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#1 of 14 Old 09-23-2006, 09:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Does anyone else here ever find themselves in this situation? If so, what do you usually do???

Ever since DD was born 7 months ago, my family has been joking about us having another. A little background- we got married young (18 & 21) and after that, got pregnant (purposefully!) twice before DD, but lost both of those babies. Family and friends only knew about the 1st one, though, because when we'd announced that pregnancy, most people were less than thrilled and thought it was an accident and were disappointed in us since we were so young- so I never told anyone about the 2nd. Well, they really ARE thrilled that DD is here, now.

But most of them still let on that they think we should wait to have another, for lots of reasons. HOWEVER, they're constantly joking about us having another, and making comments like, "She needs to be a big sister" or "When are you having another?" or "You guys should have another one now."

Here's the catch...we WANT another one now! But no one knows that. In fact, we're planning on TTC as soon as I start O'ing again (would have even if my cycles had resumed immediately). Yet if we were to actually get pregnant again right away, they'd be excited, but "disappointed" that we didn't wait longer. I just don't want anyone knowing that because of past heartache (both negativity and the miscarriages), and so I'd rather just announce a pregnancy after it's a done deal and there's no discussing it. But I DON'T want to say anything that would make it seem like we don't want another right away, kwim?

So my question isn't whether we should TTC now or not. DH and I are living our OWN life, and we are aware of what we want and what we can handle. But I'm just curious how others would respond in those situations...because I know they're comments aren't "real" and that they're testing the waters to see what I'll say.

Me (27) DH (30)...9 Years

DD (7) ~ DD (4) ~ DS (3)

Praying our April 2013 baby sticks!! joy.gif


Babies in Heaven...angel.gif 9/04 angel.gif 2/05 angel.gif 3/11 angel.gif 4/11 angel.gif 6/11 angel.gif 11/11 angel.gif 2/12 (along with my tube greensad.gif )

 

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#2 of 14 Old 09-23-2006, 09:12 PM
 
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My family always finds something snarky to say about almost every parenting choice we've made. Starting with we were too young (we were 20 with DS1)
and now homeschool. It's really frusterating! I've found the best response is "We're doing what we feel is best for our family". Then subject change. Good luck and congratuations!

Mama to four ('03, '05, '08 & '11) chicken3.gif
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#3 of 14 Old 09-23-2006, 09:14 PM
 
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I just say "One day we will." Dh and I also got married young (19 & 20) and people were constantly telling us to wait, but then turning around and asking when we were having kids.

Mama of three.
 
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#4 of 14 Old 09-23-2006, 09:42 PM
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We've had family joke with us about that. We generally joke back, "Hey! Let us get used to having one first!" We say it with a smile, but also with a firm none-of-your-business undertone. No one has questioned us twice.

professor & maman de DS1 (6) & DS2 (1)

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#5 of 14 Old 09-23-2006, 10:34 PM
 
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I was 19 when I got married and we had our first child when I was 20. We were so excited and it hardly took any time to conceive, so we told everyone as soon as we saw the pink line. The response was less than enthusiastic, and I later learned that my aunt had two relatively late miscarriages before having my two cousins, so they were scared to be happy too soon I guess. Either way I found it really rude: Imagine everyone's shock when we discovered I was 14 weeksinto a second pregnancy and our firstborn was 6 months old! Now don't get me wrong, everyone loves our boys, but I'm growing tired of the "So....are you going back to school?" or "Are you done having kids?" I MIGHT go back to school and NO we're NOT done having kids : Look, what this all boils down to is that this is yours and your DH's life, no one else's. If they ask if you're having more children, I would give them a neutral response like "We don't know." And if it really bothers you that much, tell them that its not really something you feel is appropriate to discuss.
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#6 of 14 Old 09-23-2006, 10:56 PM
 
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I feel your frustration. I was 20 when got pregnant and 21 when I had DS. I think everyone acted happy for us, but were secretly wondering what the hell we were thinking. I don't think it's our age so much (DH was 25 when DS was born) but our financial situation. DH doesn't make much and I choose to stay home. We struggle a lot, but we have the necessities and we're happy. So, we got lots of "congrats" from family, but also lots of negative comments on our financial situation.

So DH is making even less now than he was before, but we're thinking of ttc #2 in 6 months or so. We have NOT told family we're thinking about #2. But they still manage to work it into conversation somehow. Like one morning I wasn't feeling well and my dad said, "I hope you're not pregnant. If you have anothe baby, you'll have to go onto welfare." : Well, first of all, no we wouldn't have to "go on welfare". Babies don't cost us anything. I breastfeed, cloth diaper, co-sleep, and use hand-me-downs. All we'd have to buy is a second car seat and goodness knows you can get those cheap if you have to. Second of all, he should be happy about ANY grandchildren he has. It's not like he's supporting us.

And then there's the people who insist DS "needs" a brother or sister. That's just as annoying if you ask me.

When we do decide to ttc #2, we won't be telling anybody but DH's family (who would be supportive no matter what) and maybe a few friends. They don't need to know we're trying and they don't need to know if baby #2 was an accident or planned. That's personal information. They'll all be gushing over the new baby anyways, and will forget any negative thoughts they had about us having another baby very quickly.

Have your next baby whenever you want. No one needs to know how or why that baby came into the world. Don't tell people you're ttc and wait until a little further in the pregnancy to break the news. Then deliver the news with a huge smile and make it KNOWN you are thrilled about the pregnancy.
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#7 of 14 Old 09-23-2006, 11:05 PM
 
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I wouldn't really discuss it with them either.

We get comments too but mostly of the sort such as "Are you on birth control now?" or "will you be getting your tubes tied now?" and "If you have another you won't be welcome in my house" (said by DH's stepfather).

Gotta love the comments about things that are none of their business!!!
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#8 of 14 Old 09-23-2006, 11:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by northwoods1995 View Post
I wouldn't really discuss it with them either.
Oh I don't care to discuss it at all. LOL I just kinda want to have some prepared short response instead of continuing to sit there like, 'Uhhh...I hope they can't tell that we REALLY want another right now but I'm not going to tell them.'..KWIM??

Glad to see there are others going through this...it's quite annoying.

Me (27) DH (30)...9 Years

DD (7) ~ DD (4) ~ DS (3)

Praying our April 2013 baby sticks!! joy.gif


Babies in Heaven...angel.gif 9/04 angel.gif 2/05 angel.gif 3/11 angel.gif 4/11 angel.gif 6/11 angel.gif 11/11 angel.gif 2/12 (along with my tube greensad.gif )

 

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#9 of 14 Old 09-23-2006, 11:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you everyone!!!

Me (27) DH (30)...9 Years

DD (7) ~ DD (4) ~ DS (3)

Praying our April 2013 baby sticks!! joy.gif


Babies in Heaven...angel.gif 9/04 angel.gif 2/05 angel.gif 3/11 angel.gif 4/11 angel.gif 6/11 angel.gif 11/11 angel.gif 2/12 (along with my tube greensad.gif )

 

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#10 of 14 Old 09-23-2006, 11:27 PM
 
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For some reason, people think they have the right to comment on the number, timing, spacing of other people's children. I don't get it. Dh and I just had our fourth baby two months ago. The response has been less positive with each child. By the fourth pregnancy, his side acted like we were nuts.

I lost three and it took us six years of TTC for the first baby to come. I started telling them that I stopped trying to decide when the kids come a long time ago. They have never come on my time table. They all came in God's time and his timing has been perfect. (I'm sure they don't agree, but it does shut people up) I noticed your siggy says you are a Christian family so maybe a short comment like that would work. Something like, "We'll take our little blessings when God sends them."
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#11 of 14 Old 09-23-2006, 11:40 PM
 
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[QUOTE=1babysmom;6100976]Oh I don't care to discuss it at all. LOL I just kinda want to have some prepared short response instead of continuing to sit there like, 'Uhhh...I hope they can't tell that we REALLY want another right now but I'm not going to tell them.'..KWIM??QUOTE]

Quote:
Originally Posted by writermommy View Post
For some reason, people think they have the right to comment on the number, timing, spacing of other people's children. I don't get it. Dh and I just had our fourth baby two months ago. The response has been less positive with each child. By the fourth pregnancy, his side acted like we were nuts.

I noticed your siggy says you are a Christian family so maybe a short comment like that would work. Something like, "We'll take our little blessings when God sends them."

I like this comment.

I wish I could come up with better responses too--I'm never quick witted when it counts. I generally think of good comments only AFTER the situation has long passed.
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#12 of 14 Old 09-23-2006, 11:42 PM
 
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Just tell them you'll have another when the time is right. Say it firmly, and it should get the point across. Or do like writermommy said and say the same thing with a religious undertone.
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#13 of 14 Old 09-23-2006, 11:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by northwoods1995 View Post

I wish I could come up with better responses too--I'm never quick witted when it counts. I generally think of good comments only AFTER the situation has long passed.
Same here!! That's why I'm so glad to have some of these replies!

Me (27) DH (30)...9 Years

DD (7) ~ DD (4) ~ DS (3)

Praying our April 2013 baby sticks!! joy.gif


Babies in Heaven...angel.gif 9/04 angel.gif 2/05 angel.gif 3/11 angel.gif 4/11 angel.gif 6/11 angel.gif 11/11 angel.gif 2/12 (along with my tube greensad.gif )

 

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#14 of 14 Old 09-24-2006, 04:42 AM
 
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I like what previous posters have said, especially about "we'll have another baby when the time is right." If I'm not feeling particularly irritated about the intrusion, sometimes I lightly tell people when they ask a question like that, "Well, when we decide that you'll be the first to know." You can also just smile mysteriously and remain silent, and that will REALLY bug them! If you are feeling more irate about it you can just be to the point and tell them, "I think that's a pretty personal matter, don't you?"

People really need to mind their own business. Having children is really a pretty personal matter, IMO, and not appropriate for others to comment on. It's not limited to younger people, by the way. I'm 34 and I considered having a child on my own and got pretty negative responses from people because I was single. Then I met DH and the second we told people we were engaged people were like, "Now you need to have a baby" and "When are you going to have a baby?" We got married after a fairly short courtship and we really wanted to just take a bit of time to be married and just be a couple before getting pregnant, so the sudden pressure to breed just because we were getting married was really annoying. We knew we wanted children, but not everyone who gets married does want children and it's rude to assume that, and not everybody who wants children can have them. And of course there is the ever-charming, "You're not getting any younger" commentary from people. The funny thing in our case is that our families were actually better about this than friends, coworkers, acquaintances, etc.
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