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#1 of 30 Old 12-05-2007, 04:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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If I get this one more time I swear Im going to explode. DD is 4 months old how could she be spoiled? What the heck do I say to that? yeah we love her a lot?

She is spoiled because:
we dont let her cry
we pick her up
we wear her
we sleep with her
bfing on demand is also spoiling her

This weekend I heard the "crying is how they develop their lungs" argument from someone who did not agree with me picking her up to comfort her when she screamed during a diaper change.

I am just getting so fed up with the unsolicited advice

ok time to vent about my mom cause she's coming over today, she is the worst! ANYTHING i do different than how she would do she gets very defensive about. SHe is like in constant competition with me about who is a better mom or something. EVERY time the baby cries around her she tells me why she is crying usually its because she is starving or cold haha then I say nos he's tired, bored, overstimulated, etc. then we have an argument about it
I just ignore her and say well she's my child and I know her better than you and go in the other room to care for her. She stands over me while I do everything with her arms folded waiting to comment on something. It's so ridiculous.

ok feel a little better now thanks
"Im her mom and my parenting choices are not up for discussion" mantra breath breath breath
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#2 of 30 Old 12-05-2007, 04:58 PM
 
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I'd pick her up, smell her bottom, and say, "Nope, I just changed her, she's fine." and then stare at them blankly when they try to explain to you what they really meant. Maybe throw in a shocked look and say, "Boy, I hope nobody ignores your cries if you're old and in a nursing home." or something like that. And refuse to engage in any discussion. "I appreciate your concern, but it's not open for discussion."

Heather, WAHM to DS (01/04)DD (06/06). Wed to DH(09/97)
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#3 of 30 Old 12-05-2007, 05:08 PM
 
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Would anybody say look at that mama monkey spoiling her baby monkey...wearing him, sleeping with him and feeding him whenever he wants? Sometimes I think that animals are better parents than people. What is wrong with meeting our baby's needs?

DH, and Me plus baby girl (10/07)
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#4 of 30 Old 12-05-2007, 05:09 PM
 
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It's so ridiculous that people think you can spoil that small of a child. It's called LOVING them people. I don't see why everybody has to be so competitive with parenting. I think we all just need to do what works and is best for our family. I had people in my family like this when DD was a little bit younger but then they realized that I wasn't going to stop wearing her or cloth diapering her or responding to her cries and now the comments are few and far between.... or maybe they just talk about me behind my back hahahaha.
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#5 of 30 Old 12-05-2007, 05:11 PM
 
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I like "I know, isn't she LUCKY??" with a big hug for the baby. When you pretend you think it's a compliment people find themselves in the awkward position of having to explain their own nastiness. This works for all kinds of nasty, ignorant comments. For me anyway.

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#6 of 30 Old 12-05-2007, 05:34 PM
 
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Originally Posted by jillian+1 View Post
I like "I know, isn't she LUCKY??" with a big hug for the baby. When you pretend you think it's a compliment people find themselves in the awkward position of having to explain their own nastiness. This works for all kinds of nasty, ignorant comments. For me anyway.
:

I also like "And I wouldn't have it any other way!" With a big smile on my face. People get the message soon.

As far as your mom always having an alternate theory as to why the baby cries/makes a noise, well, my mom does too (you'd think my baby's tummy is constantly in knots!). I just kinda smile and go on with life--if you do not engage, she cannot engage. It takes 2 to tango!

HUGS

I am astoundingly lucky! Mother to my beloved child since 01/06/07. Fighting cancer since 09/06/07.
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#7 of 30 Old 12-05-2007, 05:47 PM
 
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Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
This weekend I heard the "crying is how they develop their lungs" argument from someone who did not agree with me picking her up to comfort her when she screamed during a diaper change.
Quick, poke her and make her bleed because we all know that bleeding is good for the veins.

Dumb, I know but I get so tired of this. Who actually likes to sit and listen to a baby scream? Now, I may get through a few fussy diaper changes with out picking up the baby before I am done but this is up to the individual. How can crying be so good for a baby? Look at what it does to them. (If you are a perfect mother you may not know, for those of you that are only practically perfect like Mary Poppins you will have to picture your baby after a rather disagreeable carride.)

Trust your instincts and let the comments roll when you can. I agree it takes two to tango.

You don’t owe them an explanation, just a response.
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#8 of 30 Old 12-05-2007, 05:50 PM
 
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"Yep! Why have kids if you're not gonna spoil them?" while giving the baby a big 'ole hug and kiss.

I like "I know! Isn't she LUCKY?!" too.. hahaa
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#9 of 30 Old 12-05-2007, 06:18 PM
 
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Originally Posted by jillian+1 View Post
I like "I know, isn't she LUCKY??" with a big hug for the baby. When you pretend you think it's a compliment people find themselves in the awkward position of having to explain their own nastiness. This works for all kinds of nasty, ignorant comments. For me anyway.
I tried that. And I heard "no spoiling him will not be good for him in the long run, blah blah blah"
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#10 of 30 Old 12-05-2007, 06:42 PM
 
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Or, if it really bothers you, you could try the other approach: Educate them on what the term "spoiled" really means (at least, one definition): "to become bad, or unfit for use, as food or other perishable substances; become tainted or putrid."

Essentially, it means "to ruin." I would look someone in the eye and demand to know why they think my child is ruined, damaged goods. Yes, it's taking the word very seriously, but then again, anyone who thinks you can "spoil" a baby that young needs a bit of a check.

No, it's not what people ususally mean when they say a child is "spoiled," but words are powerful and a little education never hurt anyone.
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#11 of 30 Old 12-05-2007, 06:44 PM
 
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It's not spoiling them!!!! When ds was about 2 months old a friend ( a wonderful well-meaning friend that is) of mine actually said to me "you're not going to feed him again are you??" and "do u pick him up every time he cries?". I was a new mom and I started thinking maybe I was doing something wrong...but I know now that I was just being a good mommy. They are just too little to spoil IMO. Just little tiny sweethearts who deserve all the love we can give them. Man, being a mom has really, really made me a softie!

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#12 of 30 Old 12-05-2007, 06:47 PM
 
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Originally Posted by attachedmamaof3 View Post
"Yep! Why have kids if you're not gonna spoil them?" while giving the baby a big 'ole hug and kiss.

I like "I know! Isn't she LUCKY?!" too.. hahaa
:

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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#13 of 30 Old 12-05-2007, 06:50 PM
 
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Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
This weekend I heard the "crying is how they develop their lungs" argument from someone who did not agree with me picking her up to comfort her when she screamed during a diaper change.
Maybe tell them," uh no, actually crying is how babies communicate and if I ignore her crying, it's like ignoring her when she's saying something. I didn't ignore you when you were giving me this stupid advice and I'm not going to ignore the baby"

*grin* or something like that.
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#14 of 30 Old 12-05-2007, 08:29 PM
 
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Maybe tell them," uh no, actually crying is how babies communicate and if I ignore her crying, it's like ignoring her when she's saying something. I didn't ignore you when you were giving me this stupid advice and I'm not going to ignore the baby"

*grin* or something like that.
I love it!

Mama to my sweet Sophia, born at home on 4/6/11.
 
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#15 of 30 Old 12-05-2007, 10:35 PM
 
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I haven't heard that much (yet) because we're only around supportive people so far. BUT, I'm sure we will... I hate it when people say crying is good for their lungs. Geez, it's their ONLY method of communication - they'd cry too if they couldn't say what they needed and were utterly helpless.
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#16 of 30 Old 12-06-2007, 12:28 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Shami View Post
Would anybody say look at that mama monkey spoiling her baby monkey...wearing him, sleeping with him and feeding him whenever he wants? Sometimes I think that animals are better parents than people. What is wrong with meeting our baby's needs?
My DH made the comment last night that he thinks we are almost too evolved...to the point that we always rely on our "reason" rather than just trusting our senses/instinct. I find when I follow my "insincts" rather than think about all the parenting books and "experts" both DD and I are a lot happier. Its so confusing sometimes between books and tv and family always giving advice. Our culture doesn't encourage instinct and feeling anymore...
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#17 of 30 Old 12-06-2007, 01:32 AM
 
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I have been pondering this question for a while now and it's probably a stupid question but I am second guessing myself a lot lately:

when CAN a baby be "spoiled" if ever?

Leah - Wife to Joshua (April 22nd, 2006) , Mama to Scarlett (April 17th, 2007) and Vera (October 23rd, 2010)
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#18 of 30 Old 12-06-2007, 02:49 AM
 
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Of course at some age a child can be "spoiled" (of course I don't mean "ruined" but more like "bratty"). I think a child becomes spoiled not when you meet her needs too freely but when you respond to her needs inappropriately.

Like, when she wants attention and love and you give her things.

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#19 of 30 Old 12-06-2007, 02:57 AM
 
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Yes, good perspective

I will never ignore my daughters needs, I comfort her when she's sad, nurse her when she's hungry/thirsty, sleep with her (heaven!) and basically do what feels natural. Sometimes it's hard to ignore all the outside influences that try to tell you differently though.

Leah - Wife to Joshua (April 22nd, 2006) , Mama to Scarlett (April 17th, 2007) and Vera (October 23rd, 2010)
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#20 of 30 Old 12-06-2007, 08:53 AM
 
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Of course at some age a child can be "spoiled" (of course I don't mean "ruined" but more like "bratty"). I think a child becomes spoiled not when you meet her needs too freely but when you respond to her needs inappropriately.

Like, when she wants attention and love and you give her things.
ITA. And I think actually when people throw around the word "spoiled", they most often mean entitled and disrespectful. At least that's what I think of when I envision the classic "spoiled" child. I was fortunate enough to have family and friends who were able to be generous with giving to me as a kid, but I was never spoiled because my parents taught me to be thankful for what I was given, apreciative of people's generosity, and to never expect something from someone...and to treat people respectfully. And they did it gently. My parents rocked!

Heather, WAHM to DS (01/04)DD (06/06). Wed to DH(09/97)
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#21 of 30 Old 12-06-2007, 09:00 AM
 
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Of course at some age a child can be "spoiled" (of course I don't mean "ruined" but more like "bratty"). I think a child becomes spoiled not when you meet her needs too freely but when you respond to her needs inappropriately.

Like, when she wants attention and love and you give her things.
Very well put!

And remember, the person calling a child "spoiled" was once a child themselves who very likely did not get their needs met if they hold this view...remembering that helps me to be somewhat more compassionate to them and less angry.

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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#22 of 30 Old 12-06-2007, 06:50 PM
 
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I don't normally get to many comments like that now people know to leave off, My mother answered for me one day with" you can't spoil anyone with love" and "you can't spoil a child by holding it" And i started using them with i large i couldn't care what you think smile.
my friend who has a nine year old said to be one day when we were shopping ds was a week old and started to cry and i took him ot of the pram(before i got struck with the magic of bwing) and held him start down and started to nurse. that no one would think i was a bad mother of i just let him cry in his pram till we got to a cafe and that all babies cried.:
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#23 of 30 Old 12-06-2007, 08:03 PM
 
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This weekend I heard the "crying is how they develop their lungs" argument from someone who did not agree with me picking her up to comfort her when she screamed during a diaper change.
"Develop her lungs? I was kinda hoping to destroy them. Tomorrow, I'll be introducing cigarettes along with her solid foods."

. . . Something equally sarcastic should work. In these situations, a sense of humor is everything! Or steal one of the great comebacks from PP's.

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#24 of 30 Old 12-06-2007, 08:19 PM
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ITA. And I think actually when people throw around the word "spoiled", they most often mean entitled and disrespectful. At least that's what I think of when I envision the classic "spoiled" child.
I agree. I've never liked the word "spoiled" but I do think that at a certain age it's possible to "spoil" a child in the way most people understand that term. But I think, as pp's said, it doens't mean giving too much love or ignoring needs. Since I only have an infant at this point, it's not something I've had to deal with yet, but I think at an age when DD is old enough to have things explained to her, listen to reason, etc, there's a point where it makes sense to set certain limits, to respond to inappropriate calls for attention calmly and lovingly, but firmly, and to work with DH to develop a consistent response.
Basically, I don't think giving lots of love means giving into every desire, and that all kids at some point need and want limits. But I don't think there's anything at this age I can do that would "spoil" her.
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#25 of 30 Old 12-06-2007, 10:54 PM
 
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I was fortunate enough to have family and friends who were able to be generous with giving to me as a kid, but I was never spoiled because my parents taught me to be thankful for what I was given, apreciative of people's generosity, and to never expect something from someone...and to treat people respectfully.
The same was true with me. So, I have to agree with your point.

To the OP-

With my first baby I felt the need to explain myself a lot- and to try to educate others. Now, with my second, I am just sick and tired of people butting in. I have no problem just saying a simple statement and leaving it like that. "She's going to be spoiled" me- "No she's not." That's it. No smile. No conversation. It's annoying how people think it's ok to give unsolicited advice on parenting.

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#26 of 30 Old 12-07-2007, 12:54 AM
 
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When people say it to me, I reply "jealous much?"

But my GMIL says "she's spoilt fer her mama, don't you just love that", which basically means she adores me. Its a compliment from her and its so cute when she says that.
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#27 of 30 Old 12-07-2007, 01:20 AM
 
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I've had alot of people tell me that I shouldn't be sleeping with my baby, wearing the baby etc.
I ignore them and try not to spend time with people that are not on the same page with me.
I just spent a couple hours with a new friend that has a 5 week old baby. She did not hold him once. Just kept sticking a bottle of formula in his mouth when he made a noise.: I realized that I can't spend time with someone who does not spoil their baby.
I am just thankful that dh and I are on the same page when it comes to parenting and have a healthy happy baby that is completely and absolutely spoiled!

Elizabeth, mom to two beautiful boys and wife to my handsome hubby!
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#28 of 30 Old 12-07-2007, 01:25 AM
 
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Since it's your mother that you're really irritated with, and it sounds like you see her pretty often, it might be a good time to take a step back and look at drawing some boundaries in your relationship with her.

I would highly recommend "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. It has some great advice on how to deal with recurring issues like this in our relationships.

Another thing I try to imagine is how I would feel if, when my dd has children, she decides that the right thing for her family is to let them CIO, FF, etc. This may be your mom's perspective?

Mommy to kids

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#29 of 30 Old 12-07-2007, 09:18 AM
 
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Originally Posted by jillian+1 View Post
I like "I know, isn't she LUCKY??" with a big hug for the baby. When you pretend you think it's a compliment people find themselves in the awkward position of having to explain their own nastiness. This works for all kinds of nasty, ignorant comments. For me anyway.
I agree. I love doing this with people.

Heidi
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#30 of 30 Old 12-07-2007, 11:37 AM
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I usually say ABSOLUTELY! with a huge grin.
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