And the attachment part of attachment parenting is supposed to happen when? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 22 Old 10-21-2006, 07:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am really starting to wonder here... my FIL's old friend is in from out of town, so of course he wanted to come by and show off his grand baby. When they came to the house I was making coffee and DD was on the floor in the kitchen playing. She has NEVER seen this man before in her life, and within minutes of walking through the door she was holding her arms out to him!

I've never been partial to playing "pass the baby", especially since I can't use the separation anxiety excuse, she'd go with the mail man if he'd take her!

I read about all these babies on here who are so attached to their mama's and it makes me jealous. I mean, she does want ME, not hubby or anyone else, at bed time, and she WILL hold her arms out to me then, but she's normally so laid back all the time that she doesn't even notice when I'm gone.

I'm getting a complex here.

Yesterday at my LLL meeting she was crawling around on the floor, and climbing all over the big kids. Didn't look over her shoulder at me once. What the heck?

Am I ridiculous in wanting her to be clingy?

I told my husband about this and he thinks I'm nuts. He says she lights up when I come in the room, and that she is definitely attached to me, but it just feels like she's so independent that it makes me feel so un-wubbed.

Man, this crawling thing sucks. I feel like I'm already loosing my baby. I'm going to be a wreck when we she goes to college. As I type she's on the floor chasing an empty water bottle around the room. She doesn't want anything to do with me.

Frankenstein never scared me. Marsupials do. Because they're FAST.
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#2 of 22 Old 10-21-2006, 07:57 PM
 
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#3 of 22 Old 10-21-2006, 08:10 PM
 
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Oh, I think that your AP style has probably made her so confident.
Don't worry, mama. My DS is the same way. I truly think that they know we're there when they need us so they're not afraid to go to others and explore more.

Leslie, mom to John :, 02/25/06
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#4 of 22 Old 10-21-2006, 08:13 PM
 
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Yep, sounds like a very happy, secure, attached kiddo to me!

For what it's worth, my mama says I was like that as a baby, and I call her every day as a grownup.
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#5 of 22 Old 10-21-2006, 08:35 PM
 
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Sorry, I'm not laughing at you...I'm laughing because you sound so much like ME when ds1 was a baby. He never really did get that separation anxiety you hear so much about. I'd be like "okay, ds, I'm leaving now" and he'd look at me like "What, you haven't left yet? Well, go on, I'm trying to play with nana here!"

Rest assured, you are attached to your baby and she is attached to you. You just have a very social, independent child. My ds is always saying hi to people, and he brings a smile to everyone's face. He is also now the social greeter at the playground, asking everyone who shows up to play with him, and then telling them "thank you coming play me" when they leave. The world needs people like our dcs. Revel in her strengths, and know she will still always need you.

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#6 of 22 Old 10-21-2006, 09:14 PM
 
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She's secure. I know how you feel, though. I was very insecurely attached to my parents. I was the kid who would run crying into mama's arms at the end of daycare every.single.day. I never had faith that they were going to come back and get me and as a result I was ecstatic to see them when they did come back.

My daughter clearly loves me but she is not frantic when she is away from me unless something already has her freaked out. Like today she was getting tons of attention from strangers and when I handed her to dad so I could run to the bathroom, she looked at me like "mama, you can't leave me with all these people!" But other than that, she just takes for granted that mama is here, will be here, and always was here. At her age, that is exactly how she should feel.
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#7 of 22 Old 10-21-2006, 09:17 PM
 
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To me that is the intention of AP! If DS is like that at your childs age I will feel very proud. You should too!

DS (6.06), DD (10.08), DD (05.11).

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#8 of 22 Old 10-21-2006, 09:17 PM
 
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DS is the SAME way... and about the same age. It's frustrating, and I know what you mean!

Dawn, mama to D (3.06) & N (9.07) C (11.09) & Still-in-shock surprise due in Aug!
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#9 of 22 Old 10-21-2006, 09:26 PM
 
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Chiming in here - DS was exactly like that - never had any separation anxiety at all, would go to anyone happily - just a very outgoing, social guy, and he still is. But I hear you on feeling like you don't really "matter" when they don't even give a second glance when you leave the room or the house.

DD, on the other hand? TOTAL mama's girl.

I didn't do anything differently with her than I did with DS, so I just chalk it up to temperament and personality...I know when she's ready to break away from me, she will. I'll let her know I'm here for her without smothering her...just like I did with DS.

As they say, variety is the spice of life; and it takes all kinds.....so don't worry mama, just keep following your kiddo's lead, be there for her and tend to her individual needs - THAT is what AP is all about.

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#10 of 22 Old 10-21-2006, 09:40 PM
 
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Don't worry, that is actually a sign of a securely attached child. I just got through the section on attachment in my human development class, what they look for isn't so much the way that a child seperates from their parent, it is how they greet them when they come back and if they look to you for comfort and reassurance when they are hurt or insecure. It sounds like your doing a great job
Just a side note, this doesn't mean that babies that scream when they get left are insecure, once again, its the way they reuinite if they look to you for comfort that indicates attachment level.
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#11 of 22 Old 10-21-2006, 09:46 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by honeybee View Post
My ds is always saying hi to people, and he brings a smile to everyone's face. He is also now the social greeter at the playground, asking everyone who shows up to play with him, and then telling them "thank you coming play me" when they leave.
Awww, that is sooo cute!

I agree, some people are just born extroverts! But I can see how it would hurt.
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#12 of 22 Old 10-21-2006, 09:53 PM
 
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my dd was like that at times... i was paranoid to take her to stores and whatnot when she was first walking because she literally would go up to strangers and say, "uppy!"

but at other times, like at playgroups she would cling to me... she was never the kid who just romped aroudn with the others. Even at 3, she prefers to be with adults.

I dont' think that you can make a blanket statement about attachment- like, if they "ignore" you they're attached and if they're clingy, they're not. I think it changes at different ages and stages. Right now, she's still a babe and prob. has no idea that you may *not* be there- which is great! attachment! but hold on- at another age, she may freak out. and personally, i didn't need that reassurance! clinginess drives me insane....(which is prob. why she does it! )

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#13 of 22 Old 10-21-2006, 10:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanx guys, you made me feel better. She made it all up to me when I nursed her to sleep and she rolled over and held on to my tank top strap when she fell asleep. I had to open each finger one by one so I could roll away. She was hanging on! LOL.

Frankenstein never scared me. Marsupials do. Because they're FAST.
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#14 of 22 Old 10-21-2006, 11:32 PM
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My DS (6.5 mos) is doing the separation anxiety thing often. I will say though, I wouldn't be worried about what your DD when in a crowd of people, like at LLL. My DS, who sometimes won't even go to Dad because he wants to be right with me, right next to me, really enjoys being around a lot of people and won't even look for me for a while in a setting like that. Its sorta nice because it gives me a bit of a break. (I don't really have breaks anymore because he sleeps with us, is right near me all day long, naps in the sling, and often takes a bath/shower with me.) So, enjoy her as she is exploring around. Enjoy her looks of excitement and wonder. That's perfect for an attached baby, I on the other hand, don't have that right now and it makes me wonder about our attachment. Especially since he often cries when I walk into the room he is in, even if he was playing well with Dad.
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#15 of 22 Old 10-22-2006, 03:05 PM
 
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My little guy is like that, a total adventurer. He says bye bye to me when I leave and goes about his business. He plays independently in his room for hours at a time. I'm soooo happy about this, since my oldest son was and still is a super clingy mama's boy (at 3.75, he still nurses, cosleeps, likes to be slung, etc). I don't think either of them are more attached than the other, they just have different personalities.
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#16 of 22 Old 10-22-2006, 03:46 PM
 
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Hayley was like that until about 8 months. Now she freaks when anyone looks in her direction. It's just a stage.
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#17 of 22 Old 10-22-2006, 03:47 PM
 
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Is it when your 2.5mo only takes an ounce from his bottle while youre working and is wide awake smiling when you get home and just wants Mama to nurse him to sleep? I left tons of milk last night and I freaked when my stepmom told me thats all he took He wasnt upset. Just waiting for me
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#18 of 22 Old 10-22-2006, 03:48 PM
 
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*hugs* It sounds like you're doing everything right. You've helped your little one feel so secure that she's not afraid to explore her world and experience new things and meet new people, because she knows you'll always be there waiting for her when she's done. Great job, mama!

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#19 of 22 Old 10-22-2006, 03:57 PM
 
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I have parented my kids in mostly the same style, just a bit more babywearing with each one. So far (at almost 6yo, 3.5yo and 5mo) my girls have been more independent sooner than my guy but that's just their temperment, and each has experienced the occasional separation anxiety. For a long time I couldn't even hand my ds over to my mom or dad to go pee but now he is happy to hang out with whomever.
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#20 of 22 Old 10-22-2006, 04:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by busybusymomma View Post
I have parented my kids in mostly the same style, just a bit more babywearing with each one.
I wear her off and on all day long. For a while she wouldn't sleep when I wore her, now she's back to sleeping in the mai tei for her morning nap.

Frankenstein never scared me. Marsupials do. Because they're FAST.
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#21 of 22 Old 10-22-2006, 04:04 PM
 
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I wear her off and on all day long. For a while she wouldn't sleep when I wore her, now she's back to sleeping in the mai tei for her morning nap.
It was odd that I wore ds more than dd1 but he was more clingy. But bw'ing made keeping him close so much easier! Not all babies/toddlers want to be worn all the time, I think that's something you have to follow your child's cues.
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#22 of 22 Old 10-22-2006, 04:04 PM
 
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Umm.... I really don't mean to sound so differnt in my view of this....but I think it has a lot to do with your childs temperment. My dd is outgoing and smiles at everyone and doesn't mind much when someone else holds her. My ds on the other hand at this age shrieked when someone else tried to touch him. It is their temperments. Of course AP parenting makes for a very confident little child later on, but because of his temperment at that age he would cling and scream, now if they just talked to him as long as I was holding him he would smile and coo, after he warmed up to them.
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