13 mo home-cared, bf baby prefers mama odd?!?!? - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-29-2003, 05:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Does anyone out there think it's strange that my dd prefers me over anyone else? My mother does. She was just visiting from out-of-state this weekend, and seemed miffed that baby only wanted me - cried when I left the room without her, wouldn't let grandma hold her, etc. I explained that she was over-stimulated by all the activity (we were running around the entire day, every day, people in and out, etc.), wasn't getting enough sleep, is taken care of by me 7 days a week at home, is breastfed, etc. She's still not convinced it's normal, so I'm left wondering if I'm one of those mothers who is overdoing AP or something and dd is too attached to me (mothers have that power to initiate self-doubt better than anyone else on the planet mind you...).
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Old 07-29-2003, 05:59 PM
 
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i think grandmas can sometimes forget what babies are really like.
your child sounds totally normal, as do you!
this will make you feel better: my 21.5-month-old dd loudly rebuffs attempts by my dh to come near her in the mornings, and sometimes in the evenings as well. she prefers me most of the time for the simple reason that i have been with her her ENTIRE life, whereas dh has been away for several months at a time and also leaves every day for work. the most familiar person "wins" the child's preference for comfort. that's just how it is.
your child will eventually seek out grandma for hugs and kisses, but if she doesn't see her consistently, it's going to be a while.
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Old 07-29-2003, 06:20 PM
 
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Totally normal. When my ds1 was 15 months old, my mom took it upon herself to have a "conversation" with me because she was worried about the way we were raising our son. She was concerned that I was still breastfeeding, that I was making him dependant on me and that he would never learn to go to anyone else for comfort. She was concerned that we didn't spank him when he was quietly screeching the day before in the empty restaurant we were eating at in the middle of the afternoon. She was concerned that he would never become independant, and that he relied too much on me.

Well, think about it. My mom and stepdad live out of state for most of the year. He only saw them when they were back in the state about once a month. To him, the person we called grandma was a total stranger. I really think she forgot that. I think that she thought that her grandson would instinctively "know" here and respond to her as such, but that simply doesn't happen. She was so upset that when he got hurt he came running to me, but she didn't seem to understand that he was as likely to run to a complete stranger as her in that situation.

I think she also felt insulted that my parenting was different. I definitely had my own parenting path and it was MUCH different than hers had been. She had always needed her mother for support and advice (she had me when she was 21 and had little experience with babies -- I was 28 and had TONS of experience with babies and children including nannying for a family with three children ages newborn, 3 and 5.) She seemed to see this all as a direct attack on her and her parenting choices.

I finally stopped trying to explain myself (an exercise in futility: ) and let her know this was the way it was going to be, and she was welcome to be a part of his life as long as she could accept it. Parenting ideals change and I told her that I was doing what I thought best, just as she had done with my brother and I many years ago.

My ds1 who is now 5 is the most wonderful kid in the world. He is a joy. He's loving, caring, independent, I could go on and on, but the point is that my parenting has slowly proven itself over the years. I never heard a darned thing when I had my second ds. She must have learned something.
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Old 07-29-2003, 06:53 PM
 
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WOW Jish...your story sounds familiar...this is OT and I am stealing the thread, but how did you keep yourself from getting negative? I am younger than you and have only had one kiddo so far, but I already feel like when I talk to my mom, I make a point to be direct and in-her-face that this is how we are doing things...like just to be different. How do I not do that? I still want to honor her..she is my mother after all...

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and a HUGE surprise: I'm almost 10 weeks pregnant!
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Old 07-29-2003, 07:19 PM
 
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If she didn't prefer you I would that that was abnormal : Of course it is normal that she would prefer you over anyone else and who can blame her - you're the milk maker

Keri

 Keri wife and Mama to  Cory 17,  Brendan 15,  Kerianne 8,  Avery 7,  Lilia 3
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Old 07-30-2003, 12:55 AM
 
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Lets look at the facts here.

Her whole routien in life was shot for the day

Some strange lady that she may see occaisionaly but not often was there and probably a little to eager to get her attention

over tired, overstimulated, under rested

Heck, i would want my mom after a day like that. BF, etc. . aside.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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Old 07-30-2003, 03:48 AM
 
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She's just jealous. She knows it's normal behavior, but if you get to wondering about it maybe you will encourage your dd toward her grandma who will then get the satisfaction of most favored status. There is no greater compliment in the world than to be loved by a baby. That's what she's after.

SMC to Sophia, age 15, and Eleanor, age 9, and mother hen to too many nursing students to count!

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Old 07-30-2003, 07:15 PM
 
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Melinda, I couldn't figure out how you knew you were younger than me until I went back and re-read my thread and realized that I put my age at the time my ds1 was born. I thought you were some sort of mind reader.

It is hard not to jump down their throats. My dh and I did a lot of griping after the offenders would leave. It helped to blow off steam. I also reminded my mother that the more people griped at me the more adament I would become. For example, if she kept griping that it was time to wean my 15 month old, I would nurse him until kindergarten. She knows me well enough to know that is true.:LOL

The hard thing for me is that my stepsister, who lives in the same town as I, had a dd five days before my ds 1 was born. They are VERY mainstream, and I was constantly compared to her and how they were raising their dd. It got to the point where I said point blank, I will nurse until he weans, we will never spank our children, and we will respond to their needs as we deem appropriate. Don't take it personally, it is just what works for us. I then got very good at suddenly getting distracted when she(they) would start in on us. I also used the old standby (my pediatrician says...) How do they argue with that?

They now admit that my mainstream neice is less than pleasant to be around for more than 15 minutes, and that whatever we are doing works just fine. My mom also admits that she wishes things had been like they are now when my brother and I were babies. She broke down one night after my ds2 was born and told me how lucky I am, and how she wishes she could have held us as much as she had wanted, rather than being told that the only time we were to be held was during a feeding, then we were to go right back into the crib for fear we would be spoiled.

We have a much better relationship since that conversation.
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Old 08-01-2003, 05:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks ladies! I knew I could come here for some reassurance.

I wish that it weren't so hard to wait for that "day" when grandma sees how my parenting choices pay off, and then breaks down to say she wished she knew to raise me that way. Dear sister, Sofiamomma, is still waiting, and her dd is six!

I'll just have to keep breathing deeply til that day.....or til the day she dies, whichever comes first....:
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Old 08-02-2003, 03:13 AM
 
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You know, I did hear some deep emotion in her voice when expressing regret she did not know to take dairy out of her diet when you were a baby. So that's a start. I recently got acknowledgement that our parenting philosophies (hers and mine) are very different so she sometimes does "not know what to do with her (Sophia)"

She is still convinced that my dd is bossy, self-centered, thinks she "runs the show", doesn't "mind", etc. because I gave her too many choices and let her think she is my equal and so on, though!

*I* think you are an awesome mama and also a great step-mama, and are doing a wonderful job with the girls!!

SMC to Sophia, age 15, and Eleanor, age 9, and mother hen to too many nursing students to count!

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Old 08-02-2003, 10:27 PM
 
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Heck, i would want my mom after a day like that. BF, etc. . aside.
ITA, after a long day of doing a ton of stuff, I still come home and give my mom a call.
Lily is 10 1/2 months old and will only sit with DH, my mom and myself (and her sisters). MIL used to be so upset that Lily would flip out when she held her but babies are just like that and stranger anxiety is so normal. MIL knows now it's nothing personal. Babies know who has the good hugs, the food and who takes good care of them so it makes sense that they'd want to be with that person and not some one who they don't know. Since who knows if that person will treat them like their parents do.
JMO but that's so normal for her age. I find that adults often forget what it was like when their children were babies and have a hard time putting themselves in a child's place. I find a great barometer is to think "how would I feel if I was in their shoes?" when trying to understand what's going on with the girls. It helps me to take a step back and relax.

Stephanie, mom to 3 big girls ('94, '99 & '02) and to my little guy (12/30/09) intact & CD'ed!
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