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#1 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 02:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I know I already posted a thread about this, but I need more support ! :
I'm starting to leave dd ( age 4.5 months) w/ dh while I go teach on Thursdays. I called as I was leaving work today (and I was only gone for 2 1/2 hours) and dd was SCREAMING! She screamed for my whole 45 minute drive home and when I finally got there, she was beet red all over and clammy and screaming this really terrifying, high pitched alarm cry that just made my stomach drop.

I feel SO SO terrible about this. She does it pretty much every time I leave her. She was absolutely hysterical. It took her 15 minutes of heaving and stuttering to calm down. The thing is, starting next week, I'm going to be gone on Thursdays from 2:15 until 7:45! She'll be with Grandma and then switch off to dh. I just don't know what to do. I have to go back to work, but I SO don't want to leave her to be terrified without me! I'm also going to be doing Monday mornings and Saturday mornings, leaving her with MIL and DH. I feel like she just doesn't feel safe if I'm not with her and that is SO not o.k. We don't really have the financial stability to have me not work at all (it would be VERY difficult, if not impossible) Any suggestions at all? : :

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#2 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 02:42 AM
 
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Would it work at all to bring her with you? Maybe you could sling her some of the time. Could grandpa come too to watch her?



-Angela
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#3 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 02:48 AM
 
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what a good idea, Alegna!

What always worked for us, too, is to have baby on a walk the WHOLE time we're apart. Otherwise, he cries so hard that he vomits until his tummy is absolutely empty!

Maybe plan walks for part of the time and being near you for the rest of the time?! And then her fearfulness may improve over time?
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#4 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 02:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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hi. I'm still online, junking around.
I can't really bring her with me, I'm a piano teacher at a Conservatory with a pretty conservative owner (go figure!). I know she won't want me to have a baby there, it's too distracting and unproffesional. I *might* be able to bring her with me on Monday mornings, but it would mean MIL driving a TON. She probably would be willing though....
I'll try the walk suggestion... thanks :

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#5 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 03:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I've also thought about maybe hiring a high school student (there's a high school up the street) to watch her her in another room while I teach, that way she can bring her in if she needs to nurse or gets hysterical. I don't know how my boss will feel about this, and I wasn't going to try it until she gets a little older.... this just totally sucks. I know she is traumatized from this because she just woke up in our bed and started screaming bloody murder because I wasn't there. She doesn't usually do that. Poor little angel.

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#6 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 03:20 AM
 
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Yes you can stay home.
She needs you.
You can do this.

Also... why are you not able to give your own lessons from home?
(I ask because I assume that you already thought of that, and well maybe if we put twenty heads together instead of two or three... who knows?)
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#7 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 10:55 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alba
Yes you can stay home.
She needs you.
You can do this.
How do you know?

She said that wasn't on the table as an option. Let's respect that.
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#8 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 11:00 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alba
Yes you can stay home.
She needs you.
You can do this.

Also... why are you not able to give your own lessons from home?
(I ask because I assume that you already thought of that, and well maybe if we put twenty heads together instead of two or three... who knows?)
Some of us can't afford that as an option.

I also recommend walks/outings while you are gone. It worked for us with DD when I had to go back to work.

Hugs for you. I know how it sucks when your baby gets upset like that.
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#9 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 11:04 AM
 
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I have a five-month baby who started going to daycare a month ago. My baby had a hard time at first, too. But she is doing much better now, especially because she is taking a bottle of EBM better.

The first few times at daycare were rough, but I had a lot of confidence in our care giver. This past week, she's been nothing but smiles when I dropped her off and picked her up.

I suggest you check out the Working Mama's forum for advice about transitioning to day care.
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#10 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 01:12 PM
 
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I am so sorry this is happening. I don't woh but if I do leave my daughter for any reason it is the same by the time I get back she is a shuddering mess. It makes me sick to my stomach. My sister had to work and her dh brought the baby to her throughout the day. Doesn;t sound like that would work for you though. I think it is great your dh and mom are the care givers since you have to work. I hope you can find a workable solution.

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#11 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 01:12 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alba
Yes you can stay home.
She needs you.
You can do this
Too bad your "warning" about being "blunt" won't show up in the quote. I hesitated to even address this comment as I don't want to give it any more weight than it deserves, but I feel like I have to say something because I am seeing far too much of this type of thing here and well everywhere really. Mothers judging each other and being so dogmatic about their own beliefs that they make other moms feel like crap for not living up to some rediculous ideal. Comments like this are why I hear other mothers say that they are afraid to post on MDC and they just lurk : . I think you used the word blunt as in frank. But it also means slow to understand or perceive; dull and lacking in feeling; insensitive . The OP said she needs "support" and "suggestions" to keep her job and make the transition easier on her DD. I hardly think your comment provided either. If you have to put a warning on your comment, you should probably rethink the comment.

Enudely - if I ever had to be away from my DD at that age it seems like having lots of distractions worked well, lots of familiar people, walks outside, music. I think my Mom let her watch some Noggin without my consent : . My DH also used to sling my DD too, which helped a great deal. Then she would sleep most of the time I was gone. Good luck!
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#12 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 01:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yeah, trust me, I would rather not leave her. If I don't go back to work, we will only have $700.00 left over each month to cover ALL expenses-with students loans and living in Sonoma (where we sometimes spend 200.00 a WEEK on food alone) it's just not possible. Trust me, I've thought about it. I also can't have these particular students come to my house, they're at the Conservatory for a reason. I'm working on getting a base of home students but so far only have two.
I'm just heartbroken about it. I never thought I'd go back to work after having a baby, and even three half-days a week didnt' seem like it would really be "going back to work" but it's turning into a bigger deal than I thought. She does seem to be getting better, so hopefully she'll keep getting better. I just feel so bad.

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#13 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 02:04 PM
 
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i tried working when my middle son (at the time my youngest) was 3yrs old.

i had this WONDERFUL job.
a nice daycare facility.

he HATED it.

more than that, he began to regress, and really started worrying me with his behavior.

he would cry. say such sad things.

i hope you do not have to quit. i hope that time will fix it for you.

working wasn't best for us. so i left work. i miss the job. but you have to do what is best for YOU and your family.

if one realllly tries, you can usually make ways to survive without working. cutting back on EVERYTHING, even moving.

give it time. maybe you and family will adapt. if not. look into money saving options.
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#14 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 02:08 PM
 
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*hugs* This must be so difficult.

Have you talked to your boss? I used to give lessons with my little guy in the sling (when he was older I put him in the backpack) and it worked out just fine. It wasn't unprofessional in the least and he didn't disrupt the lessons. Maybe if she understands that this is the only way it can work, she'll respect that.

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#15 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 02:30 PM
 
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I had to go back to work when I baby was 11 weeks old. It sucked. She was with my mom which she knew very well. We see my mom almost everyday. And she was with her dad. She was upset b/c she wasn't taking a bottle very well and it isn't an option to have my family bring her to me every couple of hours so that I can feed her. She would NOT take the bottle! I left her at around 1:45 that afternoon and I wasn't going to get home until 1:15 that night. She cried and screamed until she had no energy to cry and scream anymore. She finally took a bottle at 11:00 that night. They had tried everything! It was rough. It sucked for everyone. Not working is not an option for me. We would be out of a place to live. One can cut back on expenses but if it still doesn't make ends meet then it just doesn't. She got use to me being gone and she was always surrounded by people who loved her and wouldn't make her intentionally upset. They followed my instructions on how to care for her. What more can you ask for? My mom slinged her her daddy held her constantly. It really didn't take her very long to get used to the fact that mommy had to leave sometimes. The first few times you leave them can be really rough for everyone.
Talk to your boss about an hs student to watch her. That seems good to me. Or if not she will adjust. Until you can get a bigger base of home students. Good Luck I know it sucks
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#16 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 02:50 PM
 
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I understand that some people have posted suggestions that others might not post, but each to their own, thats their opinion and it has its place. Although some people do lurk on MDC because they don't want to post, I don't think everything needs to be censored to accomodate people. We're adults here and we can deal with a post that disagrees with what we might ourselves think.

ANYWAY

to the OP:

Hugs to you. My mom was a piano teacher at a conservatory when I was young and she took some time off but then she brought me to work and had a young girl that we knew watch me in the room next door and bring me in to nurse etc. It worked great. I'm going to ask her what else she did as I got older. I know eventually she got her home student base built up.
I hope you find something that works for you, that must be really tough.
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#17 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 03:31 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ndunn
I understand that some people have posted suggestions that others might not post, but each to their own, thats their opinion and it has its place. Although some people do lurk on MDC because they don't want to post, I don't think everything needs to be censored to accomodate people. We're adults here and we can deal with a post that disagrees with what we might ourselves think.
I haven't read where anyone on this thread suggested censorship, just tact. Suggestions and opinions offered in a repectful way are great, even when they are opposing opinions. However, the OP didn't ask whether going back to work was the right thing to do or not. She clearly stated she has to go back to work for financial reasons. She asked for suggestions on how she could make it easier on her family. I have the absolute luxury of staying home with my DD. I am sure as hell not going to make someone feel like a bad mother who is abandoning her child because she needs to go back to work. By the way, your argument seems completely contradictory. Can I not express my opinion here about someone elses opinion? Aren't we all "adults" that "can deal with a post that disagrees with what we might ourselves think?"

To the OP - I am terribly sorry for arguing like this in the thread you started looking for help. Bad form I know. But it is really starting to make me sick to see women degraded here for having to work and basically being told they don't "really" have to work.
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#18 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 03:51 PM
 
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Some people have mentioned slings... do you guys babywear? Maybe if you have a carrier that she really likes that can be transferred from caregiver to caregiver that would help her feel secure ( that IS the benefit of babywearing, right?) Or what about a transitional object (blankie or stuffed animal) of somekind?
I know your babe is fairly young but perhaps you could take some pictures of where you work and what you do while you are away from her. Put together a little book about it to read while you guys are together and then grandma or dad can read it to her when you are not. Like I said, I know she's young but maybe...
You guys will make it through this
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#19 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 04:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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my MIL said she was showing her pictures of me while I was gone and she swore up and down that it was helping her calm down. (luckily, MIL is GREAT and wants to sling, even wants to do EC!) I just know my boss won't like it if I bring dd, but I guess I can always ask. The other problem with that is DD HATES the car rides and trying to drive 45 minutes without me in the back desperately trying to distract her would just end up with me pulling over every ten minutes and would probably take 3 hours! :
I understand about the argument. I vehemently believe that a mother should not leave her baby. I truly would love to make it work, but we live in SONOMA and have huge bills. We are going to move to a less expensive area eventually, but can't now because it's too expensive. :
Also DH just got a great (but low paying) job that will pay more next year and make him more employable in the long run.
I seriously would not be leaving her if MIL and DH weren't able to watch her, but we would be so broke and I don't even know if it would work. I'm not talking about extras here, I'm talking about food and bills. I feel so blessed to have free child care, and MIL is SO excited to spend the time with her. She really did seem to be doing much better with it too (until yesterday). I really appreciate all your support. I just feel so lousy about letting her scream for me. :
Like I said, I wasn't even thinking of 3 -1/2 days a week as "going back to work" and "Leaving my baby" but it is really ending up feeling like that. I just know it's so unnatural and just not right. I know dd will probably be fine but the poor precious angel (this sounds a lot like my last post! not much resolved I guess). She is such a sweet heart and does not deserve this stress.

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#20 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 05:20 PM
 
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Can you hang out all together? MIL, you and baby...that way baby can see that MIL is just as comforting when you are around and it won't be as traumatic when she comes over, cuz that means mama is going away.
Does that make sense?
Also having a routine that you do, and that dh and MIL can do as well might make the transition easier.
Can you sleep on one of the recieving blankets or with a stuffed toy so it smells like you, so baby can have that for comfort...for sleeping or fussy awake time.
Also making a recording with your voice might help...saying soothing words...'It's all right, Grama's with you, mama will be home soon', then maybe sing your babe's favorate song about 3 times.
It's too bad your work is so far away. Is it possible to find a job closer?

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#21 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 05:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks so much! I keep checking in today!
I think I will try giving her to dh more while we're both home, also I love the idea of recording my voice. I'm definitely going to do that! I'm also going to try sleeping with a stuffed toy. I hate the whole "mother substitute" idea, but here goes! MIL and I have spent a lot of time together, maybe I'll have her hold dd more.
Thanks for the awesome suggestions!
-this job is really good money (and I love it), so it kind of makes it worth the drive....

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#22 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 07:45 PM
 
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Im sorry you and baby are going through this. But... Things would be worse if you didn't have money for food and other basic necessary items. Wouldn't it be nice if we didn't need money to survive? Until then, I guess you have to work.

But anyway... I also would suggest spending a lot of time with DH and your MIL together. At times when baby gets fussy (other than being hungry), hand her over to MIL so MIL can comfort her. Of course feed baby when she is hungry, but she will need to learn different ways of being comforted, than just the breast. So let MIL comfort her with you right there. That way your baby will learn that MIL is trustworthy. Let MIL put her to sleep when she needs a nap. Let her do the "difficult" things a few times so that baby gets used to her. Also... Put your scent on one of her blankets or favorite stuffed animal toys, or even your sling. Sleep with it/on it for a few nights, so that MIL can give it to her and baby will smell you. That may offer some comfort if baby can smell you.

Im sorry you guys are having a difficult time. I hope that things get better for you soon.
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#23 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 08:00 PM
 
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All I can say is that it WILL get better. And then, if you send her to preschool at age 3 or whatever, the first weeks of that will be hard and you'll wonder if it's the right decision. And then, if you send her to kindergarten at age 5 or whatever, the first weeks of that will be hard too. (She might even cry at age 5.) MIL seems awesome, by the way. You're very lucky to have someone who is open to try anything. I think your baby will be fine in a few weeks. And then maybe a few weeks after that, you'll be fine too.
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