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#1 of 33 Old 12-01-2006, 04:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just received a baby card for my daughter born a week ago from her great-grandmother(my Dh grandmother). In the card was a Heloise clipping about sending thank you notes. Then on the actual card that I wil be saving she did not even congratulate us. Instead she wrote that she wasn't sure about sending money for the baby(she never once used her name) because she had not heard anything from us after giving my husband money when he visited in September. She included a $20 check .
She also complained to my MIL 3 weeks after our wedding when she had not yet received a thank you note(consider that I was 20 weeks pg at our wedding). At any rate I did get her thank you card out about 6 weeks after the wedding which I think is pretty normal. I am so annoyed that she couldn't even focus on the joy of our daughters birth. Also my dh never told me about the money she gave him(or my pg brain forgot) or I would have sent a card. Is this ridiculous? Does anyone know what that "appropriate" time frame for sending baby thank you notes is? I looked on-line for a Heloise etiquette clip of some sort becasue I am pretty sure it is 6mos-1 year for thank you notes,especially with a new baby. If anyone has a link to etiquette rules I would love to see it so I can print it off and send it in my thank you note-expressing to her how neat it is that we both share a love of etiquette!! Rant over.
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#2 of 33 Old 12-01-2006, 04:14 PM
 
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I'm sure people will chime in with etiquette techincalities, but OTOH etiquette cuts both ways and this woman was EXTREMELY rude. Yikes.
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#3 of 33 Old 12-01-2006, 04:15 PM
 
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i thought it was one year but everything i see on the internet says as soon as possible, better late than never...

http://www.emilypost.com/etiquette/h...note_blues.htm

grandmas have earned the right to be crochety (sp??)... sorry... :

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#4 of 33 Old 12-01-2006, 04:16 PM
 
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I'm sure people will chime in with etiquette techincalities, but OTOH etiquette cuts both ways and this woman was EXTREMELY rude. Yikes.
yeah, she definitely was rude... sounds way too much like my grandmothers though...

Ange. Mama to boys. Yup. All Boys. All Intact. A bunch of other NFL, crunchy credentials too.
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#5 of 33 Old 12-01-2006, 04:23 PM
 
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It may be bad manners to not send a thank you note (which it sounds like was your DH's job to do, not yours), but it is an atrocious lack-of-manners to berate someone for not doing so.

Tanya
Mom to John (age 11), James (age 9) & Katherine (age 5)
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#6 of 33 Old 12-01-2006, 04:24 PM
 
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Yes, she was rude. But, unfortunatly, many people are. For weddings, I belive you are to send a thank you within 6 months. I am unsure about baby showers. I always sent mine ASAP. I had mine written and sent before baby arrived, so I would not have a truckload to write with having a newborn. I wrote them before putting the new items away. I started writing them the day of my shower. For gifts I received after baby was born, I wrote them usually in a day or two, then sent them out. I wrote them before putting the items away. I hate clutter, and I am quick to deal with clutter. So I knew I would get them out fast if I made myself write them before putting the item away. For my wedding shower, I wrote them immediatly after the shower. For wedding gifts, I wrote them immediatly after my honeymoon.
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#7 of 33 Old 12-01-2006, 04:55 PM
 
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Sounds like my MIL.

She thinks she needs to remind me to send a thank you whenever anyone sends us (or the baby) a gift. It just makes me resent the whole process. I do have some sense, ya know. I have always sent a thank you but she likes to say things like "boy that was a nice gift so and so sent, make sure you send her a card because she will expect it". ( as if I didn't know that already). She then proceeds to ask me everytime she sees me if I have sent one yet. So annoying!

As far as weddings it is 6 months to 1 year (but should do asap). For baby showers I think it is weeks not months.
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#8 of 33 Old 12-01-2006, 04:59 PM
 
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Save the Heloise clipping too, that's one for the baby book. Your daughter will get a laugh out of it one day!

Family is so weird sometimes. We had someone send us a wedding gift: a $50 check, wrapped in a piece of yellow notebook paper with no note on it, crammed in the pre-stamped RSVP envelope from our invite. This was like 2 months after the wedding, so obviously they didn't RSVP.

I'd write her a thank you note, tell her that you apologize for making her feel like her gift wasn't valued, but this is a hectic time in life, and you thought you had a bit longer according to Emily Post. Say you hope her disappointment doesn't overshadow her happiness at welcoming your daughter, and enclose some photos. She's rude and wrong, but it's not worth the fight. I have an aunt who is perpetually feeling persecuted, and it's easier to just make nice. They'll die soon anyway :
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#9 of 33 Old 12-01-2006, 05:05 PM
 
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wedding generally are 6 month

given that you travle for the wedding, the honeymoon then set up new house keeping (old school ideas)

but

I have never heard more than 4 to 6 weks for baby gifts recieved after baby, and gifts before baby should be thanks before baby -- or so i was told.

be the bigger person.

Aimee

Aimee + Scott = Theodore Roosevelt (11/05) and 23 months later Charles Abraham (10/07)....praying for a little sister; the search starts May 2014
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#10 of 33 Old 12-01-2006, 05:18 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilysmama1124 View Post
If anyone has a link to etiquette rules I would love to see it so I can print it off and send it in my thank you note-expressing to her how neat it is that we both share a love of etiquette!! Rant over.
I am chuckling at that one.

If your dh got the money, then wouldn't it be his responsibility to send the thank you note? I feel bad that she probably feels that her gift was unappreciated and it seems like some elderly people are lonely and feel that they aren't needed anymore, except maybe when it comes to money. At the same time, I think this is something she should bring up with her grandson and the birth announcement should be about participating in the joy of the child.
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#11 of 33 Old 12-01-2006, 05:23 PM
 
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It strikes me as odd that you get 6 months to a year after you get married (which was a period of time that I had plenty of energy for things like thank you notes) and only a matter of weeks for baby presents (I've only gotten presents since the baby was born and it's soooo so hard now to manage all the small details in life, like thank you notes). I'm sure you're all right about this, it just seems like particularly harsh etiquette to expect from a new mom.
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#12 of 33 Old 12-01-2006, 05:28 PM
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You DON'T get that long for wedding gifts. That's a really popular but incorrect idea. You have up to a year to SEND a wedding gift, but TYs should always be sent out asap, within several weeks for major things like weddings and babies. I think TYs ARE important, but I hope I'd never forget that someone with a new baby is NOT to be judged! ANd I hate that for some reason it's on the woman, even if she never knows that someone gave her male partner something. La-a-ame.
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#13 of 33 Old 12-01-2006, 05:44 PM
 
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My wedding thnak yous went out 10 months after the wedding. My baby is 3 months old soon, and I just ordered her birth announcements and am getting my act together on the thank you cards for baby gifts.

I operate on the "better late then never" scale!

FWIW I do write a long note in each card- I feel bad if I don't.

Mama to Raina (9/06) and Peter (8/09)!
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#14 of 33 Old 12-01-2006, 06:21 PM
 
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It strikes me as odd that you get 6 months to a year after you get married (which was a period of time that I had plenty of energy for things like thank you notes) and only a matter of weeks for baby presents (I've only gotten presents since the baby was born and it's soooo so hard now to manage all the small details in life, like thank you notes). I'm sure you're all right about this, it just seems like particularly harsh etiquette to expect from a new mom.
Ditto!

Of course, I need to write my thank you cards as soon as I get something or else I'll forget and it'll NEVER get done. Wedding gifts - as soon as I got back from honeymoon. Baby shower gifts - written out that day and sent out the next day.

DH thinks I'm just a little crazy, but nobody questions his manners/character/etiquette/upbringing if thank you cards are late in coming.
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#15 of 33 Old 12-01-2006, 06:34 PM
 
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In general, I like old traditions, but I have to say that I hate thank you cards. I think they are a waste of time and postage. Whenever I get one in the mail I get excited when I see a hand written note, followed by the immediate "oh, it's just a thank you card". I do not give gifts expecting a card. The smile and thank you at the occasion is quite enough for me.

Wife to Joe and Mama to Rosie, 6/28/06, Jack, 10/25/08 and JoJo 3/18/10.
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#16 of 33 Old 12-01-2006, 08:57 PM
 
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In general, I like old traditions, but I have to say that I hate thank you cards. I think they are a waste of time and postage. Whenever I get one in the mail I get excited when I see a hand written note, followed by the immediate "oh, it's just a thank you card". I do not give gifts expecting a card. The smile and thank you at the occasion is quite enough for me.
:

you know what it's gonna say right? Hi XXXX, Thanks for the XXXXX Love, XXXXX

LOL or at least mine do!!!!LOL
(in my defense I had bad pregnancy carpal tunnel and could barely write my hands were so swollen!)

Miles (December 2005) Pascual (March 2009). P's was my beautiful home waterbirth that healed me from my M's birth. natural birth, midwifery, postpartum depression, babywearing, breastfeeding.
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#17 of 33 Old 12-01-2006, 09:05 PM
 
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Originally Posted by olive&pimiento View Post
In general, I like old traditions, but I have to say that I hate thank you cards. I think they are a waste of time and postage. Whenever I get one in the mail I get excited when I see a hand written note, followed by the immediate "oh, it's just a thank you card". I do not give gifts expecting a card. The smile and thank you at the occasion is quite enough for me.
Yeah but that means you especially need a TY note when someone has sent you the gift, cuz they need to be notified that you've received it, KWIM?

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Originally Posted by vanessab23 View Post
:

you know what it's gonna say right? Hi XXXX, Thanks for the XXXXX Love, XXXXX

LOL or at least mine do!!!!LOL
(in my defense I had bad pregnancy carpal tunnel and you barely write!)
I always try to put in something personal so the person doesn't feel like it's a waste of postage.
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#18 of 33 Old 12-02-2006, 12:58 AM
 
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:

you know what it's gonna say right? Hi XXXX, Thanks for the XXXXX Love, XXXXX

LOL or at least mine do!!!!LOL
(in my defense I had bad pregnancy carpal tunnel and could barely write my hands were so swollen!)

Actually, I received a thank you card once for a present I didn't give. She got it mixed up and I didn't know what to tell her...:

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#19 of 33 Old 12-02-2006, 01:50 AM
 
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Whenever I give a gift to a new mom, I write a ps in the card saying "Please don't send me a thank you card. I know you appreciate this and it is NOT supposed to add to your list of things to do "
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#20 of 33 Old 12-02-2006, 02:13 AM
 
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Whenever I give a gift to a new mom, I write a ps in the card saying "Please don't send me a thank you card. I know you appreciate this and it is NOT supposed to add to your list of things to do "
aaahhh, that's sweet. I like that. does it work? or do you get a card anyway?

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#21 of 33 Old 12-02-2006, 04:48 AM
 
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I do not give gifts expecting a card. The smile and thank you at the occasion is quite enough for me.
:

I'm terrible with thankyou cards... I just prefer to ring people and say thankyou if the gift has been sent, or thank them at the occasion they give it to me on.

And yes, thats definatly a rude thing of her to do. Especially to a new Mum (Having a DD who is 9wks old I totally understand you have much more important things to be doing)
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#22 of 33 Old 12-02-2006, 10:33 AM
 
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I HATE people like this woman. I think that it is forgivable if you forget to send a thankyou card but it is beyond rude to mention to someone that they didnt do so. Including the heloise clipping and berating you about not sending one is so so so shallow and rude. I think that it is also rude that she she didnt congratulate you on the new baby. Here is the letter I would send her.

Dear Grandmother,
I have enclosed the 20 dollars that you sent us in the mail. We do not feel comfortable keeping your money when we know that you are giving it to us with the expectation of a thank you card and not because you are happy for us and actually want us to have the money.
We are offended by you lack of consideration for our feelings and also by your very inpolite card.
We are also offended and dismayed that you would be more interested in berating us about thank you cards than congratulating us for having a child. Thanks anyway. Maybe you will learn from this experience that you are not queen of the country.

Ok maybe that is a bit much but I would seriously write her a note correcting her for her actions and send her money back to her. She is rude.

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#23 of 33 Old 12-02-2006, 12:18 PM
 
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Send her a thank-you note, telling her you really liked her card and appreciate her etiquette tips. Tell her for your future reference, you'd love to see the Heloise clipping that explains the correct way to withold congratulations on the birth of a baby while berating the parents for etiquette violations.
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#24 of 33 Old 12-02-2006, 12:29 PM
 
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After our wedding, we got an ANONYMOUS newspaper article in the mail that said thank you notes should be mailed two weeks after receiving the item. It really really hurt my feelings. I eventually traced the article and realized it was one of DH's parents friends (didn't know which one, though). They had actually driven just over the border of our state to mail the note to disguise the letter's origins. It was rude and cowardly.

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aaahhh, that's sweet. I like that. does it work? or do you get a card anyway?
25% of the time i still get a card (tbh, i would probably still write a card ) 50% of the time they do NOT send a card and the other 25% a get a phone call (only if they open the card after I leave).
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#26 of 33 Old 12-02-2006, 12:41 PM
 
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After our wedding, we got an ANONYMOUS newspaper article in the mail that said thank you notes should be mailed two weeks after receiving the item. It really really hurt my feelings. I eventually traced the article and realized it was one of DH's parents friends (didn't know which one, though). They had actually driven just over the border of our state to mail the note to disguise the letter's origins. It was rude and cowardly.

that is awful.
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#27 of 33 Old 12-02-2006, 04:02 PM
 
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Man, the etiquette police would have me locked up and handcuffed if they could. Thank you cards... talk about a waste of trees and postage, IMO. But I have never been a card person. I mean all those hallmark cards for birthdays... like my little nieces care about the CARD. They care about the PRESENT! That is the reality.

I bet all these etiquette rules were designed by Hallmark and paper companies!

I *always* thank people for gifts, either in person, via phone, or via email (yeah, I'm a child of the Internet for sure!), but to actually send a card???? I don't think the proper gratitude should be underestimated, but... cards?

Oh jeeeeeze... My Dad was one of those *must have card mailed* people and it used to drive me crazy!

That said, we had our wedding out of state (Vegas!), so we did not get wedding presents. My husbands aunt did, however, of her own volition give us some money towards our home remodel...from her and my husbands grandmother. So nice of them! So at our baby shower, she is sitting there and suddenly blurts out "We didn't bring you a baby gift, since we gave you all that money for the house!" : The funny thing is, I wouldn't have noticed one way or the other if she had not announced it in front of everyone.

Etiquette shmetiquette! People are so silly about these things sometimes!!!!
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#28 of 33 Old 12-02-2006, 04:16 PM
 
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Actually, *true* etiquette states that a personal, face-to-face expression of thanks is the preferential method of thanking, and actually negates the need for a thank you note sent in the mail. TY notes are considered an *alternative* that is necessary only when the giver does not present the gift in person and the recipient obtains the gift via mail or a third-party.

If your husband thanked her when she presented the check, and actually *saw* it (instead of opened it later, which would necessitate a written thank you), then you technically and quite correctly don't "owe" her a TY note at all! Most of us prefer to send them anyway, but if you want to get into a little etiquette pissing match (j/k of course, I know you're taking the high road), you could write a note that said:

I was somewhat confused when I received your note with the newspaper clipping about thank you note etiquette. In this enclosed article by Emily Post, long considered an expert in true etiquette, she clearly states that a personal, face-to-face thank you is sufficient to satisfy the social need for acknowledging a gift given. Is there an additional need for gratitude that you feel that was not met?

Sincerely,
New Baby Mama

Mama to H (6) B (3) : A (1)
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#29 of 33 Old 12-03-2006, 01:05 AM
 
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I included a written note with each birth announcment picture. DS was about 2 months old when I got around to it. With DD she was closer to 3 months.
I do thank in person or on the phone or email but because all our family is far away I send the picture with the written note when I get the chance.

I do think great grandma was pretty rude to expect a quick thank you though sigh...

tara
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#30 of 33 Old 12-03-2006, 01:19 AM
 
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Quite rude of her to upbraid you in a card. Absolutely unconscionable to be rude when talking about a "rudeness" issue.

However, I think she can decide not to send you any gifts or money if she doesn't get thank you cards. It's nice of her to tell you that instead of just stopping giving things.

Finally, there is some tale going around about having a year to send wedding thank you notes, but you won't find any etiquette person that endorses that - more like a 2 week rule of thumb. Really.

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