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Partner putting baby in crib, mother suggesting bottles

867 views 13 replies 10 participants last post by  winnie 
#1 ·
Hi there!

Over the past week we've been having so much trouble with Ben. He cries nearly the entire time he's awake, and screams like crazy when I try to nurse him. So we are trying all sorts of things to see what might help. I have eliminated dairy from my diet, and am now going to stop eating beans and a few vegetables, and cut down on sugar. I posted about this in the breastfeeding forum.
I love that my partner and family are all trying to come up with solutions, but some of them don't go along with my philososphies, and I'm having trouble sticking to my guns. Last night DP said "do you want me to take him for a bit?" when Ben was crying in bed inconsolably, and I said sure. He took him to his room, set him in his crib, turned on some music, and then left him in there. I said "what are you doing?", and he said "I think he should sleep on his own now.", and I was like "but I want him beside me!!". DP was really trying to help me, knowing that I needed to get some rest, but I don't think he understands how much I don't want Ben in his crib yet! He is only a month old.
Aside from this, my mom has started sending me websites that suggest bottlefeeding if breasfeeding is not going well. She also has good intentions - but I keep telling her that introducing just one bottle may just make things worse. I did buy a pump, but I'm going to use it to pump until the let-down passes, and then begin nursing him so maybe he won't choke as much.

What do you do when close family members are trying to help, but are just not doing what you want?

winn
 
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#3 ·
Although not as much as you, we went through (and are going through) similar issues re: bottles/pacifiers and where babe will sleep. DH keeps on saying that perhaps DD should start sleeping in her crib (in a separate room). I keep on telling him that if he wants to get up and bring her to me every time she wants to nurse at night (which is usually 2 or 3 times), maybe we'll try it. He is not willing to do this
. He was ready to co-sleep to begin with but now finds that he is not getting enough room in the bed. So I am looking to buy a co-sleeper to attach to the bed in the hopes that that will give us more space.

Are you cosleeping? Is there something in particular about that arrangement that your partner doesn't like? It is nice that he is concerned about your lack of sleep but I have found that cosleeping lets me get more sleep, since we have now gotten sidelying nursing down (that took about 4 1/2 weeks). So you might let him know that it will take some time, but eventually cosleeping or at least having babe sleep in the same room as you will allow you to rest better. Everyone is sleep deprived at first - it does get better!

As far as the bottlefeeding goes - my best suggestion is to try to educate them as to why breastfeeding could be the very best thing for your babe, even if the going is rough. For my family, who are very big into conventional parenting and doctors, I usually end up quoting (some perhaps exaggerated) things from various medical organizations about the benefits of breastfeeding, how it should go on til the child is 2 etc.

The first weeks are tough in so many ways but trust your instincts. You are trying to what is best for your babe and for you. Tell your family you appreciate their help, and then gently explain to them the reasons behind your choices. If they still don't get it, you could choose not to discuss it with them further and if they want to 'help' get them to wash dishes or do laundry or something to get them out of your hair.

It will get better.
 
#4 ·


I do what I want!!!

1 month old needs to be held, swaddled, rocked, nursed....

Does your babe have gas??

Try to see a lactation consultant for BF help.. go to LLL for BF support. My entire family thought i was crazy to BF... now the think it is great ....
If you are stressed then the babe will be stressed. Try to nurse in a dimmly lit room, alone.. when i was sick of everyones suugestions, I avoided them.. Shut off ringer on phone, didn;t respond to emails.. Don't listen to everyone.. you know what is good for you baby. Just you and babe... bond...
love him.

Was you babe a premie? or have lots of suctioning at birth? That can impact them wanting anything in their mouth....

BFing didn't go well until DS was about 7 weeks old..

good luck and stick with it.
 
#5 ·
Have you considered reflux? or some other medical reason? My dd has been a fussy nurser since she was born. It is very rough-she doesn't get a bottle either. Hopefully the elimination diet will help. I really don't have much advice b/c I'm pretty much in the same boat!
 
#6 ·
have you tried swaddling? guys are really good at it! ted thinks he's mr. cool when he can get sylvia to stop crying. he swaddles her really tight, then stomps around the house singing ridiculous songs to her. i'm sure greg was just trying to come up with a way to get ben to calm down. have you read 'the happiest baby on the block' by harvey karp? it's worth buying! his tricks really work (unless ben is in pain from gas or reflux).

definitly see a lc if you can. i went to one just last week, and she really helped me get sylvia over being gassy just by suggesting to keep her on the same breast for 2 hours.

good luck with greg! and just don't listen to your mom.
 
#7 ·
From your post I think there are several issues to be addressed here, one is the fussiness, the other is getting breastfeeding going better for you, the next is sleeping, another is your agreement with your partner on how to parent, and another is finding the support you need and blocking out/neutralizing the effects of the unsupportive folks.

First of all, it's really pretty common for babies to be fussy at that age, and if you look through this forum you will find a ton of posts on fussy babies, colicy babies, and get a lot of suggestions. My baby was also really fussy at that age and it was difficult--I found that eliminating dairy helped a lot for us, but it can take a couple of weeks. Also, even if there is no "problem", they really only have about one toe on the planet Earth at that age--they are still kind of new and getting used to everything. At this stage of the game a lot of it is trial and error, and it's difficult for you but this is kind of what everyone goes through. You can't always stop the baby from fussing, but you can just comfort them and be with them while they go through it, so they're not alone. Just like in any relationship you can't always "fix it" if your loved one has a problem but you can provide comfort and love. A lot of moms have recommended Dr. Harvey Karp's DVD "The Happiest Baby on the Block" and have had a lot of success with the ideas/techniques for dealing with fussiness there, and Dr. Sears' "The Fussy Baby" also has a lot of ideas, as does his website. And once your baby gets to be a month or two older, you will find that it probably gets a lot easier and you will have a different and happier kid on your hand! Hang in there!

In terms of the breastfeeding, you didn't give a lot of info specifically but it seems that if the baby is choking and screaming when you nurse, you may have an fast/active let down, and that it may be a little overwhelming for him. www.kellymom.com has a lot of info about this, and it is a wonderful site for breastfeeding info and support in general. You may try shooting back some info to your mom from this site, if it matters to have her on board. Feeding in a more upright or sidelying position can help the baby with this, so that they aren't "downhill". La Leche League or a good lactation consultant can also help with this. Try posting something detailed in the breastfeeding forum here and you will probably get lots of suggestions too. If you think that this is in fact the problem (overactive letdown) don't pump TOO much, as it will just make the problem that much worse!

It sounds to me like you need to talk to your DP and get on the same page as to what is normal for infant sleep and how you are going to handle your little guy in general. I think the Dr. Sears books on night time parenting and infant sleep are good, or you could get some info on his website to show your partner. I was just looking at Dr. Jay Gordon's website too, and he seems fairly supportive of the family bed and against sleep training of any sort in babies under a year. It sounds like you have a fundamental conflict in your ideas about what's appropriate sleep patterns for a newborn, and you need to get on the same page. Or, maybe your DP just doesn't know what else to do and is relying in what he has heard, from his mom or friends or on TV or whatever, in trying to put the baby to sleep in a crib by himself. (Books about getting babies to sleep on their own in their cribs are big business!) If he isn't philosophically opposed to your ideas about how to care for your son, but is just clueless as to what to do to help, you might try being very specific about what you want him to do. Like, "Can you sit in the rocking chair with the baby and rock him and sing to him?" Or, "Can you take the baby and put him in the sling and walk around the living room with him and pat his back?" Also, if you want, lots of moms here will have good advice on how to sidecar a crib to the bed if that might be a good compromise for your family.

I'm sorry your mom isn't being more supportive of working through this time and preserving exclusive breastfeeding. That's tough--I had a lot of bfing problems for the first couple of months and my mom was not entirely helpful either. I don't live near my mom, but we went to visit when DD was a month old and still very fussy. (We went there b/c my dad was in the hospital and very ill.) I got criticized for nursing too long/too often, told I should give her a pacifier, etc. etc. I had to remind myself that my mom hasn't breastfed in over 30 years, and that we have learned a few things about breastfeeding in that time. Also, my mom has a different philosophy and she gave us each one bottle of formula a day, so she never exclusively breastfed either. So I mostly had to do a combination of telling her what is the current recommended practice and research about breastfeeding, and just tuning her out and ignoring her otherwise! It's hard to maintain your convictions that you're doing the right thing when you're worried and upset and sleep deprived and other people are freaking out about your baby and offering what they think are solutions.

If you can find some support IRL, that would be very helpful. Is there a La Leche League meeting where you are and could you go to it? It might be helpful. Just going and being around other women will really be helpful. I know this sounds harsh, but at some point with DD I decided that if she was going to fuss and cry, we might as well have her fussing and crying somewhere besides my own four walls, so that at least I was maintaining my sanity--just because the baby is fussing you don't have to freak out along with them! So I stopped waiting for her to be perfectly happy to go out of the house. And I found that often she would calm down once we were out and about. If you can make yourself a little calmer, happier and less stressed (easier said than done, I know!) that may rub off on the baby and help calm him down a little, but even if it doesn't, YOU'LL still have an easier time dealing with him.

Good luck! Hang it there--it sounds like you're being a great mom and doing a great job with your baby!
 
#10 ·
I know this doesn't answer your question, but I thought I'd mention what I went through in case it helps. I'm going to make it brief, because I've typed this a million times, so if you want more info you can PM me or search my previous posts.

Basically, dd had a very rough birth, and then was deep suctioned due to meconium staining. Nursing was AWFUL and I couldn't figure out why. She would scream and scream, and then cry because she was hungry. This went on for hours and hours. Looked into thrush, reflux, elimination diet, etc. Nothing helped. My instinct told me the birth/suctioning traumatized her, but I wasn't sure I was right, and didn't know what to do. Long story short, I'm now sure that's what it was, and visits to a chiropracter and also craniosacral therapy completely resolved our issues. I am a huge fan of CST now (had never even heard of it before). We see a massage therapist who specializes in CST for babies, and she is amazing (it costs $30/visit). It has really allowed dd to process and release the trauma of her birth experience. Nursing is totally normal now, and when she had gas and constipation issues, the CST resolved those as well. I believe that birth can be very traumatic for babies, even if we think everything went fine, and this can have a profound impact on them. So you may want to look into something like that. If I ever have another child, they will see our chiro and also get CST right away. You can click here for more info. And here to find a practitioner in your area. I'd find someone who has training in SER, and call and ask if they work with babies.

You may also want to read some about "crying in arms". Here's a link to an article from Mothering. And there was a thread recently in a different forum -- called something like "The Overlooked Benefits of Crying", so you could search for that if you want.

Sorry I can't address your other issues -- I'm out of time. Good luck, mama.
 
#11 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by alegna
Take the crib apart and put it away. Tell all of them no bottles, period. Stand strong mama!

-Angela
Isn't that a little simplistic?
: The problem is not the CRIB. The problem is her partner's RESPONSE to the baby's crying. And the fact that she is not getting enough help and support from her partner and family in doing things HER way (ie breastfeeding exclusively, not leaving the baby to cry by himself but trying to comfort him) during a difficult period when she needs their help and participation. It's all well and good to be militant about a parenting philosophy. And it's very easy to tune out others' advice and do it your way when things are going well and you are feeling confident that what you are doing is working for you, your baby, and your family. But it's very difficult and a different matter when you are in crisis and exhausted and what you are doing doesn't seem to be "working" and you're losing confidence yourself and you need help to make it through that time. And when the baby's other parent and the other people you count on to help you and support you through the tough time are losing faith in the approach you've chosen or maybe weren't convinced in the first place. It's very hard when it's all on the mom herself and the "helpers" aren't helping the way she'd like them to, but providing "solutions" that are undermining her confidence!
 
#12 ·
Oh, I agree.
to the OP. I was just saying that clearly they aren't listening to you and putting out there an idea on how to make clear your plans.

Please let us know how you're doing. Maybe check in the finding your tribe area and see if there are some MDC moms close by.

-Angela
 
#13 ·
Winnie,

I second the recommendation for CST and chiropractic--I think especially the CST is supposed to be very effective in helping with nursing problems, as well as colic and fussing issues.

Also, I wanted to say again, hang in there!! It's so hard to have your baby fussing and screaming and not know how to help them!! Sounds like you're doing all you can do, just keep telling yourself that this phase will pass!!
 
#14 ·
I've had such a hard time getting back to the computer to respond again. I just wanted to say thanks so much for all the replies, I really do appreciate everything you've had to say. It's so helpful to feel the support on this forum. I will try out everything that has been suggested and see if there is any difference.

winn
 
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