"Supportive" friends who aren't (a rant) - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-12-2006, 09:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My "best" friend is really annoying me. My baby has had trouble gaining wt. He's doing good now, 4oz each week for the last 3 wks. But as a result he's 7lb 12 oz at 10wks old. Yes he's tiny, but he's doing great. I'm nursing and having to supplement, which I hate but at this point without the extra he doesn't grow.

Anyway, my friend is trying to be supportive but is totally tearing me down. She can be pretty clueless, so I know it isn't on purpose. She has told me I should give up nursing and just give him more formula (she stopped nusing both her kids within days, I think she's actually jealous that even with probs I stick it out). Today she told me that she's worried that he may end up like her step nephew who now has learning problems because his birth mom didn't feed him and would let him cry for hours in another room. EXCUSE ME?!?! My ds leaves my arms maybe an hour or 2 a day. Even then dh takes him for me. I sleep on the recliner end of the couch holding and nursing him all night. I am not starving him, I nurse until he stops on the first then repeat for the other side, if he still seems hungry I have him try both sides again, then I offer the bottle and he'll drink 1/2 to 1 oz. (I'm trying different things to up my supply too) I told her a weird side effect of this new formula is that he poops very infrequently (like he hasn't pooped since last Thursday morning) My ped said that it can be normal for babies to go that long or longer and he's not constipated (I've btdt with him already so I know how he acts when he is) Now she just called me and told me she's even more worried because when her dog started to die it couldn't poop so it didn't eat and she thinks I should have him seen by another dr because maybe he's not eating because he hasn't been pooping. WT???? He does eat, all the time, uuuggghhhhhh!!! I am so fed up! I keep saying that I need to work on building up other casual friendships and let her slide a bit. We only see eachother at story time these days. My dd loves her ds but, I'm not sure how much more I can take. My dh, who is protective of me and the kids already says I should tell her off and never speak to her again, but I'd feel bad doing that (although I am getting tempted). I'm her only close friend and we've been friends for 7yrs and been pg together twice but we are starting to grow further and further apart, especially since I'm going further and further from mainstream. I know one of these days she will realize that he's not circed and I'm sure she'll have plenty to say about that and I am dreading if she ever asks about how he handled shots because she is big into vaxes. She was just bragging today about how her 8mo dd barely cried when she got her shots but then went on to say that her dd always throws up sometime after her shots.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest, if I tell dh I'll probably have to try to stop him from calling her and giving her a peice of his mind, which would not be pretty.

It feels so good to be here where people understand.
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Old 10-12-2006, 09:20 PM
 
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Oh man! I have such trouble with 'well meaning' friends like that too!

I can see how you'd be so tempted to tell her off, and definitly hear the frustration! Yikes!

I am so glad for you and your babe that he's gaining weight and doing well...sounds like things are right on track for you guys! Way to go! That can be hard, esp when there are so many opinions out there - and so many feels so free to share them - about what you are doing right or wrong etc...

Have you heard about NonViolent Communication? (NVC). It might be helpful in talking to this woman.

Underneath her words might be a convoluted,hidden attempt at care and concern - or perhaps a real need to be validated herself.

If you have the desire and energy, when she says something that is cutting you, your babe, or your parenting choices, you can see if you can empathize at what might be going on for her - "Wow...when you say that I imagine you must be feeling really scared about my son not pooping. Is that accurate?" That's a start. She may continue, needing to be heard, for a while...and you can say, "OH! That's what you meant, so now what I hear you saying is that....[fill it in]. Did I get that right?" And do that until she says, yes. THEN, you can ask what she may need from you about it, or ask if she's willing to hear something from you, which may be "So, when you say things like you did about comparing your dog's death with my son's change in bm, I feel angry and hurt. I don't feel supported by you, and it would be helpful for me if you asked me what I was thinking or feeling, rather than telling me what you think first..." That's simple to write, not so simple to do...

And, if you don't have the energy, I would get a lot of empathy for yourself around what she says to you - and try to avoid her!

Good luck! Hugs to your good-growin' babe!

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Old 10-12-2006, 09:29 PM
 
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the pp gave you gave great advice on how to communicate with her. I personally don't have any patience for annoying friends like that. I would definately not continue on with the friendship if she doesn't stop making hurtful and discouraging comments.

P.S. You are doing GREAT by the way.

Mama to a 3.5 yo dd
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Old 10-12-2006, 09:42 PM
 
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Yes, you're absolutely fantastic...what a sweet picture, you sitting there nursing him all night... How could he not grow up sweet and strong?

I think you should ditch your friend, energy sappers you don't need right now. At least put it on the back burner. People should think before they speak, honestly. Having a child makes you sensitive but also sharpens intuitition, right... So maybe you are just now realizing how different you are, and growing away naturally.

None of me friends even call me anymore since I've had a baby... and the more I think about it, I realize I'm fine with it. Weird.

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Old 10-12-2006, 09:47 PM
 
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Old 10-12-2006, 10:31 PM
 
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so, you have a high needs baby and a toddler? and you nurse your baby all night long? you don't have TIME for this woman and her 'helpful' advice. (frankly i dont see how you have time for storytime much less anything else-but good for you!) iw ould just be busy when she calls and if you have to talk to her and she tries to push her advice on you just tell her you and your baby are seeing a ped on a regular basis and he is SO impressed with how great he is doing gaining 3 oz a week. the comment about her dog dying and the nephew with difficulties would make me angry though, don't compare my child to a dying dog please!! and you are certainly not letting your child cry with hunger, that is a rude insinuation!!
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Old 10-12-2006, 10:43 PM
 
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wow! well i do admire your strength and conviction. when my first was about 4 months old she started loosing some weight. I tried everything in the book to increase my milk supply, I knew she was hungry, it was so sad. I fought tooth and nail to continue nursing for a whole month, but finally conceded it was time to start formula. Looking back at the pictures now scare me a little how skinny she got. she is absolutely fine, the weight loss nor the formula damaged her. I don't know if this applies to you at all but it is what flashed in my head when i read your post and just wanted to give you my little story. Also I had started smoking cigarettes after I delivered her, I found out 5 years later that cigarette smoke can decrease your milk supply by 40%! wish I had known that then.

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Old 10-12-2006, 10:49 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mommy2Amira View Post
the pp gave you gave great advice on how to communicate with her. I personally don't have any patience for annoying friends like that. I would definately not continue on with the friendship if she doesn't stop making hurtful and discouraging comments.

P.S. You are doing GREAT by the way.

ITA! I don't have any room in my life for toxic friends. Some people are painfully jealous. You're a GREAT mama!

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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Old 10-16-2006, 02:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for your support mommas. I hate confrontation, but I really think to be fair I should tell her that she hurt my feelings. I know she has lots of issues stemming from her relationship with her mom and they sometimes show themselves in her being critical of others. It's worse with me I think because our kids are so close in age that it is very easy to compare everything we do with our kids and we are getting to be very different.
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