I am *so* pissed at my mom.... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 24 Old 06-15-2003, 11:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We left Caroline (12 mos) with her today while we took the older girls to the pool. She hadn't napped yet, will not nap at the pool, and would have been miserable if we had taken her.

So my mom agrees to watch her for 2 hours. No problem. I nursed her right before we left, and left apple juice and food for lunch just in case she was still hungry/thirsty. She loves apple juice and takes it with no problem, so it shouldn't have been an issue.

I called twice to check in - no problems. We get back to my mom's house and I find out that my mother apparently owns formula and decided to give her a bottle of it. Now, while I am not opposed to formula in general, I am so mad that she gave it to my daughter! She has gone a full year never having formula or milk, well, other than mommy milk. And my mom KNOWS that I don't give her formula and don't want her to have it. I was feeling really proud of that accomplishment because I formula fed my other 2 for 6 months, and I promised myself I wouldn't do it this time. So now, after 12 months she does this to me.

Then, of course, because Caroline has had no previous exposure to formula she gets terrible diarrhea. Such terrible diarrhea that it starts streaming out of her diaper and all over the kitchen floor. It made we want to cry. All because my mom can't respect my wishes for 2 flippin hours. And then she didn't even bother to apologize - or even tell me for that matter. I only found out because I found the half empty bottle and tasted it.

I love my mom. Typically she is one of my best friends, but I am disgusted with her for doing this. It's not as though I didn't provide an alternative beverage. And frankly, at 12 months there is no need for her to have formula, even if I weren't still nursing her. Nor was there any need for her to drink from a bottle since she has been able to drink from a cup since 6 months.

Am I taking this too personally, or would you be mad, too?
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#2 of 24 Old 06-15-2003, 11:25 PM
 
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I'd be mad. We're talking about an older baby. We're talking about 2 measly hours. There was NO reason for her to do this other than to "one up" you.

I know my MIL can't wait to pop a bottle into my babe's mouth and so I have made sure this time around to have NO formula anywhere and plenty o' EBM on hand to satisfy the psycho-grandma urge to feed grandchildren bottles I love my MIL too, but would be PLENTY pissed if she did what your mom did.

And then diahrea to top it off. And no apology. That's just wrong. Not sure what to do about it, just offering my support.

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#3 of 24 Old 06-15-2003, 11:34 PM
 
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Yes, I would be absolutely STEAMING mad if my mum had done this. I am sure she thought she was doing what was best, but it wasn't like you hadn't left any other alternatives. You have every right to feel disgusted.
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#4 of 24 Old 06-15-2003, 11:36 PM
 
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I would be mad..........So sorry for your babe and diarrhea. Don't know what to say (feeling angry for you).

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#5 of 24 Old 06-15-2003, 11:36 PM
 
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I'd be extremely pissed. Not only did she go against your wishes (your dd is 12 months old, so she's got to know what you are feeding her or not) but it made your dd ill.
JMO but if my mom did something like that, that would be the last time she watched her. Esp since she didn't apologise and from what it sounds, doesn't see that what she did was really wrong.

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#6 of 24 Old 06-16-2003, 12:48 AM
 
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Yes, I would be mad.

But, did you actually confront her about it? (I couldn't tell from your post.) Have you educated her about why formula is not right for your baby? Not every hostile-seeming act is actually hostility.

If my mother had done this, I'd ask why.

JMHO.

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#7 of 24 Old 06-16-2003, 02:51 AM
 
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Yeah, why did she do that? I'd want to ask her.
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#8 of 24 Old 06-16-2003, 03:05 AM
 
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All I can say is that I have been there. My MIL gave my girls formula twice in their first week- once while I slept and once when I ran to the grocery store (then we had a blow up). Our relationship hasn't been the same since. I felt very much like it was a control issue. She knew how hard I was trying to get my milk supply up and how important it was to me to bf, but she felt as long as I was exclusively bfing she had no control. It is hard to forgive someone who says, "I knew you would be mad, but..."

She knows better now, but I don't trust her at all anymore.

I would confront your mama right away!
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#9 of 24 Old 06-16-2003, 04:12 AM
 
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I would absolutely FREAK OUT!!

The fact that my 11 month old has never had a drop of formula is something i am extremely proud of (NOT b/c i think formula is 'evil' but b/c BFing exclusively is so hard in today's society with all we have working against us, i feel i have a right to be proud). To "break my record" like that would be the worst kind of betrayal.

I'd be removing any babysitting priveleges until such time as my mum could prove herself trustworthy. there is no excuse for what your mum did other than, like someone else said, it was a control thing.

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#10 of 24 Old 06-16-2003, 11:06 AM
 
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My mum, who knows me very well would never dare! She knows I'd go totally nuts and flip out at her and probably never leave dd with her again!

MIL is another matter though, we will be staying with them soon and I don't know if she knows me that well yet. I'll be making sure of it though!
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#11 of 24 Old 06-16-2003, 12:06 PM
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My Mum turns my crank so hard that if she'd done this to my baby, I think I'd give her the diapers and say, "Look. This is what formula did to the baby. It gave her the runs and made her uncomfortable and sad, and YOU are responsible."

But that's just me, and I recognize that my mother makes me

I'm sorry your baby felt so terrible.
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#12 of 24 Old 06-16-2003, 12:11 PM
 
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I would pitch a freakin' fit. I would ask her flat out, "So, you love MY BABY so much that you don't CARE that she got diarrhea all over the kitchen floor?" Without a heartfelt apology for the pain she inflicted on my baby, I would not let her see my baby again for quite some time.

My blood pressure is way up just thinking about it! I had huge issues with nipple confusion/latching/supply for the first several months, and I had to supplement with formula, crying all the way, so if my mom had undermined me by feeding ds a bottle after we had gotten things straightened out, well, I can't print what I would say to her!

I am really sorry you have to deal with this. I hope you can find a way to resolve this with your mom.

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#13 of 24 Old 06-16-2003, 12:25 PM
 
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That was so disrespectful of her to do that. I don't blame you at all for being angry. Have you talked to her? I would really like to know why she did it, too...she should have fun trying to explain her way out of that one!
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#14 of 24 Old 06-16-2003, 02:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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but I did say "jesus, mom, after a whole year of her never having formula you decided to give it to her now?" What I really wanted to do was yell, and rant and make her feel like crap, but my dad lost his job on Friday and she is already really depressed about it, so I didn't want to put her over the edge. But she could definitely tell I was mad, and it was her kitchen floor that was the recipient of the diarrhea, and I let her clean it up. It was her fault afterall.

My mom and my grandma are both like this. They always want you to be doing the exact thing you aren't doing. For instance, when I had terrible latch problems with my first and decided to stop pumping after 6 months she gave me a huge guilt trip. How could I do that? The baby needed breastmilk....how could I just stop pumping, etc. Then after Caroline hit 6 months all she would say was "don't you think it's time you wean?" Anytime I would be having a problem, like Caroline biting, or me being sick, it was "don't you think it's time to wean?" And then when she found out I was going to let Caroline wean herself when she was ready it just about stopped her heart. It is so annoying. If you aren't doing things the way they think you should be, they either try guilting you or manipulating you to change.

I definitely won't be asking her to babysit again anytime soon. I think she needs a little time to learn her lesson. But frankly, that won't be too hard to do because we practically have to beg her to babysit any of our kids, even for an hour.

She's a weird one, I tell ya. I wish I didn't love her so much or I would just write her off.

Thanks for commiserating, it really made me feel better.
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#15 of 24 Old 06-16-2003, 02:35 PM
 
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(Just because I will give your mother one last chance) Iwonder if the baby was crying and she (your mother) felt like she couldn't handle it any other way? Maybe your father losing his job was too much for her.

Now that I've given her one last chance, she sounds an awful lot like my MIL. Controlling, but in an underhanded, passive-aggressive way. Luckily for me, I don't live near her and can get along with her just fine for the short periods we are normally together.

Anyway, it seems really strange that your mother actually had formula. My mom babysits my sisters' four kids a lot, and she never had formula at her house.I'd be curious to know why ypur mother has it.

That said, I'm really sorry this happened to you. It would bug the heck out of me if Maggie ever got formula unless there was no possible way for her to have breast milk. And I would not let her babysit anytime soon....

I hope Caroline (lovely name, BTW) is feeling better....
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#16 of 24 Old 06-16-2003, 03:07 PM
 
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Wow I am sorry that happened. What is it qwith people who think they know better than we do. I have to wonder how long she was waiting for the perfect moment to slip the formula in. Perhaps she thought she was doing you a favor by giving her something to help her wean soon., Who knows. It isn't the point. You have a right to be mad and hopefully the kitchen mess made its point.

just for the record. It totally doesn't count when someone else gives your baby formula against your will. My dd had formula in the hospital because the nurses were too lazy to thaw her milk : And I still hold to the reality that *I* didn't give her a single drop of formula.

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#17 of 24 Old 06-16-2003, 07:18 PM
 
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I'd be furious too! Sounds like she was being manipulative, underhanded, and completely extremely inconsiderate. If I were in your position I wouldn't be leaving any of my children with her anytime soon (not until she proves she would abide by my parenting choices). Agggh...I'm still mad thinking about it!!!

PS I'm glad you can vent here at least. And way to go mama for bfing!!
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#18 of 24 Old 06-16-2003, 07:45 PM
 
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First of all, I would be sooooo pissed if this happened to me!!! Especially with what you went through with your first 2, I think you had every right to be proud of your no-formula winning streak! To have it be broken in such a stupid manner is definitely something to get steamed up about. Not to mention the diarrhea...

But just to try to figure out what your mom was thinking at that moment, I remember my mom trying to get accustomed to the whole no-bottle scenario with my first baby. She formula fed both us kids and she said the urge to give my ds a bottle was so strong in her because to her, a bottle meant nurturing, it meant love. That was the only experience she'd known. Luckily, my son would not take a bottle ever, so if she'd ever gotten the nerve to try it, it would not have worked!
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#19 of 24 Old 06-16-2003, 09:08 PM
 
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halah, I think you really expressed what I was going to say.
I think it is in part a control thing, but really, I think that for those who have bottle fed or who have been bottle fed, there is a very strong maternal urge to continue the kind of nurturing they have been taught. I was bottle fed and didn't wean from the bottle till 4 years of age and also fed my nephew from a bottle as a child (I was an aunt at 7) and I had to fight the urge to bottle feed my first son. I had bottles and formula in my house and did offer it to my son in desperation a couple of times in the early days when I was having lots of problems. The sound of the bottle when it is being drank from, the warm smell of the milk is all very comforting and nurturing psycholgically. If I was a grandma, I could totally see wanting to be able to nurture my grandchild that way. She probably thought it would be harmless and would be comforting to your child.
That said, I'd be mad as hell. :LOL
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#20 of 24 Old 06-17-2003, 02:02 AM
 
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Lilyka is right- it doesn't count if someone else slips her formula. Thank goodness she's at least older and has tried other things than breastmilk and her digestion is a bit more mature. gosh, I'd hate to see her reaction as a newborn.

Your mom sounds like she has definite control issues, no matter how well intentioned. It's not her right to introdice formula or tell you when to wean. She must have procured the formula just waiting for the opportunity to slip it to her!

I see Holly's point, but if she was dying to feed her a bottle she could have warned you and you could have pumped some EBM or tell her no formula, juice is fine. grr again! Man that would make mad.

I hope your DD is all better now.
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#21 of 24 Old 06-17-2003, 02:19 AM
 
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omg! i would be so fricken pissed off!!!!
what the heck was she thinking! if i were you i would definately confront her about it. i personally wouldn't trust her with my dd anymore and tell her that because of her poor judgement she's cut off for a while! that's how pissed i would be!
(not giving you advice, just my opinion)
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#22 of 24 Old 06-17-2003, 03:05 AM
 
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I would be pissed. I'd explain to her that I would not be leaving my kids with her again until she could learn to respect my wishes. Explain that they are there for a reason and then tell her about the diarreah.

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
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#23 of 24 Old 06-17-2003, 05:24 PM
 
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I do wonder if it was a last resort?

What if your dd was wanted to suck and the juice wasn't what she wanted and the food wasn't what she wanted so your mom tried formula?

What if the dirreaha (spelling) was from an illness and that's why your daughter was fussy?

I would have asked your mom why she offered formula. If it was "She seemed to want it", yes, I would have been upset to have my instructions ignored. If it was "this was all I could think of to do because....", then give her a chance.

It really depends on the situation, I guess
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#24 of 24 Old 06-17-2003, 07:00 PM
 
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OOOOhhhh. She went way over her bounds with that one! What a terrible thing!

The only contribution I can think of that hasn't been mentioned here is something my Mother told me. I was ruining our Christmas Eve dinner because of bf difficulties with my son. I was like three weeks postpartum, completely hormonal, crying, the whole deal. My Mother says, "Just give him a bottle of formula then for Pete's sake!" Really irritated with me. Which sent me over the edge, to my room, throwing myself onto my bed. A complete failure at motherhood, at only three weeks.

Can you picture it? Have you been there?

Anyway, she comes in and sits down and tells me (I cannot remember the exact words) how I am still her baby, and she just wants me to feel better and not to worry and she doesn't understand the whole bf thing and never will, but whatever is important to me is important to her. So, she is trying her best to help me, the one she knows best, and not trying to be evil to her grandson.

I am not sure if that's where your Mother is coming from, but sometimes it's helpful to know that their motives are not evil!
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