My best friend and I were infertile together for many many years until I got pregnant (surprise!!) last year. Now, she is still infertile and it is seriously affecting our friendship that I have a baby and she doesn't. We used to spend our Saturdays together shopping and doing errands and now we have to work around my baby's schedule. I talk alot more about my baby and how I plan to raise him.... I dont know what to do. She called me tonight and said things had been bothering her...a long list, but it boils down to the fact that I have Simon, and she has yet to get pregnant. What can I do? I cant ignore the fact that I have a baby! I wouldnt want to if I could. WIll she ever be able to be happy for me instead of feeling sorry for herself? How can I be more sensitive? Is our friendship destined to fail? Did you lose your friends who dont have children? This is a REALLY good friend, I really thought we could work through anything....
Originally Posted by momtosimon
My best friend and I were infertile together for many many years until I got pregnant (surprise!!) last year. Now, she is still infertile and it is seriously affecting our friendship that I have a baby and she doesn't. We used to spend our Saturdays together shopping and doing errands and now we have to work around my baby's schedule. I talk alot more about my baby and how I plan to raise him.... I dont know what to do. She called me tonight and said things had been bothering her...a long list, but it boils down to the fact that I have Simon, and she has yet to get pregnant. What can I do? I cant ignore the fact that I have a baby! I wouldnt want to if I could. WIll she ever be able to be happy for me instead of feeling sorry for herself? How can I be more sensitive? Is our friendship destined to fail? Did you lose your friends who dont have children? This is a REALLY good friend, I really thought we could work through anything....
I don't have the whole answer to your situation, but I would suggest talking about your baby less with her. I am sure there are plenty of other people who you can share all those things about your baby's first crawl or first tooth. Try to find different topics of conversations with your friend. I don't think that she is necessarily unhappy for you, your baby is just a very sensitive subject for her. Also, perhaps ask her how you can change your behaviour so that it does not bother her and works for both of you.
Good luck.
BTW, I've never had fertilty problems. I am sure people on this forum who had such problems would be able to better address your concerns.
Just keep reminding your friend that things happen for people when God wants them to. I dont know if you or your friend believe that God holds the power in everything.... but I do and it seems to work out well for me. I wasn't suppose to EVER have children. In fact, I was supposed to have a hysterectomy in December 05 and found out I was pregnant in October. So... things happen that sometimes aren't supposed to. Same with your situation... It was meant for you to have Simon and it may be meant for your friend to possibly adopt... your really between a rock and a hard place.... I mean... you never REALLY know what to say.... However, let her know that you love her and she is your best friend and you never thought ANYTHING would come between the two of you.... You dont want to loose a friendship over something that is completely out of your control. Let her know that if you could change things for her and give her the child she wants so badly you would.... but all you can do is be there for her....
Originally Posted by ladybugamber
Just keep reminding your friend that things happen for people when God wants them to.
I've always heard that this was exactly what NOT to say.
Maybe try some more focused activities together, like taking a class or learning a sport? That way you can talk about the new activity instead of talking about/avoiding the subject of your kid.
I would just have an open discussion about where the two of you are at. I understand, not b/c of fertility problems, but everyone I know wants to have their first babe right about now and it isn't coming as easy as we all thought.
Unless she is religious, I would leave God out of it. And I wouldn't offer fertility advice unless she asks for it. I would just ask her as many things about her life as you can, and let her initiate talk about Simon. Good luck!
Originally Posted by ladybugamber
Just keep reminding your friend that things happen for people when God wants them to.
Oh, man, please don't say this to her. I am a Christian, but comments like that would send me over the edge when I was dealing with infertility. It implies that God does not want her to have a child, but that He thinks it's perfectly acceptable for 14-year-old crackheads to get pregnant. IMO, it's very cruel to tell somebody they can't have a baby because God doesn't want them to have one.
To answer your question - yes, you can still be friends. It might be hard, though, especially now that your life revolves around your child (as it should, of course). Like another poster suggested, I would avoid chatting about your baby so much. Find other things to talk about with her. While I'm sure she's happy for you, that doesn't take away the fact that she's hurting for herself and what she doesn't have, ya know? And besides, baby chatter isn't really all that interesting to most people without children - regardless of if their dealing with infertility.
Just try to be there for your friend. Do some reading on infertility so you'll be informed, but don't try to offer her any advice or placate her with cliches. Ask her how she's doing, and when she tells you, really listen.
Your friend may need to take the lead in defining how your relationship will progress, since it seems that she is the one that is having trouble dealing with the changes in your friendship. You might have to change your relationship for the time being...
I had trouble getting pregnant and it was very very painful for me to be around others who were pregnant or had small children, even when they were very sensitive to my feelings- I'm sure you experienced some of this yourself since you had some problem with infertility.
Everyone handles these things differently, but I eventually decided to limit my interaction with those people/situations somewhat. I know it sounds selfish/immature- but I really couldn't cope unless I gave myself some distance. If I was having a particularly bad week I wouldn't go to places where I knew these people would be. I still loved those friends, it was just too hard for me. And I think they understood. Your friend may be able to resume your relationship after she has a break to deal with her emotions.
I battled infertility for 6 years. Almost all of my friends had babies in that time. It was often hard for me, and I'm guessing your friend just needs some time and space. Try not to talk about parneting choices, etc. I know you're excited about your child and want to talk about him. Try to focus on other things, though, at least for now.
Last year we had it all planned out. My best friend was adopting a baby due in December and I was due in February. BF's baby was born, she brought him home from the hospital, signed the temporary custody papers with the bio mom...Then the very same day she signed the papers the bio mom can and took the baby back. Totally devestated my friend. So from then on, the focus wasn't about me and my pregnancy, but about her. We talked about everything but babies for a long time. When I had DS she was very excited for me, but it took her some time to work out her own feelings. Your friend just needs time.
Originally Posted by ladybugamber
Just keep reminding your friend that things happen for people when God wants them to
Yeah really DON'T say this. Someone very close to me lost 2 of her babies (eptopic then m/c) after many infertility problems and that's the last thing you want to hear. Maybe to some people that gives them comfort, but to the majority of people it won't.
They also had a friend who was infertile and when she finally got pregnant and had a child her friend just stopped talking to her. They however were not best friends. I don't have any advice but good luck, I hope you can make it work
I'd talk to her openly and tell her that you will be her friend even if she needs some time and space away from you in the short term. It's so difficult but it's the greatest gift you can give her right now, the reassurance that your friendship will persist until she's ready to resume normal contact. I also agree with the previous poster who suggested a focused activity to bring you together that will keep the topic away from parenting/children. Good luck and best (fertile) wishes for your friend.
I was once the infertile friend/SIL/cousin in law who broke down in tears upon hearing of a pregnancy or seeing a baby. Now I have two babies, but it took a long time to get to a place where I can finally be happy for others who achieve pregnancy, even if it was a surprise. Please give her space and just let her know that you still care about her and wish her well - that you will be there for her when she needs someone to talk to when she is ready. If she doesn't already know about fertilethoughts.com, I would mention that website forum to her. It has been really helpful to me over the past 4 years. Please do not tell her that there must be a reason for her to be infertile or that God is in control, blah blah blah. It was awful for me to hear s#!t like that. No caring God would WANT women (or men) to be infertile or lose their precious children to preterm labor / death. I ran from the room at a Christmas party one year to cry in the bathroom because my MIL ran in with a huge smile and my dh's cousin's infant son. I hid in the bathroom to cry at a football party where a guest had brought her son and was bf'ing him. I wanted SO much to be a mom. Maybe she would enjoy talking about the details of her infertility or the procedures/tests they have gone through or will go through. Be supportive and caring. I would have loved for someone to have had gone through the same things as me or at least pretended to understand what I felt like. Try not to talk about Simon. Talk about the things you used to. ((HUGS))
Originally Posted by ladybugamber
Just keep reminding your friend that things happen for people when God wants them to.
Please do not do this. If anyone ever said that to me I would stop speaking to them. For real. I mean, it is really insensitive. And honestly, I know people believe in God and what not, but if God is letting mothers and babies die all over Iraq, do I really think s/he give a s^&* less about whether or not *my* ovaries are functioning?
I do think there is really good advice in this thread. When you have a new baby it is really hard to stop talking about them. Your friend doesn't want to hear about how *you* get to put your parenting theories into action when she is having such a rough time. I don't think people realize (certainly I didn't before IF) that it is a constant issue to be IF. It comes up in everything. In the back of my mind during conversations I am picturing my chart and trying to figur out if it's biphasic and wondering when I can go pee so I can check my cervix one more time. Or thinking about the pregnancy test I took and left on the counter. Is there a line NOW? And if there is, will it be there when I get back? Was that a cramp that means I'm pregnant or one that means I'm about to get my period? It's constant.
And every so often somebody gets pregnant and I have to act happy for them, and deep down I am, really, but it just rubs in how much of a failure my body is and theirs isn't. And for every baby that I am crazy about in the world, I know which ones have been conceived and born since I started TTC and those babies hurt the most. This is probably the case for your friend.
Can you shift the conversation to be more about her and what is going on in her life right now? This is a tough time for her and you can probably talk parenting stuff with lots of people. Maybe start going to a playgroup and get that stuff out of your system so that when you two hang out you can stick that talk on the shelf. Ad your baby gets older maybe you can catch coffee with her on the weekends sans baby?
And also, if the baby is dominating your conversations, perhaps a refocus on the hobbies you did before baby will help enrich your life and give you something to talk about with your BFF.
I hope that helps. It's really tough for both of you.
"Will she ever be able to be happy for me instead of feeling sorry for herself?"
I know she would be happy for you if she could, but infertility is extremely painful. She isn't just feeling sorry for herself. She is in pain. It is very difficult to be happy for others when they get pregnant and have babies when you can't. I had a miscarriage followed by 3 years of infertility and finally have a beautiful 9 week old daughter. During it all I did believe it would happen for me, but that is no consolation when another month passes and I still wasn't pregnant.
As the previous posters said, keep God or "mean to be" out of it. Implicit in that comment is that you are somehow more worthy in God's eyes than she is. It can't but come off as judgmental. And it is not going to comfort her regardless of her beliefs. Even if she believes that, she can tell herself she does NOT want to be told by others!
The other thing with infertility is, if she is going through treatment, she is constantly having to think about it. What day of the cycle is it, what med, procedure, decision is involved today. It is exhausting. You can never just turn it off and forget about it. It is always there.
I was not able to attend baby showers (luckily I moved and people didn't expect me) and whenever I would get a pregnancy announcement call (thank goodness people would call me with the news and not deliver it in person!) I would be exuberant for them on the phone but then cry when I hung up. I am so happy now to be able to be truly happy for others at their good news. It is horrible to be unable to be happy for people when you know you should be. You cannot control your feelings so try not to blame her for not being able to be there the way you want her to be, sharing in all your joys about the baby. Luckily I had 2 friends who could relate, one going through infertility and the other had several miscarriages as people who aren't going through it aren't very receptive to hearing about it generally.
One of the books I read on infertility talked about the loss. Women who suffer through it go through the stages of grief, just as you do when someone dies. But with infertility it is just not one death, she has to go through it month after month and there is always the hope that next month will be the month so you just can't get over it and move on.
I would talk to her and tell her you know it is painful for her and ask how you can interact in a positive way that will be reasonable for both of you as obviously you can't just shut off talking about your baby. It may be that she needs space for a while. Definitely she won't want to hear non-stop baby stuff, but since baby is all consuming to you, there may not be much else to talk about, that's understandable. I know being home with a newborn, I really have little else to talk about since I do nothing else.
It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Perhaps given a little space, she will be able to be more there in a while. It was only the small babies that were so upsetting to me, kids in general were fine so perhaps there needs to be some space between you guys now but you'll be able to pick up where you left off in a while. Good luck.
I understand it must be really hard not to talk about your baby (because really, I talk about nothing and no one else!
) but I'm sure you understand that your friend feels like you're rubbing it in her face, and I think that's totally understandable, too. I think you should just do your best to avoid talking about the baby (as much as is possible, at least!) and ask her more about her life. (When I run out of things not baby-related to talk about, and don't want to bore my friends with how often DD poops, and all that other fun news that only parents want to know, I just talk about what I've seen in magazine covers in the grocery store checkout!
)
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