Help me deal with my emotions on this i feel like a bad mommy - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 31 Old 07-23-2003, 01:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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As of today i feel like my whole life has changed and everything because i had a baby...I hate myself for thinking this way and I keep telling my self how bad a mom i am...I was accepted into law school this term and was actually so very proud of myself...I was looking foward to not being just a mom for a few hours a week you know...I wanted to keep on striving towards my goal to give my child bigger and better things than i can right now because or money situation is so tight..My husband has recently found a job(not a high paying one but hey $1 is $1) and is currently attending night classes in college to get his BA in civil engineering..i graduated may last year with my BBA is marketing, accounting and a minor in finance...and headed towards law school in august...By then i had found out i was pregnant and decided to stick it out in school and finish the first semester...Well god had another wish for me..My pregnancy was complicated and at 26 weeks i ended up leaving law school to be hospitalized because of possible premature labor...i was then released from the hospital and sentenced to my bed for the rest of the pregnancy...It was horrible, but was what needed to be done if i didnt want my son to be born premature...

All the time in the back of my head after Arian was born i was thinking of going back to law school in this August term..I applyed and got accepted again and found a great DC for my son...Everything was going exvellent i was supposed to start next week and today was supposed to be the day i registered...Well as luck would have it again today at exactly 10:34 am i got a CALL from the DC ppl..they decided to shutt down operations because of lack of personnel...I searched and searched all morning for a DC and nothing..No acceptable day care takes new babies with out having them register(they are like a school) in May plus my son is allergic to disposables and non of the day cares i spoke to will take CDs...I felt so mad seeing my dream go down the drain and felt like a horrible mommy because i dont want to stay and be a SAHM i dont...I respect everyone that is but i dont want to be...And this is not by choice...I am being forced into it and i feel horrible because i feel like im a bad mommy for not wanting to be a SAHM...
Maybe it is all for the best and maybe something is telling me not to leave my sons side...Right now we are facing alot of medical dificulties but the dr said after everything was over everything would be ok and would be back to normal...And now im mad and upset and i feel lost..i dont know how to be a SAHM i cant stand being with my baby 24/7 i need sometype of break...I have no mom to help me out and my father is 83 years old...My husbands mom is hag that is just plain insane and even so works 40 hrs a week...

Im such a horrible mom...i cant take this anymore...im begining to break..this was my dream..i wanted to finish so that we could have a more steady income and that way we could afford to have more babies and our family could grow without me having to worry about our debts.....

I dont know what to do except cry....i feel so lost and mad at myself...but worse of all i feel resentment towards everything including my baby and i just hate feeling like this so i get even madder at myself for it...

:My 7 year old boy Ari, my fun loving husband and my life!
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#2 of 31 Old 07-23-2003, 02:09 AM
 
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You sound like a good and loving momma who is struggling.

It is totally okay to want support, to want an intellectual life, to want financial security, to want education and career. We want those things for our children - why not for ourselves?? Those desires do NOT make you a horrible mom!! It is also okay to want the right child care for your child. This is an issue for so many parents - it's not just you...

Breathe - try not to panic. You seem overwhelmed (I have those days!), but you will not be overwhelmed every day. Trust your highest and wisest self to help you sort out your needs and desires. You may find another day care situation that will work out or you will get creative and figure out what else will work.

Blessings to you - I'll keep you in my thoughts.
Kathleen
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#3 of 31 Old 07-23-2003, 02:27 AM
 
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well, I am a SAHM and I love it (mostly!), but I can see how it would not be for everyone. It does NOT make you a bad mum not wanting to stay home. A happy and fulfilled mum makes a happy and fulfilled baby IMO. Things should become clearer- you have just found out about the DC, so I am sure your head is swimming right now.
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#4 of 31 Old 07-23-2003, 02:38 AM
 
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You are understandably disappointed because your plans are falling apart. I don't think you're a bad mommy to feel this way. It will pass. Could you postpone law school until the spring semster? I know you have already postponed it because of the baby but this would buy you some more time to get the daycare issue fixed and maybe you could have a back up plan if this happened again. Maybe another daycare and/or friends to step in temporiarly (sp?). I'm just throwing things out there.

BTW, if the daycare is closing due to personnel issues, I'd be kind of glad my dc wasn't going there after all. I mean, I'd want there to be enough people to take care of my dc properly, kwim?

Also, BTW, your ds is sooo cute! You're a lucky mama.

HTH!
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#5 of 31 Old 07-23-2003, 10:08 AM
 
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I dont think you are a bad mom at all. at all! I would be disappointed and devastated too. wanting more is not bad....not wanting to be a sahm is not bad. staying at home isnt for everyone, and staying home does not make you a good mom. it just doesnt. so let all that stuff go.

I would continue to look for a daycare for your baby. dont give up. use your computer to search for licensed daycare providers in you area. I am sure there are DC that dont have to be registered by May. what about home daycare providers, sometimes those mom's are a bit more flexible.

Reading your post, i can tell you i would feel the exact same way. your feelings are valid and true, and dont beat yourself up over it. dont waste time or energy on it.
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#6 of 31 Old 07-23-2003, 10:24 AM
 
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You are a not a bad mom for feelig this way. I am a SAHM by choice, but I think that helps me to understand why its not for everyone.

The fact that you are unwilling to shove your baby into any old daycare just to do what you want to do tells me that you are a good mama who wants what is best for her whole family.

Think of it this way: Most new Dads are able to continue to work at their jobs or pursue their dreams. They feel dissapointed and frustrated when they can't. Society doesn't judge them. So why should you be hard on yourself? It is human nature to have dreams and goals, and just because you are a woman and a mother doesn't mean you should give them up.

I think you can work this out. If not for this sememester, you can certainly work it out before the spring sememester. A couple of months as a SAHM should be manageble, esp. if you have something so fantastic to look foward to.

Have you looked into home based daycares?
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#7 of 31 Old 07-23-2003, 12:41 PM
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You are not a bad mom--you have just sacrificed so much, and you don't see the end in sight.

I guess that one thing I can tell you is that your little guy will change and grow so quickly. This time of constant dependance is not the end of the line. One day you will realize that you have some breathing space, and your little one is a big boy.

I hope that something works out for you so that you can still persue your dreams in the mean time. Some kind of childcare or help. It may take you longer to finish school, ect, but you will have grown so much by mothering.

And you are not a bad mother. I think all moms go through this at some point. Its just that nothing prepares us for how overwhelming and all-encompassing motherhood is, and its a shock when other parts of our lives get so drastically crowded out by it. Don't beat yourself up.

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#8 of 31 Old 07-23-2003, 09:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you all so much for your words....i still feel a bit odd about the whole ordeal but im searching high and low for a good home based day care like you suggested...Tommorow i have an interview at 10am with a woman that sounded increadibly nice...But i still worry cause sometimes appearences can be deceiving...i have until tommorow at 3pm to see if i find a good day care for my son..Frankly i dont think that i will leave him...i dont know it makes me unsure to just meet a person..She does come highly recomended and currently takes care of one of my friends 1yr old boy...She told me and i quote:"i would never leave my son to anyone, but to her, i would leave him with my eyes closed"...so i dont have anything to loose....

Any advice on what to ask ??? i have a few questions like for example i do not beleive in the crying method at all....so thats a must not!! Any other things i should watch out for??

edited to say: i can only begin the school year in august....

TIA

:My 7 year old boy Ari, my fun loving husband and my life!
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#9 of 31 Old 07-23-2003, 10:22 PM
 
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Yes -- ask about cloth diapering, of course. But also about discipline -- not only the discipline of daycare kids, but her own kids too -- because your child will have to wittness that. I know he seems so little now -- but by the end of one year, it will begin to be an issue. And if he gets attached to her, you won't want to have to switch over a major disagreement in discipline philosophy.

I would also ask about what she feeds them -- again, it doesn't matter right now -- but eventually it will.

And how much she holds babies, and is she willing to hold your baby while taking care of the other children. And how many other children will there be?

And of course, you'll want to look over a contract, and make sure you understand about what will happen if she is sick, or if your child is sick, and when she takes a vacation, etc..
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#10 of 31 Old 07-23-2003, 10:56 PM
 
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Linda:

You are not a bad mom, for feeling this way. I think a mom who resents being a SAHM is not doing what's best for their child if they stay at home. KWIM?

Good luck with the interview tomorrow. Hopefully you'll get some great help here!
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#11 of 31 Old 07-23-2003, 11:37 PM
 
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You're definitely not a bad mom. You are a normal mom! I am a SAHM part-time (I work 24 hours a week) and some days, I wish I worked 60 hours a week so I'm not running around saying "do you need to go potty? where are your shoes? No, we're not having yogurt right now. Leave your brother alone. Leave your sister alone...." etc ad nauseum. to you. Much luck, too!
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#12 of 31 Old 07-24-2003, 01:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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i will let you all know what i think...i hope i like it!!! but now the thought of leaving my child with a total stranger is killing me....

:My 7 year old boy Ari, my fun loving husband and my life!
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#13 of 31 Old 07-24-2003, 12:02 PM
 
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I know how hard it is to leave your baby with another person! But this lady seems highly recommended (especially from your friend). Hope the interview goes well! Good luck
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#14 of 31 Old 07-24-2003, 12:23 PM
 
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I feel like on many levels we are dealing with similar issues.

Mainly, the changes that being a mother invokes, the loss of self it demands.

I resent this too. Not always but often.

I just posted a thread about college -- how long did it take you to graduate -- about my dreams that are being postponed, shifted, remade, OVERHAULED! And my confusion about this. My sadness about this.

I don't necessarily like being a SAHM...there are many aspects of outside work that I miss...I just can't imagine how I would handle everything right now if I did work and go to school, too!

I am not one to believe a mom MUST stay home to have a happy child. (It's harder for me to say that about a baby, though.)

My mom worked. She absolutely had to. And I never resented her for it or thought she was a bad mom. I was always taken care of and she was always still "mom."

I understand that your situation with law school is different...you have to go now (or is it never?) CAN it be postponed if necessary? I mean, if for some reason the daycare does not work out this time around. You seem under incredible time pressure to make a decision.

You are not a bad mother!!!! It is just the nature of mothering. The task is huge and demands much. It is a spiritual journey to be sure!

I hope all goes well!
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#15 of 31 Old 07-24-2003, 05:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have decided to postpone school and take care of my baby....today the interview first of all went horribly i have no idea how my friend leaves her child there...its hot and small and the lady looks like she has a dual attitude...She looks capable of even givng the babe a smack if he doesnt behave...I didnt like it one bit..I decided to stay home and take care of Arian because we went to his doctors appointment and the dr told us that Arian was on the borderline of an allergic reaction shock...His levels are supposed to be in 8.0 and they are right now in 155.0 which is horribly high..He said 20 more points and Arian could be dead....So im hanging clear now...Keeping my baby safe in my arms and hoping that this allergy that has been causing all these problems can be found...He has already taken milk away from him(i breastfed partime because i had a breastreduction that completly damaged my milk ducks) so formula is out..he has even reacted negatively to Hypoallergenic formulas....

I will learn to cope as a SAHM in the meanwhile i am going to take up sewing clases and also dig a little more into my real estate investments and plans to actually make me a WAHM...Which i think will be great....

Thank you for all your support in this matter...Even though i am a little at peace im still a bit in shock of the drs news today....

:My 7 year old boy Ari, my fun loving husband and my life!
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#16 of 31 Old 07-24-2003, 05:54 PM
 
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sounds like baby needs you right now.

You would not be able to consintrate at school with your worries over his health.

Breath.......................it will come.

ps I know how hard baby allergies are; my youngest nephew has some really bad ones; he is BF and his mom is working with allgeist to find the problem. So far cut out peanuts is the only thing that has helped but the problems isn't over. So I kinda uinderstand that aspect. It is hard; you will feel a lot better having him yourself rather than leaving him withsomeone else and worrying.

Aimee

Aimee + Scott = Theodore Roosevelt (11/05) and 23 months later Charles Abraham (10/07)....praying for a little sister; the search starts May 2014
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#17 of 31 Old 07-25-2003, 10:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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last night i had to epi pen my baby...im so scared i just dont know wht to do with all these allergies....

:My 7 year old boy Ari, my fun loving husband and my life!
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#18 of 31 Old 07-25-2003, 11:55 AM
 
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liya...

You (and your son) will be in my thoughts and prayers!
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#19 of 31 Old 07-25-2003, 01:51 PM
 
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{{{{liya}}}}
Please take care of yourself and your babe!

Moving this to Life with a Babe forum now
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#20 of 31 Old 07-25-2003, 02:21 PM
 
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It must have been sooo hard to epi-pen your son. My heart goes out to you. You are a great mommy. I can really tell you care about your son. I'm sure he'll be happy that you stayed at home with him.

You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.
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#21 of 31 Old 07-25-2003, 04:45 PM
 
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When I first became a SAHM it was NOT my choice
It took several years for me to be comfortable with it too
You aren't a bad mama at all
(HUGS)) on the epi-pen -I have one that I haven't had to use yet and have told dh he better do it cause I can't stick myself so I cannot even imagine using it on a little one so more and more HUGSS

Maybe you could hire a mothers helper to help you get some time off while still being there in case babe needs you
The sewing classes sound great.
Have you also thought about night classes so you can go a night or two a week and dh can take care of Babe? or online courses?
Good luck in your WAHM adventure
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#22 of 31 Old 07-25-2003, 06:48 PM
 
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Liya,

I too struggled for the first few months of DS's life and after being in the "corporate" world for 12 years and then stopping to be a SAHM, it really threw me for a loop. I still remember the day vividly, that my DH went back to work after being home with me for four weeks after the birth. I remember being furious with him and actually jealous that he could come and go as he pleased and I was "stuck" taking care of our child. Although NO ONE made me feel like I should, I decided I didn't want to miss out on my childrens lives and that the corporate world could wait (and in fact they wouldn't miss me in the least), so I stuck it out. My DS is now three and I have a second one on the way. It took a good 8-10 months of adjustment for me to be "happy" about being home. Two things that worked for me was: At about 6 months of age, my DH and I started what we call "split the weekend" program. I am a FIRM BELIEVER that if you are not a happy woman you will not be able to give back to your family....sound selfish...NO! It is all about taking care of yourself and your needs and then the childrens will come easily and without any tension.
Back to the "split the weekend" thing: I would take Saturday off and DH would take Sunday. Your day off would consist of sleeping in, exercising, catching up/going out w/friends, spending time with siblings, crossword puzzles, manicure/pedicure, hair done...whatever. From 6 months to about 1 year, Dh and I did that from morning til about 1 pm. Now that DS is older, we each have an entire day (DS can keep himself entertained) instead of just a few hours...
Oops...gotta go....I'll write the rest later....
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#23 of 31 Old 07-25-2003, 10:46 PM
 
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I recently quit my job for other reasons, but I work very part-time and now stay with my son ALL DAY. Whoa, this is the hardest job I ever had, and he's only about 8 months old with no health concerns. Well, a little asthmatic thing. But you have to realize you are not a bad Mom, Liya, you're just a normal woman. In an incredible situation. Remember that everything happens just the way it should. Also, my cousin said that her daughter's allergies were greatly improved after eliminating all dairy from her diet while she breastfed. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. It is good for me to be at home right now, and I know it will be good for you too. Try not to expect too much of yourself or your son. Today I stayed home all day and we bummed around, just playing with each other. A few weeks ago that would have sounded like a nightmare to me, but it was great!
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#24 of 31 Old 07-26-2003, 09:45 AM
 
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Ok that really sucked! I wrote part two to you, it was long, and it didn't post and I can't get it back! UGHGHGHGHGHGH!
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#25 of 31 Old 07-26-2003, 10:15 AM
 
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Ok, here goes AGAIN.....
Even if you work out a "schedule" with DH that gives you an hour to yourself on a consistent basis, do it. It will do wonders for you. There is nothing like a happy woman, which leads to being a great mommy and a loving wife.
I was also craving adult conversation, so Ii began to investigate charitable organizations around us. I figure I could do something positive and be around other adults. I ended up going through a 12 week police academy and becoming a C.O.P. I patrolled (taken a break due to my pregnancy) one day a week, one of two shifts (10p - 2a or 2am - 6 am). I also joined the ACPAAA which is a non-profit org. that raises money for police officer's and their families in crisis.
Then, I tackled the family money issue...what could I do that would bring a little income into our house but still allow me to stay home? Well, if you would have asked me three or four years ago if I would ever be a small business owner I would have laughed in your face. I was in real estate for 12 years and that was all I knew. So I started a small consulting business on the side and got business from word of mouth.
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#26 of 31 Old 07-26-2003, 10:26 AM
 
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That has slacked off, mainly due to the fact that all of my attention was focused on another small business I created. It took ALOT of blood, sweat, and tears (literally....I waitressed 4-5 nights a week and went to work after being a mommy all day) but eventually I started to turn a small profit and after a year of waitressing to support it, I could quit. My DH and family were very supportive and I am blessed to have a small support network.
A few months ago I was in negotiations to sell my business and although it wasn't going to make me rich, it felt awesome to have created something that someone was actually willing to pay me for. But....something happened and the deal fell through....I was upset for awhile, but truly believe good things come to those who wait. And now I have am in negotiations for some new things and know if I had sold, I wouldn't be in the position I am right now.
I am sorry I am so long winded, but you can do anything you set your mind too! Nothing worth having happens overnight. I know you have your heart set on becoming a lawyer, but sometime if your too focused on that one prize, you miss a hundred other opportunities. For example, could you investigate possibly interning at a non-profit legal org? That would give you hands on training and get you out of the house.
Network.....talk to friends, family, us, your local chamber of commerce, local law offices, your school....you never know what you'll find unless you ask....do your homeowrk and I swear it pays off.
You are not a bad mom....from what I've read about you, you are a doting loving momma that is feeling normal feelings, but doesn't have an outlet. All of us have been there, and have the T-shirt in one way or another.
You can do it! You've set your goal to be a lawyer..now you just need to be alittle more creative in your path to becoming one.


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#27 of 31 Old 07-28-2003, 09:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you all so much for your support. right now were happy at home and i havent regreted the decision one bit. i know that no one would take care of my baby like me. there is no one like mama. right now hes doing fine...had to epi pen him that one time and thats it thank god..we are still experiencing topical allergies so truthfully think he might be reacting again except this times its a little more suttle...

thanks again for everything

:My 7 year old boy Ari, my fun loving husband and my life!
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#28 of 31 Old 07-29-2003, 02:25 AM
 
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Hope Arian is feeling better and you are too.
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#29 of 31 Old 07-30-2003, 09:03 PM
 
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HI - I just wanted to add that things are going to get more fun with your baby. 5 Mos is just on the brink of babe getting a little mobile and being able to entertain himself. All moms need a break, even when we are trying to be "Super Attatchment Parenter"- parenting was not meant to be done alone all day. Take breaks, let a like minded friend or a sweet teenager be a mommy's helper a few hours a week, or even better, an hour a day!!
Things got so much better for us after 6 mos - a lot of baby-proofing needed, but fun.
All my best to you (everyone I know has had those feelings!!)
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#30 of 31 Old 07-31-2003, 12:12 AM
 
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Hi Linda, I just wanted to say that you and Arian have been in my prayers over the last several days. Peace and healing to you both
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