Worried about my friend's baby - Mothering Forums
Life With a Baby > Worried about my friend's baby
mamabeth's Avatar mamabeth 04:36 PM 08-03-2003
One of my best friends from high school just had a baby, and although she is bf, she decided to do Babywise . I talked to her a little bit about it, and she is very stubborn and wouldn't really listen at all. I just got email from her that said that the baby is "fussy" at night (he is three weeks old!) and that they just put him in a crib, turned down the monitor and slept really great.

My heart is breaking for that babe...I'm also worried bc she didn't say how long he was by himself and I hope he is getting fed enough!

I just found this board a month or so ago and I know y'all will understand...I just want to cry thinking about this baby crying all night!

acystay's Avatar acystay 04:55 PM 08-03-2003
I totally understand your feelings! Is there a way that you can tactfully give her some sound advice. The Ezzo Info site has ton of info.

I believe as well if you go to the AAP site you find info on baby trainers or schedule feedings and missing night feedings in a infant so young.

Hope things are better for that baby soon!
manitoba_mommy's Avatar manitoba_mommy 06:36 PM 08-03-2003
Originally posted by mamabeth
all. I just got email from her that said that the baby is "fussy"at night (he is three weeks old!) and that they just put him in a crib, turned down the monitor and slept really great. --Beth
Um, maybe I am just naive, but this sounds beyond the schedual vs freeflow debate. Leaving a baby, who is 3 weeks old, crying for a whole night is nothing less then neglect. Is there anyone you can talk to about this? Her mom or spouse maybe? This sounds like there is something more then misinformation going on here and it sounds like the baby desperately needs someone to intervene.

I might be over reacting but I honestly think this family needs help.

Elphaba's Avatar Elphaba 06:48 PM 08-03-2003
how about reframing your concern so you don't seem like you are criticizing her?
perhaps telling her you think it's wonderful that she recognizes her own need for sleep and that it is important to take care of herself as well as the baby. sympathize with how hard it is in the early weeks with the leaking and the sweating and the mushy belly and the hair falling out and just plain learning to be a mom, and how you barely remember those first 2 months, etc.
then mention (and have print outs) that babies need to nurse very frequently during the first few months, and that stopping the night nursings this early will very likely lead to a total loss of her milk production. milk production is at it's highest overnight, and the baby needs a substantial portion of it's calories at night.
get her a copy of the "no cry sleep solution" and tell her it is much friendlier to nursing mothers and babies. and let her know that babywise is not breast-feeding friendly. you can follow babywise, or you can nurse, but you ain't gonna be able to do both.
you may even suggest that she pump so her husband can feed the baby once or twice a night, or if she refuses to pump, jesus, let the baby have formula overnight, but it HAS to eat at night. not even ferber thinks night feedings are pointless until 4 months.
mamabeth's Avatar mamabeth 07:08 PM 08-03-2003
Thanks mamas.
I was literally crying over this after perusing the very scary Ezzo site, and decided to email her back letting her know as gently as I could that it could be harmful for the baby.

My friend already emailed back and said that they were definitely feeding him every 3 hours, even waking him up to do so, and that they were just trying to get him to sleep 4-5 hours at a stretch at night, which is when they turned the monitor off for a while.

Not great, but much better than what I was envisioning! She also said that he is getting visibly bigger and filling all his requisite diapers, so at least she's monitoring that.

She is very determined to bf so maybe that will win out over the Ezzo s***. I hope so. Thanks again for your concern, mamas.
Beth and baby Miriam
Elphaba's Avatar Elphaba 07:14 PM 08-03-2003
beth, another mama here (an ex-ezzo user) has said that if parents REALLY need a schedule, then The Baby Whisperer is a MUCH kinder way of going about it.
so perhaps you could send her a copy of that along with the No-Cry book? both are in paperback, probably about $15 each new.
that is good news about them feeding the baby every 3 hours!
i have great sympathy for you since i too, have a friend who parents in a quite different way from me -- leaving baby at a young age, CIO, supplementary bottles, etc. she ended up weaning at 8 months, because she hadn't let her son nurse as often as he needed to, and she lost her supply.
anyways, i'm sorry.
wombat's Avatar wombat 10:31 AM 08-04-2003
that they were just trying to get him to sleep 4-5 hours at a stretch at night,
Gee, at 3 weeks old?? I mean if the baby CHOOSES to sleep that long and his weight gain is good then fair enough. But if that baby is crying, then it's obviously too long just now. Maybe you can reassure her that he will be able to sleep that long at some stage, maybe just not right now. How's the baby's weight gain?

How about mentioning to her that women have different milk 'storage capacity' in their breasts (nothing to do with size BTW) but babies of moms will smaller storage capacity will need to feed more frequently. This is one area where following those guide books can be a real problem.
mamabeth's Avatar mamabeth 11:53 AM 08-04-2003
I am just going to keep checking on her and mentioning things here and there. As I said, she is very stubborn and conservative, and has a tendency to close her ears to things that I say about parenting, politics, religion, you get the picture. I know it has to do with her child's health this time so I am just going to be in contact with her a lot, because she's already called for bf help and I will just reinforce (with the help of resources here...thanks again mamas!!!) that she needs to bf basically on demand and watch her baby!

BTW she did say his weight gain is good, so that took a load off my mind.
MFuglei's Avatar MFuglei 12:57 PM 08-04-2003
Eeeek! At 3 weeks, that would scare me so much! At 3 weeks old, my bf DD was sleeping 1-2 hours at a time and then waking to eat! I can't imagine forcing her into another room and turning down the monitor so she'd sleep for 5 hours.

Hopefully this won't affect your friend's supply. I think it would have had a significant impact on mine. . . as my DD ate every 2 hours for 40 minutes for the first 3 months. . .
WithHannahsHeart's Avatar WithHannahsHeart 02:03 PM 08-04-2003
I actually had a newborn that slept that long pretty frequently (for a couple of months, and then sleeping hell broke loose : ). I was terrified that she wasn't eating enough, and was even sternly admonished by my LLL leader that my supply down the road would surely suffer for "letting her sleep". Well, she was big to start, and gained very rapidly, and I never had supply issues. After your friend clarified her statement, it actually doesn't sound that bad to me, especially if she is dedicated enough to actually wake the baby up. But I cannot for the life of me imagine having a newborn in another room by itself ; how thoroughly unpleasant and awful and silly (for me, my own opinion, not a judgement on anyone else's practices ).
Cassandra M.'s Avatar Cassandra M. 04:44 PM 08-04-2003
wow how sad for that baby.
i had to completely detach from a playgroup i was in when my first was a wee one....they all let thier babies CIO at 4 mths.
i just couldnt be emotionally involved in the mess.
all very educated, nursing women with first children.
i just dont get how thier hearts could allow them to do it.
my daughter is now 33 months and i still dont ignore her cries. where did these women ever get the impression that mothering ends at night?
i agree with the No Cry Sleep Solution book. i bought it and followed it for my 26 mth old when i was pregnant with my new one, and it helped us out tremendously.