve of. Most of those people aren't too fond of you either. We don't allow them to say things against you around her, and we would appreciate the same respect from you. What has been and done is just that, done. And it's not going to change. We would like to move on and not feel that we are constantly being viewed and judged through a lens of our past sins, real or imagined.
Hope this helps. I'm sorry your family treats you this way.
 
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